Pro Wrestling NOAH: Wrestle Magic May 4th 2024 Part 1

I know that I said I was going to review only contemporary wrestling here, but sometimes the nerve to review nostalgic stuff strikes me, and that’s why I’m going to be reviewing this dusty old NOAH show from the far-off days of May of 2024. Buckle your seatbelts and get prepared to go back in time as we’re about to get old school.

And we start with a pretty rocking video of Pro Wrestling NOAH stars in action and there’s magma and a kicking 90s rock tune. And then we jump to Ryogoku Kokugikan where we have 3500 hundred people and now we have NOSAWA Rongai coming out looking like the creepy dude he is to a pretty jiving Mexican pop song as English commentary introduces themselves. And y’know I crack jokes about NOAH’s booking (deservedly) but their production is really top-notch, probably the best in wrestling and deserves real respect for it. NOSAWA hypes up the crowd and asks if the crowd wants to see him wrestle (please no) but says that even the magic of the fans and the night can’t cure his wounds. Ha, cute bit.

Ninja Mack (c) vs. Shuji Ishikawa – GHC Hardcore Openweight Championship

Background: So Ninja Mack is an American junior who does ALL the flips, he’s the hardcore champ which is a recent title for them (though it has older history but that’s kinda shaky from what I understand). He’s defended the title in every low-rent indie in the US, he’s a small but solidly built guy in a ninja outfit and a mask. And Shuji has recently come back to NOAH after leaving All Japan which has been his stalwart promotion for a while. Shuji is a big guy with a powerful if aging build, gray is in his hair and his body is scarred and he walks with uh…a deliberate pace. He’s like if that picture of a battered, old great white shark was a human being and he exudes both power and pain. He’s an indie legend with some real runs in major companies and a ton of tag-team success with Suwama as the Violent Giants. He’s in baggy red pants.

The Match: Ninja uses speed to duck Shuji and fires away some chops but one headlock sets up a shoulderblock to send Mack bouncing and we get a chair in the corner. Mack uses more speed to set up more strikes and Shuji tosses him outside but Mack reverses and gets the Ninja Special to take out Shuji on the outside, and we get Ninja with plunder to keep up the aggression! Ninja reverses a whip to toss Shuji into the guardrails, and then ties Shuji’s hands to the rail to unleash a flurry of chairshots but eventually the giant gets free, takes the chair, and with one strike rips the chair apart over Mack’s back in an amazing visual. Shuji slams Mack onto the chair as commentary runs down Ishikawa’s hardcore bonafides and his credentials as the big guy sets up a table, a JAPANESE table. Oh no. Mack slips out of the slam onto the table but his second Ninja Special is countered into the Giant Driver and the table explodes. Oh dear lord. Shuji continues beats on the American with chunks of table and pulls out a ladder. Mack gets thrown into it and takes a great bump and screams in agony. Shuji loads up a powerbomb to finish and Mack slips out again to land some kicks to set up a great Shuji stumble sell, but when Mack goes for the Ninja Bomb off the top rope Shuji rolls away…and Mack avoids kersplatting and slips into a sleeper! That was slick. Shuji slams back into the ladder though, but Mack knocks Ishikawa down again, drops the ladder on the giant, and gets the Ninja Bomb onto the ladder! But Ninja is winded and Shuji gets his own sleeper attempt! Mack slips out and climbs a ladder and yeah this match is kind of a collection of spots. Anyway, Mack jumps off the ladder, Shuji catches him and snake eyes him into the ladder, but the powerbomb is countered again with a rana but Shuji knees him, loads up the mangled ladder in the ropes and powerbombs Mack into the ladder for 2. Shuji gets the Splash Mountain though and that’s a wrap.

**½

Look it was a big dumb collection of spots but they had some fun spots, and the story of Shuji just being way bigger and stronger than the feisty Mack was well-sold until it kinda fell apart in the last half. But still, Ninja took disgusting bumps and Shuji posing with a ladder displaying warning labels about all the stuff you’re not supposed to do with a ladder is pretty funny. Anyway I love Shuji and I…appreciate Mack and while I like the freak factor of this match I don’t think their chemistry was superlative.

Daiki Inaba & Ryohei Oiwa vs. Starboy Charlie & Titus Alexander

Background: So we’re going back in time, and big beefy New Japan young lion Oiwa is still a scrappy babyface at this point, and his partner Daiki is there to just take up space. Oiwa has his silver and white pants, Daiki blue and orange. Charlie and Titus are both Americans, with Titus in sky blue, black, and yellow trunks and Charlie in his awful airbrushed denim overalls. The gaijin are nice and flippy, the Japanese are nice and beefy.

The Match: Charlie and Ryohei start while commentary puts Titus over like crazy. They do power vs. speed spots with Charlie getting the advantage and then we get Inaba and Titus. Titus outspeeds him and is also notably taller than the guy. A few clutch dropkicks from the American rookie and commentary cannot stop talking him up, honestly it’s kind of distracting. And I like TItus fine but if a guy is just doing slow forearms maybe dial it back. Oiwa in and he might have heard commentary as he rips apart Titus with shoulderblocks and does a nice standing backflip just to show out. Titus gets a flash kick to set up his package backbreaker and Alexander sells the backbreaker he delivered to put over Oiwa’s size and Ryohei gets a high-crotch backdrop suplex and in comes Inaba as Titus flops around for Daiki’s offense. Titus gets another one of his dropkicks though to put Daiki down and hurls in Charlie for a dropkick to set up his flying something but Oiwa breaks it up while STILL selling the back, my word, what a pro. Titus with a handspring cutter though on the NJPW rookie and follows up with a nice plancha. Reset to Charlie and Daiki and we get some generic puro offense vs. generic indie offense and Charlie gets the 450 for 3.

**

Eh, just sort of a match but Oiwa looked decent and Titus got put over huge. But Daiki and Charlie are just…there. Also they’re paying for Starboy Charlie to get Jimi Hendrix or Japan just doesn’t pay for music rights.

Takashi Sugiura vs. Masa Kitamiya

Background: Sugiura is the Killing Machine, the aging but still capable ex-Ace of NOAH. An absolutely jacked up mid-50s guy who has like 10 wrestling moves he knows but lives to brutally beat the life out of his opponents in wars. Masa is a beefier and younger guy who has held a ton of tag-team gold but no singles success. Masa has a blonde fauxhawk and black capri tights on and Sugi has his black and yellow trunks.

The Match: Both guys run at each other and run at each other and run at each other and the sound of flesh smashing flesh is just sick. Sugi misses a boot though and Masa gets a lariat and brings Takashi to the apron and gets a kneecrusher there. Back in and Masa gets a chopblock and then the Prison Lock, from his namesake, Masa Saito. Sugiura makes the ropes though and Masa is irked and goes for the Saito Suplex but Sugi gets the front chancery…and Masa continues to outpower him. Sugi gets the sidestep on a blind charge and hits some limping moves into the corner cause he’s awesome. Delayed superplex by the Killing Machine next and it gets two as Sugi slaps the knee. Sugi’s running knee is blocked into another kneecrusher and he goes for the spear which gets countered by Sugiura but Masa is just no-selling everything until Takashi gets a lariat and the Olympic Slam…that Masa pops up and gets a Saito Suplex to counter. Meh. Sugi has his eyes closed and looks like he’s sleeping as he eventually rolls to the ropes and uses them to get to his feet. Man I love his selling. They slug it out as both guys do the wobble-legs. Both guys are just wailing on each other and I know that folks hate the trading strikes with no defense stuff but as a battle of machismo between two manly guys I have no problems with it. Masa hulks up and Sugiura decides that he’s had enough and clocks him with a closed fist and the ref crawls over him for it. But Masa gets a shoot headbutt to draw blood and before he can finish we get a Sugiura German…but Masa shakes it off and fires back with his own punch that crumples the vet and the ref crawls on Masa! Kitamiya is leaking blood here and gets a piledriver and then a diving senton for 3.

*½

Man I just can’t with Masa. I’ve tried him as a singles and I hated this, I’m sorry. I love Sugiura but the shoot headbutt and the non-stop hulk ups lose me. I have no problem with key moments of no-selling but Masa spams them to the point it loses their value. Also I’m just sick of them constantly trying to make Masa work as a singles. This is a rating built more on frustration from the booking of Masa than my pure thoughts on the match but I am so sick of this, we know he’s just a tag-guy, just live with that.

AKIRA, Eita & HAYATA vs. Hitoshi Kumano, Junta Miyawaki & Yu Owada

Background: So Eita is a greasy guy who was a popular freelancer for NOAH who dipped and has returned. He’s small even for a junior and he just exudes greasiness, but in a fun way, he has a glittery outfit, HAYATA has his half-mask and baggy pants on and AKIRA is an old-timer with long-stringy witch hair and a red bodysuit. It is important to note that for some reason HAYATA is the GHC National Champion which is theoretically the secondary singles title in the company. We do not know why they did that. Their opponents are Junta in his 90s screensaver pants and floppy hair, Yu in his rookie black trunks deal, and Hitoshi who is apparently an older NOAH junior who had to retire due to vision problems but is back! Probably because of all the Wrestle Magic happening. Hitoshi has a nice perm and blue tights.

The Match: Eita and Junta start and Eita immediately plays to the crowd before locking up. Headlock that Junta dominates cause he is notably bigger than Eita. Eita gets a jump kick though and preens to the crowd more and he’s feeling it. HAYATA in next but runs directly into a a dropkick and in comes Kumano to do…stuff. HAYATA cheats to take and maintain control but Kumano gets a brainbuster and AKIRA and YU are in in a battle of youth versus experience. Wristlock stuff as AKIRA even does a cartwheel and the vet gets some strikes to maintain control and they slug it out. AKIRA pulls the straps down and my lord that 58 year old is absolutely jacked. Yu dropkick sets up Miyawaki and then the young guys all triple team the old guy. AKIRA finally breaks free and Eita is in to take on Kumano and then he dropkicks everybody down and he is fired up. With some WRESTLE MAGIC! It all breaks down and we get Owada and AKIRA and AKIRA gets a scoop slam but is cut off going by a dropkick and Owada shows off with a backflip off of AKIRA’s chest and then a diving crossbody. It breaks down AGAIN and we get some miscommunication spots and I don’t get doing this here. Anyway Eita and HAYATA take down Owada and that sets up an AKIRA diving splash for 3.

*¾

Way too long for what it was but I guess HAYATA and Eita are bros now and gonna take everything over. Hope that doesn’t blow up.

GLG (Tadasuke & YO-HEY) (c) vs. Shuji Kondo & YASSHI vs. Los Golpeadroes (Alpha Wolf & Dragon Bane) – GHC Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Title Three Way Elimination Match

Background: So these teams are all actually well-established. GLG are a new stable but Tadasuke and YO-HEY have been teaming forever in various incarnations, Taddy is the brawling trickster in a black and silver bodysuit and YO-HEY is the charismatic high-flyer in baggy pants. Shuji and “brother” YASSHI are DragonGate guys, Shuji is the power guy in Ultimate Warrior tassels and YASSHI is his annoying twerp partner with awful dreads and a hoodie and baggy shorts and I think he wants to be some sort of Jamaican inspired thing and I hate it. Los Golpeadores are two luchadores that are also brothers, Dragon is the smaller, leaner high-flyer of the two in a dragon-themed mask and trunks and Wolf is the power guy in a singlet and a wolf mask.

The Match: YASSHI greets us with a terrible rap entrance as Shuji looks like he’d rather be ingesting bleach and I’m reminded that YASSHI used to team with YO-HEY back in the day. YASSHI, Wolf, and Tadasuke start and YASSHI starts talking noise and Wolf superkicks him and does a lucha sequence with Taddy and then Shuji comes in and throws Alpha around. Bane comes in next to fly around and it’s all breaking down as guys do rapidfire sequences until GLG clears the ring and Alpha comes in with a double missile dropkick and the Los Golpeadores amazing double-team sequence that ends with Bane moonsaulting off his brothers shoulders and then Alpha launches Bane into the corner. We reset to GLG on YASSHI who does a double nut-clutch…and then he does a triple nut-cluch when he bites Wolf’s block and tackle. Well…that’s new. Kondo is in now as YO-HEY sells his junk as Kondo smirks and stomps. Dragon Bane tries to liven things up but the ex-DragonGate guys take over with some fast stuff and an assisted standing senton off of Kondo’s shoulders and this match is like…impossible to describe. Kondo stuffs a Dragon Bane rana and then Alpha topes Kondo and YASSHI blocks a Dragon handspring with a German but he styles and profiles too much and YO-HEY gets the backflip dropkick for 3 and thankfully we’re now down to just Los Golp vs. GLG and I might be able to make sense of this now. The Mexicans do some of their slick doubles to GLG and get a gorgeous springboard somersault plancha on GLG from Alpha to set up a big dive from Bane…who does a step-up springboard corkscrew moonsault off the top rope and I just tore my knee in half watching that. Dragon Bane gets the SSP from the top on YO-HEY…for 3 and the luchador is miffed to put it mildly. Alpha Wolf’s straps are down now and the brothers go in but YO-HEY does some sneaky stuff to bring in Taddy who comes in hot with a lariat and DB gets a kip-up dodge to a superkick and a bicycle knee and it’s all breaking down with big knees and Taddy gets poison rana’d but DB gets the Ganmen G from YO-HEY and my goodness. Alpha Wolf with the crucifix bomb! Tadasuke gets the lariat on Alpha Wolf! We get a reset and Los Golpeadores gets some slick footwork and a fakeout kick to set up DB’s Made In Japan (I want to call it the Dragon Driver but that isn’t an official name as of yet) for 2, and then a buzzsaw kick! But Taddy pops up and gets his lariat to get a reverse Jannetty sell from Bane! And then Los Golp are fine now as Bane gets a crazy tope that the camera focuses on as it missed Wolf’s moonsault on YO-HEY but it gets 2 so who cares! Alpha loads up the Wolf Driver but YO-HEY slips out! YO-HEY’s Ganmen G and the luchador’s headbutt sets up the Wolf Driver but Taddy breaks it up, the Mexican demolishes Taddy with a headbutt and YO-HEY’s YO-ROLL gets 3 off the distraction.

***½

Okay I don’t like doing recaps like that cause that means the match was just stuff happening but if you’re going to do stuff just always do stuff and don’t stop and put in a ton of energy and chemistry and I’ll have a good time. This was county fair funnel cake and sometimes you need a sugar rush.

YAMATO vs. Kenoh

Background: Kenoh is the Looney Tunes, both a constantly irritated man who is ready to be pestered into madness by the world, and also the world’s largest irritant who exists to troll everybody alive. He is all ham, all anger, and he has a ridiculous blonde mushroom cut and blue pants and he wants to kick everybody to death while screaming about it. His opponent is YAMATO in an apparent mystery opponent deal, I’ll admit my DragonGate lore is weak but I remember the YAMATO name even if I cannot remember a thing about his work. And apparently this is the payoff to the animal mask thing they were running on Monday Magic and YAMATO arrives as the long-haired, big-eared, jacked up, small, white trunks wearing Almighty. Who apparently has a bit of a narcissist gimmick.

The Match: Kenoh is absolutely peeved at all of this. They dance around and Kenoh throws a kick and then they grapple on the mat a bit to a standstill and commentary puts over that it would take WRESTLE MAGIC for a match like this to happen. YAMATO breaks a headlock with a shoulderblock and preens, and then Kenoh gets a shoulderblock and does his own preening as some mockery. Boston Crab by Kenoh follows and then some stomping and fancy kicks from the kenpo-master of NOAH. YAMATO bails to the outside and as Kenoh looks for him the DragonGate man slips under the ring and kicks Kenoh from the back that sneaky snake! SIngle-leg crab and YAMATO keeps on the knee afterwards with some elbow drops and preening. So much preening. And now some chops and preening from YAMATO on Kenoh. Kenoh fires back with some kicks and flying knees and winces while and after all of them cause he’s a beautiful angel. Kenoh gets an ankle lock and YAMATO gets the ropes to break and both guys are hobbled. Kenoh fires away with kicks on YAMATO who asks for more. YAMATO counters with the dragon screw and a pose. They slug it out, Kenoh wins and gets the ankle lock again. He gets the gut kick out of that to set up the PFS but he misses and limps into the corner where YAMATO gets the Go 2 Hospital II dropkick and then loads up Ragnarok (his lifting Emerald Flowsion) but Kenoh grabs YAMATO’s tights in a way that would have YAMATO reveal a lot of himself to land the move and that lets Kenoh slip out and get a Dragon Suplex and a breather. Kenoh charges and gets Frankensteinered in response but slips out and gets a big kick and climbs the ropes again to land the PFS…and after clutching the leg gets the pin.

**¾

YAMATO seems fine if maybe not the impressive star he was sold as by commentary but I’m not a DragonGate guy. Kenoh is always fun and got over his cranky but lovable jerk deal.

Post-match they give respect and Kenoh poses.

Well, this is a long card and I am tired so I’m going to end this review here for you to ponder and pose and I’ll be back with this tomorrow. Or I won’t be, who knows!