Pro Wrestling NOAH: Grand Ship 2024 in Yokohama June 16th 2024

Hey guys and welcome to what is a pretty significant Pro Wrestling NOAH event with three title matches and some pretty important things happening on the show, SPOILERS. Now a more clever man than myself would have this review up quickly to take advantage of the hype for the show but I am not that man and I didn’t write notes while watching it the first time cause it was very late/early for me and I was tired. So this is a rewatch and I will be even more cynical and critical than I was before! So watch out for that.

Super Crazy vs. LJ Cleary vs. Ninja Mack

Background: So these are three juniors who are not super important, Mack is probably the most credible as he’s been Junior and Hardcore champ before and Super Crazy is part of Stinger and Cleary is part of GLG. Ninja is in his black ninja outfit, LJ has tights and long curly hair, and Super Crazy looks like a dude I used to demolish houses with. Crazy and LJ are heels (ish) and Mack is a face.

The Match: Everybody poses and panders to start then we get some triple threat spots with double headlocks and some noggin-knockers. Mack chops everybody and then they chop Mack. More agility from uh…Mack and really only Mack as the heels double-team him but they both accidentally hit each other and Mack takes advantage. They toss Mack outside and LJ and Crazy face off in a, lets call it an unmotivated sequence, or maybe LJ just isn’t that good. Mack back in an LJ does some agile-ish stuff and ends with an okay tope into a preen, fine points for that. Mack and LJ face off in the ring and LJ wins with a kick and then…rolls out to attack Super Crazy? This lets Ninja kick LJ and he goes for the Ninja Special but Crazy rolls in and gets a back suplex and a surfboard. This match does not have much flow. Crazy takes over and gets the corkscrew elbow drop. More contrived triple teams follow. Cleary gets a springboard reverse Canadian Destroyer on Mack, Crazy then moonsaults Mack but LJ picks up Crazy and gets the Ushigoroshi for 3.

*

Just bad. Sloppy, unmotivated, and over half-butted.

Team NOAH (Akitoshi Saito, Atsushi Kotoge, Go Shiozaki, Hi69 & Mohammed Yone) vs. REAL ZERO1 (Chris Vice, Hide Kubota, Satsuki Nagao, Takuya Sugawara & Yasu Kubota)

Background: Oh boy. So this is Team NOAH, which is the washed up loser babyface stable in NOAH facing REAL ZERO1 which is the remnants of the Zero1 promotion now being a stable and going around. Saito holds the Zero1 belt I believe so I think they want it back. Akitoshi is an old man with a pyramid body, baggy pants, and bad tattoos, Kotoge had dyed red hair and a bad chinstrap beard, he’s a decently talented junior who has flirted with heavyweight status and has baggy shorts. Hi69 is another guy with a bad tattoo and a bad build, he has a ponytail and is a replacement level junior. Yone has a giant fro and has some size but is clearly past his prime. Go is an aging top babyface who is back from injury and stuck with these bums, he’s defending the name of NOAH from outsiders but this group basically always loses, he has dark blonde hair, pale skin, and unflattering black trunks. REAL ZERO1 is made up of jacked up bald white guy Chris Vice, the Kubota Brothers who are both kinda small and old and wear tank tops, I think Hide has a beanie and sunglasses and a shoulder tattoo and Yasu has a receding bleached hairline. Satsuki is young and doesn’t wear a shirt and has floppy hair and a goatee. Takuya is shirtless but probably shouldn’t be. He has baggy, shiny, purple pants with an orange scorpion on them.

The Match: Apparently Vice is the guy Saito beat for the belt and he wants it back. Him and Akitoshi start but REAL ZERO1 jump Saito and put the boots to him. Saito fires back with a knee on Satsuki though and Team NOAH runs in to stomp on Satsuki. Quick tags on Satsuki from Team NOAH until a dropkick lets Satsuki drag Kotoge to the ZERO1 corner and the Kubota brothers do some double-teams on the junior. Kotoge gets a kick on Takuya and we finally get Vice and Saito with the stiff shots and such. REAL try to get spicy but Yone does a nice double clothesline and it’s back to Vice and Saito. Vice takes out Saito and then Hi69 comes in, gets a nice back elbow and the Lionsault but Vice gets a brainbuster and a Package Piledriver and wins.

*½

Well it’s better than the last match I guess but woof. Vice seems okay even if the rest of his stable seem like bums. That said Team NOAH was pretty rough too, just sad stuff all around, poor Go.

Now time for the big news as part of the NOAH/WWE partnership and we’re getting AJ Styles in Japan to wrestle Marufuji at the July 13th show.

Shuhei Taniguchi & Titus Alexander vs. Daiki Inaba & Masa Kitamiya

Background: These are the lumpen beefy men of NOAH’s midcard. Masa is the most credible and has black 3/4ths tights and a blonde mohawk. Daiki has purple tights with lightning bolts on them, and Shuhei has black trunks. Titus is an athletic American indie guy who does all the athletic American indie offense but does have some charisma despite that. Titus has black tights with gold fringe.

The Match: Daiki and Shuhei grapple on the mat a bit and then grapple standing up a bit. Daiki finally speeds it up and takes over with an elbow drop on Taniguchi. Titus in and he tries to control with a headlock and some grappling and Daiki brings in Masa. Masa shoulderblocks the American but Titus comes back with speed and gets a tope a crossbody for 2.8. Masa hulks up and starts no-selling and sentons everybody but Titus eventually gets a dropkick and now Shuhei is in. And we some yelling and clotheslines and slams and no-selling. Inaba in and does stuff. Titus in with some speed. Handspring cutter and Package Backbreaker and they slug it out until Masa comes in to cut Titus off. Backdrop suplex/Diving Elbow from Daiki/Masa but Shuhei breaks it up. Blue Thunder Bomb on Titus for 2. Headlock elbow drop! But Titus gets a dropkick, a jumping knee, a brainbuster, and then his Big Ugly (Chaos Theory) gets 3.

**

Well it was competent, just kinda boring. Titus might have something but these guys aren’t going to help him get there.

Now Manabu Soya comes out and he’s clean-shaven with the nice start of a fauxhawk that’s totally black, no hair dye, and he’s back baby. This is great news as he’s had nerve damage a few times and he’s one of my real favorites, just a big chunky brawler who will lariat you out of your boots.

AMAKUSA, Hajime Ohara & Junta Miyawaki vs. Eita, Shuji Kondo & Yu Owada

Background: So Eita just won the junior tag titles with Shuji. Eita is a greasy trickster babyface with baggy black pants, Kondo is a beefy guy with Ultimate Warrior tassels. Yu is a young lion in black trunks. AMAKUSA just came back from knee injury and is a big junior star for NOAH, Junta is his partner, a friend from their days in Mexico with color vomit pants and Hajime is their backbreaking tag partner with his shorts. AMAKUSA has Spanish missionary themed gear (yes it’s weird) and baggy white pants.

The Match: Ohara and Owada start with Ohara taking over with submissions until Shuji runs in and demolishes everybody and they reset. Junta in next against Owada who calls out Kondo and lets Shuji tag in. Junta tries to take over with speed but Kondo shrugs it off until he gets dropkicked outside and he tags out. Eita and AMAKUSA as this is a big showdown as they’re the two biggest stars in the match. Pretty slick sequence with AMAKUSA being the more agile but Eita being the quicker and more clever wrestler. Double-team with Eita and Shuji on AMAKUSA. It’s breaking down in Yokohama and Junta gets triangle plancha on Kondo and then a missile dropkick on Eita but Eita sidesteps another dropkick and in comes Owada. Yu gets a crossbody and a brainbuster but Junta reverses the second and brings in AMAKUSA. Springboard elbow! Corkscrew clothesline! Kondo breaks up and wipes guys out but a po-up frankenstiener sends Shuji flying and AMAKUSA follows up with the upsidedown tope. Back in and AMAKUSA slips off the ropes and gets a body slam on Yu to recover and gets a Spiral Tap on Owada for the win.

**¼

Mostly just a showcase for AMAKUSA and to set up some matches down the line but it did that fine.

Takumi Iroha vs. The Great Sakuya

Background: Sakuya is the homegrown NOAH woman, she’s the offspring of the Great Muta and is a dancing, poison spitting, facepainted weirdo. Takumi is a tall, stiff-kicking babyface freelancer of pretty legit credibility. Takumi has an Elvis jumpsuit and short hair while Sakuya is in a full bodysuit with long hair.

The Match: Iroha baits out Sakuya by sitting in the ring as Sakuya is weird and creepy in the corner. Sakuya responds by busting some moves to impress Takumi. They lockup and Sakuya does some awkward tilt-a-whirls to set up a bad armdrag and then bails and does more freaky stuff outside. Back inside and a test of strength but Sakuya throws a strike and takes control and it’s just terrible. We get some finger biting but Iroha comes in with a spinning heel kick and goes for the sasori-gatame. And Sakuya just kinda lies in and doesn’t sell or react much at all. Ropebreak and we reset to more awkward brawling between the two of them as Sakuya seems to have no idea what she’s doing. Iroha sets up her Running 3 powerbomb but Sakuya slips out and does a flip senton. Iroha seems to get fed up after a slap and stomps Sakuya into the dirt and goes up but is cut off and Sakuya hits a super frankensteiner. Superkick, poison rana, and lionsault as Sakuya’s offense is like a parody of a CAW. Sakuya goes up for a regular moonsault but Takumi gets her knees up. Iroha goes for the Running 3 again but another frankenstiener sets up a kick from Sakuya, but Takumi shrugs it off, Running 3 for the 3rd time and Sakuya flips out and goes for the mist…and Iroha ducks. A flurry of kicks and the Running 3 finally gets the pin.

*¾

Well Iroha is really good but my word, Sakuya is trash, she has all the spots but no idea how to actually wrestle with them. Sakuya at least knows how to bump so when it came time for Iroha to do stuff Sakuya could set it up but overall this was just a disaster.

GLG (Jake Lee, Tadasuke & YO-HEY) vs. All Rebellion (Alejandro, Cristobal & Kenoh)

Background: Jake Lee, the Good Looking Emperor and his junior minions against the new babyface stable of All Rebellion where Kenoh teams with his junior minions or Cristobal and Alejandro. Obviously Kenoh beat Jake for the GHC title so there’s always heat here. GLG are in black and gray and All Rebellion are in white and silver.

The Match: Kenoh and Jake start and taunt each other and the crowd. Lockup and Jake gives the clean if arrogant break. Standing grappling which Kenoh wins and gives a slap in the ropes, and Jake spits at him in response. Spicy! Cristobal and YO-HEY tag in. Cristobal gets his terrible offense and YO-HEY tags out and we get Tadasuke vs. Alejandro. Alejandro gets control with speed but Tadasuke gets the feint DDT and brings in Jake to brutalize the junior. Jake tries to get Alejandro in a paradise lock multiple times while Kenoh runs in to break it up and you can actually see Lee’s blood pressure rise. They continue to beat on Alejandro but he finally gets a slingshot crossbody and in comes Kenoh to take out the GLG juniors and he kicks Jake off the apron. More double-teams averted as Kenoh breaks YO-HEY and Taddy apart and he brings in Cristobal to hit some terrible dropkicks. And more terrible lucha offense, and more terrible…okay you get it. Cristobal goes up, Taddy throws him off the top, tags in Jake Lee, Lee boots Kenoh off the apron and gets the Face Break Shot on Cristobal for 3.

**½

Well this was mostly about Kenoh and Jake screwing with each other but that’s a delightful dynamic.

Post-match Jake announces that GLG is breaking up which is uh, wow. That’s massive and I assume is him leaving to New Japan, but that’s a crazy development.

HAYATA & Ryohei Oiwa vs. Ulka Sasaki & Yoshinari Ogawa

Background: Ryohei is a New Japan young lion who is doing his stuff in NOAH and has had a pretty incredible run as a beefy boy who has so much power, he has a blonde-fringe mullet and silver pants. Ogawa is the ancient trainer of all the NOAH guys and HAYATA is the greasy heel junior ace of NOAH who is currently the National champion for reasons that still befuddle me. HAYATA and Ogawa used to be in Stinger together but they broke up and now hate each other. Oh and Ulka is an early 30s ex-MMA rookie for NOAH that is a quick learner but is trying to marry his MMA skills with pro wrestling.

The Match: Ulka and Oiwa start and trade stuff with Oiwa being stronger and Ulka being trickier. But power wins and Ulka bails to tag in Ogawa. Ogawa uses his elder trickiness to care care of Oiwa and in comes HAYATA to out-quick Ogawa and gets a plancha on Ogawa and Ulka. Oiwa teases a dive but everybody scrambles. Reset back to Oiwa and Ogwa who out-tricks him again and Ulka comes in to throw a knee but OIwa gets a shoulderblock and is just too strong for the rook that’s way older. HAYATA in to do wristlock business but Ulka reverses to an armbar and in comes Ogawa to counter all of HAYATA’s stuff. Oiwa in to destroy Ogawa and Ulka with power and speed and he just demolishes the other team until Ulka gets an Indian Deathlock but it’s broken and HAYATA comes in to gain control until Ulka gets a flash kneebar to let Ogawa come in to get a great DDT and more Ratboy shenanigans and quick tags. HAYATA makes space with a jumping kick on Ulka but the rook gets a flying armbar in response, and then a stunner and his own jump kick. Strike flurry from Ulka sets up an ace crusher but HAYATA reverses with some rollups but an Ulka achilles lock gets the instant tap from HAYATA.

**½

Look this match was a bit too long and chunky for what it was but it had some nice segments and set up some future stuff, plus Ulka’s “outta nowhere” submission stuff is a delight to see.

Post-match Ulka wants a match for the National belt and HAYATA agrees…but doesn’t shake hands.

Daga (c) vs. Starboy Charlie – GHC Junior Heavyweight Championship

Background: Daga is our scumbag champ who loves cheating abd breaking backs, he has a pure white coat and long greasy curls. Charlie has denim overalls with an airbrushed design on them.

The Match: Daga controls with a headlock but Charlie gets some speed. Daga dodges a handspring and sentons the back to set up his target. Springboard dropkick to a tope lets Daga wipe out Charlie and the abuse as Daga slams Charlie into the ring post and suplexes him on the outside. More stomping on the back as Daga jaws with the crowd and Charlie looks like he was told he failed geometry. Daga is just beating the daylights out of his American opponent. Charlie finally flips out of a backdrop suplex and gets a Pele to set up his comeback and they slug it out which Charlie wins and gets a corkscrew standing moonsault. Daga to the outside and Charlie with an over the ropes standing moonsault. Back in and Charlie goes up and Daga bails and gets Charlie on the ropes when he tries to go after him but Daga goes up and Charlie gets another Pele on the top rope to set up a triangle diving DDT onto the apron in an absolutely stupid looking spot. Back in and they slug it out but Daga gets his grimy stuff to set up a back suplex backbreaker. Rope-assisted pin ALMOST gets it for Daga but the ref catches it. Both guys trade stuff and do sneaky stuff until Daga gets kick on Charlie mid kip-up and gets a northern elbow, a neckrbeaker combo and the Diablo Wings for 3.

**

Man Charlie is NO good but the match made some sense at least. Really enjoy Daga and I’d love if he faced a guy who could sell. At least Charlie played the scrappy flippy-dude okay but this was just a showcase for Daga’s dirtbaggery.

Post-match AMAKUSA comes out and challenges Daga, Daga accepts and says he needs more food. I men I don’t want to question his methodologies when his abs look like that.

GLG (Anthony Greene & Jack Morris) (c) vs. Naomichi Marufuji & Takashi Sugiura – GHC Tag Team Championships

Background: So GLG have been champions for a LONG time now, with Jack being the singles standout and Greene being his wormy partner, but with GLG breaking up obvious this is dicey now. Green has the chaps and the long permed hair and the hairy chest and Jack is jack’d up and is wearing biker shorts and has the long hair. Suigura has the goatee and my god how is he 54? Marufuji has the baggy pants and the weird hair, they’ve been tag-champs before and now it’s time to represent the old crotchety NOAH guys against these foreign jerks.

The Match: Jack and Sugi start and we get a lockup won by Jack and then Jack takes him down and Sugi just looks just irritated by all of this. Shoulderblock battle and Sugiura tosses the Scot outside and taunts him. Morris bails out again and brings in Greene and Takashi brings in Maru. They do some stalemate business until Greene gets a clothesline and brings in Jack to beat on Maru until Naomichi gets a dropkick and Sugi comes in…and gets dragged outside by Greene to set up a Morris tope. GLG goes to work on Sugi in the corner and the ring. After a good amount of time Sugi gets a gourdbuster and a kitchen sink knee and Marufuji comes in and he gets mugged but two lariats and some tricky kicks let Maru come back and he reverses the double-teams but his shiranui gets cutoff and we get a backdrop suplex/neckbreaker from GLG to regain control, but some more fancy kicks from Naomichi lets Sugiura come in for the corner boot, corner knee, and delayed superplex on Morris. Crab on Morris that gets broken up but Takashi gets a German and a running knee…that misses and some fancy feet from Jack gets space but Maru cuts off the tag. Sugi and Maru pinball Jack between them but Jack ducks a kick which wipes out Takashi and we get Greene with a hot tag, neckbreaker, superkick to Maru, rope-walk crossbody to Sugi! Rollup! Sugi gets a kitchen sink knee and slows it down so he can grind Anthony into dirt but GLG slide in for the double teams, and when Sugiura fires back Anthony leapfrogs the spear so Jack can get the Tiger Driver and Greene gets a rolling cutter…for 2.9. Really nice nearfall there. Jack can’t get the Tiger Driver on Maru who counters and demolishes GLG with knees and we reset to Sugi and Greene and the American gets a number of kicks but can’t get the pin and Takashi gets the Olympic Slam to come back. Slugfest between Greene and Sugiura, and Takashi gets a lariat and a second Olympic Slam for the win.

***

A bit sluggish at parts but Takashi and Naomichi have great chemistry and them isolating Greene to get worn into bits by the Killing Machine was a nice finish. That said, I think I’m okay without GLG being a thing for a while, especially these two guys.

Kaito Kiyomiya (c) vs. Gabe Kidd – GHC Heavyweight Championship

Background: Kaito is the young ace of NOAH who at least year’s G-1 in New Japan did not do very well but had a number of long brawls with Gabe Kidd and they’ve been keeping that heat going for a while. Kaito has bled quite a bit and is wearing a band around his brow to cover up the scar tissue. This is about a jerk foreigner being disrespectful to NOAH and the GHC title and Kaito has to be the good little boy he is and stick up for the company. Gabe however hates companies except when he’s upset New Japan is treated poorly by AEW.

The Match: They start with a lockup and then a headlock sequence as they keep it slow and deliberate and okay I’m messing with you as they brawl to start, trading strikes and shoulderblocks and Gabe spends half his time swearing at the crowd cause he’s a madman or something. Kidd powders after a dropkick and Kaito gets a pescado as he has no desire to let this jerk get away from him. Kaito whips Kidd into the barricades as he’s a very irate pretty boy. They brawl through the crowd and we get a nice moment as they’re surrounded by darkness as spotlights follow them. We get guys getting tosses through chairs and and the crowd is pretty hot so far. Kidd pulls a chair out but Kaito dropkicks it into him. Back inside and Kaito pounds away on Kidd in the corner but Gabe flapjacks Kaito into the ringpost and we have blood. Gabe tosses Kaito outside and we abuse the champ on the barricade and Gabe destroys the NOAH ring announcer with a brainbuster cause he’s a madman bruv. Innit. Kaito cannot stand for this violation of workplace safety and comes back but Gabe counters with headbutts like it’s a proper pisser at the pub cause he’s a madman. The Englishman showboats with heel 201 stuff as he kicks Kaito around a bit. And as Kiyomiya fires up they trade forearms and then Gabe Brits up as I think somebody told him football is not in fact coming home. Kaito gets Kidd down with strikes but Kidd bites the champ and gets his own clubbering but he talks to the crow bruv and gets dropkicked and a double down. They reset and Kaito keeps it going with back elbows and a dropkick and completes the punches in the corner through a powerbomb attempt and kicks the downed Brit. They brawl more but when Gabe turns around and reminds everybody he’s a madman innit bruv Kaito gets a poison rana in the first time that move is not contrived to props there. They roll to the apron next and Kaito sets up the tiger suplex and Kidd bites the rope to stop it, but Kaito dropkicks Kidd into the post and gets the Tiger Suplex on the apron as we rest while Gabe blades. Back inside and Gabe is fired up with strikes as he pounds the champ into the corner and oi oi oi’s which I think might be gimmick infringement. Gabe gets the hanging choke and a brainbuster but picks Kaito up to keep the abuse going with a backdrop driver. Kidd’s piledriver is blocked and we get some suplexes between the both of them Kidd flips out of a suplex and gets a lariat for 2.9 but Kaito flips out of the Tombstone from Kidd to get an inverted DDT. Kaito’s tiger suplex is blocked with a Kidd lowblow and we get more kicks into the corner, but Gabe spits at Kaito who takes the Brit down stomps and spits himself. Slap-off next that Kidd loses who powders and wisely hides behind the apron this time but that doesn’t stop Kaito from a beautiful somersault plancha and they roll back inside. Avalanche tiger suplex from Kaito gets only 2 and Kaito sets up the shining wizard but Kidd bails. Reset to a brawl again as Kidd begs to be hit. Kaito gets a flying reverse knee out of the corner, a shining wizard to the back of Kidd’s head, and then the modified shining wizard to put Kidd down.

****½

Well this was all sorts of awesome. Just a bloody, violent mess of a match with both guys really trying to brutalize each other and exuding emotion and hate. This is the first time I’ve seen Kidd really be worth the hype but I think that he needs to cut out the edgelord tryhard stuff to really focus on what makes him work as a character. Really top-tier stuff from Kaito and the first time I really dug him for being him and not just the other guy in the match.

Post-match Kaito talks about how happy he was that he whooped Gabe Kidd and he’s going to continue showing NOAH fans he’s the best and he gets interrupted and now we get YOICHI, TAFKA Yoshiki Inamura back, and instead of the black leather and gold stud gear he’s shirtless and full of meat. Can’t say I prefer this look to what we had before but I’m not upset to have him back. Anyway YOICHI is the next challenger and he drops Kaito with the Musou side-slam and fires the arrow at the champ and I guess that’s his new taunt.

Well, this show was not good, but the main-event was spectacular.