Mick Foley vs. Toshiaki Kawada for the Triple Crown (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a popular request due to my “Mick Foley in All Japan” series- it’s Mick Foley vs. TOSHIAKI KAWADA! For the All Japan Triple Crown! For HUSTLE in 2004! Mick, fresh from destroying his body to put Randy Orton over, does a match solely for the money and tries not to embarrass himself.

Then it’s over to WCW for another Judo Suwa/Sumo Fuji match, as they take on The Public Enemy! Then I find another “Mike Awesome as a jobber” match as he teams up with Lee Scott to take on the Samoan Swat Team in WCW- come watch Lee take the mother of all jobber bumps! And finally, it’s Wrath vs. Kenny Kaos on WCW Saturday Night! Finally, it’s over to the WWF for an appearance by MICHAEL SHANE, as he acts as a WWF Metal jobber against Sho Funaki!

TRIPLE CROWN TITLE:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. MICK FOLEY:
(HUSTLE, 08.05.2004)
* Yes, it’s time for the OTHER big “Four Pillars vs. Mick Foley” match, as Foley travels to HUSTLE to face Toshiaki Kawada. So I read this and go “HUSTLE? What the frick is that?” and have to look THAT up- turns out it’s a then brand-new company that lasted from 2004-10, headed by UWF-I star Nobuhiko Takada and meant for a more “Sports Entertainment” thing (yes, this is the one that eventually had Great Muta spray mist into a woman’s crotch, which then laid an egg that hatched Akebono), and part of the deal was to book shit like the Triple Crown Champion of All Japan, Kawada, against mostly-retired WCW legend Bill Goldberg!

Except Goldberg backed out at the last minute (an injury during training, it says), and Mick Foley, having just barely wrestled Randy Orton in a classic violent match to put the kid over in one of his first “one last WWE match” runs, gets the phone call from his & Bill’s shared agent. In one of his books, he talks about this match being the only match he’s ever done “just for the money”, and the violent kicks he suffered caused him to start vomiting in a Japanese airport afterwards. But yeah, HUSTLE was probably desperate and just shoveled money towards an American star who can do a job. Foley tells it himself- “When my agent told me I could make Bill’s money, I told him I couldn’t walk, but I’d be in that ring!”: !”

So Foley’s heart isn’t in it, and Kawada has to be like “man, WTF” about defending the fabled Triple Crown against a guy best known in Japan for his Deathmatches, especially on another company’s show and against a ringer. Once we start, Mick gets very low applause, more polite than anything, and is fully in his Cactus Jack gear. Kawada gets only a little better.

They start slow, Kawada blank-faced as he works Mick over with kicks, sending him into his Cactus-style vocalizing. Foley uses punches and a WRISTLOCK (!!) to come back, but loses a forearm/punch war and is actually resorting to the “Andre Lean” against the ropes- he must be HURTING. Their “grapple” is basically a hug, Kawada giving him an opening, but of course Mick gets backdropped onto the entrance ramp and then kicked straight off it, which has gotta make his body feel a whole lot better. Foley takes some brutal chest-kicks and stalls for time by grabbing and throwing things around, then gets his trusty barbed wire bat (in a Triple Crown match!) and one of the ringside boys (Taichi) is fed to him, eating a big shot to the back (lol isn’t he the dude who ate it at the press conference?). The ref manages to keep him from using it in the ring, but Foley gets his stuff piledriver for two, then his sliding dropkick to a sliding neckbreaker on the floor. Cactus Elbow! A short couple of steps instead of the wild move of the past, but still!

Foley wins a strike war with his “rapidly punch them to the mat in the corner” spot, then hits a resthold and his Double-Arm DDT for two as Kawada is still in his “breathing heavily with his eyes wide open” sell. But in comes HUSTLE heel Yuji Shimada with the bat and it leads to a big struggle, Foley trying to pull it into Kawada’s face, but Kawada kicks free and hits an enzuigiri, then chucks it at Yuji and gets clotheslined down from the distraction. Then out comes MISTER SOCKO and the crowd finally responds to something, apparently having watched RAW from time to time, but Kawada uses the delay from the falderall to get his repeater kicks, a huge running boot in the corner, and a lariat for two. Kawada twists him with the Stretch Plum to wear him down, bludgeons him with kicks, stomps on his head, and goes to finish, but gets tripped by Shimada and takes the MANDIBLE CLAW! He’s good enough to sell it, scrunching up his face, but powers out and bludgeons Mick half to death with an infuriated look on his face, winning a strike war with an enzuigiri, Foley hitting the mat like a sack of shit. He gets the world’s weakest kickout, leading to Kawada kicking the absolute SHIT out of him for the pin at (12:57)- god damn that was a headshot.

I’ve seen this kinda effort from Kawada before- it’s more or less his “D’Lo Brown” match midcard effort, but with some extra stink on his shots owing to the title defense, then executing Foley in the end with some lethal ones. It was pretty weak and dull, though- they had no chemistry, no real plan, and was mostly Kawada doing the minimum to stay in the game while dominating the back third with the usual stuff. Very little running, flourish or anything- just a styles clash with Foley doing his punching and big bumps while Kawada still does his usual stuff around it, while also ensuring that he won every single strike-war because there was no way he was gonna look weak there. Mick was already hurting and barely-capable by the beginning, but eventually fought himself into taking some big bumps to try and carry his end, but mostly it was a mid-tier bout, as he couldn’t really fight as hardcore or cheat as much as he might normally do to make a proper “Style vs. Style” fight, so instead we just got the tease with the baseball bat and that was it.

Rating: **1/2 (some epic strikes by Kawada, but mostly a clumsy style clash with Kawada just going along with it until firing up for the end)

Mick, on the match: “It wasn’t going to make Kawada’s greatest hits DVD or mine, but I thought it was pretty solid. He had a style at that time. Kawada always worked a very realistic style. Later on in HUSTLE, I think he lightened up a lot to the point where he became a character. But at that point there was nothing you did with him that involved hitting the ropes. It all was based in a very realistic style. Kicks were really hard. I just couldn’t do much. I never had big offense. I never had great offensive moves anyway. And that’s kind of a drawback when you’re in Japan and it’s not a death match type of environment. I attempted to sneak a barbwire bat in! I basically did what I had to do to get through the match.”

THE PUBLIC ENEMY (Rocco Rock & Johnny Grunge) vs. JUDO SUWA & SUMO FUJI:
(WCW Saturday Night, July 11th 1998)
* It’s more Judo & Sumo! And they fought THE PUBLIC ENEMY, too! Judo’s now got something more similar to his Japanese gimmick, which was kind of this street tough character with a do-rag (what’s Japanese for “rowdy-rowdy and bout it-bout it”?) and black pants. Fuji’s in the black Andre/Heenan tights again. TPE are in their purple jerseys.

TPE get caught napping before the bell, paying too much attention to the fans, but the jobbers get tossed into each other and they bail after their nuts take a pounding. Sumo Fuji hits the sumo slaps on Grunge after going to the eyes, but runs into an elbow & neckbreaker. Judo runs into a drop toehold (lol why are the 90-lb. Cruiserweights unable to handle the speed & agility of JOHNNY GRUNGE?) and then gets double-flapjacked, but dodges Rocco’s lionsault press and goes up- Grunge just strolls in and they double-Flair Toss him off and Fuji comes in for a double-gutbuster, and they hit the Drive-By (assisted somersault senton) for the pin (2:36). BUT HE’S NOT THE LEGAL MAN! SHODDY REFEREEING! Alex Wright & Disco Inferno hit the ring to beat on TPE, then do their dancing and leave. But they left a perfectly unbroken table right there! Chekov’s Gun, people!!

This was effectively a jobber squash, as TPE got to easily reverse on their hapless opponents and just beat their asses. It was lax enough they didn’t even bother to get Fuji tagged in before he came in and ate their finish, lol. The ref had to be like “Should I…? ah, fuck it- it’s Saturday Night”.

Rating: * (just a squash)

THE SAMOAN SWAT TEAM (Samu & Fatu, w/ Paul E. Dangerously) vs. MIKE AWESOME & LEE SCOTT:
(WCW Pro, July 8th 1989)
* It’s more of Mike Awesome as a jobber! And this is my first time seeing Samu & Fatu in WCW, a few years before they hit the WWF as the Headshrinkers. At this point, Samu was actually the FATTER of the two men, as Fatu (seen here chewing on a pineapple on the way to the ring) was rather svelte. And they’re coming down to the Halloween theme for some reason, which is incongruous to all their white Polynesian themed gear and “savage” behavior. Never mind that a skinny (speaking of people who got fat quickly) Paul E. is their manager, here talking smack about the Road Warriors not having the guts to face them. But as soon as the Samoans get bored of smacking each other with a tennis racket, then haul over and start beating on the hapless jobbers, which includes a huge, roided Awesome (in Hulk Hogan’s exact gear, lol- that’s GOTTA be a rib. I believe they’re cousins) and generic, skinny Scott (in white tiger-stripes).

Scott immediately impresses me by taking a HUGE bump out of a double-flapjack, hitting like ten feet in the air and turning to make it a back bump. Give that jobber a RAISE. That was some “Shawn Michaels backdropped by Warlord at the Survivor Series” shit right there. He sells that big-time, but manages to try a hiptoss and gets clotheslined by Fatu. Samu comes in for the Hart Attack and they methodically beat his ass, Fatu hitting a powerslam and just pulling him up at “2”. Love that shit- because causing pain is more fun than a quick win. And just to be more awesome, they throw him to Awesome, who charges right into a thrust kick. Samu backdrop superplexes him into the Flying Splash for three (3:00), immediately smashing him in the head with a pineapple too, haha. Scott gets one completely detonated over his head (!!) and Fatu eats one over the corpse of Awesome. Okay I can see why people dug the SST a lot back in the day.

Rating: 1/2* (fun squash! Just PUMMELS these two assholes and gives them absolutely nothing, cheating just to cause more harm, then wrecking the big guy)

Someone is selling this card for $223.50 Canadian on eBay. Dude was too lazy to even write “Kenny”!

WRATH vs. KENNY KAOS:
(WCW Nitro, March 29th 1999)
* WOOOOOOOOOOO- it’s Wrath vs. Kaos! I’ve found a second match featuring them! So one is a roided short guy, and the other a roided TALL guy, with Wrath in the midst of a big push as a Psuedo-Goldberg jobber-slayer. Wrath’s in purple & black, going up against Kaos, in a silver singlet.

Wrath scores some chops early, but runs into a Kaos back elbow and bails. He puts some stomps on Kenny when he chases him back into the ring, but Kenny just easily makes a comeback and hits a big delayed suplex (physically shaking like mad on the hold- he is NOT strong enough for that lift) for two as this is oddly Kaos-dominant. There’s an odd miscommunication when Wrath punches Kaos as he ducks, but it turns into Wrath’s pump kick and dropkick, Kaos hitting the floor as they were OBVIOUSLY told to go long, probably so Tony Schiavone can hype stuff and boast about WCW’s ticket sales. Wrath gets a short-arm clothesline for two in the ring, and a quick chinlock sets up the Kaos comeback, but he eats a clothesline off the middle rope and Wrath slowwwwwwwllly works him over and does “anger the ref with choking” spots, and this is obviously drawing no reaction. Commentary just gets distracted christening Wrath’s odd leg-aided tie-up in the ropes “The Web”, and he works another chinlock, but finally charges into the corner and Kaos slams him, clearly getting tired. The commentators keep calling out his time-wasting but he actually hits a Guillotine Legdrop, getting two, but tries to whip Wrath off the ropes and ends up eating the Death Penalty (rock bottom) and the Meltdown (pumphandle slam) finishes at (7:56). The fans were literally only into the last two moves because they look cool and have impact.

This was soooooooooooo much longer than these two were really capable of, but it’s hard to blame them- it was clearly your “Commentary talks about Hollywood Hogan” match, full of exposition for other angles and then boasting about WCW’s ticket sales, so they were probably told to go long and not make it too wild. KAOS of all people appeared to be calling the match, too, which might be why they kept going to the floor, milking the “hit an elbow & taunt” stuff, and doing chinlocks. Both guys appeared a bit tired (Kaos was very clearly doing the huffnpuff) but didn’t get totally blown up, and after craploads of “whip them off the ropes and maybe have it reversed” stuff into the basics, Kaos suddenly eats a two-move combo and loses. Wrath was a fun guy to watch around this time, but he wasn’t gonna pull a good match out of an 8-minute bout against Kaos.

Rating: *1/2 (competitive yet largely slow-moving and not great)

SHO FUNAKI vs. MICHAEL SHANE:
(WWF Metal, Jan. 12th 2002)
* Once again, nothing says “Jakked/Metal” like a WWF guy taking on an indie/TNA dweeb. However, instead of featuring a future huge star, this one has… Michael Shane. a.k.a. the boring Shawn Michaels School graduate who peaked at being a mediocre, forgettable dude (according to anyone I’ve talked to, anyways). Michael’s in neon green tights with black undies over them. Funaki is actually given a first name by announcer Howard Finkel today!

The two do quick rope-running into Shane’s powerslam, then Shane hits a wheel kick and pulls Funaki into the post, but Funaki makes a comeback in the ring by targeting his leg and going Flair Lite on it. This goes on a WHILE, as they’re clearly told to kill time for Coachman & Kevin Kelly to talk about the angles of the day, but hoo boy- Funaki/Michael Shane does not exactly need a few minutes of legwork thrown in, perfectly cromulent as it is. Shane makes a couple comebacks (clothesline & enzuigiri), ending up with the Shawn Michaels forearm and a double-underhook belly-to-belly for two. His leg gives out trying a slam, but he shoves Funaki into the corner, where Funaki counters to an Inverted DDT for the pin (5:12).

Yeah, a FIVE MINUTE match like this. Instead of a regular squash, it was a 5-minute mini-match of a lot of legwork from Funaki, all perfectly fine but not terribly interesting- it’s all the textbook stuff and Shane was just doing the basic “ow! ow!” selling, even if it was technically used in the finish. Shane hits a comeback and gets some of his indie moves (WWF guys were good about letting the jobbers get some showcase offense back then), but Funaki ultimately crushes him with one semi-decent move and it’s over.

Rating: 1/2* (technically fine but you don’t really need 3-4 minutes of 1980s-style legwork in a jobber match, you know?)