Terry Funk vs. Jumbo Tsuruta (NWA Title) (and Other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Having just done WrestleMania III, I figured I’d dive back into the more obscure, starting with a request- one of the only recorded NWA World Title defenses of 31-year old Terry Funk, as he takes on Jumbo Tsuruta in 1976 All Japan! Then it’s more Japanese guys fighting Americans, as Ultimo Dragon trainees Judo Suwa & Sumo Fuji come to WCW as jobbers and face down the might of DISORDERLY CONDUCT!

Then it’s a rare FAT MAN STAND-OFF from 2000 WWF! “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry, mourning Mae Young’s injury, faces down Viscera on WWF Jakked! Finally, I end with a fascinating look at 1950s wrestling, as the ORIGINAL “Evil Japanese guy named Great ___”, The Great Moto, takes on The Mighty Atlas in 1950! Come see some of the cartooniest shit possible with a cowardly heel doing his best sneakiness, and the best counter to a chop you’ll ever see!

NWA WORLD TITLE:
TERRY FUNK vs. JUMBO TSURUTA:
(All Japan, June 11th 1976)
* It’s TERRY FUNK back when he was the NWA Champion! Apparently almost no footage exists of his run (which took place nine years after Dory’s 1,000+ day run, and lasted over 400 days), with this and a Harley Race match being the only two I can find in full, so it being against AJPW’s Jumbo is interesting. Both guys are in red trunks, with Terry having blue on his ass. Terry gets an even louder reaction than Jumbo! At only 31 years old, he has hair that’s long and curly on top, and a much bulkier physique than most remember from his “middle-aged and crazy” days. Jumbo’s only like 25, and was trained in part by the Funks in Texas.

FALL ONE: There is some LOUD drumming and chanting during the early going here, which definitely creates an interesting atmosphere, and Terry starts winning grapples and grinding his elbow against Jumbo’s face. Jumbo actually powers Terry onto his shoulders to escape a hammerlock and plops him on the top rope at one point- a show of dominance from the plucky contender. Terry keeps on the lead with a keylock, then we get the mandatory “Several Minute Fight Over a Simple Hold”, as Terry holds both of Jumbo’s arms back and Jumbo drrrrrrrrrramatically tries to reverse, ending up back in the same position, but FINALLY spins out and now Terry tries to do the same, but can’t! The hero is too strong! Terry has to wait till his arm is low and break the grip with his shin, so Jumbo has to settle for one arm, both guys pouring buckets of sweat- that arena is HOT.

Terry tries and tries with everything he has to reverse, but the kid is too persistent- again and again he can’t reverse! Terry Irish whips Jumbo to try and escape, but Jumbo not only holds on but drags Terry through the ropes by the arm, then hauls him over them back in the ring! Terry breaks the grip on the landing but ends up armdragged right back into it, and even after hitting an atomic drop, he misses and elbow and sure enough his arm is locked up again. Terry crossfaces him and whips him off the ropes and gets knocked down, but leapfrogs him and bowls Jumbo over, hitting the Butterfly Suplex, Jumbo carefully sliding to the ropes to get his feet on them at “2”. Terry whips him again, and it’s a double-leapfrog into Jumbo’s rolling clutch pin, and then he sunset flips Terry for the pin at (15:50) to take the first fall, leaping up triumphantly!

FALL TWO: And now, Terry, frustrated, acts like the typical invading NWA Champions of old and acts like a shit, slapping Jumbo around to provoke him, but Jumbo slaps back and nods like “that’s right”. Terry fires headbutts from a double-knucklelock and neckbreakers him for two, then splashes the neck and hits a piledriver for a defiant kickout! Terry just tosses Jumbo and works him over on the floor, then smashes him into the turnbuckle bolt when he tries to re-enter and works a chinlock/choke, and Jumbo fights up and launches him over the top with an elbow! Terry’s flailing, cartoony bumping is definitely different from other NWA Champs I’ve seen. Jumbo brings him in the hard way, only for Terry to win a fight over a rolling cradle… for three (6:05)! Jumbo pounds the mat in frustration as we’re tied- the kid dominated the round but Terry was just too clever and caught him. Both guys are literally pouring sweat during the break.

Seriously, did they film this in a volcano?

FALL THREE: Both guys come up with their fists balled up, getting admonished by the ref- Terry slams Jumbo, but ends up agonized in an abdominal stretch and desperately escapes, hiptossing Jumbo over the top, where he gets smashed into the apron by Terry’s second. Terry gets a Saito Suplex for two, but when he tries another, Jumbo hauls him up with one of his own! Terry collapses off an elbow and Jumbo gestures to the fans to get them into it, but can only throw kicks, and Terry punches him in the nose to break a hold. A butterfly suplex still gets two, but Jumbo tries a headlock and eats a huge backdrop suplex, quivering and twitching on the mat! It’s a double-down until the count of “7”, Terry hitting a rolling clutch for two, reversed for two, and both guys are fading as Jumbo hits a backbreaker. Release German from Jumbo has Terry in trouble, but he’s too slow to cover and can only get “1”, then Terry “hurts his back” doing a leapfrog, only to catch Jumbo on the backswing for a huge stungun! And Jumbo can only writhe in pain as Terry rolls over him and hooks the leg with both arms for the pin at (5:12), retaining the NWA Title. Too bad kid- he’s just got too much ring-smarts for you!

The 1970s style was so weird- like working the single “pull their arms behind them” hold for three solid minutes, but spend time carefully shifting weight and spinning and countering so it feels like a real part of the match- and obviously physically intensive enough that the “resthold” leaves them dripping buckets of sweat. Then it’s the endless armbar, as Terry finds every way imaginable to get out, only to end up with Jumbo slapping him back in the hold, thus “outclassing” him to the fans and establishing him as the better of the two men for ages. Jumbo wins the first fall, so an angry Terry starts to fight dirty in the second, provoking Jumbo into carelessness and a few fights- Terry still takes a shitkicking and a huge bump over the top rope, but he’s trickier and manages a rolling cradle to pull it out. And Falls 2 & 3 were both ridiculously contested, guys done with the “weardown” and just trying to finish with every last move, hitting things with urgency while also selling exhaustion (pretty easy in such a long match with what appears to be a BOILING hot arena) and the pain of the moves being done.

Terry in particular is very overwrought with his selling, always in the best way, while Jumbo treats pain like this enemy to overcome, with these agonized expressions. And the match established parity and Jumbo’s own superiority early on, and Terry had to use cleverness and experience to win, sneaking in shit like a stungun (a HUGE move in 1976), using the ring itself as a weapon because the kid got too aggressive and careless. I love that kinda shit.

Rating: ****1/4 (one of the best “super-old style” matches I’ve seen- slow to start and VERY drawn-out, but 12 straight minutes of action in the last two falls)

WCW was just THE BEST for throwing out random bullshit like “future Toryumon/Dragon Gate guys as jobbers”.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mike & Tough Tom) vs. JUDO SUWA & SUMO FUJI:
(WCW Pro, April 18th 1998)
* OH HELL YES!! Rookie Japanese trainees of Ultimo Dragon’s, and of course they come out on WCW Pro to fight the lamest tag team in WCW! And AMAZINGLY, the Japanese guys come out to this ridiculously-silly “traditional Japanese music” of woodwinds and strings, like anyone in Japan actually listens to that. It’s gotta be so weird being a Japanese wrestler, probably into big arena rock, visual kei, metal, or whatever and have to come out to 1800s-style traditional music. It’s like if white dudes showed up in Japan and their themes were 1870s marching band stuff. Suwa’s in white judo pants and Fuji has his hair done like a 1950s housewife and has a ridiculous Andre the Giant singlet.

Suwa doesn’t fare very well against Mean Mike, who actually no-sells his punches but runs into an armdrag, and quickly overpowers the diminutive Fuji while Lee Marshall just fucks up his words again and again (“Disorderly Contact- Disorderly CONDUCT, rather, the BRAWLERS of the team”). However, Tough Tom soon eats a bunch of headbutts and chops from Sumo (going from light ones to actual chops… oh shit they’re SUMO chops, duh). Suwa in with martial arts kicks but he gets clobbered and running powerslammed for two. Mike gets a belly-to-belly, then they hit a double-team into their finisher, the Hangman’s Noose (I FORGOT THEY HAVE A FINISHER! apparently it’s a double-axehandle/Rude Awakening combo), which finishes at (2:38). lol poor Sumo Fuji only got to do headbutts and some titty-based offense. Of course some guy in the comments of this video is pissed about the indignity of it, like these two 90 lb. first-years should have gotten some huge push in WCW.

Rating: * (one of those “competitive but easy” matches where they share offensive loads but Disorderly Conduct just sorta eat them alive after a point and easily handle one dude)

“SEXUAL CHOCOLATE” MARK HENRY vs. VISCERA:
(WWF Jakked/Metal, March 25th 2000)
* Yes- even in the Attitude Era, an era defined by crackhead-looking guys and roid-monsters, we actually managed a FAT MAN STAND-OFF! Mark’s wannabe lothario act by this time had his lover Mae Young be powerbomed off the stage by the Dudley Boyz (Mae still gives the “hand-squeeze” to indicate she’s okay on the landing while Bubba does his O-face, lol). Mark is thus super sad and pensive. He’s well into the lower third of the card by this point, but Viscera is even lower than that! Both guys are in black, Because Attitude Era. Mark in his torso-covering singlet and Viscera wearing his garbage bag/leather S&M thing.

Mark catches Viscera napping, but gets knocked over. Viscera throws chops, but Mark arbitarily fires back with right hands and knocks Vis over with a wimpy shoulderblock. Mark hits the avalanche, but hurts his back trying a slam and Viscera immediately hits a wimpy kick into the Samoan drop and hits a MUCH bigger avalanche, Mark collapsing face-first. A double-clothesline has them both down and they slowwwwwly get up and then have the single slowest, weakest-looking slugfest I’ve ever seen, Mark winning with two shoulderblocks (what kind of FAT MAN STAND-OFF is this?!? You’re supposed to no-sell those!), that Bossman sliding thing in the ropes, and a legdrop gets two. Viscera reverses a whip and hits another avalanche (why are we repeating offense? You ran outta shit in three minutes?!), calls a spot, then Mark dodges him and charges into Viscera’s rolling roundhouse kick. Viscera roars, runs back, and hits his Big Splash… and WINS (3:57). Wait, Viscera WON!? I wasn’t thinking he was beating anyone in 2000! This must be creating a “Mark is badly hampered without his beloved Mae by his side” thing. Cuz holy crap I don’t remember Viscera ever winning matches.

This was a pretty weak match, with Mark hitting pretty soft-looking offense, both guys repeating moves and spots (in a 4-minute match?), and not really putting any effort into it. Like, look at those punches being traded. Of course, rather than being disappointed, I should just accept that 2000 Mark Henry & Viscera were awful and Jakked is NOT the place for guys to light a fire under their asses and show the bookers what they’re missing, haha.

Rating: 1/2* (an incredibly weak Fat Man Stand-Off)

THE GREAT MOTO vs. MORRIE SHAPIRO, THE MIGHTY ATLAS:
(Chicago International Ampitheatre, 11/03/1950)
* Yes, it’s time for more *1950s WRESTLING*, with one of the original Evil Foreigners, The Great Moto! Yes, they were calling Japanese heels “The Great ____” way back in 1950. This being only five years after VJ Day, with a solid chunk of the audience having been shot at by, or having to shoot at, Japanese soldiers, this Evil Foreigner gimmick was probably a tad more potent. According to what little I could find, he’s Masaur Iwamoto, the son of Japanese immigrants who allegedly worked as an actual sumo wrestler (lol good luck proving THAT), then turned to wrestling as “Young Shiranui”, then changing to the Great Moto (sometimes Mr. Moto), sporting a long goatee and round glasses often given evil Japanese in this time period (they were a trademark of Emperor Hirohito, so often found their way into American caricature)- he popularized “judo chops” as offense and he’s even the first wrestler to throw salt in the opponents’ eyes! The “Dead Wrestler Wiki” credits him with being part of the pipeline of talent to and from Japan. Mighty Atlas is Morris Shapiro, whose career doesn’t appear to be as storied, but he won some belts and also had a 30+ year career. He’s called “The Peacock of the Ring”, too- with a fancy shirt and Gomez Addams mustache, I can see it!

And gloriously, we have RUSS DAVIS commentating this one- he of the classic 1950s announcer voice and the dry snark. Moto has a lot of “falderall” (quoth Davis) on him, but takes off his robe, sash, getas (those wooden sandals), and puts down his fan, then neatly folds them all up into his robe- alas, it’s done very quickly and doesn’t build heat the way Gorgeous George’s heel schtick worked (allegedly this is by request of the state athletic commission). But he’s got his fingernails painted black to make him look extra “exotic” and foreign. Atlas is shorter and broader like a stocky powerhouse, with Moto being taller and soft-bellied.

And of course, as soon as the bell rings, Moto begs off and immediately launches into a sumo routine to “ward off evil spirits” and bows to Atlas, who quickly bearhugs him, sending Moto into cartoonish hysterics (how much you wanna bet someone from this era told teenage Harley Race “In my day the fans all thought it was real!”?). He gets in the ropes and they alternate simple holds and rolling each other over into pins, Moto repeatedly going for chokes and hairpulls, then Atlas just clubs him in the chest to send Moto scurrying to the ring apron like a coward. “Come on, fur-face!” lectures Davis as Moto keeps going for the hair and responding to the boos (“mostly from our one-dollar customers” Davis says, in what may be a classist remark). Atlas launches him with a gourdbuster out of a facelock (“do not mess with Mr. Atlas- he’s got mus-kles!”), then flings him around while Moto repeatedly begs off, then does a sumo stomp again and Atlas just charges him headfirst and bowls him over. Davis puts over “The Atlas Hold”, a particularly vicious full nelson requiring the referee to pry Shapiro’s fingers apart. Moto starts using his famous JUDO CHOPS, but actually HURTS HIS HANDS on the strong neck of a flexing Atlas and now sells his poor fingers. Oh my god that is amazing.

European uppercut, hiptoss (“side mare”) and back body drop have this turning into MOVEZ, but Moto uses “skullduggery” to come back, doing stuff like barely touching the ropes and drawing the fans into it. Davis calls him “Rice and chops boy” in our worst statement of the day (really, Hulk Hogan was more racist towards his foes than anything here) and Moto uses a “sleep-hold” that’s just him hugging Shapiro’s neck from the front, but repeatedly using it in the ropes and breaking just before the DQ. Moto then actually uses the TAZMISSION (katahajime) which is a legal hold here, but it can’t hold up to Shapiro’s FLEXING strength (“he has his Wheaties every morning!”) and it pops loose. He eats a double-knee and Atlas goes for the Atlas Hold- Moto makes the ropes but gets hauled down by his BEARD into a hammerlock while Davis talks smack on the cameraman for not zooming over to the right to get Moto’s face in the shot (“Somebody’s viewfinder’s off”). This goes on for 2.5 minutes and is our big “1950s match resthold”. Moto goes to the eyes but gets slugged back (and looks shocked and offended for it), then gets slammed, popping up instantly (WHAT IS THIS, AEW!? DID OSPREAY AND FLETCHER WATCH THIS SHIT?), then uses the full nelson (FINISHER STEALING! Called as such by Davis), but Atlas then flexes free again and pulls on the arm as the time ticks down, but Moto gets a Judo Flip and Atlas… flings him off at two! Then hits the Atlas Hold! But Moto’s in the ropes again and Time Expires at (20:00). Well I saw that one coming.

It’s funny- as heelish as Gorgeous George was, this match was almost more demonstrably like ’80s wrestling, what with the endless heel schtick of Moto’s repeated begging, cheating and more. Atlas of course gave him a lot of comeuppance to the delight of the fans (babyfaces are allowed to cheat if it’s turnabout- that’s a rule! Hulk Hogan did not invent that spot!). Atlas using raw strength and flexing to block not only submission holds but neck strikes is magnificent cartoony psychology, especially as they really lean into the slow flexes as he does it. Moto isn’t that charismatic a heel, though- he really only has one trick, and it’s “beg off, then cheat”. Which is OKAY (especially for 1950) but certainly not as interesting as George’s. Interestingly, this wasn’t AS racist as I was fearing it would be- aside from some “Mock Japanese” by Davis and the rice crack, the most racist thing was just the depiction of the foreigner as this sniveling, gutless coward who fought dishonorably and with sneak attacks- not that much worse than George’s contemporary stuff, for sure, but not uncommon in depictions of Asians at the time.

Rating: **1/4 (actually not the worst, and the heel schtick carries the day- they came close to bringing the moves at times, and used some decent offense in between the cartoon stuff)