WWF WrestleMania III (All Dream Matches!)

WWF WRESTLEMANIA III
(March 29th, 1987)
* Yeah, that’s right! Watching the Saturday Night’s Main Event hype show for this one actually made me want to watch it for real, and take a shot at reviewing an entire PPV! Just think: a review full of ACTUAL Dream Matches and not just ironic ones!

Other promoters have longed for the notion of a “Supercard”, but I think this one remains un-eclipsed. Despite the fact that a huge chunk of the card is throwaways, it pulls off four to five major angles in one show, gives the biggest main event in wrestling history, and sets the stage for the future!

This is the first major PPV I’ve covered here, and I figured I’d make it a bit different. Multiple people on the BOD have done recaps, so I was gonna skip that part (also my wordiness would make this 90,000 words if I tried as I blather on), so I figured I’d minimize the recaps a bit and go more into what the qualities of each match were, then talk about the angles before and after (edit: and I mostly succeed! Until the main matches, lol). The fallout of WrestleMania was huge, and I wanted to dig through Cagematch to see the matches each guy was involved in thereafter. I wanna go into the booking here, why parts of this work so incredibly well, and what happened as a result.

The Show: Sure enough, the directors understood the assignment, because we open with this HUGE shot of 78-93,000 people in the Pontiac Silverdome. Like, the floor seats are three squares long, then you go up to the first bowl, then the second HUGE bowl on top of that, and since it’s still light out, it’s all totally visible with this jam-packed crowd. This is them saying “LOOK AT THIS SHIT!”. Then Aretha Franklin does America The Beautiful as a huge flex (NWA at this point would put out some country dude, probably).

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse the Body! Bob Uecker & Mary Hart (from Entertainment Tonight, and a famous TV beauty at the time) are co-hosts. Jesse’s leather jacket with snakeskin and a do-rag is classic ’80s, never mind Gorilla’s red blazer with black pants combo, looking like your alcoholic grandpa. And this show features the amazing RING CARTS, sending guys to ringside in these itty-bitty ring-shaped carts (with the same colored ropes as WWF rings!) that help make this show look even more expensive and outlandish.

THE CAN-AM CONNECTION (Rick Martel & Tom Zenk) vs. “THE ACE” COWBOY BOB ORTON & THE MAGNIFICENT MURACO (w/ Mr. Fuji):
* Only Vince would think to use the Southern “Blowjob” combination of pretty boys and put in ACTUALLY handsome fellows with great physiques. No Ricky Mortons or wall-eyed Robert Gibsons here! Both dudes are in white trunks and get a solid high-pitched shriek from the crowd. I was very “WTF?” about this team watching the show because I’d NEVER heard of them until the 2000s, as Zenk was gone in a hurry. Both teams are already in the ring, oddly enough. This is a classic “hot opener” with a fading heel team (Muraco in blue, Orton in red).

The match is a pretty good opener, in that the heels just bounce around like total boobs as the Can-Ams whip them around and use their speed, put over by Monsoon & Ventura going on about the virtues of the heels’ in-ring capabilities beforehand. Muraco does a good job looking angered and flummoxed while Orton gets dazed and flops around. Orton has to cheat with a knee from the apron to turn the tide, but Martel & Orton clash for a double-down and we’re already into a hot tag. The faces whip the heels into each other, double-dropkicks abound, and Muraco whips Martel off the ropes and gets caught in a cross-body, tripped by Zenk for the pin at (5:37). No muss, no fuss, out in 6 minutes. The match itself was solid but VERY simple, built like a TV match, except with the babyfaces dominating the whole thing and the heat segment consisting of only two moves.

Rating: **1/4 (very simple, basic TV bout, but fast-paced and quality)

*So Zenk famously bailed out on the WWF when he figured out Martel (a former AWA Champion) was making more money than him, ironically throwing away way more money, and his career never recovered. Martel was repackaged in Strike Force with fading Tito Santana and they got a huge push to the Tag Titles. Orton made it to the end of the year as a JTTS before being fired “for causing a disturbance in a Calgary airport”, while Muraco made it to the end of 1988, turning babyface in the meantime (beating Orton for the back half of ’87) for lack of anything else to do.*

BILLY JACK HAYNES vs. HERCULES (w/ Bobby Heenan):
* Two guys with nearly identical roided physiques get into a feud based around Hercules daring jobbers to break his Full Nelson finisher. Haynes comes out for the challenge, but of course Hercules decks him after Heenan gets shoved and puts it on unfairly. In the Saturday Night’s Main Event just before this show, Herc won the Battle Royal when Heenan distracted Billy Jerk again. Haynes is in yellow tights, Hercules black. Hercules cuts a pre-match promo indicating that he is, in fact, the mythological Hercules, thousands of years old.

Both guys work REALLY hard here, clearly knowing how important this is, with Herc being a cheater and Haynes dodging him and hitting a press-slam. Every move is tight and thrown with a lot of authority, right down to the chops, and Herc wallops him with a clothesline to slow it down, where it stays the rest of the match. He pulls him up after a vertical suplex and keeps it slow until he tries the Full Nelson, unable to get his fingers locked, and Haynes holds his arm at “3” and fights up, and they clothesline one another. Haynes fights up and gets some slow clotheslines for a comeback, hitting a 2nd-rope fistdrop into his own Full Nelson, but Herc pulls him to the floor and they’re Counted Out at (7:44) when Haynes won’t release his hold- Heenan distracts Billy Jerk so Hercules can blast him with the chain, busting him open! A dazed Haynes is thrown into the Full Nelson and Herc walks away with a sick grin like a total asshole.

Naturally, This Feud Must Continue- not bad for a starting-out feud, and it’s wise to make this the second match- always show the fans that injustices can happen. This was overall a very hard-fought match at first, but slowed WAY down into the “Methodical WWF Heel Beatdown” style as they would probably get blown up in a hurry at the starting pace. Billy Jerk’s comeback was okay, reasonably slowed by the way he’d been beaten down earlier.

Rating: **1/4 (looked like it was gonna get really good, but slowed down a lot and was methodical for the last 3/4)

*Billy Jerk & Hercules continued their feud for months, wrestling in Chain Matches around the horn, then Haynes feuded with Paul Orndorff. Hercules spends the rest of the year feuding with Ken Patera, then taking losses from most of the babyfaces (Savage, Beefcake, Muraco even!). He’s protected on TV, though, and ends the year beating Hillbilly Jim & Junkyard Dog.*

Even the comedy matches have all-time finishes.

MIXED SIX-MAN TAG MATCH:
KING KONG BUNDY, LITTLE TOKYO & LORD LITTLEBROOK vs. HILLBILLY JIM, LITTLE BEAVER & THE HAITI KID:
* This is a famous one, leading to ANOTHER highlight. Bundy lost against Hulk Hogan at last year’s Mania, but he’s survived as an upper-midcarder, though he’s put against a Hogan Buddy, and sole survivor of the Hillbillies in this one. This is the definitive of a sideshow “throwaway”, which is fine on a megacard like this. Bundy threatens to squash a midget, a threat Hillbilly takes seriously, acting protective of his pals. The “Indian Chief” gimmick, Haiti in his little tux, Littlebrook with his eyepatch and Tokyo being a pint-sized Evil Foreigner make this look like the most “1980s Wrestling Circus” stuff possible.

We start off with comedy antics (I mean, duh), as a quick display of wrestling between Haiti & Tokyo has all the dwarfs in the ring (Littlebrook’s selling is AWFUL). The highlight is Bob Uecker’s commentary, suggesting he couldn’t beat these guys (“I don’t want my kneecaps rearranged”) and suggesting a girlfriend from 20 years before had Beaver’s haircut (which is a mohawk). Beaver pops Bundy one in the corner and keeps provoking him, but Hillbilly comes in for some awful stuff and a 3-man pile-on for two. Bundy works him over and Uecker’s “I think there’s a lot of beaver all OVER this place!” is probably there to crack Monsoon & Ventura, haha. And when Beaver tries to help again, Bundy hits a slam and a HUGE elbowdrop that completely destroys him hahahahahaha I love it! Only has himself to blame for that one! Fantastic heat from the crowd for that one, though you can see some people cheering. That’s a Disqualification at (3:25).

Bundy readies the BIG SPLASH of all things, but even the heel dwarfs run in to save Beaver, and Jim fights him off. Hillbilly looking upset while cradling Beaver’s dead body while an enraged Bundy is carted away is fantastic. All-time iconic finish even if the match is junk.

Rating: 1/4* (complete nothing bout with an awesome finish)

*Bundy seems to fight everyone in the WWF during 1987, never sticking to one thing, but the Hillbilly feud reignites in the summer and keeps going. He also wrestles Kamala a lot for some reason, then feuds with Bam Bam Bigelow & JYD. Jim is a JTTS for the rest of the year, losing to Dino Bravo, Killer Khan, Hercules and others.*

Macho Man, egotistical as hell, intrudes on Miss Elizabeth’s interview with Mary Hart to make it all about himself, cutting off his manager, as per usual.

Harley looked like a doofus in his pink cape and trunks, but they were high enough on him to give him the post-Mania Hogan feud!

KING OF THE WWF:
THE LOSER MUST BOW:
KING HARLEY RACE (w/ Bobby Heenan & The Fabulous Moolah) vs. THE JUNKYARD DOG:
* This stems from a match where JYD grabbed Race’s “King” apparel and put it on to shame him, before getting decked while pummeling Heenan, then the two trying to force him to bow in supplication. The loser here must bow to the winner. Classic undercard shit, especially with a fading JYD and Race on the backswing of his career, but still some stakes, you know? The backstage interview has Moolah cutting a stilted promo about how she intends to give “The King of wrestling” back his crown, sending Uecker into a fit of lust as he bails on commentary (“No wonder you guys are always here! I gotta get with Moolah!”). Haha, this guy. JYD’s in white tights and Race in purple trunks.

Race has the unfortunate issue of having a PPV match with the famously uncarryable JYD, but does okay by trying his headbutt off the apron and eating shit, then being flipped backwards over the ropes, then 360-ing to the floor like a madman. He tries a headbutt and ends up hurt, then Flair Flipps over the top and eats the all-fours headbutts and needs a distraction for his Belly-To-Belly… for the easy three at (4:22)! Such a quick match!

This was actually shockingly good for JYD, since they cut out everything but what Dog COULD do and just let Harley sacrifice his own personal health. But hey, he probably impressed Vince with that performance, judging by how he was moved into a feud with the World Champion immediately afterwards. JYD, nonplussed, is annoyed as this single move has beaten him and he’s recovered fast enough, but he does only a single quick bow (after a sarcastic curtsy) and just waffles Race with the “throne” (ie. a chair) and puts on the cape himself to send the fans away from the match happy. Heenan bailing like a coward with the crown the second he saw things going bad was great. Ventura calling out the cheapshot and asking why JYD can’t lose graciously is classic Jesse. Heenan, notably, has not lost either of the first two matches.

Rating: * (total one-man show from Race, who bounced around like a lunatic with big cartoon bumps while JYD did effectively nothing)

*Race is seemingly rewarded for this match with a Hulk Hogan feud on house shows (he went from Andre to HARLEY?), and he feuds with Jim Duggan until May, then is out injured until 1988, where he drops the crown to Haku. JYD spends the rest of the year feuding with Nikolai Volkoff, then doing various lower-card stuff (Ron Bass, Killer Khan) before jobbing to Hercules a lot.*

Hulk Hogan does an interview with Vince, and sets the stakes by talking about “hanging and banging” at the gym, where all the guys there were writing him off, saying “See you later, Hulkster- this is your last ride”. Hulk is defiant, saying “Sometimes you gotta live and die, and you gotta face the truth!”. “All I have to do is merely beat a 7’4″ 550 lb. Giant!” while Andre has to face the greater truth of training, saying prayers and eating vitamins- “And to BEAT ME, man- you gotta beat every Hulkamaniac- every little Hulkster in the world. Everyone who plays it straight! Everyone who doesn’t take shortcuts!” Hulkamania will get Andre because it’s the purest form of the truth there is. Maniacal, coked-up and confident while also putting over how everyone thinks he’ll lose. That’s how ya do it.

Dream Team II is formed here. They’re not around long.

THE ROUGEAU BROTHERS (Jacques & Raymond Rougeau) vs. THE DREAM TEAM (Greg “The Hammer” Valentine & Brutus Beefcake, w/ Luscious Johnny V & Dino Bravo):
* The Rougeaus are still babyfaces in powder-blue trunks, operating in the midcard. The Dream Team are set up to face them- former Tag Champions, they have Dino Bravo with them for heel reasons, and this is actually setting up later shit on this very card. Beefcake’s in yellow with tiger stripes and the Hammer’s in black with a VERY nice robe that Ventura marks out for.

The Rougeaus fight like the Can-Ams, blasting the heels with double-teams and athleticism, but Raymond eats shit off the ropes and Greg drops those great elbows and works the Figure-Four. This is largely window-dressing for Heenan to hit commentary and brag about being “two for two” for his guys (“Billy JERK did not beat my man!”). The match is fine, but generic and heatless, but Beefcake nails Valentine off the top by mistake and Greg takes The Bomb De La Rougeaus (one holding the heel for the other to whoopie-cushion him), but a brawl lets Bravo sneak in off the second rope and he nails Raymond and that’s the win at (4:03).

Another heel victory- four in a row! But importantly, Beefcake is OFFENDED by the cheating, pantomiming the axehandle so the fans can see it, and they bail on him. So this perfectly sets things up later, as Beefcake more or less turns babyface on the spot. And even sets up “Dream Team II” with Bravo swapped in as a partner so we get a refreshed heel squad on the midcard- they’re carted away and pelted with garbage. The match was basically a weaker version of the first one, with barely anything to it- it was just a means to an end, nothing more.

Rating: *1/2 (not actively bad and no botching but it was barely even a match)

*The Rougeaus actually continue their feud with the Dream Team, beating them in rematches for months, sometimes in six-mans with Beefcake and Johnny V on opposing sides. However, they start doing jobs to them by the summer, then to Demolition, then to the new Bolsheviks! Bravo went solo by year’s end, beating Hillbilly Jim a lot. Valentine was beating Koko B. Ware and feuding with Beefcake. Beefcake, meanwhile, was feuding with Adrian Adonis on house shows until he got fired, then did the Dream Team thing (largely beating Johnny V for months) and usually beat the midcard heels (Herc, Race, etc.).*

Notably, there have been four matches in a row with the heels either being dominant in the end or winning the match, leading to extra drama for…

One of the greatest all-time payoffs with this match.

HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH:
ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. THE ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* This is the culmination of the HUGE feud between Piper and Adonis. When Piper’s Pit was briefly down, Adonis took it over and rebranded it “The Flower Shop”, using effeminate heel mannerisms in a classic “Gay Gimmick” to incite homophobic reactions from the fans- his obesity just adding to it. Piper, offended and hateful, comes in and talks shit, getting badly beaten down and injured, his face painted with lipstick. Later, he comes in with a baseball bat and ANNIHILATES the Flower Shop set in a famous bit, and they continue pummeling one another on various shows over the months, Adrian using a perfume-spritzer to hurt Roddy’s eyes, and now only Hair vs. Hair will do. “THE WAR… HAS JUST BEGUN!” by Piper is why he’s one of the top ten ever guys on the mic. And Adonis carries out hedgeclippers- remember that.

They immediately light it up to start, getting into a frenzied brawl as Piper snuck a belt in his ass-crack to avoid the ref’s pat-down and whips a wailing Adonis all over the ring, then strangles Jimmy Hart for it as the fans go BANANA. 20 seconds in and they got ’em. But of course Piper’s assault backfires as Adonis nails him and whips him like a dog, only to Flair Flip over the corner! Double noggin-knocker for Adonis & Jimmy! Then Piper just WHIPS Hart, sunglasses wrapped around the front of his face, into Adonis and they both take a tumble over the top! Adrian subtly checks on Jimmy after the monster bump and now Piper launches him onto Adonis! But Jimmy trips him as we finally settle into the heat segment. Chest-scratching, a Popeye lariat and brawling has Piper lolling his head back and forth as Jesse points out that Jimmy has every right to interfere after Piper’s abuse. Piper’s defiant “COME ON!” is magnificent, firing up the fans even as he’s getting his ass kicked, and Jimmy sprays the perfume in his eyes and it’s Good Night Irene (sleeperhold)! Roddy fights, but goes down as Jimmy shakes the clippers around, but Adrian releases the hold in triumph… and Piper’s still alive! He keeps his hand raised after “2” and then BEEFCAKE hits the ring all of a sudden and wakes him up! Piper springs to life and nails Jimmy, then Adrian “hits himself” with the clippers as they “deflect” off the ropes (bad timing there, lol) and Piper puts him to sleep at (6:33) to pay off the feud!

The fans come TOTALLY UNGLUED to all of this and the entire hard cam is going nuts. And Beefcake gets himself a new gimmick by shaving Adonis’s blond locks while Piper just steps on a crying Jimmy. Piper even revels in it further, holding up a mirror for Adonis to see the after-effects (he screams “what the FUCK!?” and bounces around like a boob again) while Roddy just skips around in amusement and the heels leave in shame, trying to cover Adonis’s head. LOL then Piper kisses Finkel on the forehead goodbye and a fan gets so excited he runs into the ring- Piper rolls with it and shakes his hand before the goon squad beats him down, and we’re out.

So the brilliance here is that not only are the fans given a HUGE win in one of the big matches of the show, Piper going away triumphantly, but the celebration is transferred from him to Beefcake on the spot, who gets a new gimmick out of it (the hair-cutting “Barber”) and a shot as a midcard solo babyface. He was intended to be feuding with Adonis, but the Adorable one was quickly fired for reasons. The match itself is again short, but kept brutally simple- an insane, fan-pleasing start, followed by the heels cheating to take the lead (fair, since Piper cheated to start), a near-fall with Good Night Irene, and then the fans get what they want and the dastardly heel is humiliated.

Rating: ***1/4 (EXACTLY what the fans wanted to see, and a masterpiece of getting the most out of a short match)

*Adonis feuded with Beefcake briefly before being fired. Piper was legit gone for years.*

At this point, the arena’s dome goes up, darkening the area and making it look like a different kind of show.

TITO SANTANA & THE BRITISH BULLDOGS (Davey-Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid) vs. DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS & THE HART FOUNDATION (Bret “Hitman” Hart & Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart w/ Jimmy Hart)
* Another of the Big Four, this is the peak of a huge number of things going on, as the WWF did one of the most brilliant things possible by taking the fans’ disdain for referees and making a HEEL out of it, as wrestler Danny Davis was made a referee and went through a long series of controversial decisions favoring the heels. Yes, a HEEL REFEREE- Davis screwed Tito out of the Intercontinental Title, then the Bulldogs out of the Tag Titles by ignoring Hart Foundation cheating in their match, meaning that three of the people who want Davis dead the most are in one match and finally get a chance at sweet, bloody revenge. With his idiotic referee-striped outfit and smirk, Davis looks like a total asshole. Perfect heel. “Heel Referee” has been a gimmick in the past, but this is probably the peak of it, given it’s WrestleMania. Bret has said that everyone was just taking care not to hurt Dynamite’s bad back at this point.

Matilda goes right for Jimmy before the bell, and the Harts get whipped into each other, leaving everyone on the floor in a pile BEFORE the match even begins. The Harts get knocked around despite cheating freely while Mary Hart makes sure to point out she is NOT a relation of theirs. Bret Bump as Dynamite whups his ass, but Davis cheats to help out as Monsoon mentions Bret’s “Excellence of Execution” and how much he’s improved. Dyno eats Demolition Decapitation and then Danny Davis gets tagged in, boots him while he’s helpless, then immediately tags out with the hugest grin on his face while Neidhart pats him on the back to the most heat all evening. More beatings and he struts in and does it again, again with a self-impressed smirk on his face. You know what would be awesome? IF DANNY DAVIS WAS DEAD. But the Harts slingshot him into the ring and he lands on Dynamite’s knees! Tito gets the hot tag and beats seven shades of shit out of him to applause, Anvil having to save him from the figure-four and Davey-Boy murders him with a lariat. Great “I’m dead” flop-selling from Davis, who looks totally helpless, and Davey holds him up to milk the spot and BAM! The greatest Tombstone Piledriver ever, Davis hovering upside-down on the mat before flopping down. Davey crushes him with a delayed suplex & Running Powerslam, but Anvil runs in and it’s total pandemonium, with Davis (unexpectedly just getting up) waffling Davey-Boy with Jimmy’s megaphone and PINNING HIM for a huge miscarriage of justice at (8:52).

Total garbage ending, which of course was PERFECT. The crowd got everything they wanted to see, which was for Davis to be horribly torn apart (here via Tito’s brawling and Davey-Boy running through a series of huge power moves on his retching body), but he cheats to pull a totally unfair win out of his ass, so we want to see him get his AGAIN. We only get just enough. Tito, Bret & Davey in particular looked excellent- Tito had better fired-up babyface energy than anyone and Davey-Boy was rocking his showcase here. Davis did the best selling of his life, looking like a total anus getting his just desserts, but just popping up to nail Davey wasn’t the best- that shoulda been Bret or someone.

Rating: ***1/4 (another pretty short, simple match- Anvil was barely in there, Dyno did almost no offense and it was mostly Davis eating a beating, but since THAT WAS THE POINT it’s all good)

*Santana had a weird 1987, feuding with Butch Reed & Macho Man, largely ignoring Davis entirely, then forming Strike Force with Martel in August, and they’re Champions by October! They then feud with the Islanders. Before they lost the belts, the Harts mostly feuded with the Bulldogs and end the year with no real program, Bret jobbing in singles matches to Paul Roma & Jim Powers (lol). Davis’s credibility is short-lived, he’s put into a long feud with KOKO B. WARE of all people and beaten like a drum. By year’s end he’s the bottom heel in the pecking order and a “jobs in 3 minutes” guy. The Bulldogs feuded with the Harts, then Demolition for a bit, then the new Bolsheviks.*

With Mean Gene, Andre the Giant just stands unmoving while Bobby gets totally wound up, putting over how nervous he is for managing the future champion, declaring the match a done deal- “Hulkamania is DEAD!”.

“THE NATURAL” BUTCH REED (w/ The Doctor of Style, Slick) vs. KOKO B. WARE:
* The most minor match on the card, with midcarder Reed rising up his way, taking on the not-quite-established-as-loser Koko. Koko’s in white tights, Reed in blue trunks. Slick looks like a “big grasshopper” according to Monsoon- Ventura says he looks good, but Monsoon retorts “He doesn’t have 39 dollars worth of stuff on including his watch” “Naw, he’s ready for a night out in downtown Detroit!”. And Ventura sez the “B” stands for Buckwheat and he has a derby-wearing brother named “Stymie”. Koko is still pretty muscular here, but Butch is all pecs- huge dude.

This is a very basic, everyday Koko B. Ware match- he gets a fast start, Butch catches him with his head down to take over with some basic nonsense, Koko comes back with speed, then does a small package, only to get Butch rolling through on his crossbody and pinning him with a handful of tights at (3:39).

Slick takes to an angry Koko with his cane, but TITO comes out from the locker room and beats his ass, stripping him of his 39-dollar outfit while Ventura bemoans “that Latin temper of his”. Good revenge for Tito, and puts him over a bit after the last match, and the babyfaces double-dropkick Butch out of the ring. Just a basic cooldown match and reason to fight again, with a good bit of spot-calling from Butch (in the corner it’s really obvious). Interesting, as I’ve heard Vince had high hopes (“HAW HAW! HIS NAME IS THE NATURAL BUT HE’S BLACK WITH BLOND HAIR, PAL!”), but he got an unfair win here.

Rating: *1/2 (fine basic match, but it’d be disappointingly short even on TV- Butch didn’t do anything but club him and Koko only got some good dropkicks)

*Oddly enough, this is the end of their squabbles. Koko’s “JTTS” status hadn’t quite been set yet, as he was beating Ron Bass, Danny Davis and others on house shows all the time. Eventually he was putting over Rick Rude around the horn, though. Butch ends up feuding with Tito Santana and then a newly-babyface Macho Man, then Superstar Billy Graham and putting him out to pasture.*

Wrestling might never have looked prettier than in this match.

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
“MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. RICKY “THE DRAGON” STEAMBOAT (w/ George “The Animal” Steele):
* You might have heard of this one before! Late 1986 saw the IC Champion brutally injure Steamboat by “crushing his throat” with the ringbell, setting off an all-time injury angle as Steamboat sells his ass off. Savage has just previously assaulted George Steele on a number of occasions, recently winning a match by count-out for Elizabeth’s managerial services. So a lot of dudes have a bone to pick with the Macho Man, who’s controlling nature over the lovely Elizabeth keeps him a heel no matter HOW good his in-ring is. Though the fans give him a good reaction here, just after he shouts “History BECKONS the Macho Man, yeah!”. Steamboat’s promo isn’t that great- just a lot of angry faces. Macho’s in pink & Steamboat’s in white.

So what follows here is an absolutely famous clash of two guys who memorized an entire match script over the course of their house shows against each other, throwing out what didn’t work and keeping what did, deciding to have the best match of all time. And you can immediately see the difference, as both guys are smooth as silk and everything looks PERFECT. Savage eats armdrags and bails, nails Steamboat on the way in, but rams the corner as Monsoon gives Savage his flowers over “not being a paper champion” and taking on all comers for 14 months. Savage fights dirty and goes to the throat once he gets an opening (Ventura points out to Monsoon why you don’t just go for that right away- you have to create an opening first), but Steamboat keeps getting fired up, going for the hair and beating Savage in Andre Position- the precision offense and rapid reversals have poor Dave Hebner getting blown up as he has to dive to the mat every five seconds, haha. Steamboat takes a monster of a knee, and when he does his skin the cat spot, Savage is ready for him and he’s clotheslined back over. Steamboat flies over the ringside table and knocks over some fan’s drink as this just looks chaotic, and Steamboat is helped by the Animal (Jesse freaks, calling out Monsoon’s hypocrisy for ignoring this when he hates heels doing it).

Things get worse as Steamboat flies over the top and now it’s the axehandle to the floor! A regular one in the ring has Ricky wobbling and a fantastic running elbow gets two, Steamboat gets necked and the speed is just incredible, and Savage goes for a pin off of everything. Steamboat FINALLY gets a comeback with Randy taking a mother of a backdrop to the floor and Steamboat gets his Flying Chop- foot on the ropes! Steamboat goes for every chop and rollup imaginable, doing everything he can to win, and slingshots Savage into the post and rolls him back twice and they start reversing stuff, but Steamboat goes into the post and then into Hebner, who takes an A-tier ref bump, whipping off the corner and spinning onto his back. Steamboat gets clotheslined and Savage hits the Flying Elbow! Interesting to give the HEEL the “visual pinfall” and there’s no way Ricky was kicking out of that. And so, in the famous ending, Macho sees his chance to put the Dragon out for good and goes for the RING BELL again, which is paid off when Steele gets involved, trying to take it, then throwing Savage off the top rope! Turnabout cheating! And Savage, his back hurt, goes for a bodyslam and Steamboat reverses in a leverage move (14:35)! Finkel: “Your winner… and NEWWWWWWWWW Intercontinental Champion- Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat!”

The precision here was incredible and has probably never been equaled- not a single move was out of place or out of position- it was just seamlessly moving from spot to spot. No resting, no double-downs, no anything- just nonstop action and guys desperately trying to pin one another. Though oftentimes you could say it was TOO smooth, in that moves look more like they’re actually being done in say, Flair/Steamboat where here they’re just so fluid it seems more choreographed. Savage going for the pin off of everything from an atomic drop to a running elbow, then Steamboat doing the same and spamming rollups trying for the belt was excellent. They threw hands just enough to put over the blood feud, but the wrestling was the key. That it was so planned-ahead doesn’t really affect the rating, as I’ve no idea how often other matches are planned (Flair’s “Call it in the ring” is not at ALL how most people do it) and all I care about is the end result. Hard to complain about the finish, too- it’s not “clean” but it pays off two stories, as Savage goes for his dastardly cheating (as is his character) and Steele counters the cheating with some of his own, paying off that feud. And for years and years, it was considered the best match by WWF fans, and still holds up. I can’t QUITE go ***** on it, for… am I just being difficult? Haha I dunno, but I just can’t go for the perfect match. It’s amazing but I’ve seen matches with more hate and better psychology.

Rating: ****3/4 (one of the best matches ever for this style of wrestling)

*Ricky describes the backstage reaction to this match as seeing a jealous Hogan eyeing him up and knowing he was in trouble. Worse trouble was when he asked VINCE MCMAHON for a month off immediately after winning the gold, hoping to spend time with his family. I can only imagine how that went over. He & Savage feuded for MONTHS afterwards, wrestling in regular and Steel Cage matches in revenge bouts. But eventually Honky Tonk Man gets his infamous IC Title win and Savage now defeats Steamboat on house shows while Steamboat fails to take the IC Title back in a Honky Tonk feud. Savage’s career, uh, goes much better- after the Steamboat thing, he is moved to a feud with Hulk Hogan himself, then actually TURNS BABYFACE, feuding with Butch Reed & Honky Tonk.*

Honky absolutely DESTROYS Jake with a guitar shot here, setting off a huge feud. Jake said it got him hooked on painkillers to try and excuse his addictions.

JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS (w/ Alice Cooper) vs. THE HONKY TONK MAN (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* This is another blood feud, made after Honky Tonk absolutely fucking blasted Jake with a real guitar on the set of the Snake Pit, and he has rock star Alice Cooper with him. Hilariously, Alice looks even skinnier and wimpier than Jimmy Hart does. Jake’s in black tights & Honky’s in powder-blue.

Jake jumps Honky before the bell and beats his ass, stripping him of his Elvis gear. The match is pretty simple- Jake beats on Honky, Honky gets his knee up to come back but eats the short-arm clothesline, but bails to avoid the DDT and takes advantage of Jake focusing on Jimmy. Honky does a LONG beatdown, but Jake avoids Shake Rattle & Roll (swinging neckbreaker) and finally gets a comeback after doing his “omg I’m dying” flail-punching selling, but Jimmy grabs his leg during the DDT attempt and Honky schoolboys him and grabs the ropes for leverage, getting three (7:04) in what I’m sure was a shock finish at the time. Honky totally steals one! And there’d soon be more of THAT.

Jake swings the guitar at a million miles an hour and nearly decapitates Honky with it (he DESPERATELY ducks to get out of the way and bails- Jake was probably giving him a receipt there, haha), then it’s JIMMY vs. ALICE in the ring, but Jake grabs the manager and they torture him with Damien- even here, the fans get sent home happy. The match was just filler, feeling almost like a piss-break match, but then neither guy was exactly good at offense and they were asked to carry a lot of it (probably to keep Jake from jobbing in minutes). Ventura mourns the lack of Hart/Cooper, pointing out that Jimmy’s arms are actually bigger.

Rating: * (just a too-long match featuring Honky’s awful offense and Jake’s wobbly selling)

*Honky Tonk has an AMAZING 1987, segueing from this to becoming Intercontinental Champion, defeating Ricky Steamboat and retaining in a revenge feud, then beating guys like Muraco, Hillbilly Jim, JYD and more, then retaining against Savage, Tito, Jake and others by DQs and the like. Jake oddly spends most of the year fighting jobbers and random heels, the Honky feud mostly being on house shows and tag matches.*

THE KILLER BEES (Jumping Jim Brunzell & B. Brian Blair) vs. THE IRON SHEIK & NIKOLAI VOLKOFF (w/ The Doctor of Style, Slick):
* Nikolai does his A-tier gimmick of singing the Russian national anthem (the kicker is always asking the face to “please rise” and respect it, asking just a bridge too far), but Hacksaw Jim Duggan hits the ring with his 2×4 and announces, without a shred of irony, “Do not sing that Russian national anthem, because this is the land of the free, and the HOME OF THE BRAVE!” to riotous applause. This is the Piss Break match of Piss Break Matches- the Sheik is a “job in 3 minutes” guy and the Bees are the lamest of the company’s tag teams.

The heels jump the Bees before the bell as I note that the ring is absolutely littered with garbage and they’re still wrestling- the ref isn’t bothering to remove it, which is dangerous. The Bees quickly take the lead (actually countering a HEEL do-si-do spot), but Volkoff runs in to take the lead. Brunzell does his best selling in a bearhug and they slowly work him over, Blair getting a tag the ref doesn’t see, and fans continue to throw trash as this is getting unruly (maybe this piss-break match is JUST THAT LAME and they want the main already), and the Iron Sheik puts on the Camel Clutch as Duggan chases Volkoff into the ring… and looks to the fans for assurance before clobbering Sheik with the 2×4. Heels win in a lame one by Disqualification (5:44). Who would have ever guessed the people of Detroit would be rowdy and uncouth?

Rating: *1/4 (just dreadful- the heels are slow and clumsy and the faces barely got to do anything)

*The heel team is almost immediately split up after WrestleMania- The Sheik is beaten like a drum by Hacksaw throughout the year, and he is fired in October. Nikolai is JTTS-tier, jobbing to Koko & Paul Orndorff until he starts beating Hillbilly Jim, and forms the low-tier Bolsheviks with Boris Zhukov in November. The Bees were also jobbers, losing to Demolition for four solid months, then beat jobbers, then jobbed to the Islanders at the end of the year.*

The contract signing is one of the best hype jobs- Hulk Hogan just staring daggers at Andre while Heenan cuts this promo on him. Then Hogan goes absolutely crazy, acting at 11/10 like a total dork, working himself up into a lather while Andre just smirks at him with total disrespect the entire time, not giving Hogan the dignity of a response. Then he gets up and speaks French- Hogan bursts out “SPEAK TO ME IN ENGLISH!” and talks about how the contract isn’t signed in ink- “It’s signed in BLOOD!” and Andre just says “You want me to speak English. I will speak in the ring at WrestleMania. Au revoir” and waves him off dismissively.

WWF WORLD TITLE:
HULK HOGAN vs. ANDRE THE GIANT (w/ Bobby Heenan):
* And now, the biggest match in the history of wrestling- Andre the Giant, eternal babyface, 7’4″ 550 lbs., 15 years undefeated and never been slammed, gets jealous of Hulk Hogan’s accolades, suddenly accuses his friend of ducking him, and listens to Bobby Heenan and calls Hogan out for the mother of all main events. Of course most of those things weren’t true, which Dave Meltzer always harped on (wrestling, a business of grift, lies about attendance, heights, weights, real names, and more. But win/loss records and number of bodyslams taken? UNACCEPTABLE!), but that’s the WWF marketing machine at work. Most of their fans were new to wrestling once the Hogan Era started anyways, so what matters is the hype. And this succeeds in spades as being “The Biggest Star in the World vs. The Biggest Wrestler in the World”.

They show the video of their friendship, various alliances, then Andre responding to Hogan’s big trophy and just walking away, then challenging his friend. The Piper’s Pit segment with Andre, Heenan, Ventura, Piper & Hogan has gotta go down as a textbook way to sell a huge PPV- Hogan pleading and having his crucifix torn off, Piper going “… you’re bleeding” in shock, etc. Then a battle royal on SNME gives the fans only the merest taste of the contest, Andre taking one punch before Hogan is merked by Heenan’s goons, then headbutts Hogan out of the ring with contempt while smashing Lanny Poffo’s face apart with a headbutt in the same match. Let the NWA have their “Ric Flair against the local hero” matches… this is GODS fighting, and it looks the part.

Mary Hart comes down as guest timekeeper and Jesse pops Gorilla with “look at that old Jack Lanza- you know HE’S trying to get close down there”. Mary tests the turnbuckle pads like a dork while the crowd wolf-whistles at her. Bob Uecker is guest announcer. Andre and Bobby come to ringside, Andre waving to the crowd as he’s absolutely PELTED with garbage.

And of course both guys milk the moment as much as possible, doing the famous and iconic staredown. Andre shoves Hogan and they do a slugfest, but Hogan tries to slam the Giant early and they do a slow, safe landing into a near-fall, Hogan selling agony and Andre & Heenan thinking it was three (thus setting up a rematch later). The fans keep chucking garbage, Joey Marella doing a good job of keeping on shuffling it out, and Andre slowly works the injured back and easily slams Hogan, who howls in pain. Andre: “Get up!”. See, the methodical pace is kind of fitting here, as Hogan did all this damage to himself and now Andre is joyfully taking him apart- the fans either got it out of their system or they’re sufficiently into this to quit pelting them. Andre slams Hulk again and steps on his back, then whips him to each corner, then grinds him into one. The Poffo-slayer nails him in the forehead, but Andre misses another and is staggered! Hogan throws as many shots as he can manage, hitting the Axe Bomber running elbow and chops away, but runs into a boot and is halted again. Wait, is this match KICKING ASS?

The infamously long bearhug spot is next- Hogan appeals to the fans, but fades at the 2:00 mark and Joey drops his arm thrice, walking away to make it official before stalling and seeing Hogan’s arm frozen at the halfway point of the drop as we cue the comeback- he makes the COCAINE EYES and starts battering Andre until he lets go, ramming him twice but charging into a chop and he’s down AGAIN. Andre boots him to the floor and continues the slaughter, but makes a cardinal mistake and headbutts the POST (ie. his hand, which is caught in close-up), having twice stunned himself as the only way for Hogan to come back- 6’8″ and 300 lbs. and he has to use evasive tactics and get Andre to punch himself out because his own moves ain’t doing shit. Hogan pulls up the mats, somehow thinking he can PILEDRIVE the Giant, but gets backdropped and he’s doomed again. Except that was the wimpiest bump ever. But back in the ring, Hogan dodges a boot and wipes out Andre with a clothesline and it’s time for the HULK UP, and in the most famous finish in the history of wrestling, he picks up Andre for the epic body slam (Jesse: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT!”), then drops the leg for the three at (12:01)! The entire crowd is standing as they totally lose it, with the epic clash finally over. Hogan celebrates and poses for several minutes and the PPV is out, Heenan & Andre getting carted out amidst a sea of trash.

This match gets a lot of DUD ratings and such, with Meltzer in particular hating it and legions of match reviewers following his lead, but it’s definitely not as bad as all that, and actually makes pretty good use of Andre. He’s limited, sure, but you can 100% believe he measures his opponent and is in no hurry, stays consistently on the back. Honestly, the match was kind of KICKING ASS in various parts, the crowd loving it and Andre beating the hell out of the fans’ hero, and Hogan making sure to sell his ass off (his blond eyebrows are actually very good at selling his “furrowed brow” reactions). Like, Andre came off as menacing and methodical rather than lazy until the bearhug spot hits, and that one’s central to the match, as it shows Hogan fire himself up but get brought low again.

And there was even PSYCHOLOGY!- All Hogan’s comebacks are from Andre headbutting something instead of anything Hogan DOES, and every time he tries to get on offense eventually Andre just grabs him and mauls him again… and then at the very end, Hogan hits a monster clothesline to fell the Giant (Jesse putting it over by saying he’s never seen anyone topple the Giant like that). And from there it’s the slam & Legdrop and the impossible has happened.

Rating: *** (hahahaha THAT’S RIGHT! It’s GOOD! It’s 100% the epic clash it’s supposed to be, disguises most of Andre’s weaknesses, actually uses psychology and build properly, and gives the fans the ultimate payoff)

*Andre’s back injury was legit, and he rarely wrestled- they didn’t even do a “revenge tour”! He wrestles in only a pair of tag matches until Survivor Series in November, beating Bam Bam Bigelow in the end to be sole survivor, then doing a couple more tag team matches against Hogan & Bigelow. Hogan instead feuds with Harley Race for months, also doing house shows & dark matches as champion. I’ve heard that there were post-WM doldrums, largely owing to Hogan defeating the biggest Monster Heel of all time and thus the fans didn’t buy him losing to ANYBODY, and I can believe it- who goes from Andre the Giant to a feud with pregnant Harley Race?*

So thus ends one of the biggest shows ever, and one that’s still spoken of as the most legendary card ever by many- certainly the biggest main event ever. It keeps the very large card short, as most matches are done in six minutes, which is about as much time as most of them needed. WrestleManias are usually pretty good about just throwing guys out there and doing the minimum unless it’s a big match, and you can see the festivities being bigger (the main is second-longest, and only two minutes shorter than the IC match). The assignment here of course was to send the fans home happy, and HOLY CRAP- a new babyface IC Champion as Randy Savage finally gets his, Harley Race humiliated, the Can-Ams on the road to stardom (hee), Roddy Piper retiring in triumph and leaving Adonis shorn, a new midcard babyface in Brutus Beefcake, and of course Hulk Hogan wins the mother of all main events against the most unstoppable foe ever.

Importantly, the match wasn’t just a babyface victory parade, but neither was it a curbstomp for the heels. In fact, the heels won the majority of matches- Danny Davis squeaked by with an unfair win, Butch Reed, Honky Tonk and the Dream Team cheated, King Kong Bundy & Hercules got the last laugh after their bouts, and more. We had four straight “heels standing tall” endings until Piper/Adonis, but of course that one was the ultimate “send ’em home happy” ending, and then both the IC and World Title matches ended in rousing babyface victories. So the fans got their money’s worth and THEN some, but we had just enough heels left credible for later. Several feuds like Herc/Haynes, Butch/Koko, Davis/Everyone and more will continue forth, Adonis’s feud with Piper is now transferred to new babyface Beefcake, and more. Notably, three of the babyfaces who lose (Koko, Jake & JYD) still get to stand tall at the ends of their matches, too.