Anatomy of a Disaster: The Undertaker vs. The Underfaker

ANATOMY OF A DISASTER: THE UNDERTAKER vs. THE UNDERTAKER:
-It’s time for another Anatomy of a Disaster! The infamous battle of the Undertakers, where they have one of the worst matches in WWF history… and at SUMMERSLAM of all things!

THE STAGE: WWF SummerSlam 1994

THE PERFORMERS:
The Undertaker: The Undertaker had been a big deal since his debut in the WWF (introduced by Ted DiBiase, who then immediatley stepped aside, as Taker was managed first by Brother Love, and then Paul Bearer), becoming World Champion within a year (for a week), and had been pushed strongly ever since. However, in early 1994, he was defeated by Yokozuna at the Royal Rumble in a Casket Match when a dozen other heels attacked him, and then “lightning” struck the casket, Taker appeared on the viewscreen shot from above while lying in the casket, then floated above the screen and into the heavens or something. This was done to give Taker some time off. Various “interviews” were filmed of people across the United States swearing they’d seen the Undertaker popping up here and there, almost like a cryptid, leading to a big mystery as to where he was. And then…

“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase: Ted, having retired the previous year, was now the manager of the Million Dollar Corporation, a lame-duck stable of lower and mid-tier heels. Having brought Taker to the WWF, he proclaimed to fans that HE had found the Undertaker, and that he was working for DiBiase. And instead of Paul Bearer’s urn, the Undertaker now followed money- Ted frequently waving bills in his face and controlling “his” Taker.

The “Undertaker”: Ted’s Undertaker was, of course, indie wrestler Brian Lee- a very tall guy who I’ve heard was close with Taker in real life. He was billed as the real thing by Ted and the announcers were confused and said it was probably him- plenty of modern-day reviewers watch this and laugh at the absurdity as it was CLEARLY a different man and shouldn’t have fooled anybody… which of course shames me because as a 13-year old kid watching this I had no idea, haha. SHUT UP, I’M NOT GOOD WITH FACES AND IT’D BEEN A WHILE SINCE HE WAS ON TV!

Lee was one of those guys who just never became anything despite having, on the surface, a lot of traits bookers liked- he was big, tall, muscular and had great hair, plus had friends in the business willing to put him over. Unfortunately he sucked at everything else, like working and having a personality. He was big in Smoky Mountain Wrestling for 1992-95, and wrestled in ECW after this for a year, then joined the WWF again as Chainz in the Disciples of the Apocalypse… though was again only around for a year and got cut loose (while the HARRIS TWINS of all people were kept on TV).

-So the angle here is that Ted has this “Undertaker” who seems to be the real guy, but then Paul Bearer, the real Taker’s manager, comes out and sees this dude and declares him an imposter. Leslie Nielson gets involved as a detective, parodying his Naked Gun character in some very unfunny sketches. Bearer “makes contact” with the real thing and they decide to headline SummerSlam 1994 with The Undertaker vs. The Undertaker. This bewildered the commentators and everyone acted like they weren’t sure what was gonna happen (which I assume cost them a TON of buys, as fans were left unclear over what exactly they were going to get). The co-headlining match was a Steel Cage Match between Bret & Owen Hart for the WWF World Title.

THE UNDERTAKER (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. THE UNDERTAKER (w/ Ted DiBiase):
* They play it long to start, with Ted coming out alone and then announcing his Undertaker, which Jerry Lawler suggests is the real thing (“Now WHO does Paul Bearer have with him? Huh, McMahon?!” “That right there- is THE Undertaker”). Vince promises it to be a “one of a kind match-up” (which, thank Christ, proved to be true). It’s interesting watching Brian Lee play this role, as body language alone makes it clear he’s not the original guy, as he’s a much stumblier walker. Never mind he has a way puffier face. At least his stringy hair’s carefully placed in front of it to obscure things. Bearer comes down shrieking, along with some druids pushing the casket where the Undertaker was laid to rest at the Rumble… but opens it and brings out a simply MASSIVE urn, playing to the cheap seats with some hilarious “barely able to contain the power” acting lightshow as the lights go out and a light shines out from within the urn.

And then the real Undertaker shows up, altering the look to now have PURPLE instead of grey for the boots, gloves, tie, and brim of the hat. DiBiase sells this with a slack-jawed look of “… whaaaaa…”- pretty good acting job of being stunned. Vince declares it to be “like looking in a mirruh” but indeed the PurpleTaker is noticeably taller (and doesn’t have some ugly monster-guy tat on his forearm), and Vince declares him the real one immediately.

The two Takers face off, but Undertaker uses his “throat-slit” gesture, causing Faker to throw a punch that gets blocked. They do a “mirror match” dual punch into an international but Faker runs into a boot and gets throat-chopped to the floor. Faker stalks after Bearer, but Undertaker does a super-dramatic grab of his hair to drag him back into the ring via a pretty bad suplex (Lee doesn’t jump high enough and can’t clear vertically). Lee does the sit-up and my GOD are the fans quiet for this. Like, they were pretty excited for the real thing’s reveal but now they’re just sitting on their hands and not reacting. Undertaker boots him and one-arms him over the top and beats him up outside, but Faker stunners him from the apron and throws some shots to utter silence. Lawler declares Faker the “REAL Undertaker” as he climbs to the top for the ropewalk attempt, but Undertaker launches him off the top. Faker sits up again, but Undertaker immediately pounces and hits the ropewalk forearm like it’s nothing, again to silence.

Faker doesn’t really sell it that much, and they do another rope-run, this time with Faker hitting the world’s worst stungun, pretty much throwing himself into the ropes and Undertaker hitting his tummy on the top rope. Vince drops the “they’re in AWE!” lie all commentators like to give when the fans aren’t reacting for shit as the two Takers throw shots at each other, Faker winning with two clotheslines, but missing a dramatic elbow and Undertaker… goes over the top when Faker ducks. “You can hear the virtual silence of this capacity crowd- they are STUNNED!”- sure Vince. Faker slowwwwlllly throws strikes, but his facade breaks and he gestures to DiBiase with this “He’s not being HURT, boss!” look. Undertaker throws a single shot and whips him off the ropes, but Faker ducks him and nails a big chokeslam, gesturing for him to “get up”, and when the real thing obliges, clumsily picks him up for the Tombstone. Faker just keeps standing there and gestures to Ted again, and when he finally reaches down for the pin, the Undertaker sits up for the only reaction all match. Faker hauls him upside-down for another one, but Undertaker reverses to his own, then another, then a third Tombstone, and finally puts this match out of its misery at (9:09). The fake is rolled into the casket and the druids take him away as we’re out- the real deal worships the giant urn, the only real Undertaker left.

Just dreadful. An absolutely dead crowd for the entire match, watching a slog as two very slow, methodical wrestlers do a slow, methodical match, showing nary an emotion between them. You had DiBiase controlling his evil fake with money, but… he’s not a factor in the entire match? He doesn’t wave money at him or anything- a big deal was him sticking cash in his monster’s face to control him, but here not only do we not see that, but Ted doesn’t do anything at all but react. I’d have at least had him try the cash trick with the real thing and have it knocked out of his hand or SOMETHING. Pay off the story! Never mind how you had two managers out there and neither got involved at all. Faker should have actually attacked Bearer! Anything!

So a big issue with this match, aside from Brian Lee generally sucking pond water, is that the Undertaker gimmick works because he’s this unemotive, never-ending source of destruction- an implacable foe who stalks his foe and slowly tears them apart. A lack of emotion is his entire THING- it allows the other guy to act afraid, annoyed, surprised, or worried. But having TWO dudes like that… it just doesn’t work. You can’t have both guys not reacting emotionally to anything in the match, because then it’s just two robots fighting by rote. There’s nothing to get behind and nobody to get excited for. Foundationally it just doesn’t work. They’d actually fix this years later when Kane debuted- using the same offense and the same “rises from the mat like a zombie” selling, Kane came off like a vicious monster, full of fury, and the Undertaker wisely sold it like he was worried, as well as concerned for his brother. It wasn’t just two unemotional dudes going through the motions.

But yeah, even if the main idea worked, Brian Lee was horrible. He couldn’t do the Undertaker mannerisms right to sell the “Mirror Match” quality of it, nor could he actually hit any of his moves right- his tombstone had me terrified for Undertaker’s life and he did stuff like that terrible stun-gun or failing to pull down the top rope all the way so Taker kind of tumbles over it badly. And he does only the briefest of things where he “breaks” and gets angry over his opponent refusing to die- they should have milked that a bit or played him actually being afraid or backing down.

Rating: DUD (a horrible slog with an anticlimactic ending)

Kayfabe, guys! Kayfabe!

The Fallout: So I think everyone watching was aware this was a complete disaster- Vince tried to make shit up on commentary but even HE didn’t believe it, and the storyline was dropped at this moment and was never really brought up again. I’m honestly not sure if they even made reference to it once. The story goes that there was supposed to be a “Taker vs. Taker” feud ongoing, but instead Brian Lee was dumped back to SMW, then ECW before showing up as “Chainz” in 1997. This match thus has no impact beyond being a historical curiosity- not great considering it was the main event of a major Pay-Per-View. The match is held up as an all-time bad one.

Mitigating Factors: Now… COULD the match have been good? No, probably not. Even if Lee had been better at mimicking Taker moves and mannerisms, you can’t have TWO guys be super-slow and ultra-unemotional all match long. It just robs the thing of any dynamism. DiBiase couldn’t really take a lot of bumps (if any) so he couldn’t help out, either. Note that they never tried THIS again.

Overall: This is an all-timer in the “Crap Matches” category- one of the most heatless big matches ever, and most of those weren’t the Main Event of a major PPV. This is a match so bad it ended a gimmick forever, and the feud was practically wiped from history. It’s fascinatingly bad- a match so devoid of heat that you can hear the classic “random dude shouting” stuff- Vince trying to blow it off as the fans being “in awe” when everyone is just sitting on their hands. The only good thing from the match is that Brian Lee showed that Mark Calaway DID have real talent- after all, if he didn’t, then why is his Undertaker so much better than the other one?