Pro Wrestling NOAH – Monday Magic, October 9th, 2023

Howdy!

Blame Talbot for this one, he tagged me. Let’s go.

So, from what I could gather about this particular slice of heaven, Pro Wrestling NOAH decided to run a twice-monthly version of Monday Night Raw. For those that know me here, you know I love me some Puro and I’m primarily a New Japan guy, but I normally quite enjoy NOAH when I watch it and this seemed like a fun time.

Also, this episode is free! But you should subscribe to Wrestle Universe (NOAH’s subscription service, along with some other Japanese companies) for at least one month so you can watch the Katsuhiko Nakajima/Kento Miyahara match. The one from this year. Because it’s the Match of the Year. It is. I promise you, nothing between now and the 31st of December is going to change that.

Anyway, let’s get this started and see what transpires.

Pro Wrestling NOAH – Monday Night Magic 10/09/23

Our ring announcer introduces NOSAWA Rongai to kick things off. Joy. The bookerman who furthered the geriatrics-only GHC Championship reigns hits the ring with a briefcase in tow. With the dyed-blonde hair and the road map of scar tissue on his forehead, I’m struck by two questions:

1. How in the world did this man land Io Shirai for any given amount of time?
   AND
2. Does anyone know if Dusty Rhodes was touring Japan in early 1976? Because this man looks more like a son to Dusty than any of his actual sons. Even Cody doesn’t have the commitment to self-mutilation that the Picasso on this man’s forehead shows.

Anyway, he’s not here to answer those questions – he’s here to show us a belt! More specifically, he’s here to show us the GHC Hardcore Championship! Brief history lesson here for those new to the class. The Hardcore title has been dormant since 2009, when the last champion, Kenta Kobashi, was injured and it just kind of faded away. This isn’t hardcore in the traditional sense – rather, it’s an openweight belt with an added stipulation that if the challenger is smaller than the champion and lasts 15 minutes without being beaten, the challenger wins the title. It was formerly an exclusive title to NOAH wrestlers, but NOSAWA announces a rules change wherein anyone can challenge for the strap.

But that’s enough of that, as we hit the music of KENOH! KENOH’s music is a lowkey banger, by the way. NOSAWA books it as the top star in NOAH hits the ring to the crowd chanting his name. It turns out, shockingly, that KENOH is quite angry about…..well, all the things. KENOH is always angry. Or at least he comes across that way. But he’s short and to the point, he wants the main event tonight, it seems. And so it shall be.

Ninja Mack vs Terry Yaki

Blink and you’ll likely miss this one. Ninja Mack is for those who think that Ricochet is just too slow for their tastes. Crowd chants ‘Terry Yaki!’ for Terry and I. Get. It. Very subtle. We do a few lockups before we’re reminded that we’re not here to see them grapple and the flipping gymnastics sequences begin.

And from there, it’s kicks and flips and spots, really. Mack actually holds these types of matches together okay, but it’s all flash and zero substance. They trade off a bit and Mack hits the Phoenix 630 for the pin. (Ninja Mack over Terry Yaki, pinfall, 5:30)

THOUGHTS: **. Indyriffic. I’m not Mack’s biggest fan, though, so I’m biased.

Post-match, Ninja wants a mic as the crowd chants for Ninja! He says it’s time to get serious and inserts himself into the match to crown the GHC Hardcore champion! And then he does flips!

Now that I think about it, if Mack would have come around in about 2002-03 ROH, he would have been at home. Just flipping all over the place against Low-Ki and Austin Aries before getting mauled by Samoa Joe.

Kai Fujimura/Manabu Soya/Masa Kitamiya vs GO Shiozaki/Junta Miyawaki/Kazuyuki Fujita

Yay, GO! I just recently started watching more NOAH again because he came back. Shiozaki is basically my favorite babyface in wrestling. I’m not exactly thrilled to see Fujita back in town, so to speak, as my last memory of seeing him was watching him no-sell almost everything Katsuhiko Nakajima did en route to ending Naka’s GHC title reign.

Fujita brings refreshments and the babyfaces drink up before we begin. I think it was an energy drink or something. Might have been that boner juice that Frank Thomas pushes. GO and Kitamiya kick us off and they do a fun bit before Soya comes in, which encourages Fujita to then want a piece.

Soya gets caught in the corner for a beatdown, but escapes and now the youngsters are in there. That quickly goes south for Junta, who is your face-in-peril, as Soya no-sells everything and slams him. In a fun little bit, whenever Kai is in there he keeps taking cheap shots at Fujita on the apron like a little shit and then hides behind the ref. I approve.

Kitamiya with a camel clutch and now Shiozaki and Fujita just come into the ring to break it up, which…..whatever. And then it doesn’t matter as they leave and Junta makes the hot tag to Fujita ten seconds later. Fujita puts Kitamiya in a Boston Crab. Junta tries to break it up, but Fujita ignores everything he does and dumps him like garbage outside. He’s such a dick. And to further prove my point, Soya hits a Death Valley Driver on him and he pops up like it was nothing. And yeah, they do that all the time in Japan, but I hate Fujita so fuck him.

Soya hits him with a lariat that Fujita at least deigns to fall down for and tag out, as we’re back to Kai and Junta. They do some nice stuff, I’ve been enjoying their work in this one, as Kai hits 3 Amigos for 2 before it’s breaking loose on Monday Night Magic! Everyone pairs off on the outside with the focus on Kai and Junta in the ring, where Junta finally puts it away with a Falcon Arrow. (GO Shiozaki/Junta Miyawaki/Kazuyuki Fujita over Kai Fujimura/Manabu Soya/Masa Kitamiya, pinfall, 14:20)

THOUGHTS: **3/4. I liked the end of this a bunch, it was a good 6-man tag that they could do in their sleep. Focus on the younger guys was good as they got the chance to finish the bout. Nice stuff, a bit longer than I would have liked.

On the next Monday Magic – The Great Muta! I swear, if he comes out of retirement already…..

Good Looking Guys (Anthony Greene/Jake Lee) vs LJ Cleary/Ryohei Oiwa

Oiwa, as most NOAH fans know, is the Young Lion on excursion that New Japan gave NOAH in exchange for permission to treat Kaito Kiyomiya like a bitch for months on end. What a deal! Cleary is an Irish wrestler making his NOAH debut.

Cleary and Greene start us off with some chain wrestling. I can’t help but notice that Cleary is a fine-looking young man. One could call him handsome, or at least relatively nice-looking, I would think.

Anyway, that non-sequitur that surely won’t factor into anything else about this match aside, Oiwa comes in and he wants the WORLD CHAMPION, because he’s a New Japan Young Lion and this is NOAH. I’m not trying to drive that home too hard, but I’m on the record that I think that regardless of anything, NOAH should not have let New Japan treat their former World Champion the way they did. And that’s coming from me, a New Japan homer if there ever was one.

I’m trying to come around on Lee, because I can see the talent there, I just can’t find a way in to connect with him as a wrestler for some reason. Oiwa holds his own a bit, but does one too many charges and gets slammed as the GLGs go to work on him in the corner. They beat on him for a bit and Oiwa does a comeback that Lee laughs at before hiptossing him for two.

Boston Crab by Jake, Oiwa fights for the ropes and makes it. Greene back in and in control until a gutwrench suplex by Oiwa turns the tide. Oiwa reaches out, hot tag to Cleary! This stunning Irishman goes on offense and gets two. Blind tag from Oiwa and he hits a forearm on Greene for two. Lee comes in, double suplex by Cleary and Oiwa!

Oiwa hits a German with a bridge on Greene! 1, 2, Cleary kicks his leg out from his leg! Oiwa wants to know what’s going on, and Cleary responds with a Fabioesque kick from his gorgeous legs! Guys, I think Cleary has turned on Oiwa! I knew there was something about him – he’s a good-looking guy! One neckbreaker later and Oiwa tastes defeat for the very first time in NOAH. (GLGs over Oiwa/Cleary, pinfall, 9:17)

THOUGHTS: **1/2. This was fine and was there to serve the story of Cleary joining the GLGs, so mission accomplished.

Indeed, we get the handshake of heeldom after the match, as Greene shakes LJ’s hand and Cleary bows to Lee. Lee returns the bow and we have a new member of GLGs, as Jake Lee makes clear on the mic. They raise their arms, but Kiyamiya and Soya clear the ring to protect Oiwa as the heels retreat.

Riko Kawahata/YUU vs Mio Momono/Takumi Iroha

Pretty sure these women are representing the Marvelous promotion here. Iroha’s electric guitar version of Pomp and Circumstance as a theme makes me smile. I saw her work with Charlie Morgan at the SHE-1 in EVE last year, I liked her. She was pretty decent.

YUU and Iroha start us off. They go to a stalemate, so over to Riko and Mio. Riko looks good with some snap and force on a few armdrags, while Mio comes back with a dropkick.

YUU back in and she slams Iroha and sits on her for two. Action has been fast and non-stop. Mio tries to come in for the doubleteam, but YUU handles her and then does the barrel roll onto everyone on the floor. Back in and Iroha goes for a suplex on YUU, but that isn’t going to fly, so it’s kicks instead to put YUU down. Another try ends with YUU getting the suplex instead.

Tag to Mio, who flies in for two with a crossbody. Dropkick after dropkick from Mio in a cool spot as YUU is against the bottom rope. Now Mio tries a German suplex on YUU, which, you know. How many times do we have to NOT get a suplex before we give that shit up, ladies? Press slam and a senton by YUU on Mio gets two.

Tag to Riko, who I’ve really liked a lot in this match, and she goes to work on Mio with a pump kick for two. Neckbreaker gets two but Iroha breaks up the pin. Riko goes up and YUU tries to powerbomb Mio, but Mio ‘ranas out and takes Riko off the top, then hits a brainbuster, YUU saves. Iroha rolls up Riko and hits a German on YUU at the same time for two, which…..that should have been the finish, it was cool as shit.

Iroha tries to finish by kicking Riko in the fucking HEAD for two. That doesn’t work so she goes up, but YUU catches her on top and Riko ‘ranas her off and hits a Northern Lights suplex. Moonsault by Riko misses, and Mio hits an impossibly high top rope splash on her which Iroha follows with a Swanton for two.

YUU with a cannonball in the corner on Mio and Riko hits a bridging German on Iroha for two. Riko takes two kicks from Iroha, which sets up a Razor’s Edge for the pin. GREAT match. (Iroha/Momono over YUU/Kawahata, pinfall, 14:44)

THOUGHTS: ****. This was really, really great. Absolute non-stop action from the opening bell with everyone getting the chance to show off. Riko impressed the hell out of me more than almost anyone else in the match, as she hit her moves crisply and sold well for the other women. YUU is YUU, she no-sold a bit more than I would have wanted, but overall I thought as a sprint this kind of ruled. Just a really, really fun wrestling match here.

3-Way Elimination Tag Match: Atsushi Kotoge/Hi69 vs Good Looking Guys (YO-HEY/Tadasuke) vs Alpha Wolf/Dragon Bane

YES! YO-HEY! My favorite junior in all of NOAH! Tadasuke isn’t bad himself. Wolf and Bane are lucha guys and, at this point, the Junior tag champs. Everyone appears to be legal at all times and things go completely batshit off the jump as a result. Action is too fast to call as everyone just hits move after move on each other until things settle down into a match with actual tags.

Forever clotheslines in the corner by Kotoge is followed by a suplex, but the GLGs toss him as the crowd chants for these fine-looking young men. YO-HEY gets tossed (the AUDACITY!) by Kotoge and 69, and now we’re back to Tornado rules as I’m cool with whatever. Wolf and Bane come in with some insane double-teams now to work over Kotoge and Tadasuke.

More craziness as people end up progressively on the floor and it’s time for everyone to dive, so dive they shall. Back in the ring and Kotoge is quickly overmatched and pinned by Alpha Wolf after an Awful Waffle variant.

Tadasuke in for a slugfest and YO-HEY quickly follows with a kick as all four guys are back at it. YO-HEY with a Canadian Destroyer and I somehow hate it less when he does it. I’m just a total simp sometimes. Okay, all the time. All 4 guys are down as we hit the 10 minute mark.

Blind charge from Dragon misses and YO-HEY hits a Meteora for two. They trade rollups but Dragon runs right into a dropkick by YO-HEY and gets pinned! (GLGs over Alpha Wolf/Dragon Bane & Kotoge/Hi69, pinfalls, 11:38)

THOUGHTS: ***1/2. Total spotfest here, and I mean TOTAL, but it was really, really fun to watch. I’m a YO-HEY mark and he got a lot here, especially with Dragon and Wolf flying everywhere. This was a blink and you miss it match, but the 3-way nature of it made it work for me, as the saves and moves that kept happening made sense to a certain extent. Overall, I really did enjoy this for what it was.

Post-match, YO-HEY and Tadasuke lay down the challenge, because they want da belts back!

Up next on Monday Magic 2, Ninja Mack vs a mystery opponent!

Main event time! KENOH makes his way down and is soon followed by his opponent…..the Great Mummy! NOSAWA had the good drugs delivered directly to the booking meeting, I see.

KENOH vs The Great Mummy

Mummy looks like a Slipknot cosplayer. He collapses and falls to the outside, lands in a chair, then ends up getting back in. Lockup and baby powder (or leftover cocaine from NOSAWA’s bathroom, you figure it out) from Mummy goes flying as even KENOH is a bit weirded out here.

Mummy chokes KENOH out with a chain on the floor, then does it the old-fashioned way with his hands. KENOH comes back with kicks and rolls Mummy into the ring for some stompin’. KENOH with a chinlock as this sucks as bad as Scott’s Jay White jokes, Mummy makes the ropes.

Mummy takes over and hits some very…..familiar looking chops in the corner all of a sudden. Crowd figures it out and chants ‘Kojima’ as the Mummy looks like he might take off his mask, allowing KENOH to recover and kick away.

Penalty Kick by KENOH and he goes up, diving double stomp misses and Mummy hits a cutter. He looks to take off the elbow pad and can’t because of his outfit, so he just says ‘fuck it all to hell’ and takes off the mask, revealing none other than Satoshi Kojima underneath it! Who could have guessed? He hits the lariat for two, then a brainbuster for two.

Another lariat attempt is ducked by KENOH, who kicks Kojima down and hits the double stomp off the top for the pin. (KENOH over Satoshi Kojima, pinfall, 8:24)

THOUGHTS: **. That’s my rating as a wrestling match. As a potential ecstasy-induced fever dream? I may go to 5. This was so fucking weird and a perfect end to Puro Night Raw.

Post-match, KENOH shakes Kojima’s hand and poses…..and now Jake Lee and the rest of the Good Looking Guys are out on the ramp to stare down #1 contender KENOH who is on his own, with no Kongo to back him anymore. And that’s where we’ll leave it for our first week of Monday Night Magic in NOAH!

FINAL THOUGHTS: I don’t even know where to begin.

Okay, let’s start with this – this may be one of the best xeroxes of Monday Night Raw I’ve seen from any country. Let’s suss it out a bit – we had:

-An opening promo segement that led to the main event
-The announcement of a new title which was promptly put front and center after the very first match where the winner challenged for it
-A 6-man tag that served to highlight both established stars and young talent in the end
-A debut and shocking turn in the SAME MATCH
-A women’s match that absolutely stole the show
-A 3-way tag spotfest to pop the crowd that led to the winners challenging the champions
-A main event to put over the top guy in the company as challenger to the world title in, albeit cartoonish fashion, a win over a former World champion

I mean, this was Monday Night TV to the Nth degree. It moved fast and was fun to watch and had both good and bad stuff on it. The main event was shit, but it wasn’t supposed to be good so much as it was meant to be spectacle to make KENOH look like a big star. There were two excellent matches on the show that made this an easy sit, which is a perfectly acceptable rate of trash to treasure that we sometimes don’t even get on Dynamite these days.

This was really fun. I may continue if people are interested. You can watch it on Wrestle Universe for free at the moment.

See you next time, everyone.

As always, thanks for reading this thing I wrote,

Rick Poehling
@MrSoze on Twitter (I won’t call it that other thing)
[email protected] for email