March 11th, 1991
Taped February 15th, 1991
New York, New York
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge & Bruno Sammartino
Dr. Death starts the show by hyping up tonight’s Lumberjack Match that we’re hearing about for the first time just now.
Don Muraco vs. Captain Badd
Bruno immediately roasts Captain Badd. “What did he do to deserve such a name?” Don gives the Captain a few seconds of offence so he can exert less energy. Don tries to remove Badd’s mask but then simply changes his mind and delivers a lazy Tombstone to end what was technically a match. I’m actually impressed with how little Don cared here, he was moving like he was trying to win a game of musical statues.
Paul Orndorff vs. Steve Williams (Lumberjack Match)
The lumberjacks are everyone else on the card, and they have the same enthusiasm for being here as Andy Warhol did at being at The War To Settle The Score. The announcer reads out Orndorff’s introduction as Dr. Death makes his way out, giving him the evil eye. Bruno earns his pennies by yelling “He got the name wrong!” in case we missed it. Orndorff charges Williams and both men are at least trying to ignore their previous match went to a Double DQ and not a Double Count-Out to justify a Lumberjack Match but whatever. It’s every Lumberjack Match that’s ever taken place with both men getting impartially thrown back in. Orndorff reverses an over-the-shoulder backbreaker by running up the ropes in a nice moment. Orndorff comes off the top with an elbow to set up the piledriver but Cactus Jack runs in to block it for some reason. Orton prevents everyone else from interfering by holding his hands up and mouthing “don’t.” Tolos throws his briefcase in which is enough for Muraco to wander in and blast Steve with an Atomic Drop. Paul goes to blast Steve with the briefcase but Williams escapes the ring (in a Lumberjack Match) causing the referee to ring the bell, causing a loud “BULLSHIT” chant from the crowd. Bruno yet again is confused why the match was stopped and it’s announced Paul’s the winner via DQ as Steve pushed the ref. Bruno dead-pans “I see” to try and hide his disgust at these finishes. Match was solid but even these two powerhouses are losing their enthusiasm.
Paul nearly saves the day by telling Herb “I don’t want to win a match like that, it’s like kissing your momma!” and challenges Williams to a Steel Cage Match next time. Crowd is very enthusiastic, Herb doesn’t know what to do or say (ever).
Ask the Wrestlers feat. John Tolos
Tolos is asked a question so this should kill ten minutes. I’d type the answer but I don’t want to crash Scott’s site again so let’s say “all of them” and move on.
B. Brian Blair vs. The Beast
I don’t know who The Beast is and I don’t care. I know who Blair is and I don’t care about him either. Blair launches Beast into the ring post and he takes it straight into the crotch, causing Bruno to remark “maybe he should change his name to The Lamb after that!” Blair does some stuff and wins with a Scorpion. Next.
Capt. Lou’s Corner w/Wet N’ Wild
Oh God come back Blair. Sunny explains they don’t have a tag team name yet, what are they going to call themselves? Loue suggests hey why not Wet N’ Wild? THEY’VE BEEN CALLED THAT FOR TWO WEEKS NOW. I refuse to believe Sean Oliver’s story about a staff member stealing a tape due to not getting paid because that would mean people *were* getting paid for this.
The Power Twins (w/Rick Golden) vs. Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi
Hey it’s Salvatore Sincere and uhhh (checks Cagematch) Sir Richard Michaels from really early ECW making their debuts. Both are still greener than the 17th March with the commentators putting over Brandi’s previous life as a Chippendale. Oh speaking of which, I recommend the Amazon Prime documentary on the crime-filled world of the Chippendales. With the sweaty jacked men, drugs and murder it’s pretty much pro wrestling. Michaels is half the size of a Power Twin so he takes a pretty sweet double back body drop before falling victim to the torture rack/top rope elbow thing that Power & Glory used to do. Did that have a name? The Power Twins then help Rick Golden give Chris an Airplane Spin and he’s the size of Rockstar Spud so it’s worth it to hear Bruno’s revulsion at such a thing occuring. The Power Twins call Herb a “Mental Midget” before saying they’re going to do unto others before they do it themselves. Pretty sweet squash that should have been their first appearance if the editing team weren’t going off Herb’s crayon notes.
Oh and due to amazing time-keeping skills, we get the first five minutes of Williams vs. Orndorff to send us home because there’s literally nothing else to fill the show and I fucking love UWF.
Overall: I can’t think of many reasons to be sticking with UWF unless you’re a trainspotter who’s in it for the crashes. Not only does the booking continue to be non-existent but the production team are trying less & less each week so the whole thing’s falling apart like the typewriter in Stephen King’s Misery. And I can’t wait for more!
I’ve been Maffew.