January 7th, 1991
Taped December 6th, 1990
Reseda Country Club
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge & Bruno Sammartino
We open with Steve Ray yelling about freedom and hating South Africa, meanwhile Ivan Koloff doesn’t give a shit where people are from…except if they’re from America. Wait, South Africa? Oh I see, they took a Steve Ray promo on Col. DeBeers, chopped the end off it and turned it into a Koloff challenge. That’s one of the advantages of having so many evil foreigner gimmicks in 1991.
Col. DeBeers vs. Riki Ataki
Riki’s last appearance. DeBeers headbutts Riki in the gut on a charge before landing an enziguri. His offence is so odd. Riki surprisingly makes a comeback and bounces DeBeers’ head off the turnbuckle ten times before nailing a top rope legdrop as the crowd goes BANANA…for two. DeBeers blocks a bulldog attempt and finishes with his old-arse DDT.
Winner: Col. DeBeers (Riki wasn’t good or anything but he was on the higher end of the UWF jobber scale and at least the Colonel let him get a few moves in on the way out.)
DeBeers tells Herb “I’ve seen some of the women you hang out with, your dentist should be worried!” Iceman King Parsons wearing a “Crack Kills” shirt responds with pre-recorded comments, yelling about “that racist gimmick’s gone, it’s the nineties fool!” I don’t know much about Parsons but his promos are a lifesaver.
Paul Orndorff vs. Al Lion
Paul still has a mad-on for Steve Williams because he finally has a date for that match they’ve been building up for months. Al Lion attacks Paul while Orndorff still has his robe on which is a good way to shorten your life span. Spinebuster, Piledriver 1-2-3.
Post-match, Orndorff compares him vs. Dr. Death to “that thing in the Middle East” while promising all hell is going to break loose, even if it means grabbing “a cane from an old lady.” Woah hey now, let’s not say things we can’t take back.
Don Muraco vs. Terry Cooley
Cooley looks untrained and Muraco would rather eat than wrestle so I don’t see this going well. Don gets a drop toe hold and smothers Terry with his gut while the crowd is already preparing their BORING chant. In fairness, they’ve been here for eight hours, which is half a MLW taping. Cooley gets some corner charges before Muraco splats him with a running crossbody to thankfully end it in a few minutes, the only thing quick about the match.
Capt. Lou’s Corner w/Louie Spicolli
Lou asks Louie why he’s called Cutie Pie, Louie asks well with his beard and elastic beards why isn’t LOU called Cutie Pie? Louie does his best but Lou talks over his responses before breathing stale spaghetti into Louie’s face while Stephanie McMahon is like “woah how about letting the other talent get something in?”
The Box Office
Alright so announced for The Rumble In The Big Apple we’ve got:
- Paul Orndorff vs. Dr. Death (would happen)
- Col. DeBeers vs. Iceman King Parsons (would happen)
- Larry Zbyszko vs. David Sammartino (wouldn’t happen)
- B. Brian Blair vs. Bob Orton Jr. (would happen)
- Steve Way vs. Ivan Koloff (would happen)
- Greg Valentine vs. Don Muraco (wouldn’t happen)
Huh, only two lies. And yeah, Greg Valentine is still being advertised and he would in fact wrestle on a few shows before heading back to WWF months later, which is a bit different to the “WWF immediately re-hired him after he appeared on their fierce rival’s show” narrative I’ve heard.
Oh we get an interview from Larry who talks about attacking Bruno. The fuck else is he going to talk about? And then Lou Albano asks a fan question about if David has a chance against Larry. Usually I’d feel bad about a company building up a match that wouldn’t happen but it’s Herb so instead I’m loving it.
B. Brian Blair (w/Capt. Lou Albano & Honey Bee) vs. Louie Spicolli
We get a recap of obese retired manager Lou Albano making the save for Brian Blair, the shittiest face in the history of pro wrestling. Blair is accompanied by Lou and his hot wife and the crowd STILL chants for Louie over him. Rocky Dennis was a better face. Lou and Blair escape each other’s scoop slams in a nice bit before Louie misses a giant elbow off the second rope. Blair nails his Five Moves of Doom (knee lift, scoop slam, sharpshooter, fast forward, fast forward) to end a flavourless bout.
Herb attempts to interview Blair but Lou interrupts every time anyone opens their mouth. I’m pretty sure right now Lou’s casket is making noises and insulting the tombstones around him. Meanwhile, Orton Jr. calls Honey Bee the hairiest thing he’s ever seen in his life and Tolos wonders how many more managers Blair needs to help him out. Both valid points.
Steve Ray vs. Ivan Koloff
Koloff bumps and feeds for Ray which is a hell of a deal considering the gap in talent and years. Ray resists the urge to hit Koloff low so Ivan extends his hand before turning on him. “He Cuban Missile Crisis’d him!” Ray gets caught in the ring ropes but is able to escape and block a Ivan chairshot. Back in the ring, Ivan takes all the bumps from Ray. I’m going to speculate he heard Nikita got an offer to go back to the NWA and was suddenly very eager to show off his skills. Ray eventually lands a tope rope crossbody but Ivan holds on and uses the momentum to score a victory. Crowd chants BULLSHIT so good job Ivan. The Russian Bear even lets Ray seize his chain from him and force him to run away, giving Ray a much-needed rub.
Overall: The last page of UWF’s first chapter ends like the first page started: Impressive up-and-comers with absolutely no direction anywhere else. We’re moving onto New York finally so I’m here for the bumps in-ring and the bounces out-the-ring.
Only got a snippet from a Billy Graham interview from the January 10th edition of the WON to add this week:
I wasn’t in touch with very many wrestlers. It’s a very cold business as far as people maintaining friendships. I was always kind of a loner anyway although I had some good friends in (John) Studd and Jesse (Ventura). I thought at the time that Terry (Bollea) was a good friend of mine but I never heard from him again. I found out later talking to Brian Blair when Herb Abrams was promoting, Steve Strong and I went to see one of the shows and when I walked in, Blair was laughing and said, “Superstar’s here, hide the steroids.” He giggled and we all laughed. But I could tell there was an underlying ill feeling, although nobody said it to my face. But it surfaced that the boys felt I shouldn’t have gone public, especially with the 90 percent figure. On the NBC piece, I said that I had injected wrestlers and other wrestlers had injected me but I used no names. But I did let it be known that we had given each other shots in locker rooms. At the time I felt I needed to get this message out and I didn’t care what happened. I had no idea about a lawsuit at this time. I just wanted to tell the story because it’s a horrible story. But I did get a lot of heat.
I’ve been Maffew.