The lame version of DON’T QUESTION MY HEART brings us to Atlanta, GA and our main event is finally The Boogeyman vs. Big Daddy V!
But before we get to drink champagne we have to sip from the toilet bowl that is Elijah Burke. He congratulates Punk on his victory last Sunday but points out if they wrestled ten times, he’d win nine of them. Uh-huh. Here’s the current stats for Burke vs. Punk:
01/23/07 ECW On Sci-Fi
CM Punk pinned Elijah Burke
05/20/07 Judgement Day
CM Punk pinned Elijah Burke
06/26/07 ECW On Sci-Fi
CM Punk defeated Elijah Burke in a Best 2 out of 3 falls match
07/17/07 ECW On Sci-Fi
CM Punk pinned Elijah Burke
07/24/07 ECW On Sci-Fi
CM Punk & Tommy Dreamer defeated ECW World Champion John Morrison & Elijah Burke
07/31/07 ECW On Sci-Fi
CM Punk defeated Elijah Burke and Tommy Dreamer
09/16/07 Unforgiven
CM Punk defeated Elijah Burke
He promises the next time they wrestle (noooooo) he’s winning the title. Kevin Thorn wanders out and it’s the first time I’ve been happy to see him. Thorn asks why Burke would get a title shot when he’s already had a bunch and lost every time. TELL HIM SHITTY VAMPIRE. Thorn wants a shot instead but here comes Dreamer to receive some old man jokes. Stevie Richards also shows up. Burke: ”Are you kidding me? Who’s next, The Blue Meanie?” Even Dreamer is surprised and tells Stevie ”oh come on” which Richards sadly replies with ”Oh, you’re going to COME ON me?” like Magnum TA. Eventually Armando creates the Elimination Chase leading to the Number One Contender wrestling at No Mercy. We get a Four-Way tonight and whoever gets the pin is eliminated, so we’ll have a three-way next week and so on. Nice idea.
Elijah Burke vs. Stevie Richards vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn
Match starts during the break and everyone’s dishing out moves to one another. No tags needed so it’s a bit of a mess to start. Burke gets a near-fall from a rope-to-the-throat, which lets Tazz remind us about Stevie’s past throat issues. Thorn stays on Dreamer for most of the match, stopping to give Richards that cool backbreaker of his. Burke nails the Outer Limitz Elbow but gets rolled up because he’s Burke. Thorn and Burke brawl outside so Dreamer and Richards go through the Sunset Flip Pinfall sequence. Thorn tries a schoolboy on Dreamer then Burke tries a schoolboy on Thorn. They fight outside and Richards dives on both men but gets caught, so Dreamer baseball slides all of them. Big pop for that.
Back from break Dreamer gets a near-fall from a Sky High. Burke stomps on Thorn while shouting ”This is for my hair!” Thorn lands a big-ass Torture Rack Backbreaker which the crowd freaks for. That move was wasted on him.
Stevie Kick for Thorn and Dreamer tries to steal the win but he kicks out and the crowd is really into this now with the amount of near-falls. Burke goes up top with Stevie trying to superplex but Thorn bombs them both down. Crowd is popping like bubble wrap and it only builds when Dreamer gets a Frog Splash on Stevie. Sadly for them, Thorn throws him outside and Thorn assists Burke in pinning him to eliminate Richards from the chase.
Winner: Elijah Burke (This was a big pile of moves but turned coherent towards the end. Crowd was digging the action too so I thought this was a bunch of fun with everyone in the match getting a time to shine regardless of my opinion of them.)
Raw Recap shows us the build for Cena vs. Orton, Last Man Standing at No Mercy. Shame it didn’t happen, the hype video makes it look like the most serious Cena feud ever, with Orton attacking his Dad in front of him as Cena was forced to watch like Shang Tsung in the Mortal Kombat film.
Burke asks Punk to sign the copy of WWE Magazine with Punk on the front as it’ll be worth a lot of money when Burke beats him. Punk laughs at the shameless plug disguised as a promo and walks away.
The Miz and his harem enter the ring with Kelly Kelly still holding the teddy bear Balls gave her last week. These details are important to note. Miz knows the crowd can’t get women like this so he gets Extreme Expose to dance to Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s Push It because new bands were still staying away from WWE. Here’s my favourite Salt ‘n’ Pepa memory:
Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
Oh fuck, Knox is back for good? He clothesline and leg-drops Like A Hoss but only Extreme Expose cares about the match. BALLS BALLS BALLS punches connect and a sit-out Spinebuster gets the win.
Winner: Balls Mahoney (Once again no mention of the Kelly/Knox history to really rub it in. Match was a set-up for the Balls/Kelly cheese.)
Balls asks Kelly out for a date but before she can answer Miz drags her backstage. Balls takes that as a yes.
Big Daddy V vs. The Boogeyman
Taz gets his ”small, foreign car” line in to describe Big Daddy V so you know it’s a big match. ECW has been hyping this match for a few weeks now and they’ve done a wonderful job of it. The dramatic music video before the match could have been scored to Lux Aeterna. V clotheslines Boogey to start and immediately tries to remove the bag of worms but Boogey avalanches him from behind. V ain’t happy so he knocks him out the ring. Boogey goes after Striker so V knocks him down from behind and sends him into the ring steps. V uses the ropes to squash Boogey as the crowd cheers for the worm-eating age-liar. Boogeyman starts no-selling which freaks out V. But not for long as he hurls him into the corner to get crushed. Boogeyman walks into a Black Titty Slam and a Big Fucking Elbow for the win.
Winner: YOUR NEW GOD (This was very short but everything felt impressive. I’m a big Viscera fan so I’ll freely admit I enjoy seeing V do his job so well as a monster. He’s faster as Big Daddy V then we was as Mabel fifteen years ago too, so even though on paper it looks like a horrible WWF C-Show main event from 1986, I loved it. Boogeyman was good at getting into position to get hit.)
Overall: Breezy episode of ECW on Sci-Fi this week with two good reasons to watch and a quick Knox match (they best type) so I was happy with it despite being tired and hungover and in no mood to be recapping this show on a warm Sunday afternoon.
Thanks for reading, new Botchamania will be uploaded soon but I’ll post on BOD later so Big Boss Keith gets more hits and keeps me around.