We’re in Charlotte, NC and Vince McMahon is still dead. He’d get better.
Chris Benoit vs. Elijah Burke
And this is it, Benoit’s last televised match. Crowd loves him as he’s the biggest star of the brand. ”If Burke has butterflies in his stomach, Benoit will beat them out of him!” Benoit demonstrates his technical dominance by abusing him with a hammerlock. Burke escapes by using the ring ropes and gets a quick sunset flip for two. Indie stand-off doesn’t last long as Benoit tries to chop Burke’s chest off before trying a Crossface but Burke’s near the ropes. Burke manages to get offence on Benoit as Benoit’s bald spot is very noticeable. His hair was like belly button fluff at this point. Burke keeps him grounded with a headlock but Benoit turns it into a Northern Lights Suplex. Burke sends Benoit to the outside but doesn’t follow with a Suicide Dive which Raw in 2017 has prepared me for. Burke tries a pin-fall but his legs are under the ropes so he jiggles around and when he gets it, Benoit kicks out at one. Burke misses a Big Boss Man-style rope-squash so Benoit brings the CANADIAN VIOLENCE. It’s all here (for the last time): chops, snap suplex, big clothesline with Benoit going to the side afterwards and another Northern Lights Suplex. Triple Germans cause Burke’s ”moon-beads” to fall out his hair. That’s new. Diving Headbutt lands directly onto Burke’s raised knees, which Benoit sells like he’s concussed hurt.
Benoit blocks a suplex by hitting Burke with mid-air knees but Burke blocks a Sharpshooter attempt. Burke misses the Elijah Express in the corner which allows Benoit to get the Sharpshooter for the submission win.
Winner and advancing to the ECW Championship match at WWE Vengeance: Chris Benoit (Benoit was so fun to watch in the ring, able to look like a killer bad-ass but also make his opponent’s offence look convincing.)
We get a replay of Stephanie McMahon giving a tearful speech about her Dad being dead on Father’s Day from Raw last night. And moving on.
Oh, the Raw after Vengeance was going to be a three-hour tribute to Vince McMahon. Yeah.
The Boogeyman vs. Sean Alexander
Our jobber comes from GOUGE Wrestling. Two-handed Chokebomb and it’s over.
Winner: The Boogeyman (Post-match Sean gets wormed in the mouth. This is going to lose it’s appeal really quickly if it’s done every week).
Now we go to Daniel Beck, lead federal investigator on the Vince McMahon murder. Oh, no we don’t. Well that was a pointless five seconds.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn
I feel like I’ve seen this match a lot. Where’s the new guys from the draft? Thorn is ”extremely physical” blahblah according to the commentators. Thorn plants Dreamer with the choke-bomb, surprising he was allowed to do that considering how similar it is to Boogeyman’s finisher. Crowd chant for tables even though it’s not an Extreme Rules match. They’re so bored they want a DQ. Boring pounding from Thorn, not made any more exciting despite Thorn’s ”rarrr” noises. Dreamer nails a Sky High for two. Dreamer tries doing the Ten Punches in the corner, but Thorn pushes him off and Dreamer appears to hurt himself and Thorn pins him (despite Dreamer’s foot being under the ropes).
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Dreamer is destined to shout ECW and/or get hurt during matches. Considering the camera work and quick replays, I’m thinking he’s OK. Thorn is still duller than a square pencil. Sadly it’ll be ages until he’s drafted to the unemployment office.)
Yet another look at Vince McMahon’s limo blowing up.
Johnny Nitro vs. Nunzio
New blood, phew. After the great Hardys vs. MNM feud at the start of the year, Mercury was released in March 2007 (larely because of his painkiller addiction after having his face explode during that ladder match). After that, Nitro started tagging with the charisma machine Kenny Dykstra so thank fuck for ECW on Sci-Fi. Nitro shows he can grapple with Nunzio but gets bored of that quickly and springboard kicks him in the face. ”Right in the schnozz! That’s the nose by the way” – Tazz. After a break-dance leg-drop (which looked pretty but he got about two inches off the ground), Nunzio clotheslines Nitro from behind and connects with a rough spinning headscissors. Both men are trying to wrestle like one another and it isn’t pretty. Crowd doesn’t care and AGAIN chant for tables. I know judging fans is a sign you’re too critical about wrestling…but this crowd is dumb, After some not-very-smooth sequences, Nitro lands the flipping neckbreaker for the win. ”He reminds me of a young me!” – Tazz.
Winner: Johhny Nitro (Nitro was (and still is) a very impressive athlete but filling in the gaps between his flips was a big problem that was easily fixed by being in a tag team. Here, he flipped and flopped and the crowd couldn’t have cared less. Hopefully he can team with someone new on this brand and maybe get re-packaged.)
Oh hey, MizTV is coming next week. I didn’t realise the MizTV thing went as far back as 2007. Afterwards, Extreme Expose are shown watching Miz’s promo package, Brooke calls Miz ”hot” three times in one sentence and asks their help to date him. She leaves and Layla asks Kelly Kelly if she was with Miz last weekend. This forces Kelly to act and say ”mind your own business.” Oh God, not Extreme Expose storylines.
Vengeance: Night Of Champions is this Sunday. Announced matches are Hardys vs. Murdoch & Cade (ten years later and The Hardys are doing the same storyline with Sheamus & Cesaro!), Edge vs. Batista in Dave’s last chance at the title, Flair vs. MVP, and Cena vs. King Booker vs. Lashley vs. Orton vs. Foley. What the hell was Foley doing in that match and main event?
Marcus Cor Von vs. CM Punk
In another heart-breaker, this would be Cor Von’s last match ever. One of the great ”What Ifs…” of wrestling, he wasn’t memorable when having a normal, filler match but excelled in squashes and main event big-deal matches. I won’t miss typing his daft name though. Cor Von shrugs off an Irish Whip into the turnbuckle but gets taken down by a second-rope crossbody. Punk works the arm and keeps Cor Von away, until Cor Von stops a counter with a Single-Arm DDT. Now Cor Von works over Punk’s shoulder by throwing him into the ring post. Cor Von takes Punk down with a hammerlock, then sweeps the leg but keeps hold of the arm. Nice. Cor Von is showing a lot more technical expertise than I’ve seen from him. Oh never mind, he decides to Fallaway Slam (aka ”the sack of shit”) Punk for two. Back to the shoulder, until Punk starts throwing calf kicks around. Knee-lift, bulldog combo goes nowhere so Punk dives with another crossbody which Cor Von makes a mess of.
Punk looks a little dazed but Cor Von Butterfly Suplexes him across the ring just fine. Cor Von misses a charge and Punk finishes with the GTS out of nowhere.
Winner and advancing to the ECW Championship match at WWE Vengeance: CM Punk (Was looking like a fine match until Punk got dunked on his head and they skipped to the finish. Which is fair enough, that dunk looked horrid. Cor Von was showing off his other talents in this match and looked credible doing so, making this his last match even more bitter.)
Benoit strolls to the ring to stare down Punk in a segment called ”least likely to ever be re-shown on WWE TV”. They’ll meet at Vengeance and that’s your show.
Overall: Cor Von retired after his sister passed away and he decided to take care of her children, which is a hell of a lot nicer than what happened to the other guy on this show.
Thanks for reading a surprisingly eventful episode of ECW on Sci-Fi. Next week we’ll have a look at Vengeance and WAIT, BREAKING NEWS:
”I have a message. Chris Benoit’s plane … was shot down … over the Sea of Japan. It spun in …”
