We’re in (not named), One Night Stand: A Night of Extreme Rules is this Sunday and here’s Raw’s Randy Orton! Dramatic MV covers Orton concussing HBK with The Punt at Judgement Day. RVD claimed Orton lacked respect so Orton punted him too. I always like when feuds segue-way into other feuds. RVD decided to plant himself head-first on the RKO too because he’s Rob Points At Self Van Points At Self Dam Spin-Kick Pose To Crowd.
Randy is OK with his actions because the match wasn’t sanctioned. Orton is wrestling RVD this Sunday in a stretcher match and if you thought modern-day Orton was bland on the mic then you’ll shit yourself with mediocrity at 2007 Randy. ”You will be stretchered out as the match will be…a stretcher…match.” Tommy Dreamer mercifully interrupts and challenges Orton to a match TONIGHT.
Saturday Night’s Main Event returns to NBC this weekend! Fuck me, there’s nearly as much WWE TV in 2007 as there is in 2017. Bobby Lashley will take on Vince McMahon in an Arm Wrestling Contest and if that doesn’t make you want to watch, then I don’t know what to tell you.
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (No Disqualification)
Weird they’re not doing EXTREME RULES but it’s all the same thing. I wonder if this ends the feud, Punk’s already beaten Burke on PPV. Oh wait, breaking news it’ll be Punk, Dreamer & Sandman vs. Elijah Burke, Matt Striker & Marcus Cor Von in a PPV-required Tables Match. CM Punk chants to start off, Punk keeps Burke at bay with armbars for a bit. Crowd chant for Tables like zombies and stop reacting to armbars so Punk gives Burke an Owen Hart-style calf kick. Burke gets kicked in the back and instead of selling, jumps up and shouts at Punk who then kicks him down again. Punk flies off the second rope on a crossbody so Burke goes for a chair but gets kicked before he can use it. Burke was in a weird position where he’s supposed to be a leader but they wanted to push Punk so instead of Burke coming across like Don Corleone he’s more like Big Boss from C.O.P.S. We got to break and when we’re back we’re shown highlights of Punk jumping off the guard-rail and missing a crossbody. Burke chokes Punk for a bit and lands his cool-looking bad-named Outer Limitz Elbow. Burke tries some cheap pins and shouts at the ref when he doesn’t get a three. However, the ref is Scott Armstrong so he threatens Burke who immediately backs down. Burke can’t even look credible against a ref. Table is set up in the corner as the crowd chant ”Use the table” impatiently. Burke tries to send Punk into the table but Punk sends him into the opposite corner and lands the running knee. Bulldog into the table is reversed into a back-drop, Punk recovers and tries for a spring-board but…
Punk comes back with some back-fists but Marcus Cor Von runs in. Punk bounces a chair off him and tries to put Burke through the table with the Elijah Express knees. Burke kicks him in the ribs, Punk tries the GTS, Burke eye-rakes Punk and Cor Von appears out of nowhere with THE POUNCE for the win.
Cor Von pops-off afterwards but stops mid-taunt as Punk hurt him. Ha!
Winner: Elijah Burke (The No DQ stipulation hurt the match as the crowd didn’t care about anything apart from weapons and gave up chanting for Punk in the second half, even chanting BORING when the table hadn’t been used yet. Weak match for both men as despite the counter-filled finish, neither came out the match looking good. Apart from Cor Von.)
We join Vince McMahon live via satellite. He mocks Joey (”Who’s called Joey? You sound like a twelve-year old.”) and Tazz (”what’s that, a medieval gargoyle?”) and calls Lashley a loser. Oh no, Bobby joins and it’s split-screen. The onyl good thing I remember from a WWE split-screen thing was Bret calling Luger ”horse-face” that one time. Vince gets a chuckle by calling Lashley ”very articulate” and saying Lashley is coming to his world as ”he’s from the streets.” He whips out the Custer’s Last Stand bit he used in Memphis (but sadly doesn’t laugh maniacally) and Lashley gets a laugh out of the crowd by saying Vince is old enough to be his Dad’s Uncle. Well this was 90% Vince which is how it should have been and Lashley got a good line that they ended on so they’re learning not to give him soliloquies.
To leave WWE, or not to leave WWE–that ith the quethtion:
Whether ‘tith nobler in the mind to thuffer
The thlings and arrowth of outrageouth fortune
That I thought I thould have rethieved for WM23
Or to take armth againtht a sea of troubleth
We get a replay of the Randy Orton/RVD video recap from the start of the show and Extreme Expose dance to Maneater. So yes, this show still can’t fill an hour. Someone asked how big the roster was last week so here’s what I got:
CM Punk, Elijah Burke, Rob Van Dam, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Snitsky, Kevin Thorn, Bobby Lashley, Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, Balls Mahoney, Little Guido, Stevie Richards, Major Brothers. Also Extreme Expose (if they count) and I guess at least Vince McMahon counts as he’s the champ.
So let’s say 14 with 3 dancers plus Vince, Shane and Umaga. Thankfully we’re getting a draft between all three brands next week so that’ll help.
Missing from that list is Sabu, who officially left WWE on May 16. Sabu had an interesting WWE run, one that many thought would never happen in the first place and he ended up being pushed as one of the top guys on the brand for the first few months as he wrestled John Cena, Rey Mysterio and The Big Show on PPV. The long Big Show/Heyman feud looked sure to end with Sabu winning the title but a mixture of panic-booking Elimination Chamber for the first ECW PPV, switching direction to mega-pushing Lashley and Sabu’s lameness in non-gimmick matches (springboard springboard springboard!) put that to an end, with Sabu being removed from the PPV all together in a match he would have flourished in. Perhaps if WWE had decided to add the ECW Title defences to the normal PPVs more regularly Sabu would have enjoyed a title reign. Sabu spent 2007 being Just Another Wrestler Who Used To Be In ECW, but was part of the action-packed Extreme Rules Wrestlemania rematch so he had that going for him. Sabu has said in shoot interviews that he hated most of his WWE run because they made him talk, something he hates doing. Sabu would have a run in TNA a few years after this and surprised many people by looking sharper than he had looked in years. Good for him.
Kevin Thorn vs. Balls Mahoney
Thorn is lucky the roster is smaller than the amount of people getting paid by Impact Wrestling. Last time these two wrestled, it got ugly and Balls ended up losing teeth after a viscous elbow. Not mentioned by the commentators as this is a simple squash with Thorn unloading all his moves and finishing with the Original Sin elevated neckbreaker.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Thorn looked good doing all his moves with no resistance to a big guy like Balls but who he’s spent nearly a year doing bugger-all so who cares.)
Major Brothers get a talking to from Matt Striker. They exposition the main event and the draft until Striker challenges whichever-Major-Brother-was-Curt-Hawkins to a match next week.
This Sunday there’s a load of ECW-related matches. The New Breed vs. The ECW Originals in a Tables Match, RKO vs. RVD in a Stretcher Match, Vince McMahon vs. Lashley in a Street Fight. This is also the show with the surprisingly good Khali vs. Cena match.
Randy Orton vs. Tommy Dreamer
Commentators argue on whether Orton was a bad man or not for beating up RVD last night. It was all legal, says Tazz so it’s OK but Joey calls it immoral. Speaking of immoral, Orton starts off with headlocks. Dreamer takes a breather on the apron so Orton gives him a big ol’ dropkick. Back in, chinlock. Kitchen sink running knee gets cheers from a lot of the crowd. Dreamer stops Orton as he goes to the top and nails a Superplex. Dreamer plants Orton with loads of Terry Funk-esque punches but the crowd reaction isn’t there like it usually is. Dreamer with a few near-falls and a Tree of Woe and this crowd is just not Pro-Dreamer. Not a single ECW chant. After taking a Reverse DDT, Orton has enough and hits the RKO for the pin.
Winner: Randy Orton (Finish was never in doubt but Dreamer got a ton of offence, which is very un-Dreamer.)
Post-match Orton beats up Dreamer some more and somehow misses The Punt and has to do it again.
RVD runs in to make the save but takes one hit and acts lobotomised because he’s concussed.
Overall: Another skippable show as the brand hobbles on towards the much-needed draft while also helping to shoulder the burden of too many PPVs back-to-back. Crowd weren’t into the show and this would be (I think) RVD’s last appearance too. Nothing but good thoughts here.
Botchamania 337 can be enjoyed here but if you’re not into that I typed about the Del Rio vs. Ziggler feud of 2013 to see if it’s as good as I remembered.