Show begins with Hatted Vince looking like Marc Lawrence walking to the ring.
Vince starts by telling us he can’t get revenge on Steve Austin because he’s promoting his film The Condemned (in cinemas now!) and he can’t get revenge on Donald Trump because he’s going to make Linda McMahon Administrator of the Small Business Administration not here. So he’s going to get Lashley, who’s barred from the building because he’s suffering from a severe concussion. We get a dramatic recap of Monday Night Raw featuring Shane McMahon vs. Lashley. Well no wonder he got a concussion. Oh wait, Umaga runs in and gives him an unprotected chair-shot. Angry Vince announces at Backlash it’ll be Vince, Shane and Umaga vs. Lashley. Surprised (and yet not surprised) they’d have Lashley on both Raw and ECW after Wrestlemania, he’s pretty easy to overexpose.
Rob Van Dam talks with CM Punk about joining the ECW Originals but Elijah Burke interrupts and he wants him in The New Breed. As they both argue over him, Punk has enough and tells them they’ll get their answer tonight.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn
Dreamer’s limping from last week and we get a clip so I can do that GIF that was requested.
Thorn knocks down Dreamer, misses a leg drop and gets clotheslined outside. Dreamer brawls for a bit but Thorn pulls him off the apron as he climbs back in. As Thorn chinlocks Dreamer, we cut to Punk watching this match backstage with his thinking face on. Dreamer kicks out of the How Dare You Use D’Lo Brown’s Sky High You Shitty Vampire and Dreamer responds with It’s OK If He Uses D’Lo Brown’s Sky High for another two-count. Dreamer goes up top, Ariel distracts him and Thorn hits the Elevated Neckbreaker for the win.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Dull as hell, no-one cared.)
Snitsky interrupts Extreme Expose backstage. He stares at them until they leave.
We’re in Providence, Rhode Island and we get another promo package for The Condemned. Hardcore Holly is out injured after the Snitsky attack from last week. He’d return in September, starting the Cody Rhodes tag team for one last unexpectedly good run.
Stevie Richards vs. CM Punk
Joey Styles tells us Stevie lost last week but he’s confident he can win a rematch. He doesn’t get an entrance so I wouldn’t bet on it. Matt Striker and Sandman show up to watch Punk.
We come back from break, Punk gives Stevie a backbreaker but misses a Springboard Crossbody. Richards works over Punk’s hurt ribs (no longer taped up, but the memory remains) with bear hugs and back-drops. Punk comes back with the mash-the-pad MMA offence and the running knee/bulldog combo for two. Striker and Sandman shout at each other and Sandman swings the cane and accidentally hits Punk. Punk’s more annoyed than hurt as Stevie rolls him up, but Punk counters that into another roll-up for three.
Winner: CM Punk (We only got half a match as the focus was on the New Breed/ECW originals. Crowd didn’t even chant CM Punk once.)
Sandman apologies post-match, Punk glares.
Extreme Expose wobble their bits to some music and Snitsky shows up again. They get out the ring but Layla has to act like a damsel in distress from a horror film and suddenly can’t figure out how to get the fuck out.
Balls Mahoney runs in and hits Snitsky with a chair. He no-sells it and gives him The Aborter Kick. Crowd chants ”E-C-W”.
Rob Van Dam vs. Marcus Cor Von
Sabu accompanies RVD, wearing a neck brace because of the Elijah Express through the table last week. Styles hates The New Breed but likes Cor Von’s smooth jazz music. Cor Von and RVD both miss moves and bust out the INDIE STAND-OFF. Cor Von counters a monkey flip into a powerbomb but RVD turns that into a Frankensteiner. Tazz calls it a Victory Roll for whatever reason. Cor Von doesn’t care what it’s called and takes RVD’s head off with a lariat. Cor Von plods away with offence as Styles explains how big he is. He’s not as smooth as his theme music though as most of the moves in the match have noticeable pauses as Cor Von looks like he’s thinking what’s next. Cor Von gets a two-count off a back drop and he gets his second chinlock in. Cor Von German Suplexes RVD for a two-count and we get Chinlock III: The Chinlockening. Burke jaws at the crowd so they have something to do. Cor Von stomps away at RVD some more and puts RVD in Chinlock IV: Chinlock With a Vengeance. RVD makes a comeback with clotheslines and kicks and nails the non-chair Van Daminator. Cor Von stands up at the wrong time and we get some awkwardness as RVD shoves him back down so he can hit a leg drop. RVD lands another non-chair Van Daminator and Burke gives Sabu a DDT at ringside. RVD is so distracted he runs right into THE POUNCE.
Winner: Marcus Cor Von (Cor Von looked like a different person here compared to how he was in TNA, you’d think he’d started wrestling two months ago. If he didn’t have THE POUNCE he’d be fucked. At least the crowd made noise for RVD.)
CM Punk shows up immediately after the bell rings, looking to help The ECW Originals…but joins The New Breed instead. All of The New Breed come out for hugs and that’s the show.
Overall: CM Punk joined The New Breed. There, I saved you an hour. Punk needed to join New Breed if they were going to continue the Breed vs. Originals feud otherwise it’d have been as one-sided as The Battle of Saragarhi.
That’s all. I have a website called botchamania.com and my web guy tells me to plug it and I might as well after this Dayquil episode.