We’re in Tuscon, Arizona and we start with a recap of last week. Well last week in ECW as there wasn’t a review last Sunday because it was Christmas so unless you wanted a recap of Muppets Christmas Carol and Eton Mess I couldn’t help you. On Raw, Vince picked Umaga and Trump picked Lashley for The Battle Of The Billionaires. On ECW, Vince put Lashley in a cage match against Hardcore Holly which Lashley won and dove through the cage onto Umaga. On Smackdown, Vince tries to out-bid Trump but Bobby tells him ”NO!” and gets slapped by Vince. You can tell they’re going all-in on Lashley when he’s on three times a week.
New intro (but same song) focusing on The New Breed, CM Punk and Lashley and here’s Vince in the ring for further recap. The Board Of Directors have made Stone Cold Steve Austin the Special Guest Referee so this match has more gimmicks that a Stanley Knife. The official contract signing is next Monday and Vince stumbles over his words but recovers with precision because he’s VINCE. ”You think you people are putting me off?” He threatens to give Trump a Billionaire Bitch-Slap if he looks at him the wrong way and shows the replay of slapping Lashley on Smackdown. Vince likes it so much he makes them show it again! He then describes how Lashley apologised to him backstage sincerely but Vince wanted none of it and demanded he do it in the ring. Lashley enters with pyro and a big grin. He looks almost human. Lashley says he WILL apologise and Vince (”sorry, Mr. McMahon”) and shakes his hand. He holds the handshake and apologies for not beating him up. Lashley squeezes Vince’s hand until he drops to his knees and tells him he’ll break him in half if he slaps him again. Lashley drops the mic and leaves.
Great segment for Lashley and this did more for him than those boring ”story of Lashley” segments. Prime Vince too.
Balls Mahoney vs. Hardcore Holly
Holly is smiling, which puts off Tazz. Holly pounds away on Balls as Tazz sings ”deck the halls with Balls and Holly”. After a few minutes of getting beat up, Balls gives Holly the BALLS BALLS BALLS but misses the New Jersey Jam Top Rope Legdrop and Holly finishes with the Alabamma Slamma.
Winner: Hardcore Holly (Squash)
Eczema Snitsky runs in and kicks Holly. He gurns to the camera then leaves to buy some E45.
CM Punk is being interviewed by Rebecca The Unfirable until Elijah Burke interrupts and offers Punk a slot in The New Breed. Rob Van Dam drops by and says Burke can’t even spell ECW so he should stay with them. RVD knows about the alphabet, the police asked him to recite it backwards while walking a straight line.
Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke
RVD with the biggest reaction so far. But you could have guessed that. Styles and Tazz talk about how The New Breed haven’t gone through what the ECW Originals had to go through like wrestle in arenas with no heating. That’s not true, Kevin Thorn’s had load of matches on ECW on Sci-Fi that had no heat. They mat-wrestle until it’s clear RVD is a class above Burke so he kicks him a few times and they both fly outside so the two stables can stare at each other like West Side Story and we cut to break.
No adverts on my copy so I’ll mention how Roman Reigns did in the NoDQ.com polls:
When we’re back Burke has the advantage after a missed Rolling Thunder. He stretches RVD with a Surfboard and nails him with a Holly-esque dropkick. Burke has the look and some flash but it’s not all together yet. He’s being pushed as the main guy in New Breed though. Running Double Knees to RVD in the corner for a two-count and we get another submission on RVD so the crowd can chant for him, which they love doing. Double-clothesline, both men down and RVD recovers with a walking sidekick. Monkey Flip out of the corner, big-ass kick and a Split-Legged Moonsault looks like it’s won the match but Burke kicks out. Sandman and others at ringside get ready to brawl with the New Breed so they can’t interfere as the Five Star Frog Splash wins it.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (This was all RVD with a few token moves from Burke. RVD can have an acceptable match with anyone but he often out-classes the newbies so you never walk away thinking ”wow newbie looked good”, instead you go ”RVD’s really flexible isn’t he?”)
Dreamer gets on the mic and challenges all four men to a match at Wrestlemania. Sandman points at the sign so you know it’s official.
Nick Bockwinkel is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. No complaints.
Extreme Expose dance to Temperature by Sean Paul. Oh man I loved that song.
Recap of Lashley’s handshake earlier as this show struggles to fill an hour.
Steve Austin is back in ECW, sadly not dressed as The Stevester. This is the main event by the way. He soaks up the love and describes how hot Arizona is so ringside guy throws him a beer. Austin promises to be impartial during the Battle Of The Billionaires as he hypes it as only Austin can. Austin says he wants to hear from the fans about who they want to win and talks to the audience.
First guy can’t pick and is star-struck. ”It was a tough question son and you failed it.” Someone else picks McMahon. ”Huh very interesting.” Next fan says the same. Austin finds a guy called Dick and asks him to repeat his name a few times. ”If there’s one thing I hate…” Another fan answers he doesn’t care who wins, he wants to see a Stunner. ”That’s exactly what I thought.” Austin says the match will be have about two billion dollars of asshole in the ring and he guarantees a head-shave. He drinks beers to end the show. Austin’s sold the match like Jordan Belfort hyping Steve Madden IPO but everyone lapped it up because it’s Austin.
Overall: Well it’s definitely hype season and the show stuck to plugging the two related matches (Lashley/Umaga and New Breed/ECW Originals) so it did it’s job. Lashley’s segment was the highlight as it actually worked. He was pushed to fucking fuck and given everything to work but it WAS successful in terms of crowd reaction. Or maybe the crowd’s just happy because it’s Wrestlemania season. Only one way to find out if Lashleymania continues to run wild is by reading these recaps where there will hopefully be more GIFs next time.