Recap of Vince picking Umaga for the Battle of The Billionaires and Trump choosing Lashley. It made sense from a storyline perspective as Vince was messing with ECW, even though Vince’s issue was with the old guys from the original company. So I guess what I’m trying to say is Trump should have chosen The Sandman.
Tonight it’s OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE Lashley vs. Holly again. Lashley’s beaten him three consecutive times but he gets another title shot. Oh and it’s in a Steel Cage because adding Ranch to stale bread makes it edible.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Sabu (Money In The Bank Qualifier)
This is probably going to be awkward. Oh it’s Extreme Rules, thank God. Ken has a Smackdown graphic so I’m guessing the Smackdown-ECW talent exchange is official, despite no-one on this show mentioning it. Sabu goes for his mad man dive for the leg to begin and gets a rare catch. His submission doesn’t last long, probably didn’t have a game plan after catching. Sabu goes for his first springboard and it’s a back elbow but Ken grabs him and turns it into a back-drop. That was smooth. Sabu comes back with another springboard and it’s shit.
Ken takes a breather outside but Sabu follows with a dive that’s barely caught. Tazz has to say ”I think Kennedy side-stepped it” to cover. Sabu sets up a table on the outside and goes to Triple Jump to put Ken through but he rolls off so Sabu dives over the table instead. Sabu drags him in and tries for the Triple Jump Moonsault but Ken grabs his leg so Sabu goes arse over tit. Ken face-fucks Sabu in the corner for two and he brings the table in such a messy way that Tazz has to comment on THAT too. No wonder Alvarez hates this guy. Sabu attacks Ken as he blunders in so he can BUILD MOMENTUM with the table but Ken side-steps a dive (for real this time) Sabu leg-drops the table and Ken plants him with a DDT for the win.
Winner and qualifying for MITB: Mr. Kennedy (Kennedy had charisma and mic skills (when he wasn’t calling the crowd assholes constantly) but he was as sure-footed as a mountain goat here).
Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker
DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER RE-MATCH. Joey yet again reminds us Striker is a disgraced ex-teacher but doesn’t explain why or how that helps his in-ring ability or why we should care. Tazz helps by admitting he doesn’t like Striker but he admits he can get it done in the ring. Well done Tazz. Balls punches Striker for a bit before landing the top rope leg-drop quickly. Then Snitsky runs in and big kicks Balls for the DQ.
Winner: Balls Mahoney (Snitsky hears the decision for Balls so he runs back in and kicks Striker too. We’ve had a few weeks of this, he’s established as a big, pale, acne beast so let’s get him doing something more interesting than run-ins and advertising E45.)
Vince shows up and reminds us of his feud with Trump. He turns the main event into a No Mercy 64 style challenge with Lashley having to beat Holly in five minutes or Holly wins the match and title. That at least plays off of Holly’s win over CM Punk a few months ago (not mentioned by any of the commentators but I’ll allow it because who cares) and it’s a more interesting match now.
Tommy Dreamer & Rob Van Dam vs. Marcus Cor Von & Kevin Thorn
More New Breed vs. ECW Originals fun. RVD comes off the second rope with a crossbody for a quick two-count on Thorn before tagging Dreamer in and nailing a drop toe hold/leg-drop combo for another two. Dreamer tries the ten punches in the corner but Thorn pushes him off and tags in Cor Von who locks in…a chinlock. Bloody hell. Dreamer hits a Reverse DDT and both men tag out. RVD kicks everybody and plants a beautiful Split-Legged Moonsault. RVD’s usually smooth in his offence but that was like peanut butter. Rolling Thunder gets two but Cor Von interupts so Dreamer sends him outside and dives off the apron like a crazy person. Ariel tries to distract but Sandman canes her arse. Burke uses THAT distraction to crotch RVD on the top rope so Thorn lands the Elevated Neckbreaker for the win.
Winners: The New Breed (Pretty exciting match here as it was kept short but everyone got to do something interesting.)
Hardcore Holly is interviewed by Rebecca and he’s so happy about tonight he smiles like he’s thinking about Al Snow’s upside down cock.
WWE Sign Guy was on Deal Or No Deal so some of the wrestlers were there to mock him.
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards
Richards’ titantron says Steven but he’s announced as Stevie. They’re quick to start with multiple arm-drags and kicks thrown from the get-go. Stevie takes over with a neck crank and crowd gets behind Punk as Stevie wears him down with kicks to the spine. Stevie puts Punk on the top rope but gets cocky and taunts so Punk flies off with a clothesline. Punk throws a load of backfists and kicks but Stevie gets out of the Knee/Bulldog combo so Punk lifts him up for the Go To Sleep instead.
Winner: CM Punk (Formula for keeping Punk looking good is having a wrestler dominate him for a bit so he looks like Bret Hart as he makes a comeback with his ending sequence. So Stevie got to re-appear after months and look impressive before losing. Match was a fun sprint.)
The same hype video that started the show plays. The show’s an hour long, away mate.
Hype video for Batista vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania 23, which a lot of people weren’t expecting to be a MOTYC.
Extreme Expose dance to some music I’d only ever listen to if I was watching a time-filling skin-show on the C-brand from ten years ago.
Jerry Lawler is going to be the next Hall of Fame inductee. Can’t argue with that.
Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (ECW Title, Steel Cage, Lashley has to win in five minutes or he loses the title)
Lashley goes for pins straight away and wrestles urgently. He keeps on slamming him and looking at the giant clock on the titantron. There’s loud ”LET’S GO HOLLY” chants though. Hardcore tries escaping but Bobby joins him up top as Umaga’s music plays and here he comes with Armando and his IC Title. We only just catch a Top-Rope Suplexplex by Lashley because Umaga’s wrecking the announce table. We’re at 2:20 remaining and Umaga throws a chair in and Holly twats Lashley for a close near-fall which the crowd make a load of noise for. There’s a lot of Holly fans in tonight. Lashley annoys them by popping the hips and hurling Holly across the ring. Lashley goes nuts with the chair as boos ring out. Lashley taunts at ringside with Holly over his shoulder and he finishes Holly with the Running Powerslam to loud boos.
Joey Styles: ”Lashley has done the impossible and beaten Hardcore Holly in less than five minutes.”
Umaga continues to growl at ringside so Lashley stares back and I think they’re going to do the ”fade to black with both men staring” ending but HOLY SHIT AM I WRONG.
THAT is your ending.
Winner and still ECW Champ: Lashley (They’re throwing everything at Lashley now so we know he’s a big deal. This was reminiscent of old ECW because there was a lot of things happening in five minutes to distract from Lashley’s short-comings so he could have been 911 or Big Dick Dudley in there. The crowd backlash to the rocket up Lashley’s arse has started but there’s no denying that cage charge looked cool as hell.)
Overall: Un-dull episode thanks to Wrestlemania season bringing out the big guns and special stuff.