edit: well I don’t know what’s happened here but the GIFs and images aren’t showing. Bare with me.
edit 2: I’m using Chrome like I always do and I can’t see anything, ditto on Firefox. Apparently some can see this on other browsers, I’m not doing anything different than normal so I’ve no idea.
We’re in Seattle, Wa. (waaaaah?) and Lashley starts the show to a booming reaction. It’s Extreme Rules and he’s wrestling…Holly? Not Snitsky then, the guy who attacked him last week? Aye well OK then.
Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (Extreme Rules)
Holly lost last week but gained a rematch via The Test Rule. Oh wait it’s non-title, never mind. I’m leaving that Test joke in though. Slobberknocking brawling to start until they slog outside and Lashley chucks Holly with a Overhead Belly To Belly on the floor. Lashley tries to set up a table at ringside but has to keep on hitting Holly to have enough time until he finally gets it set up and Holly knocks him down and un-erects the table and puts it back under the ring. Ha! Lashley clotheslines Holly over the guard-rail Cactus Jack style but with no momentum so poor Holly goes over the top and lands on his head.
Back in, Holly counters a Running Powerslam by bouncing the back of Bobby’s head on the top rope. Lash gets crotched and we go to break.
Holly drops Lashley throat-first on a set-up chair. Lashley didn’t seem to know what was about to happen though so I think he just took it on his traps so he was OK but the chair will never work again. Holly waits for Lashley to pick up the chair and raise it so he can kick it in his face. That’s a cool spot, Holly turns into a different wrestler when it’s Extreme Rules. Chinlock sets up Holly getting thrown into a chair lodged in the corner (The Abyss Special). Lashley gives Holly a messed up clothesline to BUILD MOMENTUM. Stalling Suplex gets the crowd hyped and Lashley gets a close two count after an Over-The-Shoulder Backbreaker. Crowd actually booed the kick-out, holy shit. Lashley gets the table but Holly takes the opportunity to baseball slide Lashley. Lashley reverses an Alabama Slamma attempt to plant Holly with the Running Davey Boy Smith onto a chair for the popular win.
Winner: Lashley (Holly is great during Extreme Rules matches as he uses the weapons to win the match as opposed to popping the crowd so he can be a dick *and* whack people with shit. Lashley was super-over here which was a nice touch and his body-armour body can take whatever Holly gives him and he’s super-charged enough to bounce Holly around. Despite some slight awkwardness from the still-learning Lashley this was an entertaining match for this show.)
Another Psycho-themed Snitsky promo. Sadly for him it’s more 1998 than 1960.
Extreme Expose dance to Candy Shop by 50 Cent. Man that song was everywhere for ages. They’re eventually interrupted by Vampire and silicone.
Tazz: ”I love the upside down Vampire gimmick!”
Tommy Dreamer & Sandman vs. Kevin Thorn & Marcus Cor Von
We get a recap of Marcus fucking up Balls last week as the ECW Originals make their way through the crowd. Cor Von takes out Sandman at ringside and launches him into the ring steps. Thorn sets up Dreamer for THE POUNCE and Dreamer bonks his face on the ropes.
Match settles down after a hot minute and The New Breed take their time working over Dreamer. Styles is surprised Tazz is supporting The New Breed and Tazz explains this show needs hate and enthusiasm. He’s got a point. Hot tag to Sandman (oh great) as Hak gives Thorn a ”version of the Heinekenrana.
Marcus tries to use the cane but Sandman turns it into a White Russian Leg Sweep. As the ref is removing the cane, Thorn twats Sandman with the goth cane and pins Sandman with his shoulder up.
Winners: The New Breed (Well the first minute looked like it was going to be a Shield-level squash to show how much smarter the new guys are but then it turned into a normal match and was fine until Sandman tagged in and was his usual ”wrestles like he’s just shat himself” self. Even Tazz on commentary had to point out Sandman’s shoulders were up on the pinfall.)
CM Punk promo video. His only addiction is competition. And women and tattoos and Pepsi and comics and…
CM Punk vs. Mike Knox
Tazz points out we haven’t seen Knox in a while. He’s being very honest on this show. No mention of their feud over Kelly as Mike dominates like a large, generic hoss man. Knox gives Punk a dropkick to show he’s lost weight but Punk doesn’t care and he gives him one of those MMA kicks Punk was obsessed with during this period. High knee/Bulldog combo sets up a crossbody that misses but Punk takes him down and makes him tap with the Anaconda Vice.
Winner: CM Punk (Knox was a victim of the new creative team. And being shit.)
After the match the evil bald Snitsky attacks Punk. It’s one of those WWE beatdowns where it lasts ten seconds followed by three minutes of evil staring and replays.
Another look at the life of Lashley and if you can listen closely you can hear the show coming to a screeching halt. Look, he’s big OK?
Rob Van Dam & Sabu vs. Elijah Burke & Matt Striker
Sabu and Striker start, with Striker taking down the mad bastard with a slap. Sabu very awkwardly spring-board Tornado DDTs Striker but Matt’s a Philly veteran so he knows Sabu’s shit. Both men tag out and the crowd loves RVD. They go back and forth with much posing from Van Dam until Striker tags in and misses an elbow. RVD and Sabu double leg-drop Striker for two but Sabu gets clotheslined by Burke. Sabu gets double-teamed for a bit until Striker takes over with the foot-scrape in the corner and busts Sabu open. I still associate that move with Nick Gage, screw Samoa Joe. Sabu tags in and RVD is a house on…fuck it, this match has been by the numbers. RVD kicks everything a bunch but Striker interrupts the double-team. Sabu fucks up to the amazement of dozens and…Burke gets the pin off it.
Winners: The New Breed (Sabu just isn’t designed for normal matches. Match was acceptable until the horrible finish.)
The New Breed are all victorious like last week so they pose to end the show.
Overall: Fun Holly/Lashley match and some mixed action. Oh and un-thawed caveman Knox showed up to lose quickly. As Tazz said on commentary though, I’m glad there’s SOMETHING happening as the show needed a feud and storyline to replace Heyman’s Guys vs. Everybody. And there were lots of GIF-worthy things this week so hurrah.