Sorry about no recap last week, went up to Glasgow for ICW’s biggest ever show and due to bad management I had no time to watch an episode of a C-show from nearly ten years ago. Er I mean ”in the spirit of the original ECW I decided to take the show off the air for a week due to the controversy of er…Sandman smoking indoors. Yeah that’ll work.”
We get a recap of Vince McMahon deciding that Elijah Burke is his idea of what ECW should have as a star, not these ugly guys from a dead company. One of those moments that make you wonder if it’s supposed to be a parody of Big Show/Lashley winning the title and if it is, do they even know it’s a parody? Or maybe a Vince Loves Cock shirt is just a Vince Loves Cock shirt.
Show starts with the ECW Originals (Sandman, Sabu, Balls, Sabu, RVD) in the ring as Vince power-walks and calls them ”never has-beens.” Vince brings up their criminal records (crowd cheers) and they went to ECW because they couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Vince goes on and on about how they’re dinosaurs but warns them not to hit him because he pays their cheques. He makes matches for them (but not all of them, as he couldn’t stomach it) and leaves after getting a dig in it Donald Trump. Vince on the mic, even when he’s batting .239, is still fun to watch, plus the crowd were into defending their ECW favourites which hasn’t always been the case on this show.
Dimly-lit, psycho promo package for the now-bald and first name-less Snitsky.
Kevin Thorn vs. Tommy Dreamer
As they’re about to lock-up guest ref Matt Striker comes out and Vince is seen watching Vince watching Vince backstage.
Thorn dominates Dreamer and gets a shot in during the break-up in the corner. Striker has a go at him but that’s not actually illegal in wrestling, just boxing. We’re getting too deep for a Thorn match who knocks Dreamer down with a jawbreaker. Dreamer has the power of ECW shirts he’s taken from the backstage area and comes back with a neckbreaker and a Sky High. Striker can’t count the pin-fall as he’s tweaked his arm and as Dreamer checks up on him, Thorn clotheslines him over Striker and rolls him up for the normal-speed pin. So Dreamer lost to a literal version of a school-boy.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Like most Dreamer matches, it was simple but had a point. If it wasn’t for the vampire gimmick and a manager with enormous tits, Thorn would have been forgotten by all.)
Holly is interviewed by Rebecca ”Nicole Bass on methadone”DiPietro. Lashley said he’ll take on all-comers, and Holly is all-coming. Coming-all. Whatever.
Lashley’s school life is covered in one of those ideas that worked so well for Lex Luger in 1993 (and Roman in 2016). Hey guys, that guy with no personality is showing his baby photos on TV, let’s buy tickets.
Hardcore Holly vs. Lashley
Subdued reaction for Lashley from the crowd. He gives Holly nothing to start the match and we get the stalling suplex early on. Holly shrugs it off and Stunguns Lashley on the ropes and throws him outside. Holly introduces him to the steel steps as I wonder why they’re not mentioning Holly’s win over Punk last week. He’s not mentioned at all this episode. Two minutes pass where Holly elbows Lashley and the commentators try and make it look amazing as they show a replay. ”Fuck me, a running elbow!” Stomping and chinlocks until Holly locks in a STF of all things. Bored crowd chants for ”RVD.” After a nap, Lashley hurls Holly with an Overhead Belly To Belly and a big back drop. Holly tries a comeback but Lashley Press Slams him into a Pump Handle for the win.
Winner: Lashley (Lashley like Goldberg is best when squashing people and should only wrestle long matches with super guys like RVD to not expose his weaknesses. Holly is not that guy. Also, a Holly match without a dropkick is like Christmas without Die Hard.)
Snitsky attacks Lashley from behind and Holly joins in. Snitsky doesn’t look good in arena lights, TheWrestlingFan put it best: ”He didn’t just have bacne he had frontne too.” And he must have used a dry shaver on his beard as he’s cut in the face.
Poor frigger looks like Baron Harkonnen.
Balls Mahoney vs. Marcus Cor Von
With special guest time-keeper Matt Striker, to make sure you get the joke. Clips of Balls getting beat up by Umaga on Raw last night to explain why he’s wearing a neck brace. Hey Shane McMahon, member when people would act hurt after getting beat up the night before? No? Your Dad’s who? Oh right.
Cor Von removes Balls’ brace and beats him up for a bit before THE POUNCE. That gets a TNA chant as Cor Von mixes it up and strangles Balls with a Cobra Clutch until Striker rings the bell.
Winner: Marcus Cor Von (Unleaded squash. Striker being the time-keeper didn’t make much sense as Balls was wrecked without him, but whatever we’re not making Othello here.)
Extreme Expose with bouncing titties and asses which you won’t see on The Blog Of Doom (which is just building hype for the Scott Keith Butt Bongo PPV this Christmas) and Striker interrupts to introduce guest Commentator Cor Von, Timekeeper Thorn and Ring Announcer Matt Striker. Do you get it yet? Oh and if anyone interferes in the match, they’re fired.
Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke
We gets intros then advert so we join the match in progress. RVD connects with a jackhammer for two and in a nice bit of coincidence, the ref is Brad Armstrong future evil Ref for The Authority. Burke dunks RVD on the top rope so RVD can do the Fly The Fuck Off The Apron bit. We see Vince watching TV backstage again, he’s been in that position the whole show? Even Vince can’t get a chair to watch it like a normal person. Or a bike like Meltzer. Burke takes RVD’s trademark bits and Cor Von is good on commentary, saying RVD was innovative back then but this is now. RVD finishes with the Five Star Frog Splash but the bell rings. Ref tells them no, he didn’t call for the ring bell and as he’s distracted, Burke hits RVD low. Cor Von: ”I think RVD tripped over his feet.” Small package, Burke wins.
Winner: Elijah Burke (DO YOU GET IT YET)
The New Breed jump RVD but the match is over so the Originals run in with weapons to save the day as we fade to black.
Overall: All angle episode so if you’re looking for great wrestling this isn’t the place. The show continues to be more interesting as a snapshot of 2007 and showing the gradual change from ECW to NXT.
See you next week, here’s Cactus Jack killing Sandman.
