Recap of Sabu attacking Big Show from last week. Paul Heyman tells us ECW is his life but tonight Dr. Frankenstein is going to kill his creation as he’s going to wrestle Sabu. At least he got the right Frankenstein for the analogy.
We’re in Reading, Pennsylvania and your commentators are Joey Styles (Rick Moranis) & Tazz (Deep Roy).
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly
It’s not that match, sorry. Holly attacked Rob Van Dam with a chair last week in his debut so RVD immediately attacks to show how mad he is. He then starts doing things like the splits and monkey flips to really show his anger. Things return to normal as RVD plants Holly with the spin-kick off the apron. Back in, Holly tries to deliver an Alabama Slam but RVD holds onto the ropes so Holly tosses him over instead. Nice counter. The Greatest Dropkick In Wrestling only gets two.
Not much happens for a bit as they go punch-punch, pose-pose until RVD starts throwing his kicks and follows with Rolling Thunder. RVD goes on top but misses the Five Star. Holly tries to hit RVD with a chair but he misses as RVD takes the opportunity to get it and twat Holly for the DQ.
Winner via DQ: Hardcore Holly (The quality of RVD’s matches are decided on how good the other wrestler is at working around him getting his trademark convoluted stuff in. Holly let him get his shit out of the way then dropkicked him, so this was decent. I’m fine with RVD being A REAL MAN and getting his revenge too).
RVD still doesn’t care and he twats Holly some more until Holly flies over the guard-rail and bleeds next to a kid.
René Duprée is using an Exercise Bike and says he’s going to be the most extreme wrestler to blah blah so the guy in the comments doesn’t have to ask about how he’s looking here’s a screencap.
Big Show is here. On Raw he’s been attacking D-X for The McMahons to set up the Hell In A Cell match at Unforgiven so Show challenges D-X to come to ECW for a warm-up. And that’s it. Like a shit-rapper, ECW loved guest stars.
Adverts: Girls Gone Wild DVDs. The guy who made those is in prison right? *googles* Oh, he currently has an arrest warrant and has been sued a lot of times but no prison. Not yet. Didn’t know he was responsible for the Banned From TV release too, he was a predecessor to Live Leak.
Shannon Moore is backstage still. The cameraman zooms in and he says ”Fight the power.” These segments have gone from silly to really fucking silly.
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards
Crowd loves Punk and he smiles at the reaction, knowing people will be talking about him years after he’s wrestled. They go chop for chop until Stevie goes outside and Punk follows with a dive. Stevie tries to take the advantage but Punk has a dropkick that’s 0.7 Holly and counters a backdrop to a Double Underhook Suplex Into A Backbreaker for two. Stevie ducks some fancy kicks but can’t take control and Punk wins with a Rock Bottom-into-a-Koji Clutch.
Winner: CM Punk (These matches are doing wonders for Punk as there’s little doubt he’s going to win against these ex-ECW big names but they make him fight for it and the crowd likes a fighter.)
Sneak peak of The Marine. Aaaaand we fast forward.
Matt Striker is here as an evil teacher. Striker on commentary for ECW on Sci-Fi, Lucha Underground and indies: Great. Striker on commentary for Raw or Smackdown: Horrible. I don’t think much of the evil teacher gimmick as it’s incredibly basic ”I don’t like the things you like so boo me.” He says Sandman has been drinking too much giggle water. Sandman comes out looking for said giggle water so he can try it and attacks Striker. However Striker arms himself like Macaulay Culkin and beats up Sandman with staples and a chalk board. He does a runner but sadly doesn’t shout ”class dismissed!” on his way out.
Balls Mahoney is about to tell us why he’s called Balls but Kelly Kelly walks in asking if he’s seen Mike Knox. He says no so she shows him her wobbly bits.
Tazz: ”It’s always the good looking guys that get the chicks!”
In a surprising moment, Styles & Tazz talk about Kurt Angle’s accomplishments…and announce that for ”for a variety of personal reasons” Angle was given a release from his contract. They say he’ll be missed but hopefully they’ll see him in a ring again. Last time I can remember a wrestler being mentioned as leaving on air like that was Vince talking about Macho Man leaving in 1994. Interesting.
Paul Heyman vs. Sabu (EXTREEEME Rules)
I’ve been following every ECW episode and don’t worry this is random to me too. Heyman’s been a pro-Show crazy guy but his feud’s been mostly with Tommy Dreamer so I’m going to take a wild guess and say Angle was supposed to do something here and they’re taking a page out of Heyman’s own book and having a random-as-hell match so you’re too distracted to notice Angle’s absence.
Heyman’s wearing a workout suit. Bell rings and the black security team attack Sabu. Sabu fends them off with armdrags (!) and a chair. Sabu goes to dive at Heyman but Sabu sees Show waddling out so he switches and dives to the outside and plants him with a DDT instead. The security team hold Sabu so Show can dismantle him. Now Sabu’s out, Heyman joins in with some fat slaps. ”I made you Sabu!” And I fired you in 1995! Highlight of the match is Heyman getting Sabu’s blood on his hands causing him to jump about, happy as a pig in shit. Sabu tries to fight back but SHOW IS BIG. Show goes to toss Sabu through a table but RVD shows up to save. Took your time, mate. Show gets a Van Daminator and the security team get dove on//dived on/whatever. Heyman tries to wake up Show so Sabu gives him an Arabian Facebuster. They try to put Heyman through a table but Hardcore Holly shows up and gives RVD the Alabama Slamma through the table.
Show gives Sabu the sleeper-into-a-backbreaker-into-a-standing-leg-drop like he’s King from Tekken and oh that’s enough for Heyman to pin Sabu. Huh.
Winner: Paul Heyman (More angle than match, was dull for the first half but picked up when Holly & RVD arrived.)
Show puts Sabu through another table with a chokeslam just to be a sweaty hog. Big Show maniacally crotch chops Sabu as we go off the air.
Overall: Holly and RVD have good chemistry, Punk continues to look impressive and Sabu and Show continue to hurl shit at each other. These are small highlights on a mostly directionless show though but hey at least there was no Kevin Thorn.