Tonight, ECW is honoured to present the annual Big Show vs. Kane match. There’s been more guest stars in the last few weeks of ECW than Cannonball Run.
We’re in Detroit, Michigan and the hosts are Joey Styles (nerdy scientist) and Tazz (the thing the nerdy scientist turns into when he’s bitten by a radioactive orange).
We’re wasting no time as Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly are in the ring with no intro. He plays a montage of Kelly stripping and Knox tells her never to take her clothes off again and shows the replay of Sandman KO’ing her with the cane last week. Knox tells Kelly that he did this deliberately and he didn’t run away oh no he was getting medical help. Knox’s mic skills and timid sounding voice don’t help this storyline but even Jack Nicholson would struggle with this.
The Sandman vs. Mike Knox
It’s a normal match so the ref has to grab Sandman’s cane from him and while he’s protesting, Knox gets him. They punch each other a bit until Sandman manages to Side Russian Suplex Knox so he can grab his cane. Kelly protects Knox from a cane shot and then Test runs in to give Sandman a TKO for the DQ.
Winner by DQ: The Sandman (The best thing I can say about this is they put all the crap together in one match).
Test & Knox walk and talk backstage and Test honestly sounds like he’s trying to spit out his tongue as he talks and Knox is his mild translator. Dreamer attacks both of them with a trash can as security grab him.
Sabu wants Heyman to give him The Big Show. Heyman says no, reminding Sabu that BIG SHOW IS SEVEN FOOT TALL AND WEIGHS FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS. Heyman gives Sabu the night off (A NIGHT WHICH IS 12 HOURS LONG AND CAN REACH TEMPERATURES OF TEN DEGREE CELSIUS) and walks past Little Guido tying his shoes and has security beat him up. Then he gives him a match, right after these words…
My copy has adverts so I’m treated to Stan Lee hyping ECW on Sci-Fi and then segue-waying into a plug for Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, a reality TV show that made me want to watch more ECW.
Adverts summed up: The American remake of Pulse (10% on Rotten Tomatoes), BK Stacker burgers being made by midgets, X-Games 12 (”they have heart”), Tag bodyspray (sadly no Lita), John Madden plugging quick-actin’ Tinactin and Accepted (35% on Rotten Tomatoes) the film with Jonah Hill in a hot dog costume. I didn’t want to eat or watch anything that was shown.
CM Punk is still cutting promos backstage, now with the now-standard shaky cam™ so only some of his face is in shot. He was born in Chicago and raised on the streets. Punk’s trying to make his voice sound as gnarly as possible, like he’s Going-Through-A-Phase-Wolverine. The audio was off here, maybe the mic was attached to the camera they were swinging around. He makes his debut next week.
The Vampire With No Name is in the ring as Guido is dragged in by security.
Count Oh-Look It’s Mordecai vs. Little Guido
Sadly Vampire wrestles like Test and it’s all stomp stomp stare menacingly stomp. Crowd’s so quiet Tazz & Styles are forced to shout ”OH!!!” over his moves. Vampire gets a cool-looking rope-assisted neckbreaker which would have been a nice finish but carries on and finally ends the match with a crucifix powerbomb. Don’t know why, the neckbreaker looked way cooler.
Winner: No-name-sferatu (A guy with no name needs to give a guy half his size who’s just been beat up three big moves to pin him? Aye OK. Match was rough.)
Off-topic: I didn’t know Guido was a derogative term until I watched The Sopranos. Bit awkward.
Promo package for Kane being EXTREEEME. Lots of fire and laughter.
Adverts for Alien Abduction, Talladega Nights, Dish Network, Gamefly’s game rental service and Helmet’s new album Monochrome. These aren’t the same without Stan Lee plugging ECW.
Shannon Moore is now THE REJECT but he’s still stuck backstage staring at a camera.
Balls Mahoney vs. Justin Credible
Tazz is happy to see Balls and keeps on going on about balls and being ballsy etc. You get the idea. Styles brings up Balls being barred from competing and teaching amateur wrestling for punching the ref in a freestyle tournament. Styles leaves out the bit where Balls broke the back of the guy he was wrestling. Grim story, but no wonder he fit into ECW so well. Balls takes Justin out of the ring with a leg lariat but Credible takes over with three leg-drops and his weird flying DDT. Credible dominates the match until the crowd realise they’re supposed to be shouting BALLS. Credible takes over and crotches himself on the ring-post (that’s his ”Flair going to the top rope” move) but Balls accidentally hits the ref. This allows Justin to get a chair but Balls gets it from him and nails him. Ref sees it and DQ’s him. Balls tries to argue with the ref that Justin brought it in the ring but the ref has none of it so he hits him (but doesn’t cripple Credible).
Winner by DQ: Justin Credible (Balls’ facial expressions and body language made this memorable. Well, that and the chair shots. And being called Balls.)
Tazz: ”Balls Mahoney is one-of-a-kind and that’s a good thing.”
Big Show is annoyed Heyman won’t let him wrestle Sabu. Not as annoyed as the fans who watched their eventual match.
Great American Bash 2006 gets recapped, the one where Lashley, Khali and Super Crazy were pulled for ”elevated enzymes of the liver” which definitely wasn’t steroids, oh no. So the Khali-specialist Punjabi Prison match was switched to Undertaker vs. Big Show.
Next week Kurt Angle returns! The show has missed him.
Big Show vs. Kane (ECW Title, EXTREEEME Rules)
No reason given for why Kane is here but it’d probably be awkward if they openly went ”well all the good ones are suspended.” Show sends Kane outside but Kane sends Show into the ring-post and gets the plunder as we go to break.
Adverts are dull but the Diabeetus with Wilford Brimley was featured so this is one of the best ECW episodes.
Back to the match as Kane gives Big Show his Jump Off The Top Rope And Land On My Feet Then Give You A Clothesline. Show shrugs it off and pushes Kane through a chair in the corner. Show goes for a Vader Bomb but Kane hits him in the dick and back suplexes him off the top. Kane recovers before trying for a pin so he only gets a one-count which I approve of. They go punch-for-punch with Kane getting the advantage but he tries for a chokeslam which Show turns into his own chokeslam. It only gets two because there’s tables to break. Show sets them up at ringside as Styles reminds us of the tag titles both men have won together. Show tries a suplex to the outside but Kane twats him with chairs until Show falls like the statue of Saddam through the tables.
Heyman checks on Show who’s bleeding. Kane goes for another top-rope clothesline but Show turns it into a chokeslam which Kane turns into a DDT. But before Kane can get the pin, Heyman drags the ref out. Kane drags Heyman into the ring so Show capitalizes and smacks Kane with another chair and ends it with a chokeslam on the chair.
Winner: Big Show (Decent main event here but weird they’ve spent the last few weeks making Show look Ric Flair & Undertaker’s equal but now he needs Heyman’s help to beat Kane. It had enough chairs, tables and blood to keep me entertained but I’m never going to re-watch it.)
Show looks like he’s going to smack Kane with another chair-shot but Sabu shows up and flies into the fucker.
Show looks angry and bloody as Sabu poses and walks off.
Overall: They’re building Sabu vs. Show pretty well, which is a shame as the match was bollocks. This episode went through segments a lot quicker than usual so the smell of Test didn’t reach have time to reach your nose. Rest was the show was so dead they should have sent a canary down to check it first, but we get Angle and Punk next week so who gives a fuck.
Highlight: Wilford Brimley