Last time out, Alex was given the axe for having no knowledge of anything wrestling-related. Not even the time Hogan slammed Andre at WrestleMania III, brother. Meanwhile, WWE mercilessly teased its audience with blood and guts violence by practically feeding its cast to a bunch of lazy alligators in the middle of a Florida swamp. Who will be eliminated tonight? Will Chris Jericho care about being on the show? WILL WE GET TO SEE MORE OF PAIGE’S NEW “ASSETS”??? Let’s find out…
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Renee and Jericho are the hosts. They talk about how much their clothing matches. (DANIELLE: Jericho’s wearing a shirt and tie and Renee’s wearing a Rorshach Test. Rock on.) They introduce Hogan, Bryan and Paige.
We go over the rules…and it’s on to…
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
Patrick is ready to go this week — and he’s got his sights on Tanner. Sara Lee says she’s ready to show some “personality”. So, Sara Lee suddenly has a tight black dress, stylish hair, make-up and nose ring. Tanner: “I’d marry you.” (DANIELLE: OOOOO! SCHMOOOOVE overdrive…) Dianna’s pissed that everyone’s gunning for her. So she’s had it — and she’s leaving. Ok, then. She has her husband pick her up at 2 AM.
The next day…
Billy Gunn wakes everyone up with a siren. They all go jogging. Gunn taunts Sara for “not standing out.” He gathers them around and tells them that two contestants are gone and one just quit. All the girls act shocked — and then start talking shit. Amanda says that she’s the “last blonde standing”. (DANIELLE: “Blonde”? You’re boxing that shit, honey. You’re about a real blonde as I am a real red.)
They enter a big room and it’s a prop house full of costumes and props. Also, Seth Rollins is here with his title belt. (DANIELLE: Ambrose is probably the next guest wrestler — and they’ll reveal that they didn’t invite him. He just showed up because he wanted to.) He says that they all need a character the WWE Universe can invest in. They need to find that character if they want to move on. Gunn holds up two top hats. In these hats are cards. Each card has a character. They have to blindly pick a card out of the hat. Gunn invites Josh up to pick his. (DANIELLE: SLUTTY CHEERLEADER! MAKE HIM PICK A SLUTTY CHEERLEADER!) Josh chooses “a British Brawler” while Giorgia picks a “bitchy boss”. (DANIELLE: WWE Creative’s like, “You’ve never seen characters like these before, folks!”)
To round it out:
- Amanda – Barbie doll (DANIELLE: ALL the women are fucking Barbie dolls!)
- Mada – King of the Ring (DANIELLE: That’s a PPV, not a character…but, ok.)
- Daria – Fallen angel (DANIELLE: A Barbie with wings.)
- Tanner – Stud muffin (DANIELLE: Not vague at ALL.)
- ZZ – American hero (DANIELLE: Hulk Hogan’s like “fuck this, I’m out of here, brother.”)
- Sara Lee – (DANIELLE: “WASTE OF SPACE!”) Queen of Mean (DANIELLE: How’s that different from “Bitchy Boss”?!)
- Patrick – (DANIELLE: “Red shirt! I got red shir–HEY!!!”) Evil intellect
- Gabi – Farmer’s daughter (DANIELLE: Maybe she can seductively milk a cow…I dunno.)
Lita wants them to pick out props and costumes to make their characters come to life. They have one hour.
Sara begins picking out a bunch of crowns. Josh is having trouble defining what a “stud muffin” looks like. Seth Rollins walks around with his belt on his shoulder and starts asking the contestants what they think their characters would wear. Josh has no idea while ZZ picks out a flag cape. He approaches Amanda and calls her a Barbie Doll. He says he “sees no toughness”…then moves uncomfortably close to her and says, “I wanna hate you.” (DANIELLE: He forgot to put the word “fuck” in between “hate” and “you”, I think.) Patrick doesn’t know how to make “evil intellect” come to life. Rollins wants to know why he wants to wear hologram shorts. Rollins leaves them all because, time’s up. (DANIELLE: “Gotta go. Gotta take and send more dick pictures…”)
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Jericho and Young report on Dianna leaving. Paige calls her a “waste of time” and says she “forgot her name already”. Bryan says she lacked passion. Hogan says he wanted to “vote her off” and makes a tasteless “Princess Dianna” joke.
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
Everyone wants Sarah Lee to go first. She comes out looking like a low-rent Paige. Gunn, Booker and Lita are unimpressed. Sara says she’s gonna just let her attitude speak for her. Also, she carries a crown. But she doesn’t wear it. Gunn: “What are you feeling?” Sara Lee: *Giggles* “Mean!” (DANIELLE: “What are you feeling?” “Mew.” Jesus, even a cat’s tougher than that.) Sara Lee declares herself “Queen Jade who grew up in a small town”.
Josh is next and he’s “Bronson”, a “British Brawler”. He wears a tank top and slacks with shoes. (DANIELLE: He’s a brawler because he took his shirt off?! He had like 154 costumes back there. Is this the best he could do?) He declares himself “Bronson, the British Brawler” in a terrible British accent. (DANIELLE: And everything was going so well…) It amuses Gunn. Patrick doesn’t agree.
Daria is wearing a white fir coat and has a matching fur halo. She actually says she wanted to have her character “fall” on the way to the ring. (DANIELLE: Between “Bronson” and physical self-injury, WWE’s legal team must be on standby.) She does fall. It’s actually pretty cute. Booker calls it “rushed” and “doesn’t know why she disrobed”. (DANIELLE: No Diva has ever done something like that.) Patrick hates it.
Tanner is a “stud muffin”, wearing a plaid best and tight jeans with boots. He fucks up his ring rope entrance. Patrick hates it because he’s evil…EVIL!!! Tanner’s done.
Gabi is a “Farmer’s daughter, in tight jean shorts and long lace stockings with a small plaid vest. She strips on the way to the ring. Gunn pretends he doesn’t really like her stripping — but Patrick’s ready to “do some plowing”.
Patrick is an “evil intellect”. He enters the ring with John Lennon sunglasses, black leather pants…and Lita’s cute little puppy dog. Gunn likes the presentation. Mada calls him a brown-noser for using Lita’s dog.
Amanda is a Barbie Doll. She looks like Hooker Pageant Barbie. Gabi calls her fake in every single regard. ZZ says that Patrick had a dog but Amanda “brought the puppies”. Gunn’s not complaining.
Mada is an Egyptian Pharaoh/King. He does nothing and says nothing and looks like he just threw up backstage. Gunn creams his pants over this and Patrick just LOVES it!!!
Giorgia is a “bitchy boss” and comes out in a slutty pant-suit. Gunn and company also love this. Amanda says that Giorgia wasn’t anything compared to her.
ZZ is “An American Hero”. Try to keep up: American Peacock Headress, American sequin best, red boxers with white stars and an American Beanie Baby. Booker holds in laughter as he walks to the ring all stiff. He does hip thrusts inside the ring which just make it worse. His penis bulges out of his shorts and Sara Lee is enchanted, saying she “couldn’t stop looking at his package”. (DANIELLE: I bet that’s the first time ZZ’s heard that from a woman.) He’s “American Zane”. Gunn laughs and calls it ridiculous. Gunn says it’s insulting to his intelligence. ZZ argues. Gunn tells him that his mind isn’t changed. Booker asks what happens if he stands up next to Randy Orton. (DANIELLE: ZZ’s gonna reach the mid-card?)
Lita picks the guy’s winner: Patrick
The lady’s winner is: Giorgia
Patrick is “in control”. He says he controls the pace. Gunn says that, despite this, somebody WILL go home tonight.
ZZ’s depressed. He asks Tanner what an “American Hero” is? Tanner says that “it varies”. ZZ says he “takes his goofs seriously” and says he doesn’t do stupid things. He says he’s not a “goof”. He doesn’t “get mad” he “gets misunderstood”. (DANIELLE: Well…at least he’s got a possible catchphrase down.) Josh and Tanner tell ZZ that he’s making excuses. ZZ says they just don’t “get him”.
Meanwhile, Gabi and Sara Lee are totally BFF’s now, like OMG! Gabi calls Daria “Diarrhea”. They shit-talk about her. They make a pact about stuff and it’s back to the men.
Patrick and Tanner fight. They threaten each other. Tanner says he kicks ass. Patrick says that he WON the last competition. They shove and start fighting. (DANIELLE: More action than an episode of RAW!) The producers split everyone up.
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
The contestants are here. Jericho says he’s fired up now and wants to fight. We get our remaining contestants. Renee points out that Amanda and Gabi shit-talk on Twitter, so join Twitter to read it, assholes.
Daniel Bryan says that Tanner can’t fight. Tanner: “We can’t punch.” Bryan calls up Sara Lee and wants her to talk about ZZ’s package. Paige gives Giorgia a ring-name: “Hooker T. Hogan practically hits on Amanda and wants Amanda to describe ZZ’s penis. ZZ’s had about enough of it all and looks legit irritated. Jericho stops the line of thought. (DANIELLE: Wait! They haven’t asked Daria what she thinks of ZZ’s package!)
The Bottom Three are chosen:
- Daniel Bryan: Daria – her entrance in the character competition sucked.
- Paige: Sara Lee – She didn’t bring it during the competition — even if Sara thinks she did
- Hogan: ZZ – ZZ is a character without the clothes — but he doesn’t perform well.
The Bottom Three get to do their ring entrances again.
Sara Lee goes first. She walks, then strips her coat. Then walks around some more. And walks. And walks. None of the judges are impressed.
ZZ is next. He’s asked about his package again. ZZ’s not happy. Daria: “I share a room with him.” She laughs. ZZ says he’s here to make people laugh and get saved. He says he wants to save people by making them laugh because that’s America. Paige likes his penis. Hogan’s “borderline”.
Daria comes to the ring and strips her coat. She has red underneath. Then she walks. Yay. Bryan calls this “better”. Paige says she no longer has “narcolepsy”.
- Daria – She has legitmacy. She can kick anyone’s ass.
- ZZ – He likes making people laugh because that’s the type of guy he is. He looks at his own character through a child’s eye.
- Sara Lee – She’s not the best. She isn’t giving up. She’s totally goofy. She’s so going home…
Who is going home?
Amanda thinks it’s gonna be Sara Lee. Mada agrees and everyone else falls in line.
Judges aren’t using their saves…
GOING HOME: Daria
That’s a shocker. And she’s stunned and on the verge of tears. The audience’s soul dies. ZZ, by the way, had the most votes to stay.
And we roll on to next week. A better show this week. Possibly, the best of the season so far.