Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap – 4/27/2015

• Another shitty Divas match where, suddenly, we’re supposed to care
  about Nikki (even though she’s a heel) or Naomi (who’s suddenly a heel
  because…she wears glowing tennis shoes which are evil as fuck, I
  guess) in a match that’s a placeholder until Paige returns. 

• Lucha Dragons? Over with the crowd, everyone seems to love them. Nope. Oh, and those guys who used
  to be tag champs, who were far more talented and who everyone loved?
  Fuck them, too. NEEEEW DAY for some reason. At least they didn’t get the
  titles off a distraction roll-up. Oh, wait. Yes, they did.
• A Chicago Street Fight that spilled out on the streets — except we
  never saw that bit because WWE thought it would please the fans more to
  have Ambrose and Harper drive off in a car and vanish for a half hour.
  And, by the way, anyone care to explain how the car returned without so
  much as a scratch on it? Weren’t they fighting in it the whole way?
  Shouldn’t the car be totaled and/or beat up? Goldust vs. Piper, this was
  not.

• Cena and Rusev’s “chain match”. When I think “chain match” and
  “extreme rules”, I think of dudes beating the fuck out of each other with a fucking chain.
  Not running around, trying to tag turnbuckles while chained to one
  another like they’re contestants on MXC. What pretentious crap.
• Sheamus vs. Ziggler. Dolph wins. Ziggler kisses Sheamus’s “arse”,
  anyhow. It’s bad enough that we even had this match in the first place
  (along with Lawler’s vomit-inducing pontification in which he wondered,
  aloud, if either guy had “washed their asses” prior to the match, which
  was so awful, he shut himself up), WWE couldn’t even follow
  through with the stipulation. This just confirms my suspicions that the
  match only existed for the purpose of seeing how many times WWE’s
  various announcers and on-mic staff could say the word “arse” in a given
  amount of time.
   
• And speaking of stips that didn’t matter, a Steel Cage match that
  was designed to keep The Authority out…but didn’t. With the added
  stipulation that the RKO was banned…but we saw it twice. And
  what was supposed to happen if the RKO was used? Wasn’t it a “No-DQ”
  Steel Cage match? Then how do you DQ somebody for breaking a rule? We
  all know Rollins will either play the semantics card and say that Randy wasn’t allowed to use it. Either that, or he’ll claim to have hit a Diamond Cutter and not
  the RKO. Honestly, I’m not putting anything past Creative at this
  point. At least not since Kane asked us to imagine a dark, ominous world
  where El Torito was WWE World Champion a couple weeks back. What, you
  think that wasn’t a threat?

So, we did watch the same show. Just checking. The same one where Reigns and Show actually turned out to be the best match on the card? Yep. Sounds like the same show to me.

Is this what it’s come to? We look up at all that and say, “Eh…acceptable”?

Readers
wonder why I watch the show. I watch it because it’s been better than
this…and because I write for this and two other blogs and they expect
some sort of output concerning the subject. I know most of you know that
what we’re being given is aggravating as it is frustrating. I also know
that most of you know it’s hard to admit that what you’re watching
sucks “arse”, if I may.

BTW…if Bray Wyatt acknowledges that Bo Dallas is his brother, as has been rumored, just remember who the fuck suggested that shit.

Let’s go…

We get a video montage of King of the Ring, a tournament that’s SO important, it took a five-year hiatus!

We are LIVE(!!!) from Green Bay, Wisconsin!!!

JBL, Cole and Booker are the guys on the mics.

Cole gives us our KOTR ladder:

• Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett
• R-Truth vs. Stardust
• Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus
• Neville vs. Luke Harper 

Seth Rollins leads us off, followed to the ring by J&J
Security and Kane. Everyone is friends despite Kane chokeslamming the
shit out of all three guys he’s standing next to. Rollins says that
Orton learned what everyone has known for a long time: you cannot
outsmart Seth Rollins. He built and destroyed The Shield and he cashed
in the MITB case at the right time to become champ. He’s a fighting
champion, a valiant champion. The crowd tries a “WHAT” chant and, also,
“YOU SUCK”. But, hey, they graduated from “YOU SOLD OUT”, so that’s
good. Rollins takes all credit for his win. Kane looks incredulous.
Rollins says he hit an “SKO OUT OF NOWHERE”, much to the amusement of
his kiss-ass security guys. Most of all, he’d like to thank Kane for
being the “Crypt Keeper”. He stutters and says he didn’t mean to say
that. Kane isn’t a “relic”. Rollins says he did a good job guarding
stuff.

Kane isn’t happy and says, without him,
Orton would be champion — especially since Rollins cheated and used the
banned RKO to win the match. And there’s WWE’s giant middle finger to
the fans. They exchange un-pleasantries — until Orton shows up at the
top of the ramp.

Orton points out that even Kane says
that Rollins cheated to win last night — so that means that Orton
should get another shot at the title. Orton appeals to Kane — who says
that Orton has a point.

Reigns interrupts for more
talking, walking down the first and only deck of this tiny little WCW
Saturday Night-sized arena. Rollins wants to know why Reigns is out
here. Reigns says that Rollins is missing his “giant” — and that’s
because he put him through a table and dumped another table on top of
him. He says it’s HIS turn to get a title shot. Crowd’s not happy about
that. Rollins does a sarcastic cheer and says that both Reigns and Orton
lost to him — so neither guy deserves a shot at the title.

Kane
clears his throat to interrupt. He says that both Orton and Reigns make
compelling arguments. So, hold on a second, playa! Tonight, it’s
Rollins and Kane vs. Orton and Reigns — and the fans will decide who
Rollins defends the title against at Payback.

Kane’s music hits and I’m half-hoping the REAL Kane comes out to trash everyone involved with this mess of an opening segment.

NEXT: Ziggler vs. Barrett in the first match of the KOTR tourney.

MATCH #1: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
Ziggler
attacks but Barrett trips him up, kicking Ziggler in the legs. He beats
Ziggler in the corner, then hits a running elbow off the ropes. He
drops an elbow and stomps at Ziggler and whips him into the ropes.
Ziggler kicks Barrett and dropkicks him. Barrett rolls out of the ring.
After a break, Barrett has Ziggler in a headlock. Ziggler breaks and
fights back with clotheslines and a Stinger Splash in the corner.Barrett
catches Ziggler in mid-air on a follow up but Ziggler rolls him up for
two. Barrett goes for the Fireman’s Carry of Doom but Ziggler counters
into a DDT for two. Barrett comes back, slinging Ziggler into the
corner, then hits the Wasteland. Two count. He misses a Bullhammer and
Ziggler counters with a Superkick. Close two count. Sheamus shows up in,
what I’m sure, is the first of many screwjob finishes. He yells at
Ziggler to remember last night when Ziggler kissed some “arse”.
Distraction. Bullhammer. Done at 8:17.
WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
RATING:
**. Nothing special, plus it’s really getting hard to rate matches
positively when they’re interrupted with loads of commercials.

Sheamus grins as he realizes that his mission is accomplished.

TONIGHT: The tag team match with Kane and Rollins vs. Reigns and Orton

NEXT: The New Day.

The
New Day are out, feeling great. Nobody cares until Woods declares them
champs and thanks all his “clappers”. Woods tries to transform “NEW DAY
SUCKS” into “NEW DAY ROCKS” but the crowd isn’t buying it.

MATCH #2: Big E (w/ Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Cesaro & Natalya)
Initial
back and forth sees Kidd kicking E in the head and hitting a
Springboard Missile Dropkick. E bails from the ring. Kidd chases and
kicks E in the face. He tosses E back in and runs at him. E hits a weak
clothesline — and WINS?! Are you fucking serious? Wow. Talk about your
major falls from grace. Time was 1:21.
WINNER: Big E
RATING:
DUD. I’d say that this was a squash and shouldn’t count but seeing as
though these guys were major competitors and opponents as of just last fucking night, that’s just complete bullshit.

LAST NIGHT: Cena and Rusev played Slap the Turnbuckles and Rusev lost. ‘Murica!

AT PAYBACK: John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship because Russian Chain Matches don’t solve anything.

TONIGHT: Cena invites another mid-carder to job to him.

NEXT: Ryback in action. 


When we come back, Bo Dallas is introduced as Ryback’s opponent. Dallas
says that Ryback’s actions at Extreme Rules were “reprehensible”. He
calls the Wisconsin fans “cheeseheads” and says that Ryback can walk
away right now in order to clear his name.

MATCH #3: Ryback vs. Bo Dallas
Ryback
mandhandles Dallas. Dallas trips him up and beats on him, laying the
ring’s side matte over him. Headlock by Dallas. Ryback breaks. Dallas
goes to a buckle and flies at Ryback, who catches him in a Spinebuster.
Ryback hits a Meathook and Shell Shock to complete the squash at 2:17.
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: n/a – squash

Bray
Wyatt’s video edit hits and the arena goes dark. Another edit and
Bray’s standing behind Ryback. Ryback turns and runs at Bray, who
catches him and hits Sister Abigail in one deft move. He does the Raven
as we go to commercial.

NEXT: Cena wants somebody to beat him. Please?

John
Cena’s out to yack a bit. Cena says he beat Rusev last night and the
CHAMP IS HERE — just in case anyone missed Extreme Rules. He calls the
chain match “brutal” when it was anything but. He says that Lana somehow
got another match out of The Authority. Then he basically says that
Rusev has a “pimp hand”. Nobody reacts. Cena says that he “kids” about
spousal abuse. Anyhow, he’ll never surrender and all that. You’d think
that would be it but, no. Cena hits the cheap pop with a Vince Lombardi
reference. The challenge is open and the person taking the bait challenge is:

Heath Slater. I need more fuckin’ wine. This beer isn’t doing shit.

What’s
more? SLATER WANTS TO FUCKING TALK. Slater says he’s going to take
advantage of a “crushed John Cena”…yet, if Slater wins here, it would not surprise
me. He says he’s better than Aaron Rodgers. Rusev comes in out of
nowhere and knocks Slater down, then Superkicks him…soooo, we’re not
having the match then?

Lana shows up and SHE has a mic.
Rusev grabs the mic and tells her to back off and go backstage. She
does. Crowd wants Lana as Rusev screams at everyone and tells them that
they’re all quitters. At Payback, Cena will quit, too. After Payback,
he’ll be saying “I Quit”. Oh, and there’s the Russian flag.

Backstage,
Kane’s pacing. Rollins shows up and he wants “clarification” about the
“fan decision”. Kane says it’s gonna be the WWE App that settles
everything. Rollins asks if Kane’s out of his mind. Kane gets in
Rollins’ face. Rollins says that Triple H and Steph will have something
to say about this. Kane says that Rollins carries himself like he’s “the
man”. Kane says that he thought Rollins could handle himself, no matter
what. The choices are:

• Randy Orton
• Roman Reigns
• Or both at the same time

Rollins yells some more.

MATCH #4: R-Truth vs. Stardust (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
Truth
hits a quick flipping cover for a one count. Star comes back with some
stomps, then kicks Truth in the head. Two count. Star kicks Truth in the
head after laying down. Star claws at Truth’s face and yanks at his
arm. Truth breaks but Star tosses Truth to the ring and does a
cartwheel. BOOKER: “What was that?” COLE: “Cartwheel.” BOOKER: “I know
that, but, WHY?!” Star yells at the crowd. Truth hits a kick to the
Star’s head. Two count. Star hits a Russian Legsweep. Two count. Counter
pins for a couple two counts. Star goes for the Disaster Kick but Truth
counters with the Lie Detector — and wins?! What alternate universe am
I in here?
WINNER: R-Truth via Lie Detector at 3:14
RATING:
1/4*, if that. Look, I get that the mid-card is supposed to be
supporting the show but don’t give me raw cookie dough and tell me that
this is fully cooked.

STILL TO COME: The big tag match

MATCH #5: Adam Rose (w/ Rosebuds) vs. Fandango
Some
running around and Fandango hits a dropkick. Rose bails from the ring,
then trips Fandango when he chases. Rose gets back in and chokes
Fandango on the middle rope. Rose taunts the crowd with the Fandango.
Fandango hits chops and tosses Rose from the ring. He hits a NICE
flipping splash, nailing Rose and landing on his feet. Impressive. Oh,
but, Rosa’s there to distract Fandango so that Rose can hit the Party
Foul and win the match at 1:49. Right when you thought Fandango had
escaped this bullshit and started to climb the ladder back into
contention. Here we go again.
WINNER: Adam Rose via Party Foul
RATING: DUD. Are you surprised?

Post-match, Rosa taunts Fandango, drifting around some sort of pseduo-accent. She makes out with Adam Rose.

Renee
Young is backstage with Brie Bella. Brie talks up Daniel Bryan and how
he would compete at anytime. WWE cares about Daniel Bryan. Naomi shows
up and pops Brie in the mouth, then declares that WWE doesn’t care about
Brie or Bryan. Mm-k.

MATCH #6: Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Naomi
Brie
hits a couple presses and the two women yank at each other’s hair.
Naomi comes back with a forearm, then stomps at Brie. She bulldogs Brie
into the buckle and hits a backbreaker. Two count. Naomi chews gum as
her evil  LED SHOES OF DOOM change color. What is this gimmick supposed
to be anyhow? Naomi hits a Legdrop and covers for two. Chinlock of Doom
is put on. Bie finally breaks and tosses Naomi into the corner. Brie and
Naomi fly at each other and do…something. Both women are down. They
get up. Brie hits a clothesline and dropkick, followed by a knee to the
gut. Brie hits a knee to the face and missile dropkick. Two count. Naomi
elbows Brie in the jaw and rolls her up for the win at 3:37.
WINNER: Naomi
RATING: 1/2 a *. At least it was short.

STILL TO COME: The tag team match.

ALSO: Vote for the main event at Payback.

Dean Ambrose is out for a match as Cole reminds us that Harper and Ambrose stole a car last night.

MATCH #7: Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
The Kiss Me Arse match is over and I’m still
hearing the word “arse” about six times too many. Ambrose and Sheamus
exchange lock-ups and headlocks and holds and, finally, Sheamus hits a
shoulderblock. Ambrose tries to trip Sheamus and ends up putting Sheamus
into a leglock. He locks Sheamus into an armlock but Sheamus fights
out. Sheamus hits an uppercut. The two trade shots until Ambrose puts
Sheamus into the corner, clotheslining him. Ambrose tries a Bulldog but
Sheamus counters it. Ambrose knocks Sheamus out of the ring and tries
for the Flying Psycho but Sheamus evades that. After a break, Ambrose
breaks a headlock, but Sheamus hits a knee to the gut. Sheamus taunts
Ambrose with kicks to his head. Finally, Ambrose manages to hit the
Rebound Clothesline, but both men are down. After getting up, it’s a
fistfight with Ambrose getting the best of it. Sheamus finally grabs
Ambrose and slams him to the mat. Sheamus calls for the Brogue but
misses. Ambrose rolls him up at two.

Sheamus rushes
Ambrose, but Ambrose sidesteps and Sheamus leaves the ring. Ambrose hits
the Flying Psycho, then tosses Sheamus back into the ring. Ambrose goes
top rope but Sheamus evades, then grabs Ambrose for a shoulderbreaker
for two. Sheamus goes for White Noise but Ambrose counters. Two count.
Sheamus hits the Cloverleaf — but Ambrose forces a break. Ambrose is
outside the ring ropes. Sheamus goes for the Ten Beats but Ambrose
fights out and drops Sheamus’s neck on the top rope. Ambrose hits a nice
elbow off the top rope, NEARLY getting the fall. Sheamus rolls out of
the ring and Ambrose chases. The two men fight outside with Ambrose
killing Sheamus with ringpost shots. Sheamus hits the Brogue. So Ziggler
suddenly shows up to attack Sheamus, sending him to the next round at
12:34, which makes no fucking sense, but that’s par for the course as of
late.
WINNER: Sheamus via DQ
RATING: **3/4. Would have been *** if it wasn’t for the ill-timed DQ spot.

Post-match, Ambrose is furious.

TONIGHT: The big tag match.

ALSO: Vote for the Payback main event.

Damien
Sandow is in the ring. He goes into old school Sandow mode and begs the
crowd’s indulgence. He says he’s not gonna lie to anyone. He came out
here in a blue bathrobe and that ended badly. He was told he wasn’t
“entertaining”. That’s when he started to imitate people. He settled
into Miz-dow. That caused him much disrespect and, ironically, respect
with the WWE Universe. He thanks the fans for their support and says
that, without them, he wouldn’t be there today. He asks what’s
next…and Curtis Axel shows up.

Aaaaand, he has a mic.
He insults Sandow for trying to be somebody else. Axel imitates Hogan.
Miz-dow imitates Axel imitating Hogan, then imitates Axel. The crowd is
amused by all of this. Axel tells Sandow to leave the “Axe-man’s ring”.
Sandow imitates that, too. Boy, this went south quick. Axel attacks.
Sandow fights back and then does the Hogan “ear” move. He goes for the
Atomic Legdrop but does the People’s Elbow instead.

ON SMACKDOWN: Cesaro and Kidd take on The New Day for the WWE Tag Team Championship in a rematch.

Bray Wyatt does a needless promo, seeing as though we already know who he attacked.

THIS WEEK: WWE Network has stuff that nobody in their right mind would watch.

ALSO: Dweebs send in their videos, hoping to be Tough Enough hopefuls.

MATCH #8: Neville vs. Luke Harper (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
Neville
hits a nice Hurricarana to throw Harper from the ring. About 37
counters later, Neville hits a nice Frankensteiner. Neville goes for a
dropkick but Harper blocks it and covers for a two count. After a four
minute break, Harper is in control which is broken. Neville tosses
Harper out of the ring but rushes back in. Neville evades his boot in
the corner and hits a Springboard Moonsault, tosses Harper back in the
ring and gets two following a Standing Shooting Star Press. Harper takes
over again and goes for the Sitting Powerbomb but Neville counters into
a German Suplex in stride. Neville tries a Frankensteiner but Harper
counters with the Sitting Powerbomb for two. Harper picks Neville up but
Neville fights back with a punch to the face. Harper beats Neville in
the corner. He puts Neville on the top buckle but Neville fights out and
kicks Harper in the face. Neville hits a nice Super Powerbomb and hits
the Red Arrow for the win at 10:12.
WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow
RATING: ***. Good match.

TOMORROW ON THE KING OF THE RING SPECIAL:

• Bad News Barrett takes on R-Truth
• Sheamus takes on Neville

PLEASE VOTE: The Main Event at Payback

MATCH
#9: Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Kane & WWE World Heavyweight
Champion Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey
Mercury)
Reigns and Rollins start. Several arm bars and
counters later, Rollins is taken down and he rolls outside the ring.
Rollins gets back in and Reigns hits a Tilt-a-Whirl Slam. Orton tags in
and drops Rollins on the top rope.After some stomping, Reigns
tags back in, putting Rollins on his shoulders. Rollins escapes and
bails, tagging in Kane. Reigns drops Kane to the mat.  Orton tags in and
Kane beats on him, then drags him to the heel corner. Rollins tags in,
stomping at Orton. Rollins dumps Orton to the outside of the ring. After
a break, Rollins has Orton in a headlock. Orton fights out but Rollins
clotheslines him to take him down for two. Rollins picks Orton up and
clotheslines him a couple times. Kane applauds because their friends
again. Orton comes back with a belly to belly suplex. Hot tags on both
sides. Reigns takes Kane down with clotheslines and ten punches in the
corner. Clothesline off the top rope. Samoan Drop to Rollins who tries
to run interference.

The fight spills outside and Kane
regains control, shoving Reigns into the ringpost. Both men get back
into the ring. Kane whips Reigns into the buckle and tags Rollins.
Rollins stomps at Reigns. Reigns fights back but Rollins hits a kick and
Reigns goes down. Two count. Tag to Kane. Sidewalk Slam for two. Bear
Hug but Reigns breaks. Kane kicks him down. Two count. Tag to Rollins.
Mudhole stomps. Tag to Kane and him and Reigns trade shots. Hot tag to
Rollins who nails Reigns and tries to splash him in the corner. Reigns
evades, slams Rollins to the mat and it’s a hot tag to Orton. Orton
misses the first powerslam but hits the second one. Kane comes in and
tries to Chokeslam Reigns. Reigns breaks it and dispatches Kane. Reigns
hits a Superman Punch on Joey Mercury. All hell breaks loose with Orton
hitting the Elevated DDT on Rollins. Orton goes for the RKO but Rollins
rolls him up for two. Orton gets up but Rollins hits a kick to Orton’s
head. Everyone ends up outside except for Rollins. Rollins leaps at
everyone and hits J&J and Kane. J&J involve themselves. Kane
beats up J&J and then uppercuts Rollins, rolling him back into the
ring. Reigns hits a Superman Punch and Orton finishes Rollins with an
RKO to win this thing a 18:40.
WINNERS: Randy Orton & Roman Reigns
RATING:
***. The main flaw was that the match didn’t need to be anywhere near
20 minutes long. There is a nice satisfaction, however, of Rollins
eating an RKO to end this thing.

Post-match, Kane reveals that Rollins will face:

Randy Orton & Roman Reigns in a Triple Threat Match. Surprise. 

Rollins is not happy. Reigns hits a Spear on Rollins. Everyone goes home happy as we go off the air.

OVERALL:
**1/4. Not a bad show. The first half of this thing was junk but it
recovered which is ironic, since RAW never seems to do that. The thing
that’s missing is that each episode doesn’t appear to be “about”
something. It has no personality past being a bunch of matches with a
couple marquee bouts. 

Er, that’s it.