This has nothing to do with the WWE
BoD Tag Team Title Match
Midcard Mafia vs. Upper Midcard Express (Champions)
After a year of driving around in a Toyota Yaris they can barely afford and staying at the Red Roof Inn without the free WiFi, because they are poor. Piers is back in action and this time with Magoonie as Steve Ferrari, his regular partner has been stuck in heavy traffic after spending a grueling two weeks covering the Albany Medical Center 6th Floor Surgical Unit Connect Four Tournament. And the match starts with the Midcard Mafia going right after their enemies. They clear the ring of the UMX as the crowd goes wild. As the UMX regroup, Piers and Magoonie fly out with topes and take them down. They are now pummeling the UMX as the months of pent up anger are being unleashed. Piers, who was taken out of action by these men, is now going after the knee of kbjone. The action heads back inside as the Midcard Mafia works over kbjone. Petuka then cheapshots Piers behind the referee’s back. kbjone tags as the UMX are now in control. kbjone is choking out Piers behind the referee’s back and after Ferrari finally gets off of his phone he runs over and backs kbjone off. Petuka hits a shinbreaker then tags kbjone, who grapevines the leg. Magoonie rallies the crowd behind his partner, who is in agony. Petuka tags and hits a backbreaker and looks to set up for the………………………PETUKA BAZOOKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He picks up Piers, who floats over then ducks a clothesline before hitting a jumping back elbow smash as both men are down. Piers slowly moves closer to his corner and extends his arm for a tag but kbjone runs in and boots Magoonie off of the apron then drags Piers to the middle of the ring. As the referee backs kbjone to his corner, Magoonie quickly pops up and trips up Petuka as he is now down again. Both men meet as they struggle to reach their partners. Petuka tries a punch but that gets blocked as Piers hits him with a forearm smash. They slug it out briefly until Piers hits a wheelbarrow suplex and both men are down again. The crowd is cheering for Piers as he uses everything he has and makes the tag. Magoonie slingshots into the ring and runs wild on the UMX. He uses backdrops, clotheslines, and dropkicks. The crowd is going nuts as Magoonie sends kbjone to the floor. Piers now climbs up on the top rope and flies out with a senton!!!!!!! In the ring, Petuka digs into his trunks to pull out a foreign object. Magoonie does not see that and heads over to him then gets decked. Magoonie might be out cold. Petuka now looks to be setting up Magoonie for the PETUKA BAZOOKA!!!!!!!!! He picks him up but Piers gets in the ring after making a blind tag to break that up. Piers now fires away on Petuka. He whips him against the ropes but that gets reversed and Piers gets kneed by kbjone from the apron. The UMX are now looking to set up Piers for the slingshot suplex. They hit the move but Magoonie stops that in midair. Piers is down as Magoonie leaps with a forearm that Petuka ducks but nails kbjone as they both spill outside. In the ring, Petuka signals once again for the Petuka Bazooka as the crowd is almost deflated. He picks up Piers and looks to hit the move but Pier counters with a victory roll! The referee gets down on the mat and counts…………..one…………….two………………………THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MIDCARD MAFIA HAVE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MIDCARD MAFIA ARE THE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Magoonie gets to his feet and celebrates with his partner as the crowd gives them a well deserved standing ovation.
Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer tries to get a word in with the newest team in the BoD, Marv Cresto & Art Vandelay, now known as Streaming Options. As Wade asks them about what they think about the show they sit there and discuss “It’s Always Sunny……” instead of the show at hand. Wade tries to ask and they just switch the topic to “Parks and Recs” as Wade opts for his iPad to watch the NJPW Network as all three men are streaming shows on portable devices.
As the Midcard Mafia celebrate backstage, Steve Ferrari comes in as he was back from assignment. Piers & Magoonie let him know they won as he is shocked and appears to be bit irritated but instead joins in on the celebration.
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Abeyance vs. Jobber (Champion)
Jobber, who has spent the past month training on a diet consisting of marijuana, cocaine, and oxycontin, gets carried out Weekend at Bernie’s style by both Zanatude and Stuart Chartock. Abeyance comes out solo, which is what you expect from a man with 40,000 posts. Jobber channels Shane Douglas to start as he pukes on the mat. Chartock gives him a sip from a bottle with what ace reporter Wade Michael Meltzer describes as Bud Ice. Wow. Abeyance starts off the match looking at an ungodly hungover Jobber on the mat. He then goes to work as he pins him for a two count. Abeyance seems tentative to hurt our strung-out champion. Zanatude and Chartock start taunting Abeyance for his act of kindness as Jobber rolls himself out to the floor. As Chartock distracts the referee, Zanatude trips up Abeyance then denies the act. He stalls Abeyance as Jobber ever so slowly crawls back inside and knocks down Abeyance from behind. Jobber looks to have a bit more spring in his step and I think its due to a gimmick or two. Hell, who are we kidding, its about five. Jobber stomps on Abeyance then rolls him outside and distracts the ref so Chartock and Zanatude can inflict more punishment. They roll Abeyance inside as Jobber immediately covers for two. Jobber then hits Abeyance with a gutbuster as he is warming up. Jobber then beats on Abeyance in the corner before he tosses him down. Jobber gets up on the middle rope and drops an elbow for a nearfall. Zanatude is dope-slaping Abeyance while Jobber starts laughing. Jobber nonchalantly heads over to Abeyance as he places him on the top turnbuckle. He take his time as the Job Mob start laughing then tries to climb up but Abeyance kicks him! Jobber goes back up and gets sent back down. The crowd gets into the match as Abeyance is powering up. Zanatude and Chartock get up on the apron and Abeyance takes them both down!!!!!! Jobber gets back up and charges but Abeyance sidesteps that as Jobber rams the post. Abeyance then shoves Jobber through the ropes! The Job Mob are all on the floor as Abeyance looks at the crowd then runs and dives outside to take out all three men with a plancha!!!!!! Look out!!!!! Guns don’t kill people, ABEYANCE KILLS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He rolls Jobber back inside and starts wailing away. The Job Mob are out on the floor as Abeyance has taken control of the match. He picks up the champ and hits a brainbuster that gets two. Chartock and Zanatude are up now and try to distract the ref but it doesnt work as Abeyance runs over and chases them away. Jobber tries to get up but Abeyance sends him right down with a Mafia Kick. Abeyance is setting up Jobber for the Zig Zag now as the crowd goes nuts. As this happens, Zanatude slides something to Jobber from the Job Mob Gimmick Bag (available on BoD Shopzone) as the camera zooms in on a bullet that is most likely filled with Cocaine. Chartock starts yelling at Abeyance as Jobber snorts teh contents in the bullet and peps right up! Abeyance finally goes back over to Jobber but gets hit with a low blow that the ref missed due to Zanatude mocking him with the Six-Man Titles. Jobber then picks up Abeyance and hits the Razor’s Edge and covers for the win. God Damnit, Abeyance was robbed! ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now, the BoD Rumble Danimal Report with your host, Danimal Crossing:
“Hey bros, loving the positive vibes tonight. Next is the big 30 man BoD Rumble match. Havent been this excited since my Hot Dogs and Dynamite luncheon. I blew up a ton of shit that night. Speaking of blowing up, my mailman Gus has been calling me all day telling me who will win the match. I am not going to spoil that because it is fun and the winner is not a cocksucker. Go watch it!!!!”
30 Man BoD Rumble Match
And here it is, folks. Lets see who drew the first two numbers. At #1 is…………Parallax. Wow, if anyone has a chance to go the distance, it is probably him. And at #2 is…………………………Curtis Williams, one half of Curtzerker. Parallax does not look pleased and when does he anyway? He welcomes Williams with a kick to the face then shoves him down and measures for the curbstomp but Williams avoids that. He then whips Parallax but that gets reversed and Williams gets bounced back with a clothesline as the buzzer signals the #3 entrant, “Mr. WCW” Chris F-B. This entrance was brought to you by the December 21 ,1996 edition of “WCW Saturday Night.” Then again, what isn’t in the BoD? Parallax welcomes Mr. WCW with a kneelift as he destroys him in the corner. Williams chop blocks Parallax. He goes to work on him as the #4 entrant is……………….The Brazilian Kid. The youngster comes in and starts trading blows with Mr. WCW. Williams charges at Parallax but gets backdropped over the ropes and onto the floor as has become the first elimination. Parallax now goes over to the other two entrants and starts beating the shit out of them. The buzzer sounds off as #5 is Hoss!! Uh, oh. Hoss’s freezer gauge busted and his ice cream has melted, making him even angrier than usual. Hoss enters and immediately chokeslams everyone. Hoss then picks up TBK and tosses him to the floor as he is now eliminated. Hoss then picks up Mr. WCW and yells “FUCK WCW, I WANT ICE CREAM” before picking him up and dumping him outside. The buzzer goes off again as #6 entrant is……………………………….The Berzerker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The HUSS! section is going out of their minds as Biff Kensington III is at a loss as the last two men in his stable are standing in the ring. Hoss is angry that someone is getting attention without offering any ice cream as The Berzerker looks over at him and yells “HUSS!!!!!!!” Hoss looks angry and points at his chest and yells “HOSS!!!!!!!” The non-HUSS!! Section start to chant with Hoss as the arena has broken into a dueling HUSS/HOSS chant!!!!!!!!! This ends when the #7 entrant, Kaptain Kiwi, comes to the ring. Parallax gets up and throws a forearm at Hoss as BKIII yells at The Berzerker to intervene but he just yells “HUSS” while staring at the HUSS section. Kiwi also joins in with Parallax as they work together to team up on Hoss. #8 is Joe Dust as he also joins in on the attack on Hoss, who finally has the help from The Berzerker. #9 is kbjone, fresh off of losing the Tag Team Championship. He does not look happy as he heads after Kaptain Kiwi. Parallax and Hoss are beating on each other as they continue their feud. #10 is……………………………………..Paul Meekin!!!!!! Sir Meeks-A-Lot makes his return to the BoD and goes right after Parallax.
Lots of brawling as #11 Mar Solo comes flying out on a jet plane made of caffeine!!!!!! He runs around and pumps his fist as he is literally too fast for anyone to catch right now. Kiwi and Joe Dust are in the corner brawling as Solo tries repeatedly to give them a leaping high-five. Parallax breaks free from Hoss then the #12 entrant is announced and awwwwwwwwwww shit………Ladies and Gentleman, let me welcome you all to the Left Coast Leg-Spreader, the Social Assassin and CEO of Fat Buff, here is the man the myth, Caliber Winfield!!!!!!!! The BoD faithful boo as Winfield comes into the ring and stares down Meekin!!!!!! They get closer and closer but then smile as they both waddle run over and both take out the Berzerker. Good god, who books shit like this? Dumping the hot act in the middle of the match? kbjone and Mar Solo are going at it as is Parallax and Joe Dust. Hoss has Kaptain Kiwi halfway out of the ring as #13 comes in and that is The Top Canadian of the BoD, PrimeTime Ten. He runs in and immediately dumps Joe Dust. He then prouldy boasts how he is god’s gift to Canada. Caliber and Meekin are teaming up and head after Parallax. They both toss Parallax into the corner and set up for an Avalanche but Meekin rams into the corner then gets tossed by Parallax. Caliber heads over to Lax but Hoss gets up and hits him in the face, then yells at Caliber for hurting his ice cream eatin’ hand and promptly hits him with the Pants-Shitter before clotheslining him over the top rope. #14 comes out and that is John Petuka. He immediately comes in and teams up with his partner as they work over Kaptain Kiwi. Petuka now tries to grab Mar Solo but he is too amped up on coffee to sit still. #15 comes out and its Bill Ray, the crown jewel of the Administration. The UMX have just eliminated Mar Solo, whose caffeine high has seemingly worn off. The UMX now target Kiwi as Petuka holds him up for a super kick but Kiwi ducked as kbjone accidentally drills his partner with a kick so vicious that it eliminates Petuka from the match. He is pissed as he yells at his partner and as that happens, Kiwi tosses kbjone over the top rope as the UMX are now arguing on the floor. #16 comes out and that is The Fuj. He comes in and get jumped by Hoss and PrimeTime Ten. They beat on the Fuj, who fights right back. He battles them both as #17 comes out and is the C-List Champion himself, DBSM, accompanied by Jamiroquai and the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters.” Bill Ray has Kiwi on the apron but gets hit. Kiwi tries to come back in but PrimeTime knocks him off and takes him out of the match. As PrimeTime once again gloats about being the pride of Canada, the buzzer for #18 goes off but no one comes out. Everyone is confused as the lights dim and the spotlight shines on the table that holds 116 trophies as peeking out from behind is Mister E Mahn. I didnt know timekeeper’s could wrestle? Apprentice timekeeper Blake Littlehand fills in but is too excited and now breathing into a paper bag while sitting on the floor. Mahn goes in and targets PrimeTime, the man who angers him by proclaiming that he is the pride of Canada. Mahn fires away and takes him down. He goes after Bill Ray and gives him a dropkick. PTT catches him from behind and whips him in the corner. He charges but Mahn catches him with a back elbow then clotheslines him over the top rope and eliminates him!!!!!! PTT is outraged as the crowd taunts him. #19 is Andy PG and he heads after Bill Ray. Hoss and Parallax are going at in again. Parallax is on the top rope and tries for a curb stomp but gets caught by Hoss. Parallax is almost over the top rope but is able to land on the apron. DBSM tries to kick him off but that fails as The Fuj tosses DBSM to the floor as Harvey Grant escorts him to the back. #20 is out now and it is…………….Cultstatus. He immediately goes after Fuj as they brawl. Ray and Andy stay at it as Mahn and Hoss are going at it. Hoss needs an ice cream break about now. Parallax is on the apron as he slides beneath the legs of Hoss. Parallax has been in the match the whole time and shows no sign of slowing down.
At #21 is GM Bayless. He comes in and immediately tosses Mister E Mahn. Hoss is still up and pissed as Cult is wailing away. Parallax now comes over and even teams up with Cult to try to rid of the big man. Now, Fuj comes over as all three men eliminate Hoss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BKIII is out if his mind as Hoss starts tossing around the 1,566 lbs stairs. #22 enters as Big Dirty Murph runs out to the ring. He goes after Parallax, who fights right back. Fuj breaks that up and shoves Murph…….then turns and boots Parallax right in the face. Murph then pulls out a bottle as he now hands it to Fuj, who smashes it over the head of Parallax!!!! I know the hatred Fuj and Lax have runs deep but why is he teaming up with Murph here? Fuj smirks then Murph comes over and they both eliminate Parallax. #23 is up next and that is WWF1987. He goes right after Cultstatus, who was laughing at the elimination of Parallax. Bill Ray and Andy PG are against the ropes as GM Bayless runs over and dumps them both!!!!!#24 is Jef Vinson and he comes out to go right after Murph. Fuj and Cult resume their beef as GM Bayless tells Ray that he is sorry. Bayless and WWF1987 are facing off as #25 is announced and it is……….Adam Curry. He runs right after Murph and just pummels him. The crowd goes nuts as medical personnel attend to Parallax, who pushes them out of the way. White Coat Security run down and form a wall so Lax cannot interfere as Cult flips him off from the ring. #26 comes out and it is the Midwest Mauler himself, Biscuit! As he comes in, GM Bayless dumps WWF1987. Murph tries to eliminate Curry but that backfires and he gets dumped himself. Curry is standing there from behind but GM Bayless runs over and dumps him over the top rope. The buzzer for #27 sounds as the arena goes dark. When the light comes back on everyone is down on the mat with the exception of the GM. A table is set up outside as the Riverdale Covenant have surrounded the ring, lead by Robert Davis. The GM looks mortified as they have surrounded the ring. The lights go back on again as Archie Stackhouse is in the ring!!!!!!! GM Bayless backs up into the corner. Bayless then slides underneath the bottom rope and attempts to run away but gets caught by the Covenant. Archie then steps over the top rope and eliminates himself as he does not care about winning, only inflicting pain. The other competitors start to get up and as #28 enters and it is Hart Killer 09. Bayless gets caught as Stackhouse goes over to him. He lunges forward but a fan in a hood jumps the railing and nails Stackhouse in the face with a fireball!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! Stackhouse is down as the Covenant take care of their leader. The fan unmasks and it is……………………………JESSE BAKER!!!!!!!!!!! My god!!!!!!!!!!!! Bayless looks shocked then heads back inside right before #29 enters and it is Matt Indeed. Fuj just tossed Adam Curry from the match, who then gets attacked by the Job Mob. Kyle Warne and cabspaitnedyellow come out to even the score as the final entrant at #30 is revealed as “Marvelous” Matt Perri. Indeed takes up too much time removing his windbreaker and that allows Cultstatus to eliminate him. Biscuit goes after the Fuj and he gets dumped. Hart Killer and Perri team up against Vinson but that backfires and they both get tossed as the Final Four has been set.
Bayless and Cult team up and attack Vinson until Fuj makes the save. Bayless and Vinson go back at it again as Bayless nearly has him over the top rope. Vinson fights back as Bayless charges and almost gets dumped but is able to skin the cat. Bayless then tries to take out Vinson with a headscissors but that gets blocked. Cult and Fuj trade chops then after missing a corner splash, Cult nearly gets tossed by the Fuj. GM Bayless heads over and dropkicks Cult and that sends him over the top rope as we are down to three guys. Bayless is left standing but a bandaged Archie Stackhouse has come down the aisle, with the GM unaware. Stackhouse is in the ring then the GM turns around and looks mortified. The blood oozes out of the bandaged face of Stackhouse, who picks up Bayless and places him up top. He then picks Bayless up on his shoulders and turns around as he signals towards the table outside of the ring!!!!! DEAR GOD DO NOT DO THIS !!!!!! DO NOT DO THIS!!!!! Stackhouse hoists up the GM then flies outside as he puts the GM Through the table with a sitout powerbomb!!!!! EMT’s rush out as the match is down to two guys: Fuj and Vinson. Fuj starts aggressively chopping Vinson in the corner. Fuj slams him down then starts stomping away as he is one elimination away from winning a title shot at BoD Mania. Vinson is able to roll away from a leg drop as the GM and Stackhouse are carried away on a stretcher. Vinson fights back as he and the Fuj fight back and forth. Fuj floats over on a TKO attempt but gets caught with a kick then clotheslined over the ropes but lands on the apron. Fuj is on the apron as Vinson throws a punch but that is ducked as Fuj now yanks Vinson over the ropes as he is hanging by his two hands. Fuj goes to kick Vinson, who swings back up on the apron then sweeps the legs of the Fuj as he falls to the floor as JEF VINSON WILL BE GOING TO BoD MANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuj kicks a chair on the floor then looks at Vinson. He heads back over and looks mad but instead raises his hand as Vinson celebrates as he is one step closer to becoming the BoD World Heavyweight Championship.