Looks like Beau James still had some crap left to scrap off the bottom of September’s Fall Spectacular. Let’s head into this with all the enthusiasm of a Jake Booth squash match!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
November 8th, 2014
This is the Dirty Fat Boy, and Mountain Empire, this is your wrestling!
This week we are once again hosted by Dakota Booth, who has move up from the White Trash haircut to the Perennial High School Jock haircut. Dakota appears to have doubled his dose of Xanax this week, which is probably for the best. We’ve got two more big matches from the Fall Spectacular, as well as some outdated news on the upcoming Thanksgiving Extravaganza, so let’s get at it already.
The Iron Cross vs Shawn Cruise
For once we get to see a match from the very beginning! There’s no graphics this week, and there’s about a dozen different ways to spell Shaun Cruz, so I’ll just keep making stabs in the dark and hope that one of them is right.
Iron Cross extends his hand, which Cruze refuses to shake, effectively establishing the face/heel dynamic. I believe this was the opening match on the show, and as y’all know by now, you can’t get a Southern States Wrestling show started without a god-damned armbar.
Joe Wheeler says that Iron Cross is “always happy to share his testimony with you and help lead folks to The Good Lord.” Is he the most whitebread babyface in the history of the industry or what? They trade armbars for a minute until Crooze gains control with a headlock. Iron Cross complains to the ref that his mask was pulled. Is that actually illegal? Joe Wheeler thinks so. As Shone takes Cross over with the headlock, it appears that he is actually laughing over how hokey this match is.
Cross immediately reverses into a headscissors, that Kruise breaks with a foot on the ropes. We’re two minutes into the match with almost no exertion by either man. I fear that God is punishing me for my earlier blasphemy by forcing me to watch these two in a sixty minute Broadway.
As Sean stalls outside the ring, Iron Cross does Wrestling 101 by clapping his hands to receive support, and the crowd does Crowd 101 by clapping along.
Joe Wheeler: “This is like a game of chess, you’ve got to be thinking two or three heads amove.” Man, Wheeler just did not give a shit at this show.
More armbar reversals AND AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT BY IRON CROSS! But he doesn’t even go for the pin, going back to the armbar instead. YOU FOOL!!!
Crews gets to the rope, then does Heel 101 by claiming that Cross pulled his crew cut, and the crowd does Crowd 101 by booing him. What the hell did Beau James do to this crowd to make them respond with such North Korean precision?
Some crisscrossing leads to a hiptoss by Cross. I bet that 90% of people training to be wrestlers will at some point run through this exact match, move for move. It’s about as basic as it could possibly get. Bodyslam by Cross gets two. Cruss backs off, asks for a handshake, and uses the diversion to land a poke to the eye. Cruus gets to punchin’, but Cross punches back.
Kruise throws Iron Cross into the far corner, then charges and flies chin first into Cross’s elbow, which works about as well as you’d expect. Big backdrop by Iron Cross launches the referee standing on the opposite side of the ring two feet into the air. Vertical suplex by Cross, and dare I say that this match has finally shifted into second gear?
But alas, like Beau James in bed, it ends just when it starts getting good. Qruz reverses a whip into the ropes, but Cross ducks a clothesline and comes back with a Thesz Press for the pin.
Winner at 5:00 via Dick To The Gut, The Iron Cross. 3/4*
Bland, and extremely basic, but they didn’t fuck anything up. Definitely an improvement over what Southern States Wrestling usually has to offer.
Although Dakota is back to tell us about purchasing tickets for the Thanksgiving Extravaganza at the Kingsport Civic Auditorium, earlier this week the following cryptic message was posted to the SSW Facebook site:
To make sure that we would be able to have both Holiday Events (Thanksgiving and Christmas) we have made an agreement with the city of Kingsport. The Holiday events will be held Weds. Nov 26 and Christmas Night at The Kingsport Farmer’s Market.
I have no idea if that’s a good or bad thing. Can any of my readers out in Kingsport tell me about the Farmer’s Market venue vis a vis the Civic Auditorium?
When we come back, we will look and hear from our Television Champion, Scott Sterling!
After the usual Bible Thumping, Unnamed Marketing Drivel, Dr. Tom Pritchard Plug, and advertising a wrestling show in the wrong fucking building, Dakota Booth thanks everyone for bringing food to the Grey TV taping from which no footage could be taped, then introduces for the 42nd time the footage from last Christmas that started the Cripplers/James family feud, before we get another interview from the TV Champion. Sterling tells Beau James that he has “some kind of guts”. When talking about these two guys, I don’t know whether to take that literally or figuratively. He’s coming for Beau on Thansgiving Eve, and he’d better eat some turkey in advance, because he’s stuffing him that night!
Next Joe Wheeler is standing by with the NEW Southern Heavyweight Champion Wolfie D! Wolfie tries to retcon a standing feud with Dr. Tom Pritchard laying out PG-13 over 20 years ago. It’s jarring hearing an actual wrestler with big time experience give a promo…nobody will ever mistake Wolfie D for one of the great promo talents of all time, but he sounds light years advanced over the Sterling crap we just listened to. He’s coming back to Kingsport on Thanksgiving Eve, and he’ll take on anyone!
Coming up: the brawl for the Southern States Wrestling Streetfighting Championship!
After Jake Booth’s promo from last week is recycled, we cut to the Streetfighting Brawl in progress.
Battle Royal for the Southern States Wrestling Streetfighting Championship
I recognize Chic White and Equalizer Krunch of The Death Riders, Bobo Brown, and Iron Cross, but not the other two schmucks in the ring. This was originally advertised as an Weapons Battle Royal open to anyone of any gender, but I only see six guys and no weapons in use.
Everyone is just kind of doing their thing, and it’s really hard to call this match. Joe Wheeler wisely points out that The Death Riders are the only tag team in the ring, so he wouldn’t be surprised to see those two standing alone in the end. One of the anonymous guys, who Joe Wheeler doesn’t even know (big surprise there) dumps Iron Cross out of the ring, then gets dumped immediately after by Chic.
So our Final Four are The Death Riders, Bobo Brown, and the Blond Anonymous Guy, and Joe doesn’t know who he is either. The Death Riders team up to dump The Notorius B.A.G., then turn their sights onto Bobo Brown. Brown holds his own with some headbutts, because he’s a black guy. Equalizer Krunch nails a DDT, and a referee comes in to count the three count, as this is apparently an Over The Top Rope Unless You’re Too Fat And Green To Physically Go Over Battle Royal.
The Death Riders celebrate their apparent victory, but the referee and the ring announcer all say that there must be a single winner. Both guys seem apprehensive, but then Krunch yells out “This is what me and Chic do when we can’t find anyone TO fight!” Krunch extends his hand to Chic, then extends the other hand clubbering across his back. Chic comes back and covers for a one count, and it seems that there are three referees covering this match. SSW must be rolling in the dough to employ three referees for a single match.
Krunch works over his partner’s leg for a bit before Chic escapes with a rake to the eyes. Chic whips Krunch into the far ropes, but Krunch just stops and holds on. Chic makes a mad dash and throws himself over the top rope (Krunch was five feet away, holding the rope down an inch or so), and Equalizer Krunch wins the cash prize and the gold knucks that stands in as the SSW Streetfighting Championship.
Winner in about 4:30 via Suspension of Disbelief, and NEW SSW Streetfighting Champion, Equalizer Krunch. -**
I don’t rate battle royales, but I’ll give them one negative star for each anonymous guy that nobody can bother to identify.
And rest easy, Death Rider fans, for Chic and Krunch make up after the match.
“Joe Wheeler” has arrived at the home of Krunch, though we never see him nor hear his voice. Krunch opens the door and is quite angry over being kept waiting for two hours. Krunch gives Jake Booth credit for coming a long way in two years. He hears that Jake wants to challenge him for his streetfighting championship, but Jake doesn’t understand that that’s what Krunch lives for.
Krunch is about to finish when somebody in the background, possibly his kid or his old lady, starts making a ruckus. Krunch interupts his interview, heads back into his house, and beats the shit out of somebody with a leather strap.
…man, it don’t get more redneck than this…
Anyway, Jake should eat his Thanksgiving Dinner on Thanksgiving Eve, because he may not be able to eat the night after his whooping. I’d take him seriously…guy beats his own family like that, imagine what he’d do to somebody that he’s not related to.
Next week they reveal the entire Thanksgiving Extravaganza card, then try to figure out how to pad another 25 minutes of the show. Googly-eyed Robert Gibson tells us that that was our wrestling, and we’re out!
Tune in next week, or Krunch will beat the shit out of your baby sister!