AndyPG is a good guy. Let me start by saying that. He and I had a talk about stuff on Facebook and we traded our likes and dislikes about Hell in a Cell. He likes what we’re seeing. I’m “whatever” at this point.
Look, whether you like or hate the current product/regime, we all agree on one thing: after taking several chair shots, Ambrose pretending to be afraid of Obi-Wyatt Kenobi was beyond ridiculous. It was Paul Bearer with a Flashlight Urn ridiculous. Papashango making Warrior puke ridiculous. The end of the match was ridiculous.
But I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself.
Please excuse my bullshit. How are you? You good? That’s cool. I’m in for AndyPG this week and he’ll be in for me, doing Main Event, tomorrow.
I’m used to writing these things late but I’m on a deadline everywhere I look (I’ve kinda put myself out there now) and I have to get things done on the dot or they send Bray Wyatt to Sister Abigail my cat while spewing gibberish about demonic unicorns who have been poisoned by the imaginings of the corporate dogs or some damn thing.
Also, I’m really fucking nervous about Game 6 of the World Series. I’m a lifelong Giants fan (est. 1986) and I don’t think I’ve been this nervous for a game in a long, long time. If you’re a Royals fan or just rooting for the Royals, get loud and support your team. This has been an awesome Series. One that’s lived up to its billing.
We are LIVE(!!!) from San Antonio, Texas!!!
JBL, Cole and King are the guys on the mics…
Triple H, Steph and Kane For Some Reason are out to talk about last week. She welcomes everyone to RAW and says that last night was a hell of a show. Triple H praises Seth Rollins’ performance and welcomes Seth Rollins who walks to the ring like he’s just had a rectal exam.
Steph tries to get applause for Seth but the crowd boos instead. They chant that Seth sold out and Seth says they’re the best. He says that the Lunatic Fringe is out of his hair, once and for all. He says that smarts are better than brawn and, now that he’s done with Ambrose, all he has on his horizon is the man who beat Randy Orton. He’s moving on to John Cena.
The fans do the usual Cena Sucks chant and Rollins mocks them, saying that, tonight, he’ll SEE John Cena (doing Cena’s hand wave) and he’ll witness Cena’s failure.
Randy Orton’s music hits and he says he can’t stand what he’s hearing. He wants to know why he’s hearing that Cena beat him. Maybe he lost because of Rollins psyching him out with a Curb Stomp. Maybe he oughta go back to Anger Management…or maybe — then he attacks Rollins. The Authority separates them. Triple H tells Orton to calm down. Orton: “I’ll calm down when he’s dead!” Triple H tells him to shut up, calm down and relax. Triple H tells him to take the night off because tonight isn’t the night to settle this and — RKO out of nowhere to Rollins, which I can no longer take seriously due to the 157 RKOON Memes that frequent my Facebook like artcles about Ebola. Then he leaves. Triple H looks like somebody shit in his bag.
- John Cena vs. Seth Rollins
- The return of the Big Orangish-Pink Rawhide Chew, Hulk Hogan.
John Cena reads Dylan Thomas.
MATCH #1: Gold & Stardust (champions) vs. Big Show & Mark Henry (challengers) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Earlier tonight, Mark Henry verbally fellated Show in the dressing room.Henry suggest they become a tag team. That way, they can get the Tag Titles. Become a tag team, get a title shot. Gotta do something since The Usos and Dusts are the only two tag teams of any worth right now. Gold and Henry start. Gold does his deep breath thing. He beats on Henry and runs at him but Henry just clotheslines his head off. He puts Goldie in the corner and tosses him across the ring. Tag to Star and it’s Henry beating him in the corner. Henry tags Show who chest slaps Star twice. Show puts Star in the corner and tags Henry who just knocks Star down. He puts Star in the corner as the crowd chants “SEXUAL CHOCOLATE”. Henry smiles and grinds his hips into Star in the corner. Show tags himself in and Henry’s not happy about this. Already? That was fast. We go to break.
Gold all over Show when we come back but Show plants Gold into the mat and hits the inverted Sharpshooter. Star makes the save. Show tags Henry and he levels Star who gets the tag on the other side. Henry goes for a powerslam. Star escapes and clips the knee. Tag to Gold and he immediately works on Henry’s knee. Tag to Star who hits a Front Facelock on Henry. Henry lifts Star up and drops him to break the hold. Henry gets up and charges at Star. Star kicks Henry, then dropkicks him into Show who tags himself in. He destroys Star and hits a Flying Bus, then goes for the KO, which he hits. Gold comes in and gets dumped. Henry decides, “Fuck this” and argues with Show again, then hits the World’s Strongest Slam on Show, picks up Star and drops him on Show. The Dusts retains at around 11:30 or so.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Gold/Stardust
RATING: **. You’re telling me that Show didn’t simply cover Star? Come on.
Post-match, Henry stalks Show and then hits the WSS again. Show gets to his feet, using the ropes, so Henry hits the WSS again in case you didn’t think he was heelish enough yet. Then he hits a Warrior Splash right after. SHADESOFWARRIOR!SHADESOFWARRIOR!
STILL TO COME:
- Cena owns the place. So Rollins has to pay him some rent and ask him about fixing his stove so he can have people over this weekend.
- Roman Reigns is gonna tell us he’s healing.
Renee Young stops Mark Henry backstage and asks him what happened. Henry’s pissed and says he’s always been better than Show.
Cole presents a Roman Reigns montage — and we get an interview with Roman Reigns. He says he’s proud of Ambrose and calls Rollins a weasel. I’d ask for a “Weasel” chant to return but I’m sure that would confuse the fans and they’d chant for CM Punk.
MATCH #2: WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox (non-title)
Paige is at ringside. Again. Alicia dropkicks AJ out of the ring. She chases and rolls AJ back in. One count. Holy crap…the fans are actually chanting “LET’S GO, AJ”. I’m not used to that. Fox hits a Northern Lights Suplex for two and a headlock. AJ breaks, misses a clothesline and Fox elbows AJ while Paige pretends they’re STILL FRIENDS. So, all we’ve done is add one more person to this feud?! Fox covers AJ and screams because she’s “psycho”, see…AJ breaks but Fox picks her up for a slam. AJ counters into a nice Whirlwind DDT. She runs at Fox who hits a Spinning Backbreaker. Paige distracts Fox. AJ rolls her up for the win at 3:36. We just can’t have nice things.
WINNER: AJ Lee
RATING: DUD. MAKE. THIS FEUD. STOP.
Post-match, Paige apologizes to Fox, then kicks her and tosses her outside. Paige picks her up and tosses her into the barricade, then slingshots her into it. She rams Fox’s head into the barricade and calls her “her worst best friend”. What is any of this even about?!
Cole recalls last night when Bray Wyatt appeared from out of nowhere. It was shocking because he was supposed to be at the Senate Meeting on Coruscant.
NEXT: John Cena is gonna say stuff.
Cancer. It sucks. You don’t have to donate to Komen. ACS is a good place, though.
LAST NIGHT AT HELL IN A CELL: Wyatt interfered in Ambrose’s match.
TONIGHT: Ambrose goes one on one with Cesaro.
John Cena is out to the ring to talk. He says there’s lots of excitement tonight. He says that the crowd is acting like they’re raising a Championship banner tomorrow. He congratulates the Spurs. COLE: “He’s talking about the Spurs and the NBA Championship.” Thanks, Cole! He says that he earned his shot at Lesnar by beating Orton last night. While Lesnar sits at home, thinking like a champ, Cena is fighting like a champ. He says that Lesnar will lose the next time they face one another. He says that the City of Champions gets a main event worthy of San Antonio. He says that Rollins will get a First Class Wake-up Call. He says that the future isn’t next week, next month or next year. When might it be then?
Steph interrupts the promo and heads to the ring. She congratulates Cena on his victory and she says she can’t wait for him to face Rollins. But she can’t wait for Survivor Series for $7.83 on WWE Network. She criticizes Cena for using the Spurs to get a cheap pop. He says that he listens to people. She asks him if he hears them saying “Cena sucks”. She says that people don’t care about him. She says that they only care about him bleeding and pouring out his guts. She says it doesn’t have to be that difficult. She invites him to become one with the Authority. She tells him to come to a place where he’s loved and respected. She says that he will face Lesnar, who has already beaten him. But The Authority can provide insurance. She says the winner of his match tonight will become the Captain of Team Authority. She says he deserves all the best in WWE.
Cena says that all he deserves is to come out here for the fans. He fanwanks with the WWE Universe and says he’s there for all of them. He asks if she’s serious. She says that when Cena’s gone, they won’t remember him. He says that he won’t be remembered as a sell-out punk.
Out comes Triple H. He tells Steph, “Told ya’.” He mocks Cena’s “hero” thing and he says that things get harder in WWE every single year — and Cena eeks by every night. Triple H says Cena cannot fight the future (©X-Files, 1998). He says that Cena could come out for one last hurrah as an old man. But he knows that Cena doesn’t roll that way. He tells Cena that he can’t stop what Cena does — but, at Survivor Series, Team Authority will beat Team Cena. He says that The Authority is the future and they always win.
So we’re teased, a second time, with a Cena heel turn for another 15 minutes for the sole purpose of plugging a crappy tag team elimination match?
TONIGHT: Cena vs. Rollins
We get a nice shot of the outside of the AT&T Center where you can’t get a drink during the game because it has NO BARS! HI-YOOOOO! Aren’t you glad I’m in for Andy this week?
MATCH #3: The Miz & Damien Miz-dow vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jey)
Jimmy starts with Miz. Crowd wants Miz-dow. Miz puts Jimmy to the mat. Jimmy misses the Superkick but hits a sitting Atomic Drop for two. Tag to Jey. Miz knees him in the stomach on a rush and teases a tag to Miz-dow. He doesn’t tag him. Jey comes back with an uppercut, then clotheslines Miz from the ring. Miz-dow falls next to him. I can’t wait for Miz-dow to eliminate himself at the Royal Rumble. That would be so awesome. Uso Crazy to the outside. When we come back from break, Miz has Jey in the ring with a headlock. Jey escapes but Miz catches him in a DDT and FINALLY tags Miz-dow.
Sandow hits a snap suplex for two. Miz-dow hits a DDT. Two count. Cole, JBL and King all suddenly pretend that being a part of “Team Cena is dangerous” and that “no wrestler would join Cena in the fight for fear of repercussions.”. Haven’t we had about a dozen tag team matches over the past three months against The Authority? Anyhow, Miz-dow gets kicked in the face on a rush at Jey in the corner. Jey tries to get to his feet and makes a hot tag because it was A Critical Point in the Match-Up.
Jimmy winds up an uppercut and hits Miz, then hits a Samoan Drop and Shades of Rikishi. Miz avoids it but Jimmy manages to get him to the mat anyhow. He goes for a Superkick but it’s a counter by Miz and a roll-up. Miz-dow comes in and kicks Jimmy. The ref is distracted and doesn’t see Twin Magic as Jimmy and Jey switch places. Jey gets the pin at 11:51.
WINNERS: The Usos
RATING: **1/2. Nothing terrible here. Just kinda bland.
Backstage, Cena and Ziggler chat but the mic isn’t on them.
NEXT: The Big Orange Chewtoy is here.
Ziggler walks backstage and Kane stops him. Kane asks if he talked to John Cena. Ziggler says he does. Kane says that’s “an act of aggression”, so he wants Ziggler tonight.
Hogan is out here. King asserts how manly it is to wear pink on a show where big, sweaty men in tights wrestle each other. He says he’s glad that Cena beat Orton. The crowd boos. He says he disagrees because Cena will beat Lesnar. Crowd’s still not impressed. He says that Komenmania is running wild in San Antonio, Texas,
sister brother. He plugs all the cancer survivors. WhatchagonnadowhenKomenandwomenandcancerandchemoandpink run wild all over you. He invites the women into the ring to dance and frolic and cavort and they obey him like he’s a big orange Slenderman.
Bo Dallas is NEXT!
Apparently, Dallas issued an open challenge to anyone in the locker room. It’s Ryback. (DANIELLE: I didn’t know he was still a WWE employee.)
MATCH #4: Bo Dallas vs. Ryback
Ryback just tosses Dallas into the corner twice, then presses him into the air and down to the mat. Spinebiuster. Meathook Clothesline. Shell Shock. Done at 1:10.
Aaaaaand, the burial of Dallas begins. Say what you will about Ryback. At least his return didn’t require a transmission from Rebel spies.
AT HELL IN A CELL: Wyatt appeared and beat up Dean Ambrose, fucking up a perfectly good match.
TOMORROW ON MAIN EVENT: MizTV will host Mark Henry. Sorry, Andy.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Orton RKO’s Rollins. Backstage, he says he dealt with the issue the way he always does: RKO’ing people through the mat.
Ambrose has a mic. He says he went straight to hell and he loved every second of it. The only problem was that when he got to hell, he found Bray Wyatt. He has no idea how or why Wyatt did what he did. He doesn’t care. He says you never screw with Dean Ambrose.
MATCH #5: Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose
Ambrose attacks Cesaro with the mic. Cesaro runs out of the ring but Ambrose is all over him like shit on Velcro, wacking at his face. He chases Cesaro to the top of the entrance ramp, beating on Cesaro’s head. Dean wants Bray. Guess we’re not having a match. One that would have involved Ambrose fighting somebody but never happened. Again.
WINNER: No contest
RATING: You already know.
Wyatt appears on the Jumbotron. He says each time he looks at Ambrose, he sees his own deranged reflection. He says that sick things that make people cringe excite the both of them. This world was made for them. He says he’d like to dismantle Ambrose’s mind. There’s a new little before and after Wyatt blurb which is pretty sweet stuff.
TONIGHT: John Cena faces Seth Rollins.
For some reason, nobody will team with Cena despite the fact that Ambrose, Sheamus and the Usos have all teamed with him.
Nikki’s out to the ring with Brie in tow. We go over their match at Hell in a Cell that nobody cared about then and nobody cares about now.
MATCH #6: Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Naomi
Naomi hits a sliding clothesline after putting Nikki to the mat. She tries to leapfrog Nikki when she ends up in the corner but Nikki grabs her and throws her to the mat for two. Nikki stomps her and gets two. She rams Naomi with shoulders in the corner and then stretches her arms in the ropes while Brie “assists” her by standing there. Nikki clotheslines Naomi in the corner and hits a Snap Mare. Nikki gets nonchalant and Naomi clotheslines her, then hits a sitting slam. Nikki leaves the ring. Naomi rolls her back into the ring. Nikki runs at Naomi who kicks Nikki. Brie pulls on Naomi’s leg and Nikki knees her in the back, knocking her out of the ring. Nikki grins, rolls Naomi back in and hits the Rack Attack for the win at 4:19.
WINNER: Nikki Bella via Rack Attack
RATING: 1/4*. That’s generous. Three more weeks of this shit.
TONIGHT: Cena vs. Rollins
NEXT: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane
DID YOU KNOW: WWE debuted on Fox Sports Mexico and immediately took over the channel, killing everyone in the building? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NO NETWORK IS SAFE!!!
Kane is out for his match to punish Ziggler because Ziggler is considering fighting against the Authority in a match that the Authority sanctioned themselves, but is also mutiny for some reason.
MATCH #7: Kane vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (non-title)
It’s so awesome, all the time we’ve spent recapping each and every match from last night. I’m sure that omitting Ziggler’s match was just to save air time for the epic Cena/Rollins fight later on. Ziggler slides out of the way of Kane’s corner attack, then leaves the ring. Ziggler rushes back in and attacks with a flurry of kicks and punches. Kane finally shoulderblocks him to end that shit, then drops him, stomach-first, on the top rope. Kane boots him in the head and chokes him. Kane hip tosses Ziggler into the ring and locks in a side headlock. Ziggler breaks but Kane knees him in the guts when he rushes off the ropes. Headlock #2 by Kane. Ziggler is free and dropkicks Kane out of the ring.
After a break, Ziggler manages to plant Kane’s head into the mat and then attacks him in the corner. Kane uppercuts the shit out of him when Ziggler tries a splashs and covers him. Ziggler kicks out. Kane sets Ziggler up for a huge boot and nails it. Two count. Headlock #3 by Kane. Ziggler breaks again so Kane knees him in the gut again. Kane puts Ziggler in the corner and clotheslines him. Ziggler fights out of the second corner, then climbs Kane and punches away. He hits a neckbreaker and big elbow for two. Ziggler runs off the ropes and flies into a Kane Sidewalk Slam for two. Kane goes top rope but misses hit attack.
Ziggler hits a Fame-Asser and NEARLY gets a fall. Kane gets up and Ziggler goes for the Superkick. Series of counters and Ziggler finally lands it. He tries the Zigg Zagg but Kane shrugs him off and hits a big boot, nearly getting a fall. Kane goes for the Chokeslam but Ziggler counters with a Sunset Flip to get the pin at 10:10.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
RATING: ***. Match of the night, so far. That’s a surprise.
Post-match, Rollins clubs Ziggler in the back of the head with the MITB case. The heels gang up on him. Kane goes for a Chokeslam and here comes Cena to save the day. Rollins immediately bails and Cena clotheslines Kane from the ring.
THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: A ton of Divas show up to fight for a Halloween Special.
MATCH #8: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury)
Rollins, who is wearing bandages around his ribs, leaves the ring to start and consults with Joey Mercury, whispering something in his ear. He gets back in the ring and lunges at Cena who takes him down. Rollins leaves the ring. Rollins puts Cena in a headlock and ends up getting hip tossed. Another Rollins retreat. This happens one more time and Cena chases and starts clocking him. Security distracts Cena and Rollins busts through them to attack him. Back in the ring, Rollins his a running lariat. When the ref is occupied with Cena, Joey Mercury decks Cena. Rollins gets a two count. Rollins tosses Cena outside and the Security jackals attack while Rollins distracts the ref. Rollins suplexes Cena to the mat outside. Rollins rolls him back in. He tosses Cena into the corner and splashes him. Cena fights back and runs at Seth in the corner. Rollins puts Cena to the mat and gets two as we go to break.
When we come back, Cena is beating up Security and Charles Robinson is like an NFL Ref at a Seahawks game: he doesn’t care. Rollins rolls Cena back into the ring with a side headlock. Cena comes back with Move #1 but misses #2. He ends up outside. Rollins hits the Suicide Dive and his lower back hits the bandaged ribs. Ref nearly counts both men out. Rollins rolls Cena in for two. He sets up a Superplex in the corner. Cena fights out and knocks Rollins to the mat. Cena hits a Cross Body for a near fall. He goes for the AA but Rollins counters with a quick falling DDT for a two count. Cena is ejected from the ring again and Rollins follows, tossing him into the ring and going to the top rope.
Rollins hits…something off the top rope and gets a near fall. Rollins puts Cena in a headlock. Cena mounts another comeback but Rollins dropkicks him. Rollins gets to his feet and knocks Cena from the ring again. Noble kicks at Cena while Rollins distracts the ref. The ref counts and Cena BARELY beats the count at nine. Rollins is less than enthused. Cena hits Moves #1 – #3 and then the 5KS. Noble distracts Cena. Rollins runs at Cena and Cena dumps him right on top of Security. Cena goes outside and gets Rollins, rolling him back in but Rollins hits an Enzuguri out of nowhere. Rollins rushes Cena in the corner. Cena kicks him and goes top rope. Rollins tries to toss him to the mat but Cena hits a NICE Swinging DDT, getting two. Cena sets up the AA. Rollins lands on his feet, misses the Enzuguri. Cena goes for an STF. A series of counters and Rollins hits a BEAUTIFUL reverse suplex for two. Holy shit.
Rollins goes up to the top buckle. Cena gets up and punches at him. Cena goes for a Superplex which turns to an AA. Rollins counters with a powerbomb in the corner. CLOSE fall. Rollins goes for a Curb Stomp but Cena sits up and hits the STF. FUCKING KANE to end with a DQ at 23:19.
WINNER: John Cena via DQ.
RATING: ***3/4 even with the finish. Better than Cena/Orton and Ambrose/Rollins. Would it fucking kill WWE to job Rollins or even have him sell a submission hold?
Kane, Rollins, Mercury and Noble beat on Cena. Ziggler makes the save but IT’STHENUMBERSGAME. Then, for some reason, the entire locker room comes down for a gigantic brawl. Cena clears the ring, fighting off 40 guys and finishing with an AA on Bo Dallas who can now say he was involved in a match with John Cena. He stands tall as The Authority glares from the entrance ramp.
OVERALL: **1/2 tonight. Not a bad effort, all things considered. The last two matches really saved the show from being totally mediocre bullshit.
Tuesday sees AndyPG taking over for me on the Main Event Recap. Wednesday, I cover Superstars. Just kidding. Nobody fucking cares about that show. Scott’s got NXT and also some retro shows along with Bayless. Tommy takes you into the weekend with the Smackdown recap and AndyPG returns next week to his regular slot.
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
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