Yokozuna vs. Vader in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!! (and more Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a classic FAT MAN STAND-OFF from WWF RAW in 1996, as Yokozuna, with Mr. Fuji as his peppy US-loving babyface manager takes on the new monster heel Vader! Then it’s one of the weirdest mixing of eras ever, as the Ultimate Warrior makes his WWF RAW debut against Isaac Yankem, DDS in the latter’s last TV match! Following that, it’s the debut of the late Adrian Neville on WWE RAW & SmackDown! as he faces arrogant jobber Curtis Axel! And then I find another AAA match featuring all those Power Rangers knockoffs, as the technico team of Super Nova, Venum, Discovery & Ludxor face the rudo Abismo Negro, El Mosco de la Merced, Histeria & Maniaco! And finally, our PWI 500 guy of the week is the heavyset Juggernaut from Extreme CANADIAN Championship wrestling, as he faces the untrained loser Wrathchild in a sloppy indie brawl with weapons and an ECW-inspired run-in!

YOKOZUNA vs. VADER (w/ Jim Cornette):
(WWF RAW, April 1st 1996)
* It’s time for a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!! This is from Yokozuna’s endgame- increasingly fat beyond reason, he’s been turned babyface and been made to put over a handful of acts. Now the company has a NEW potential Monster Heel and gigantic babyfaces are always those who suffer when these guys show up. Seeing Mr. Fuji as a happy babyface waving the American flag is just WEIRD.

The two obesitrons face off to start, wisely playing it slow- eye-to-eye, it’s clear Vader’s 2-3 inches taller but Yoko is overwhelmingly fatter, billed at 650 lbs. and maybe not being far off the mark from that. Vader hits a loud bear-paw strike that swings Yokozuna’s head to the side, but the big man doesn’t crumble. And he CRACKS Vader with one of his own, causing the beast to stumble off! Vader tries to throw a punch, but Yoko blocks and hits a counter series on him and bounces him off the ropes for a SAMOAN DROP! Ring doesn’t even fucking budge and that’s a THOUSAND POUNDS hitting it at once, lol. But Yoko turns around to yell at Jim Cornette and gets clotheslined down- in a good bit, Vader still has to shake off the damage from that Samoan drop and takes a bit to come in and throw punches, eventually hammering Yoko into a seated position in the corner, absolutely merciless about it. After being warned off, he does it again, and this lets Cornette add a jab with his tennis racket. Vader comes in to try and level the guy with a haymaker, but Yoko DUCKS- Uranage slam! Massive legdrop! But Yoko looks dazed and dying judging by his expression and he can’t follow up at first, but finally pushes Vader to the corner and throws rights as the fans chant “USA!” on behalf of the two Japanese fighting a guy from Colorado. But he finally tries an avalanche and misses, ending up with one foot perched on the bottom rope, and ol’ Cornette grabs the ankle, trapping it there so Vader can build up and up to hit a massive splash that destroys the ankle. Yokozuna HOWLS in agony as the ref immediately calls for the bell at (3:47)- Vader wins by the ever-rare referee stoppage. Yoko continues to scream in pain as Cornette orders “Do it again!” and holds the ankle in place for Vader to do it two more times, establishing further that both men are completely soulless sacks of shit who just like seeing others hurt. We’re back from commercial with the road agents (Brisco, Garea & Goulet) having failed to put Yokozuna on a stretcher and called out a FORKLIFT while the poor guy has his leg in a splint. hhahaahaha and then Vader COMES BACK, smashing the leg again and again with a steel chair in the back while Yoko was just leaning back covered in sweat from all the pain. Beautiful heeling.

I still remember seeing this one ages ago, live. Yokozuna’s screams of pain stuck with me. A lot of wrestlers sold, but not a lot of them screamed bloody murder like that, suggesting something far worse had happened. Allegedly, the bit with the forklift having to come back Yoko out was a message from the company to get his weight under control. Alas, he failed (food addiction is real) and he was trotted out on TV one more time to job to Shawn Michaels and he was done from the Big Two forever, dying a few years later. Mr. Fuji also takes his leave, here- he never appearas on WWF programming again, his last scene just standing there looking sad as his man is crushed. As a match, it was fun for what it was- about as good as a Fat Man Stand-Off can be with only 4 minutes and no No-Sold Shoulderblocks. The ending is fantastic- I love the old “deals huge injury, then chases him down a minute later for more punishment” heeling. Like he was in the back all proud of himself and just had to decide “NO! MORE ASS-KICKING!”

Rating: **1/2 (solid short TV brawl between two powerhouses with a fantastic ending that puts over Vader as both dangerous and a sadist)

I love the “post-severe injury additional beating”. Like, causing injury to someone in the heat of the moment is one thing, but this requires FORETHOUGHT. The adrenaline is cooling off and the dude’s still thinking “some additional beatings would be nice” and he goes and gets a weapon.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. ISAAC YANKEM, DDS (w/ Jerry Lawler):
(WWF RAW, April 29th 1996)
* FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! I was wondering if I could find weird shit for this column last-minute and I see THIS on my docket! This is theoretically an actual Dream Match, in that Warrior & Kane are guys from totally different eras (though the gimmicks were around simultaneously for a clock-tick there) and both were big-name characters… not that the MATCH would be any good, but it’s really a Dream Match! Only here Kane is a low-tier Dentist gimmick they’re shunting down the card, so he’s just a big guy for Warrior to run over. Warrior, in purple trunks, comes out to cheers, then runs BACK to the locker room, then runs back out to I guess get a second pop. Almost ingenious if it had worked. Lawler is on commentary and still buddies with Yankem, whom he advises- “His biggest muscle is between his ears! You’ve gotta outsmart him!”. The baggy blue pants and fluffy mullet are just AWFUl- this guy was really saved by the costume department in his career. Fun Fact: This is the Ultimate Warrior’s first RAW match, and one of only two he ever wrestled.

Lawler does commentary AND stands in Yankem’s corner as the poor son of a bitch is left throwing a clothesline that couldn’t POSSIBLY have hit in a million years (the dude’s like 6’7″ and he’s throwing it HIGH against the 6’2″ Warrior) and he gets shoulderblocked onto his back and sells because Warrior doesn’t even keep moving. Huffing and puffing from all the light cardio he’s done, he just throws a single overhand punch to drop Yankem again. Isaac eats the turnbuckle, then gets clotheslined in the other corner and thrown over the top as we go to break. We’re back and Warrior is ALREADY doing his end routine- clothesline, double-run shoulderblock and the Warrior Splash for the win at (1:33 shown). I thought Vince said “down across Jacobs!” there in a rare botch for him, but I think he just mush-mouthed “Yankem”. Sadly, the match was almost literally nothing- even jobbers get more offense than this, as Warrior just easily ducks Yankem’s one clothesline and hits his usual stuff, lazily takes him apart, then runs through his finishing series of moves. This was the write-off for Yankem’s character, anyways- he never appears on WWF television again and just does two world tours (Kuwait, South Africa) before being turned into Fake Diesel only five months later- a crazy turnaround considering he didn’t wear a mask.

Rating: 1/2 (really nothing to it, but at least it was sorta peppy)

NEVILLE vs. CURTIS AXEL:
(WWE RAW, March 30th 2015)
* This was recommended when I watched the Neville/Zayn match a couple weeks ago- this is actually Neville’s debut on RAW after spending time on NXT- he’s naturally lost his first name. Axel is one of a thousand “legacy wrestler disappointments”, as Curt Hennig’s son came out as a Generic Nothingburger guy and mostly farted around before being released. Also in one of the company’s most bizarre, nonsensical decisions, he was repeatedly referred to as Hennig’s son on commentary… despite being named “Curtis Axel”. He’s apparently getting a “delusional heel” run at this time, wearing an #AXELMANIA Hulk Hogan shirt, talking to his “Axelmaniacs”, and whines about 29 other men eliminiating him from the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (making sure to say every part of the name, just in case we were forgetting that guys in this era were reading off of scripts and expected to nail them to the letter). Neville comes out in the superhero cape that Vince LOVES to put on short guys. He’s in purple/black trunks and Axel’s in plain black.

Axel takes a shot at Neville but ends up on the floor, where Neville SAILS over him with a quebrada off the top rope and throws him back into the ring. The bell rings and Neville quickly dodges him and does two lightning-fast flips across the ring and dodges him for a shoulderblock, flips over him and runs by him twice to hit a forearm as they really show off his speed. A kick trio into a running boot leaves Neville posing for maximum effect. A running European uppercut flattens Axel, and Neville goes up for the Red Arrow (corkscrew shooting star press) for the pin at (3:05). Utter squash as Axel gets NOTHING. Which is pretty ideal for the new guy- if you have a loser act on your show with little value while he’s actually still a cromulent 5/10 worker, may as well have him get squashed by a debuting act to make the newbie look good. The fact that Neville never once had to sell or even slow down is a GREAT way to introduce him, in fact.

Rating: * (good squash! Like a 3.5/5 at least on the Squash Scale, showing everything needed about the new guy)

NEVILLE vs. CURTIS AXEL:
(WWE RAW, April 9th 2015)
* Only a week later, Axel asks for a rematch wearing the same shirt. He boasts about “Axtreme Rules” being the PPV and uses Hogan’s entire “Watcha gonna do?” catchphrase with his own name inserted, then tears the shirt. This is actually clipped by a fair amount.

We’re JIP with Axel trying to whip Neville over the top, but Neville just handstands and does the “bounce off the ropes using his ass” thing to flip back to center, ducks a clothesline and throws out armdrags. Then they do the EXACT same corner dodges as the RAW the week before, puts Axel on the floor and flies over the top rope with a no-hands tope suicida, turning in mid-air. Red Arrow finishes at (1:23 of 2:14 shown). If you’re thinking this is WWE writing off Axel and dumping his ass, you’d be right- this is in fact one of his final matches on a prominent show for a year, though he remains in the company for FIVE more years- he’s exiled to WWE Live and Main Event after this. It’s another year before he returns, as one of The Social Outcasts (a jobber stable with Bo Dallas & Adam Rose), then shows up in The Miztourage the next year. Essentially, he’s just a “warm body” guy until he’s released… in early 2020! Yes, he made it to *COVID* despite never excelling at any aspect of wrestling!

Rating: 1/2* (the same as last match but more clipped)

LOS CADETES DEL ESPACIO (Super Nova, Venum, Discovery & Ludxor) vs. LOS RUDOS DE LA GALAXIA (Abismo Negro, El Mosco de la Merced, Histeria & Maniaco):
(AAA, 4/30/1997)
* It’s more of those Power Rangers vs. Psycho Rangers teams from AAA! With a slightly different lineup. And English commentary for some reason. Commentary here is HORRIBLE- some white guy who can’t inflect his voice seeimingly translating the Spanish verbatim (including idioms and slang that don’t make sense, and calling them “technical fighters” and “tough guys” because he translates “technios” and “rudos”. As before, “Black Abyss” is in black with circuitboard designs on his gear, Mosco’s also in black but has a pointy-nose mask, Maniaco’s dressed like a member of KISS, and Histeria’s in black with red. Super Nova’s in bright blue, Discovery yellow, Ludxor black with red trim & Venum green.

PRIMERA CAIDA: The technicos start with a quadruple attack, dropkicking the rudos to the floor and following with topes. Ludxor starts off embarrassing Maniaco but himself missing a dropkick and eating a 2nd-rope lariat, but Maniaco flies into the post trying a charge. Discovery/Mosco go next, Discovery quickly dumping him and doing a pose. Venum/Histeria next, Histeria rolling over him and hitting a wheel kick. Venum hangs on so Histeria crashes out trying a super rana but Venum’s somersault flying rana is ass, essentially powerbombing himself from the top. Venum recovers with a whirling headcissors, dumps him and poses. Discovery then monkey-flips Mosco over the top and does an impressive run-up cannonball plancha. Maniaco is clotheslined next to them by Ludxor, who follows with a corkscrew tope suicida. Super Nova & Abismo Negro finally hit the ring, Nova going for a ride on the rudo’s shoulders before grabbing a double-knucklelock, trying some stuff, then hitting a hand-holding Springboard Hurricanrana for three (Abismo clearly being the reason he doesn’t biff it twice) and Venum simultaneously hits a running rana on Histeria at (4:13). Technicos up 1-0!

SEGUNDA CAIDA: Discovery/Maniaco start, Discovery weirdly just standing around and posing for no reason so he can be hit, then holds Maniaco’s hands to set up a springboard backflip into a rope-run armdrag. Maniaco seems like he’s having trouble figuring out WTF this guy is doing. Abismo goes with Ludxor, who leaps onto his shoulders and spins around into a rana, whirls around him and eats a superkick, but dodges a dropkick so Abismo can bump upside-down, then be slide face-first onto the arena floor and headscissored out there. Super Nova runs in and gets his ass kicked by Histeria & Mosco, who double-backdrop him (that is a MISERABLE bump to take in a lucha ring), then dump him like a sack of shit, which incenses Venum so bad he charges in like an unprovoked shoot-fight as the rudos fail to pull him off of Histeria, who finally manages a powerbomb with some assistance. Mosco adds a senton and Abismo hits a flying splash and back body drops him to the floor (Venum lands on his feet after a HUGE amount of elevation, crashing into the guardrail). Discovery comes in and gets quadruple-teamed and held for various flying moves until a surfboard puts him away via submission while a hilariously phony bit sees them just drag Ludxor in with zero resistance (a single chop and he’s suddenly easily dragged all over the ring and they wait until the big move hits Discovery, then he’d dumped and they hit a Lionsault into a moonsault/legdrop triple-team to pin him (3:51). Super Nova runs in and just lets them beat him up, awkawrdly being put into Muscle buster position but they just stretch his limbs out in that position as the Rudos tie it up.

TERCERA CAIDA: The rudos throw an injured Super Nova into the ring where they beat him up- he’s slammed down and hit with a lionsault, but Venum charges in again and takes a wheel kick only to land ON Mosco and clutch him until Histeria kicks him and they just pull him up for more stuff. Venum gets beat by everyone, then Ludxor’s hauled in for some while Maniaco drags Discovery to the floor and posts him. Abismo hits Ludxor with a release Tiger Driver but pulls him up at “2”, just tossing him aside. Venum’s beat up again and Super Nova comes in but gets his nuts punted by Maniaco, who does the same to Ludxor, but Abismo gets flung into his own partner’s boot and backbreakered! Venum & Histeria go over the railing into the fans while Discover beats on Maniaco like he forgot the script, Maniaco just going “fuck it” and allowing hismelf to be dumped. Discovery insists on being tagged back in to fight Histeria, but Venum gets flung into him and both hit the floor. Histeria & Mosco follow with slingshot cannonball pescados and all four are dead on the floor, Maniaco charges but stops and goes to the apron, then lands face-first on the floor, leaving to two captains. Super Nova hits a spinkick to Abismo Negro, and scores a sunset flip for “1”, but gets whipped to the corner, where he… harmlessly sits up top and casually waits for Abismo to hit him with a Super Hurricanrana, then holds him down for a Triple Stereo Flying Headbutt and the heels dogpile Nova for the pin (6:00)- Rudos win!

These Power Raiders matches are soooooooo weird- just messy, overly choreographed affairs at times, like they have some bits planned out, but only finishes planned for some sections, meaning guys have to take a single punch and then just be dragged to one side of the ring so everyone can wait out whatever’s going on dead-center, allowing them to walk in and do their own thing. This even extends to the ending, where Super Nova is whipped to the corner and leaps up into a sitting position for no reason while Abismo Negro runs at him and leaps up for a super rana- like WHY DID NOVA JUST SIT THERE? Discovery was the worst for all this, though, appearing frequently like he forgot the script and got lost (his usual partner, Maniaco, frequently appears frustrated or just lets himself get dumped). Venum’s bits are PARTICULARLY weird- it looks almost exactly like he’s running in to shoot on people, except that’s clearly not the case because they’re throwing worked stuff and he just goes along with it.

Rating: *1/2 (some of these guys are clearly competent, while others are too amateurish and need a LOT more seasoning, especially before they have to do complex lucha spots. A lot of the match ends up looking like everyone’s waiting for a spot to happen, really exposing the business)

THIS WEEK’S PWI 500 GUY: THE JUGGERNAUT:
Appearances: #497 in 1999, #420 in 2000, #393 in 2001, #328 in 2002, #327 in 2003

-Now here’s the good shit, haha- a tall guy billed at 6’5″ 380 lbs. (lol not really), The Juggernaut hails from Extreme CANADIAN Championship Wrestling, the promotion I’ve only been made aware of once before in this column. It’s the home of podunk shows in British Columbia. He also went to the Prairie Wrestling Academy. He oddly gets a decent run in the PWI 500, rising into the 300s before disappearing, but his whole run is 1997-2010. He was on Twitter until 2021.

SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE COMMISSIONER ROCKY DE LA SERRA:
THE JUGGERNAUT vs. WRATHCHILD:
(ECCW, July 26th 2001 Summer of Insanity Tour)
* WOOOOOOOOOO Juggernaut vs. another big guy! With a hilarious podunk indie promo beforehand of Wrathchild and a shorter guy in a “Killswitch” shirt who’s just SEETHING the entire promo. “Tonight begins the legend of WRATHCHILD! WELCOME TO MY SLAUGHTERHOUSE- HAHAHAHAHAH!”. The little pause before the laughter is what ruins it so beautifully. Juggernaut, meanwhile, has a “regular guy” face but points out he LIKES the scars on his head, because pain is rad. This is in a small hockey arena, but pretty well-attended. Wrathchild is indeed much taller than Juggernaut, but has a nothing-to-write-home-about “regular guy” physique in the ECW T-Shirt of Shame, while Juggernaut is obese enough to sell being big. The new commissioner of ECCW is doing ref duties because nobody else could control what’s sure to be pure mayhem. I’m glad all these guys have their names on their black shirts in white writing because it makes things far easier to call.

The bell rings and immediately Wrathchild takes a bunch of punches that make it clear he doesn’t know how to work (too scampery with his “happy feet”), but he gets his foot up for two as commentary calls out De La Serra’s INSANELY fast count (with no gaps between mat-slaps). Wrathchild chokes Juggernaut in the ropes and Boss Mans him on the back. Juggernaut bails but comes back on the floor with punches, calling a spot and getting a whip reversed as he sails into a bunch of empty wooden chairs, sending them scattering. Wrathchild smashes him into the post and legdrops him for two, but misses a 2nd-rope splash. Wrathchild won’t drop from a shoulderblock so Juggernaut trips him up, and De La Serra reveals bias by counting SLOWLY this time. This lets Wrathchild come back with a “hangman’s” choke (lol Juggy 2 fat) and the worst flying move I’ve ever seen in my life, making Jerry Sags look like Kairi Sane in terms of grace. lol his follow-up overhead elbow is called out as “light” by commentary (he sux)- man wrestles like he’s afraid to stiff his opponent.

Juggy comes back with a whip and an awful running elbow into a snapmare/kick, but Wrathchild counters by CROSSING HIS ARMS (martial arts supremacy!) and schoolboying him for two. Juggy does a single kick and takes 20 seconds to cover, and gets annoyed by the slow count (at least this demonstrates to the fans that De La Serra is biased), then tosses a bunch of chairs into the ring- Wrathchild somehow gets his OWN leg caught in one just moving around, so Juggernaut chairshots it like that, then hits him with shots repeatedly, then drapes him across four open chairs and hits a big legdrop off the second rope. Well at least they didn’t botch it! That gets another slow two, then De La Serra steals a chair from Juggernaut (NOW he wants fair play?), who turns to him and gets hit by Killswitch running in with a chair. lmao Juggy’s sissy hand-gestures as he’s hit, just scrunching up his arms and flailing his wrists. This lets Wrathchild get his finisher, THE CLAW~~, slamming Juggernaut down for… SABU of all people to run in! He throws a fork to Juggernaut, who is now 100% fine, and Wrathchild blades as he’s stabbed over and over again. OMG they seem to be doing a thing where that’s illegal, but De La Serra is just turning around at random to enable this cheating. A simple clothesline gets the three after all that (10:34). The heels are all like “WUT HAPPENED?”, Wrathchild quickly recovering.

What a terrible ECW-style match, haha. Exactly what I was hoping for! A guy who can barely work against a guy who can’t work at all, both too big to have really good technique, having a terrible brawl with weapons and poor selling, Wrathchild too much of a stiff and Juggernaut doing “I’m the top guy; I don’t gotta sell a beating!” stuff like popping up from finishers.

Rating: DUD (AWFUL and great fun because it sucks in the perfect sort of way)