The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.20.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.20.91

Taped from Sacramento, CA on 06.17.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

Well we’ve got about a month left of this era and then I’ve gotta decide whether I want to go back to the Megapowers era in 89 or take a deep breath and actually venture into 1995. Or both, I dunno. Either way it feels we’re all getting bored of this particular era and it’s time to move on.

Also, I have some homework for you, the reader. I want to make a kind of permanent landing page for new readers who might not be entirely familiar with the blog and all the lore and wackiness, so if I was do a “Ten must-read SmarK Rants to get the Blog of Doom” list or “Ten greatest SmarK Rants of all time” what would you pick as the definitive choices? Like stuff to explain Joe Gomez’s impact on the sport or whatever.

Big Bossman v. Louis Spicoli

Case in point, one can only take so many Bossman appearances in the curtain jerking slot. Bossman slugs Louis down and hits the running choke before finishing with the Bossman slam at 0:45.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND! SPONSORED BY COLISEUM VIDEO!

Oh man, Gene has an official invite to the wedding of Randy Savage and Elizabeth for Summerslam, although she doesn’t get a last name on the invite. So we take you back to Wrestling Challenge last week on the Barber Shop, as Savage puts his wedding over as the most glorious moment of his life. I think he’s kind of underselling piledriving Ricky Morton through a table in Memphis there, but I get it.

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon wants to sit down and talk to us about JUST SAYING NO to drugs, and lets us know about his expanded comprehensive drug-testing and anti-steroid programs. So when you see the WWF symbol, you can be assured of DRUG FREE entertainment.

I feel like I don’t even know where to start with that segment. It’s like my CPU is glitching due to irony overload. We just had LOUIS SPICOLI in the opening match for fuck’s sake. They should have 100% played this segment during the steroid trials and used the gallery reaction for a sitcom laugh track.

And then the first thing after his declaration is a commercial with HULK FUCKING HOGAN!

The Nasty Boys v. Rob Allen & Scott Carlson

I love that the jobbers are all excited to be here and high five after the introductions, like “Yeah man, we got this!” Also we’re pretty sure that Nasties aren’t on steroids at least. I’ll give them that. Sags slams Allen by the neck and beats on him a bit before taking him to the corner for the Pit Stop. Over to Carlson as we get a drop in promo from Finkel for a Nassau Coliseum main event of HULK HOGAN VERSUS WARLORD, which is no doubt the best in drug free entertainment and no steroids whatsoever. Hey wait, wasn’t the Nassau Coliseum mentioned in a notable legal proceeding a few years from now? Makes you think. The Shitty Elbow finishes at 3:00.

Meanwhile, down in Florida, Skinner tells us about skinning stuff.

The Dragon v. Tim Patterson

Patterson beats on Dragon while the announcers speculate if Warrior and Hogan can get along in the main event of Summerslam. Well I mean as long as one of them doesn’t write a letter demanding a payoff before showing up for the match, BUT HOW LIKELY IS THAT LOL? Steamboat chops him down and follows with a slam, before going up and hitting the flying chop and then finishing with the flying bodypress at 1:53. Steamboat continues to look bored and unmotivated.

Speaking of boring, Sgt. Slaughter joins us with his crew for a special interview with Mean Gene, talking up the main event of Summerslam, and he doesn’t care who the special guest referee is. So then Gene is like “Well then let’s bring out the special guest referee” and it’s the WWF debut of SID JUSTICE. So the heels are all happy and salute him, but Sid is not their pal, buddy, and he’s gonna call it down the middle. What a lame fucking debut for Sid. They had it right with him doing the surprise appearances and squashing midcard heels on TV tapings, but those never aired on TV and instead it’s “Is this giant monster going to be an unbiased referee?” as a storyline.

Virgil v. The Black Knight

Virgil slugs away and hits the Knight with an atomic drop before mixing it up fisticuffs style and sending him to the floor. Meanwhile the announcers note that winning the Million Dollar belt is like becoming a millionaire because the belt is worth a million dollars. That’s….not how it works. Unless he’s gonna take out loans and use the belt as collateral. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 2:00.

The Warlord v. Billy Gatlin

THE BEST IN FAMILY FRIENDLY STEROID FREE ENTERTAINMENT. The all natural Warlord gets a press slam and follows with a bodyslam and gut wrench slam. Full nelson finishes at 1:50.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We hear from Hulk Hogan and Warrior, who warn fans at MSG to check the popcorn boxes for hand grenades. Also check the Fed-Ex deliveries for steroids. Also if you’re on the fence about ordering this show, how about Bushwhackers v. Natural Disasters? Not enough for you? What about Greg the Motherfucking Hammer Valentine v. IRS? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

The Beverly Brothers v. Jim Gorman & Matthew Burns

Gorman gets a slam on Beau but gets suplexed and Blake comes in to smacks him around. Over to Burns, and Blake catapults him under the ropes and follows with an overhead suplex. Shaker Heights Spike finishes at 3:10.

NEXT WEEK: Bret Hart! The Berzerker! The Bushwhackers! The Mountie! Jake the Snake on the Funeral Parlor!

OOOOOOOOOOH. Well that’s an interesting happenstance as we go into the final taping of this 1991 series. See you next week!