The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.06.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.06.91

Originally written 09.07.26

Taped from Sacramento, CA on 06.17.91

As a reminder, we’re getting ever closer to where we started with the 1991 rants some months back, the week before Summerslam. Once we’ve wrapped up 1991, I’ll probably go back and start with 1989 again, since I did a month of that and then left it off.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Roddy Piper

Good lord they’ve already edited the Coach into the opening. That’s wishful thinking on their part.

The Undertaker v. Rob Allen

Vince and Roddy are just mercilessly giving Savage the gears over his pending proposal and possible cold feet, really bullying the poor guy. Meanwhile Taker chokeslams the geek and puts the smother claw on him as we get an inset from Paul Bearer on the subject of the Warrior. And Taker finishes with the tombstone at 1:56. Savage gives us a Godfather quote to make him even more awesome.

Elizabeth joins Mean Gene in the ring for a special investigative interview, making Savage particularly nervous. And indeed, Gene immediately probes into their relationship like the nosy troll that he is. What about wedding bells in her future? She supports marriage in general, and she’s fond of Randy Savage. In fact, she LOVES him. So Macho finally mans up and leaves the broadcast position, heading out to pitch some woo. But first he talks about returning to the ring at Summerslam, although not as a wrestler. And after a few tries, he professes his love for Elizabeth and produces a MACHO RING. So some guy yells out “Get on your knees, Macho Man!” and he obliges, before popping the question. And the answer is “Oh yeah!”, capping off Savage’s babyface turn once and for all. This came off as a bit of a cynical PPV ploy but it was incredibly effective and you had to try it.

The Beverly Brothers v. Scott Key & David Bazo

So in the comments for last week’s episode, I learned that the original pitch for the Bevs was a modern day Valiant brothers, which makes a lot more sense than whatever vague “rich guy” gimmick they had at this point. Shake Heights Spike finishes at 2:00.

Meanwhile, Greg Valentine enjoys a tasty ice cream bar.

Jake Roberts v. Louie Spicoli

I think the guy in the ring might be on drugs. Louie slugs on Jake in the corner, but Jake quickly hits him with the short arm clothesline and finishes with the DDT at 1:00.

Meanwhile, the Natural Disasters and Virgil both offer their opinions on Sid Justice, with Typhoon proposing that Sid could be “Volcano” and join their team. Not bad. I wonder if Brother Bruce ever pitched that one?

The Mountie v. Bob Jones

Mountie rams him into the turnbuckles and takes him down with the choke for the pin at 1:10.

Bret Hart v. Haku

Bret works the arm to start, but Haku catches him with a backbreaker for two. Bret misses a blind charge, but Haku goes up and misses an elbow, and Bret finishes him with a crucifix at 2:51. And that’s Haku’s final appearance on WWF Superstars.

SUMMERSLAM UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We have a main event now, the underwhelming Hogan & Warrior v. Slaughter, Mustafa and Adnan. It’s dubbed the Match Made In Hell, you ain’t kidding about that. And that’s the entire update.

The Rockers v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Tim Patterson

Marty works the arm on the Brawler to start and puts him down with a superkick, and it’s over to Patterson. Was Lombardi teaming with Patterson a rib on him, I wonder? Michaels hits Patterson with a faceplant and splashes Marty onto him for the pin at 2:00.

Meanwhile, we meet SKINNER. Apparently he’s going to skin WWF superstars alive. I mean I guess it’s better than murdering them first.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Jim Gorman

Sarge hits Gorman with a front suplex and finishes with the camel clutch at 1:22. Ad then the heels all beat up the guy some more, although no one cares about him anyway.

NEXT WEEK: Ted Dibiase! Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Mr. Perfect drags himself out of traction to work a squash! LOD on the Funeral Parlor! The Natural Disasters! Probably more people eating ice cream bars if we’re lucky!

Aside from the marriage proposal this wasn’t an earth-shattering episode of television, sadly.