The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.14.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstsrs – 03.14.87

Taped from New Haven, CT on 02.16.87

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura & Bruno Sammartino

The Killer Bees v. Iron Mike Sharpe & Tiger Chung Lee

The Bees have their…interesting…full length black tights here. Thankfully that was a short-lived experiment. The Bees double-team Sharpe’s arm while I gaze transfixed at the black tights, unable to look away but desperately trying to do so. It’s like a fashion car wreck, with women and children screaming for help as the gas tank explodes and you could go over and help, but you’re just frozen and staring. It’s like you can’t even call 911 to get the fire trucks out to help the burning victims because the spectacle is both terrifying and fascinating at the same time and also there was fireworks in the car’s trunk and they’ve been ignited and are going off at the same time. And random passers-by are like “You sociopath, why don’t you call for help?” and sure, you’re a volunteer fire fighter on the weekend and you’re a fully trained and First Aid certified EMT, but your eyes are just drawn to the carnage and plus it’s pretty chilly out and you’d have to start your car again to warm it up if you turned it off to help. Plus you’ve got your new shirt on and really it’s not worth getting it dirty, just in case you decide you want to return it. I mean the tags are still attached and everything. OK I’m gonna level with you, it’s a stolen shirt. That’s why the tags are still on it. You just walked out of the store with it and didn’t even feel bad about it. Maybe that random guy, who is kind of fire right now because he decided to help the victims and got lit on fire himself, is right and you are a sociopath. Also I was lying earlier about the fire fighter thing. You’re not actually a fire fighter, volunteer or otherwise. Your kid did watch a lot of Paw Patrol though. And also I’m lying about the EMT training. You did binge the Pitt season 1, though. So that’s close. Also the car you’re in is also stolen and technically you’re on the run from the cops so it would be a bad idea to wreck your low profile by helping the accident victims and the other guy who is now burning to death in the fire because he tried to help. In fact, actually you’ve already driven off anyway, and you might have run someone over on the way. I dunno, how are you even supposed to keep track? I mean, what do I look like, the highway patrol? It’s their own fault for being on the sidewalk and having their headphones on. Accountability is important and no one takes any these days. Least of all you. And frankly I don’t appreciate the implication that you’re somehow morally superior to me just because you’ve never stolen a car and driven away from a burning accident scene while wearing a stolen shirt. Congratulations, Mother Teresa, here’s your medal. Although technically Mother Teresa is dead and therefore probably wouldn’t be much help in this situation either. You know who else is dead? Possibly the guy you ran over on the sidewalk. I’m not saying definitely, because I didn’t stop to check, and frankly it’s irresponsible to speculate about someone’s medical condition without knowing all the facts. Just like the cops would probably accuse me of causing the accident in the first place, that’s the kind of day I’m having. That’s the problem with social media these days, everyone just jumps to conclusions. For all we know he’s perfectly fine. Maybe he just likes lying on the sidewalk with his legs pointing in different directions. You don’t know his life. Stop judging people. Anyway, the important thing is that the shirt fits really well and the store’s security cameras were probably broken. Whatever, I’m not your mom, do what you want. Help out accident victims, don’t help, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. Bees with the dropkick for the pin on Tiger Chung Lee at 4:49.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

This week, it’s the TALE OF THE TAPE between Hogan and Andre, and the measurements say that Hulk Hogan is FUCKED.

King Harley Race v. Don Driggers

Driggers has been on these shows a lot and he seems to be a pretty decent hand. We get a criss cross to start and Driggers hits Race with a dropkick, but he misses a second one while JYD watches on the TV in the back. Unfortunately back then we couldn’t have the TV in the background while the person tried to look at the camera at the same time, so instead we have to take it on faith that the match is on the monitor that JYD is watching. Race drops a knee and finishes with the cradle suplex at 1:45.

Meanwhile, Butch Reed talks about his upcoming Wrestlemania showdown with Koko B. Ware, and promises to feed Frankie to Koko after the win.

Koko B. Ware v. Barry O

We’ve got all the high level enhancement guys this week. Koko does some dancing to avoid Barry’s offense, but then powerslams him out of the corner for two. We get an inset from Tito Santana, who offers words of encouragement for Koko in advance of facing Reed. How was Koko supposed to hear that promo when he’s wrestling in the ring? What a moron. Barry tosses Koko and puts the boots to him on the ropes while security is tossing some guy at ringside, but Koko comes back with a missile dropkick and finishes with the Ghostbuster at 2:52. Surprised they didn’t scrap the match from this show given how noticeably security was dealing with the ringside situation.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene talks with Aretha Franklin, and discusses Jake Roberts and his snake.

Meanwhile, Bob Uecker hangs out with his good friend Andre the Giant.

Hercules v. Mario Mancini

Herc beats him down with forearms and puts the boots to him before hitting a corner clothesline and more forearms. So the crowd starts loudly chanting “We want Hulk” for some reason and I’m not sure about the context there, and the full nelson finishes at 1:22. I guess they did a Hogan v. Hercules dark match on this taping so maybe it was something that happened there.

Piper’s Pit with special guest Hulk Hogan. Hulk knows that there’s no way he’ll “let some fat boy put a sleeper on you” and shave his head. Piper, who has only two weeks left, quips that Hulk will be six feet under the ground before he ever lays down and lets someone get the belt from around his waist. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

Wrestlemania III Report! With Mean Gene!

We get comments from various participants with not much of note that we haven’t heard before. Two weeks left!

Randy Savage v. Sivi Afi

Afi gets a rollup off the bell for two, but he takes it to the floor and Macho schools him out there. Back in, Macho runs Afi into the turnbuckle and it has no effect, but Afi goes up for a splash and hits the knees. Savage puts him down with the clothesline and sends him to the floor again before sending him into the railing via a knee to the back. Back in the ring, Macho powerslams him and finishes with the big elbow at 1:20. This was a pretty energetic match for only running a minute long.

NEXT WEEK: Jake the Snake! Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Iron Sheik! Honky Tonk Man! Hulk Hogan! Highlights from SNME!