The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.28.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.28.87

Taped from New Haven, CT on 02.16.87

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, “the somewhat mesomorphic” Jesse Ventura and Bruno Sammartino. Somewhat?

Oooo this is a U-Matic tape edition. FANCY.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant sign their contract for Wrestlemania III in an amazing segment, where Hulk is twitching like he forgot his ADHD meds and Andre just sits there across the table from him staring icicles through his soul. But first, Bobby Heenan demands a NEW championship belt that will fit a giant, not the piece of crap belt that was designed for Hogan. Hulk: “SIGN IT IF YOU’RE GONNA SIGN IT!” What is it that the kids say, GOTTEN TO? Hulk has been gotten to. Hulk lies again and says that Andre only had to ask for a title shot, which we all know is bullshit because he was afraid of him. He’s clearly afraid here. Andre: “You think I taught you everything I know in pro wrestling? I didn’t.” And then he moves into French, and Hulk, the racist, snaps “SPEAK TO ME IN ENGLISH!” and then Andre gives him one last “Au revoir” and dismisses him on the way out. Andre was clearly the babyface in this feud.

King Kong Bundy v. Billy Jerk Haynes

How the hell has Haynes managed to stay alive when everyone else around him wound up dead? Bundy quickly puts him down and tries a splash, but Haynes moves and fights back with chops until Bundy clotheslines him down again and puts the big fat boots to him. Meanwhile we get an inset from Hillbilly and his little friends, as Jim promises to protect them. Sadly he couldn’t live up to that promise. Well, not sadly as such, it was pretty funny. Bundy with a slam on Haynes, but he misses the Avalanche and it’s full nelson time, at which point Bobby runs in for the DQ at 1:55. And of course this allows Hercules to hit the ring and the heel beatdown is on. And since Billy Jerk has no friends, no one comes out to save him, and he’s left laying like a big loser. He was such a toxic loser that he had to pay a guy to play his “cousin” from Oregon. Yeah, his cousin, that’s the ticket, you just hadn’t heard of him before. He went to a different high school than you.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Let’s discuss George Steele and his love of Elizabeth, which is proving to be irritating to the Macho Man. We hear from Liz, who doesn’t think Steele would ever do anything to hurt her, but then Savage bursts in and ends the interview.

The Rougeau Brothers v. Dave Wagner & Rick Renslow

The Rougeaus finally debut their familiar blue and yellow gear here, which gives them a bit more visual pop. Renslow and Wagner immediately collide, while we get an inset from Dino Bravo in French. SPEAK TO ME IN ENGLISH! Rougeaus quickly hit a double-team hiptoss and splash on Wagner for two, although the bell rings prematurely, and then the assisted senton finishes for real at 1:53.

LAST WEEK: Jake Roberts talks shit about Honky Tonk Man on the Snake Pit, so Honky sneaks up on him and clobbers him with a guitar to kick off their feud.

Honky Tonk Man v. Jerry Monty

Honky is rapidly approaching nuclear heat for his entrance, and we get an inset from Jimmy Hart promising a surprise for the Wrestlemania III report. Honky beats on Monty with knees and puts him down with a back elbow, and then follows with a hooking clothesline. And the Shake Rattle & Roll finishes at 1:30.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Bob Uecker, upcoming guest ring announcer for Wrestlemania III. Gene gives Bob a sport coat owned by Andre the Giant, and of course it’s a bit too big for him.

Meanwhile, Bobby Heenan introduces us to guest timekeeper Mary Hart, who thinks that Bobby is a weasel.

Kamala v. David Stoudemire

Kamala attacks Stoudemire and kicks him down while we get an inset promo from newcomer HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN, done from his pickup truck on his way out of the UWF studios probably. And Kamala splashes the kid and goes up to finish with the flying splash at 0:55.

Piper’s Pit with special guests the British Bulldogs and Tito Santana. They’re all coming to get Danny Davis because now he’s a wrestler and he can’t hide behind the referee uniform anymore!

WRESTLEMANIA III REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

And we’ve got a surprise announcement of a new match: Honky Tonk Man v. Jake Roberts, bringing our total to TWELVE. Plus Alice Cooper will be in Jake’s corner, during a pretty low point in his musical career if we’re being honest. Trash and Hey Stoopid were a pretty impressive reinvention of his career a couple of years later.

Adrian Adonis & The Dream Team v. The Can-Am Connection & Leaping Lanny Poffo

Oh I was wondering when we were gonna get to this one! As usual Poffo talks shit about the heels and gets attacked for it, but the babyfaces regroup and clean house on the heels. Beefcake starts with Martel and beats on him in the corner while we get an inset from Adonis, again promising to do a barber job on Piper soon. Martel gets a backslide on Beefcake for two, but the heels take him to the corner and work on his arm. Over to Zenk and he dropkicks Hammer into the corner, but misses a blind charge and gets clobbered. Back to Martel and he slugs away on Beefcake before giving some shots to Valentine and Adonis and dumping Adrian over the top rope. But then Beefcake gets a cheapshot on Martel to take over and they double-team Martel in the corner while Adonis grabs his scissors to cut some hair. But Beefcake gets in the way and Adonis accidentally cuts some of his hair, allowing Martel to roll him up for the pin at 3:41. And so Brutus is irate and presumably looking to get some revenge on Adonis somehow. We’ll see where that goes. That was actually a brilliant bit of booking to wrap up the one storyline and tie it into a new one, plus a character change for Beefcake on top of it. Vince used to have the juice, as the kids say.

NEXT WEEK: Junkyard Dog! Ricky Steamboat! The Hart Foundation! More on Wrestlemania III!