The SmarK Rant for WWF in MSG – 03.15.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF in MSG – 03.15.91

Originally written 04.03.26

I saw this one advertised during the last episode of Superstars I reviewed, and I just couldn’t resist reviewing it because one match in particular sounded like it might either be glorious or a complete trainwreck and I wanted to know. Obviously this is in the final buildup to Wrestlemania VII.

Taped from Madison Square Garden, drawing 14000.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Lord Alfred Hayes & Bobby Heenan

Marty Jannetty v. Pat Tanaka

Interesting opener. Tanaka hits Marty with kicks to put him down right away and grabs a headlock, but Marty leapfrogs him into a punch that puts him on the floor. “Tanaka looking for a little fried rice out there on the floor” notes Gorilla. Why would he want carbs in the middle of a match? Back in the ring, Tanaka tries another headlock, but Marty escapes and sends him to the floor again, following with a dive this time. Back in the ring, we get an extended bit of the referee giving the gears to Fuji, which allows Tanaka to undo a turnbuckle after a hilariously long period of time and several failed attempts. Is this his first day as a heel? And after all that he still couldn’t even get it all the way off! So they slug it out and Marty hits him with the back elbow and superkick, but Tanaka necks him on the top rope and tosses him to the floor via an impressive bump by Marty. Back in the ring, Tanaka splits the legs for a headbutt to the midsection and beats on him with headbutts, but Marty comes back with a bulldog out of the corner that gets two. Tanaka takes him down in the corner and gets two with the ropes, but Marty gets his own rollup for two. Tanaka with a superkick to put him down again and then he pops up with a double chop for two. Tanaka loads up a chop that sends Marty flying to the floor, but Marty slides back in, so Tanaka smashes him with a double axehandle to the back. Tanaka with a tombstone, but Marty reverses to his own and it’s the terrifying Owendriver ’97 variation, and that gets the pin at 10:30. Holy shit he SPIKED the dude with that one. ***. Good opener.

Koko B. Ware v. The Mountie

Koko looks wholly unimpressed to be out there tonight. Mountie tells him who the Mountie is (spoiler: He is the Mountie) so Koko dropkicks him out to the floor. Back in, Koko with a backslide for two. Koko evades him with speed, but Mountie kicks him RIGHT IN THE BREADBASKET and runs him into the turnbuckle to take over. Good thing Tanaka wasn’t able to get that thing off or he’d be DEAD. Mountie puts the boots to him while yelling at him to get up, and then finishes with a chokeslam at 4:43. No wonder Koko had jobbing face here. He got NOTHING. *

The Warlord v. British Bulldog

They do the test of strength and Bulldog rolls out of that, so Warlord clubbers him down. Bulldog comes back with shoulderblocks to run Warlord out to the floor. Back in, Davey tries a crucifix and Warlord slams out of it. Warlord drops an elbow for two and the ref just stops counting for some reason, which Alfred explains as him seeing that Warlord had a handful of trunks, but Davey was making no effort to kick out. That was weird. Warlord with a bearhug and Davey slugs out of that, but Warlord drops him with a stungun and Davey bumps to the floor. Back in, Warlord tries a Boston crab of some kind and can’t even do that right, so he slams Davey and gets two. And AGAIN they do the thing where the ref stops counting at two because of holding the trunks, so I’m assuming they had that spot planned out and one of them forgot about it. Bulldog comes back with a dropkick and runs Warlord into the turnbuckles for the 10 count, and a crossbody gets two. Bulldog with a sunset flip and Warlord blocks for two, but Bulldog finishes the move for two. Blind charge hits boot in the corner and Warlord tries for a powerslam, but Davey grabs the ropes to block and rolls him up for the pin at 10:23. They usually had decent chemistry together but this was kind of a mess. ½*

Tugboat v. The Undertaker

MSG debut for Paul Bearer here. Taker attacks in the corner and hits Tugboat with a DDT and then puts the boots to him after a flying clothesline. Uncle Fred fights back and clotheslines him to the floor, but Taker necks him on the top rope and goes up with a Spoiler-inspired ropewalk flying elbow for the pin at 3:20. Tugboat has been sunk, you might say. Complete squash for Taker. DUD

WWF World tag team title: The Hart Foundation v. Earthquake & Dino Bravo

OK, this one I’m very interested in seeing. I feel like it’s either gonna be shockingly great or a complete disaster for some reason. Bret hits Bravo with an atomic drop as Bravo struggles to go up for it, and then Bret goes to the arm and the Harts double-team him in the corner to take over. Over to the Quake, but he misses an elbow on Bret and Anvil comes in and hits him with forearms in the corner. Bret whips Anvil into him and they put him down with a double clothesline. But then the heels trap Bret in the corner and work him over with help from Jimmy Hart distraction. Quake slams Bret into the corners and we get some illegal switches while Anvil gets angry, and Quake drops an elbow for two. Quake with the powerslam for two and Anvil makes the save, so it’s over to Bravo for a bearhug. They cut off the ring and we get a false tag to Anvil, allowing the heels to hit a double slam on Bret. But then Anvil breaks up the Quake splash and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, as the Harts double-slam Bravo and Anvil puts Bret on top for the pin at 10:11 to retain. Sadly this wasn’t great or bad, it was just disappointingly solid. **1/2.

The Barbarian v. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell

Brunzell was seriously still around and doing jobs in 1991? Barbarian works the arm and chops Jim into the corner, and then cuts off a Brunzell comeback with a clothesline and pounds him down. Barbarian whips him into the corner and goes to a surfboard until Brunzell bails to the floor to escape. Gorilla constantly putting over how Wrestlemania is “completely sold out” and PPV is the only way to see it is hilariously considering that ticket sales were so bad that they wouldn’t even say the arena on TV. There was ABSOLUTELY still tickets available for the show at this point. Barbarian goes up and misses a flying nothing, allowing Jumpin’ Jim to make a comeback with the dropkick for two. And then Barbarian levels him with the Kick of Fear at 7:26, showing that the REAL Killer B was “Barbarian”. ½*

Ted Dibiase v. Texas Tornado

Kerry invites Virgil out to be in his corner and then attacks the distracted Dibiase and runs him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Dibiase fires back with chops, but Tornado runs him into the turnbuckles for the 10 count, which is impressive because I didn’t think he could count that high. Rollup gets two as Dibiase gets distracted by Virgil again, and they fight on the floor before Kerry runs him into the post and hits him with the tornado punch out there. Back in the ring, Kerry keeps slugging away on Dibiase, but he misses a blind charge and hits the post, landing on the floor for a brawl out there. Back in the ring, Dibiase beats on him in the corner and elbows him down while telling Virgil what’s what. Dibiase with a suplex and he tosses Kerry to the floor, but he tries a slam back in the ring and Virgil hooks the leg, putting Kerry on top for the pin at 4:55. Nothing to this one as they were keeping it notably short with Kerry. ½*

Kato v. Shawn Michaels

Kato with a monkey flip out of the corner to start, but then Shawn tries his own and Kato blocks him and puts him on the top rope. So Shawn takes him down with an armdrag from there and then hits his own monkey flip in the other corner before going to work on the arm. Kato chops him down but Shawn gets a rollup and takes him down with armdrags again before walking into a facejam. Kato with the back elbow for two off that and he goes to the nerve pinch. Shawn fights out of that and Kato hits him with a knee for two and whips him into the corner. Shawn comes back with his own whip to the corner and Kato counters to a bodypress, so Shawn rolls through for two. Kato pus him down with a clothesline for two. Back to the nerve pinch and Shawn fights out of that, but Kato puts him down again and goes back to it. Bobby explains Japanese psychology in the meantime, revealing that Japan has no concept of a senior prom and instead everyone in the country goes to one big dance. Shawn elbows him down, but Kato puts the boots to him in the corner before missing a charge and crotching himself in the corner. Shawn comes back with an atomic drop into a clothesline and runs wild with a back elbow and superkick, showing great babyface fire. To the top for a flying elbow, which gets two. Rollup gets two, but Kato grabs the tights and gets two. Fuji trips up Shawn and Marty takes him out, but Tanaka grabs the cane and spears Shawn in the ring, putting Kato on top for the pin at 12:40. This was apparently Shawn’s first **** match in Observer, but it was a little too resthold-y for me in the middle to go that high and I didn’t like the screwjob finish. ***1/2

Flag match: WWF champion Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hulk Hogan as usual sticks his nose into someone else’s business, coming out to second Duggan despite literally no one asking for it or wanting it. Duggan slugs away on Sarge in the corner to start and stomps his hand when he bails to the floor. Back in the ring, Slaughter claims a hairpull, and Duggan runs him into the corner a few times, triggering Slaughter’s ringpost bump. Duggan puts his head down and Slaughter slugs him down and chokes him out on the ropes before getting a sleeper. The logical issue here is that cutting off the oxygen to Duggan’s brain isn’t likely to have any effect. Duggan runs him into the corner to break free, but Slaughter gets a backbreaker for two to take over again. Sarge to the top with a flying knee for two. Sarge goes up again, but cheating sore loser Hogan pushes him off behind the ref’s back and then goes after Adnan for no reason as well. So Slaughter rightly goes to defend his manager and chokes out Hogan to teach him a lesson about mind his own beeswax. Back in the ring, Slaughter works the back and puts Duggan in the camel clutch, but no good cheating Hogan runs in with the board and knocks Slaughter out to break it up. So they do a bizarre double down sequence where the ref is counting them both down like it’s a Texas Death match, and they take turns beating the count, and then Adnan just runs in for the DQ at 13:00. A shitty match with a shitty finish. *. And then Duggan and Hulk clean house on the heels and wave the flag to send the crowd home happy.

This was an up and down show for me, with a couple of good Rockers singles matches and not much else of note. Not really worth going out of your way to see.