The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 40 (Night One) – 04.06.24

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 40 (Night One) – 04.06.24

Fun fact: Famous Hollywood actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is also a wrestler sometimes! Mind blown.

Live from Philadelphia, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves & Pat McAfee

But first! HHH joins us to introduce the new era of Wrestlemania.

WWE Women’s World title: Rhea Ripley v. Becky Lynch

The introductions done with what seems like a high framerate camera in the ring looked interesting and different. Definitely not a Kevin Dunn touch. Becky charges and gets sent to the apron to start, but she goes up with a missile dropkick and they head to the floor. Back in the ring, Rhea slams her facefirst and follows with a northern lights suplex for two. Rhea with a delayed suplex, but Becky reverses to a cradle for two, and Rhea just hits another one for two. Rhea with a dropkick and she goes up for our first reference to Eddie Guerrero of the night, with more to come I’m sure, but Becky brings her down with an armdrag and a DDT for two. They head to the apron and Becky guillotines her out there and back in with a flying legdrop for two. Becky tries a bodypress and Rhea catches her with a fallaway slam and follows with a big boot for two. Becky escapes the Riptide and takes her down with an armbar, but Rhea slams out of that and powerbombs her for two as apparently the temperature is dropping faster than Truth Social’s stock price. Big boot from Rhea gets two. She charges and hits the post, and Becky goes after the arm in the corner as a result, but Rhea catches her in the scorpion crosslock and hooks the bodyscissors in the middle. Becky rolls her over for two, but Rhea tries another Riptide, and Becky reverses to the uranage for two. They fight over a backslide and Rhea hits the Riptide out of that, which also gets two. Rhea goes up and Becky cuts her off with a superplex into the armbar. Rhea takes her to the floor to escape with an electric chair out there, and back in for a frog splash that gets two. They fight to the apron again and Rhea tries a deadlift suplex, but Becky kind of counters, only for Rhea to slam her onto the top turnbuckle and finish with the Riptide at 17:15 to retain. Took a while to get going, I’m assuming due to Becky being ill, but they were working hard and it got really good before the botched finish. ***3/4. I’m on board with keeping the title on Ripley for a while longer.

Meanwhile, 10 minutes of commercials and video packages that I can thankfully skip through because I’m watching on a three hour delay.

WWE tag team title ladder match: The Judgment Day v. DIY v. The Awesome Truth v. Pete Dunne & Tyler Bate v. The New Day v. Grayson Waller & Austin Theory

This is quite the group of geeks challenging for the titles tonight. So the titles are explicitly on two different hangers, which would thankfully seem to indicate that they’re splitting them up tonight. Also I’d like to throw out a mention to Wheatley Vodka, which is apparently the official vodka of Wrestlemania, so if you’re drinking any other vodka tonight, FUCK YOU. You’re obviously a classless asshole. Everyone quickly climbs for the belts and comes crashing down until it hurts inside. The champs beat on Dunne and Ciampa with the ladders, but Tyler Bate is a Big Strong Boy who puts Balor on his shoulders while carrying the ladder before tossing him into another ladder. To the floor, where New Catch Republic hits everyone with double moonsaults off the ladder. You know, I’m glad that Pete Dunne can be himself again, but I really liked the Bruisers as a unit and they were a fun team. Back in the ring, JD teams up with some messy ladder shots while R-Truth asks for the HOT TAG and runs wild with John Cena’s moves. Oh Truth, you’re so lovably stupid. Miz returns from wherever he was, perhaps drinking some delicious Wheatley vodka, the OFFICIAL vodka of Wrestlemania, and DIY do their DX homage to take out Balor. So they both climb for the titles, but Theory and Waller take them out and get the blue belts at 7:45.

So the match continues for the other belts, as Dunne and Bate powerbomb Waller through a ladder outside. DIY sets up tables on the floor, brought to you by Wheatley vodka, the official vodka of Wrestlemania. I wonder if that was what Sandman was drinking when he was drunk off his ass in Philly in the 90s. New Day gets their shit in next, clearing the ring and climbing for the other belts, but Kofi dives onto the pile outside, leaving Theory to climb for the belts. New Catch saves and takes him out. Gargano randomly DDTs Dunne through a table at ringside, and Ciampa takes Bate off the ladder with an Air Raid Crash. This leaves Truth alone to climb for the titles, but JD McDonough runs in and saves the titles to huge heel heat. And then New Day pushes him over and puts him through the ringside tables, as brought to you by Wheatley vodka, the official sponsor of Wrestlemania run-ins. Priest goes for the title next, but Miz makes the save and they both awkwardly fall off. So Priest climbs again, but Truth tosses him out of the ring and retrieves the red tag team titles at 17:19 to finally get his big moment. Brought to you by Wheatley vodka, which probably shouldn’t be mixed with Prime energy. This was a big mess that felt pretty rushed, with 80% of the guys just disappearing for minutes at a time while a couple of people did a spot and then disappeared again. Some good bumps but there wasn’t much of a story to the match and it ultimately felt it was just a gimmick to split up the tag titles and get them off Priest in advance of what I assume is the cash-in tomorrow. ***

Rey Mysterio & Andrade v. Dom Mysterio & Santos Escobar

I was kind of hoping for a mask v. hair match to wrap up the Mysterio family feud and send Rey into retirement. Andrade chops Dom down to start and the babyfaces clear the ring and then do a cool double crossbody with Rey on Andrade’s shoulders to the floor. Back in the ring, Rey threatens to whip his son again, but Dom takes his father out and brings Escobar in for a backbreaker on Rey that gets two. Dominick with a facelock on Rey to cut off the ring and he gets a back elbow for two. Santos and Dom with a double dropkick on Rey for two and Escobar goes to a chinlock while the match slows right down and the announcers bicker. Rey finally comes back with a Code Red and makes the tag to Andrade, who runs wild on Dom with the double knees. Double moonsault gets two. Back to Rey with the 619 on Escobar and Andrade moonsaults Dom on the floor. Next up, we get the fight between all the seconds and I’m not gonna lie, I’m not really clear about who is on which side here. I guess the ref is bumped somewhere in here and then some other guys in masks who I don’t know come out of the crowd and beat up Dom, allowing Rey to splash Escobar for the pin at 11:18. And then it turns out that the masked guys were football people, Taylor Swift’s drunk future brother in law and some other guy I don’t know. There was a lot going on here and it was mostly just an OK TV match that didn’t feel like any kind of Wrestlemania match at all. **1/2

Jey Uso v. Jimmy Uso

They brawl on the floor and Jey clotheslines Jimmy as Michael describes this as “only the third time that real life brothers are going at it at Wrestlemania”. I don’t know what he’s trying to insinuate about Kane and Undertaker but I don’t like it one bit. Apparently this is brought to you by something called “Dude Wipes” and I SWEAR TO CHRIST I am not going to Google that shit even if the punchline would be hilarious. Jimmy takes over with running butt splashes in the corner and he follows with a superkick while the tagline for Dude Wipes seems to clarify that indeed this match is sponsored by baby wipes for grown ass men who either have sweaty ballsacks or don’t know how to wipe their ass properly and once again I DO NOT WANT TO GOOGLE IT and find out. The Usos slug it out and we get a double down and there’s a distinct vibe here that the crowd just doesn’t want to see these guys fighting each other. So they continue trading endless superkicks and no-selling them, which I’M JUST SAYING is exactly the kind of stuff that whiny AEW trolls on Twitter constantly bitch about while quoting Jim Cornette. So Jey goes for the big superkick but Jimmy asks for mercy and apologizes, but then turns on Jey again and goes up with the Uso splash for two. Is Jey seriously so stupid that he hasn’t learned his lesson after a year of this? Jey comes back with a spear and goes up with a splash for the anticlimactic pin at 11:21. Yeah this didn’t work at all for me and this was kind of in the ballpark of one of the most disappointing WM matches of all time. *

Meanwhile, we learn that Cody’s bus was sponsored by Wheatley Vodka, which leads me to believe that it caught on fire due to an accidental Molotov cocktail. Or maybe not so accidental, given Seth Rollins’ catchphrase is BURN IT DOWN. Burn down what, someone’s bus?

Asuka, Kairi Sane & Dakota Kai v. Bianca Belair, Jade Cargill & Naomi

Asuka dancing to Bianca’s music is adorable. The babyfaces double-team Kairi and Naomi gets a split legged splash in the corner for two. Kairi dumps her, however, and follows with a flying elbow to the floor, and back in for two. Asuka with a sliding dropkick for two, but Naomi fights out of the corner while we are reminded that the match is brought to you by some kind of chicken wing proprietor. Bianca comes in and runs wild before slamming Damage Ctrl onto each other and moonsaulting them all for two. Dakota cuts off a potential tag to Jade and the heels work Bianca over, but it’s hot tag Jade and she throws all the heels around. Michinoku Driver on Kai gets two. Asuka mists Kairi by mistake and Bianca hits the KOD on Asuka, before Jade finishes Kai with the Jaded at 8:00. Not really much to this one, pretty much an extended squash for the babyfaces. **1/2.

Intercontinental title: Gunther v. Sami Zayn

NEWSFLASH: Apparently Rocky is a “fictional” character, according to Michael Cole. EXPLAIN THE STATUE THEN. They trade chops to start and Gunther catches him with a german suplex and pounds him with kicks on the ropes. Poor Sami gets hung upside down in the corner and stomped to the apron before Gunther beats him down again. Gunther just destroys him with chops, but Sami fights up again and absorbs the shots before making a comeback with a half and half suplex. And then Gunther just pops up with a lariat for two. Sami comes back again with a tornado DDT, but Gunther blocks the Heluva Kick with a sleeper. Sami goes for the ropes, so Gunther suplexes him on his head again to teach him a lesson. But Sami comes back again with an exploder into the corner, only for Gunther to pop out with another shotgun dropkick and the powerbomb for two. Sami won’t stay down, so Gunther hits him with his own Heluva Kick, and Sami fires back with one of his own before falling on top for two. Gunther is DONE with this shit and just powerbombs Sami into next week, but that only gets two. Gunther talks some shit to Sami’s wife and puts the boots to Sami, and then just clubs him down with another lariat as Sami is amazing at selling like the underdog babyface. Another powerbomb to ragdoll Sami and the crowd is Team Gunther at this point, so Gunther goes up with a flying splash and dedicates it to Sami’s wife. Well that’s nice. Sami fires up, however, and hits another kick in the corner to bring Gunther down and follows with a brainbuster on the top turnbuckle in an insane spot, and that sets up another Heluva kick in the corner as Sami makes one last comeback and gets the pin and the title at 15:31 to end Gunther’s reign at 666 days. Clearly it was time to switch the title and move Gunther up to something bigger. Kinda thought they’d go with Chad Gable, but when you need an underdog babyface, call Sami. ****1/2.

Cody Rhodes & Seth Rollins v. The Rock & Roman Reigns

Rock’s entrance is incredible, like something out of a video game come to life, which I guess is kind of the point. Also he has apparently declared himself to be some kind of World champion, and I’m not arguing with him. He probably should be the champion if we’re all being honest with each other. Roman works a headlock on Seth to start, but Seth gets a superkick and it’s Cody time. He slugs away on Roman and the faces try to double-team him, but Roman brings in the Rock instead. So he overpowers Seth right away and puts the boots to him and then DEMANDS Cody bring it. So Cody comes in and does not bring it as requested, delivering a beating perhaps suitable for the elderly or those recovering from open heart surgery. You were told to BRING IT, so please do so. Thankfully it turns into an brawl because we’re 12 minutes into the match and nothing has really happened thus far. The ref starts the count and Rock threatens to FIRE HIM if he continues counting because the Rock doesn’t fuck around. YOU TELL HIM, ROCK!

Rock tells me not to count and I say “Whatever you say, Rock” and stop counting because I know what’s good for me. Rock beats on Seth with a garbage can over in the crowd before spitting water on him. That’s pretty dangerous considering the temperature there. Back to ringside, where McAfee talks about “being on the juice” to describe the excitement of the guys and Corey gently corrects his verbiage. Back in the ring, Rock goes to work on Seth’s knee and the heels beat on that in the corner. Roman with a half crab, but Seth fights out and clotheslines him to the floor. And then Rock has to do everything himself again, running Seth into the stairs to work on the back. Back in the ring, the Samoans work on Seth in the corner, but Seth counters the superman punch with a neckbreaker. And then Rock comes in and punches him in the nuts to cut off the hot tag. Well done, Rock!

Seth comes back with the enzuigiri and dives for the hot tag, but Roman pulls Cody off the apron and Rock puts Rollins in his patented submission hold, the Scorpion King Deathlock. Crybaby Cody makes the save illegally and allows Seth to curbstomp the Rock, and Cody is finally able to get the hot tag. Powerslam for Roman to set up the disaster kick and a Cody Cutter for two. Another disaster kick is countered by a superman punch for two from Roman. Spear is countered into a rollup for two and Seth tags himself in with a frog splash for two. Roman powerbombs him and sets up for another spear, but Cody comes in again and throws superkicks to set up the Crossroads before Rock takes out the ref to save. Look, the Rock warned that ref about who was boss. IT’S THE ROCK. So Roman spears Cody and that gets two. I feel like the Rock should order the ref to count faster. Next up, Roman hooks him with the guillotine, and Rock helpfully pulls on Cody’s legs to add extra leverage, but Rollins saves with the stomp. Rock disgustedly tosses him out of the ring like trash, which let’s face it, he is when compared to the Rock.

Rock luckily has his own weight belt, and he very considerately runs down the beating that is about to come so that Cody’s family understands what’s in store for Crybaby Cody. Spinebuster follows to set up the People’s Elbow, but Cody counters into a Cody Cutter and the crowd is kind of pissed about that. I would be too, if I’m paying $1800 for a secondary market ticket I want to see a goddamn People’s Elbow. Roman saves and tries the spear, but he spears Rock by mistake and the babyfaces hit stereo Pedigrees for two. Back to the floor and it’s time for Rock to teach Crybaby Cody another lesson, hopefully sending his goofy looking dog to the pound too. Never liked that dog. Cody fights out of a Rock Bottom on the table and hits Rock with his own version through the table, which is mad disrespectful, yo. And then Roman spears Seth through the barrier at ringside for good measure. Back in the ring after a Drive By on Cody, and Roman beats him down until Cody catches him in a pair of Crossroads. But Rock saves with a chairshot and Roman spears Cody and it’s over to the Final Boss for a MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE’S ELBOW, dedicated to Mama Rhodes, and that finishes at 44:33. Well this was a lot of a lot. I dunno, it was…OK? Just very long and not much to the match with a crowd was kind of dead due to being frozen half to death. **1/2.

Did we really need 45 minutes for that? I was kind of hoping they’d do the big brawl Attitude Era stuff and keep it at a brisk 20 and wrap it up but then it just kept GOING and finally ended on the predictable down note. Clearly not the fault of the Rock, who can do whatever he wants, but everyone else needs to look in the mirror and cast the blame on themselves.

I mean, I did manage to cut the show down to 2:30 by skipping through all the video packages and commercials and commercials for video packages on Peacock that I can’t watch because we don’t get Peacock in Canada and they don’t distribute the documentaries elsewhere in the world, but mostly I found this show kind of boring overall and a big disappointment after Uncle Paul promised it was a new era to start. Not bad, but I’ll have forgotten everything that happened by tomorrow night. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down, for night one.