The SmarK Rant for WWE Unforgiven 2003

Oh, yeah, I guess there’s a PPV to do, still.

Live from Hershey, PA.

Your hosts are JR & King.

RAW World tag titles: La Resistance & Rob Conway v. The Dudley Boyz
This is a handicap match due to the “injuries” suffered by Spike. Rene slugs it out with D-Von to start, but gets bulldogged. D-Von gets a shoulderblock and a slam on Conway, and a legdrop. The Dudleyz double-team him in the corner and Bubba hammers away in the corner. Clothesline and Bubba sends the other two into the corner, and splashes all three of them at once. The Dudz flapjack Conway, but a cheapshot turns the tide, as Dupree pounds him down and Conway chops away. Grenier chokes him out. Dupree keeps slugging on the mat and Conway grabs a sleeper, but Bubba suplexes out and brings D-Von back in. He cleans house with the usual and gets a neckbreaker on Conway and a clothesline on Dupree, setting up a double-neckbreaker on Conway. They get the Wazzup Drop on Grenier and it’s time for tables. The Evil French head them off at the pass, however, and whip D-Von through a table in the corner. Apparently that now counts as an elimination. I don’t believe it ever has before, but it’s not like anyone cares. Grenier hammers on Bubba, but Bubba fights back and reverses a suplex to put him through a table. Dupree and Conway set up a table, but D-Von moves it to prevent a backdrop through it. Heel miscommunication leads to a BubbaBomb on Dupree, and the Dudleys toss Dupree through a table outside, as he smashes his head into a second table ala Spike. They never learn. Grenier grabs the flag and misses, and gets laid out for his troubles. Dupree comes back to clothesline them both, but sets up another table and 3D ends the reign of hell at 10:16. Thank god. Just another tables match. *1/2

Test v. Scott Steiner
Winner gets Stacy. Again. Test stomps him down to start, but Steiner powerslams him and starts chopping. Steinerline and pushups, and Test bails. They brawl outside as Test hides behind Stacy, then clubs Steiner from behind and sends him into the stairs. Back in, Steiner slowly fights back, but a full-nelson slam gets two for Test. Corner clothesline allows him more showboating time, but Steiner keeps fighting back. MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Steiner fights out, only to run into an elbow. Test goes up with whatever and lands in an overhead suplex from Steiner, and he makes the comeback with clotheslines and chops. Another belly to belly gets two. Test goes to the eyes to setup a pumphandle, but Steiner reverses to a super-sloppy Tiger driver for two. Test goes low (what’s he hitting there, exactly) and gets two. Stacy breaks up the pin, and necksnaps Test into an inverted DDT from Steiner that gets two. If they’re revealed as being in collusion, that spot makes no sense. Another pumphandle slam attempt works, but Stacy distracts him with her ass. Steiner rolls him up for two. Test chases Stacy, who runs into Steiner, causing him to get laid out with a big boot for two. He exposes a turnbuckle and grabs a chair, but Stacy steals it, chairshots Steiner by accident, and Test gets the pin at 6:56. Too long even at 7 minutes, as two guys with zero chemistry continue a months-long feud. The match just had no flow or heat and Steiner was even more useless than usual. It should also be pointed out that super-manly Scott Steiner just jobbed to a girl. Ѕ*

Shawn Michaels v. Randy Orton
Whose bright idea was it to send SHAWN MICHAELS in to make a new star? It’s the right role for him, but the wrong guy for that role, if you know what I mean. Shawn takes him down with a go-behind and exacts some humiliation to start. Shawn takes him down and works a headlock, but it’s a stalemate. Now Orton grabs the headlock, but gets tossed. He comes back in with a dropkick for two, and stomps away. He goes up and lands in an atomic drop from Michaels, who clotheslines him out of the ring and skins the cat back in. Apparently Shawn is now the master of it, having invented the move, and not Ricky Steamboat. He follows Orton out with a high cross to the floor. He tries a suplex back in, but Orton reverses. Shawn reverses to a german suplex, but can’t bridge properly due to his back, and gets two. Sunset flip gets two. He charges and hits boot, allowing Orton to slug away, but Shawn fires back. They trade shots in the corner until the ref pulls Shawn away, allowing Orton to dodge a charge and Shawn to hit the post. Flair tries to gallantly help Shawn back in, but his vision isn’t what it used to be and Shawn accidentally collides with the post again. Orton sends the shoulder into it again, and snaps the arm off the top. Back in, he works on the arm with some nice stuff, and hammerlocks it. Into an armbar, but Shawn fights out. Orton takes him down with an armbar takedown, for two. Back to the armbar, braced with the feet, although really a cross-armbreaker would be a better choice for getting this sort of psychology over. Shawn tries to fight out, but no go. Small package gets two for him, however, and Shawn does a little ground and pound and the flying forearm. Inverted atomic drop and he slugs Orton down, into a backdrop, and tosses Orton. Shawn follows for more punches and they brawl outside, as apparently the stuff with the arm isn’t actually going to led to anything. Back in, Flair tries to push Shawn off the top, but he gets a double-axehandle despite the interference, for two. Orton reverses a whip and sends Shawn into the corner, and goes up. That move where you can’t possibly hit anything misses, as he lands on Shawn’s boot. Superkick is blocked with an RKO, however, which gets two. That should have been the finish, period. Don’t kill the finisher for the sake of meaningless near-falls. That would never happen to the Pedigree. High cross misses, and Shawn goes up with the flying elbow, for two. He sells it as though it hurt himself, but he was selling the right elbow, and Orton was working left. Well, that’s Shawn for ya. He suddenly charges up with Sweet Chin Music for the clean pin, but Flair puts Randy’s foot on the ropes after the fact and the ref restarts the match. Yes, it’s a Dusty Finish. Flair gives Orton some brass courage, Shawn tries to suplex him, and Orton uses the Power of the Punch for the real pin at 19:22. I hate that finish on so many levels. Basically, it tells us that Shawn had him beat clean and Orton isn’t in his league, he can kick out of his finisher but Orton can’t, and Orton can only beat him through cheating. Sometimes that works, but if you’re going to make Orton a top-level heel, you have to distinguish him from the rest of the neutered chickenshit heels like Jericho and Christian to make the fans give a crap. The match itself was basic and pedestrian, but fine for what it was, aside from Shawn’s usual dodgy psychology and meaningless segment with the arm. **3/4

Trish Stratus & Lita v. Gail Kim & Molly Holly
Lita has one of the worst entrance themes I’ve ever heard. There’s no real melody, no chorus I can tell, and it has nothing to do with Lita. The babyface chicks clean house to start and get their own version of Poetry in Motion, sending the heels out. Lita starts proper with Gail and gets a backdrop, and a suplex. Trish comes in with a Thesz Press from the middle for one, and she chops away. Clothesline gets two. Trish rolls her up for two. The Matrix move dodges a shot, and the Kawada Kick gets two. Molly trips up Trish in an awkward spot, and Trish gets worked over on the floor. Back in, Molly bends her around a bit, and Kim stomps her down. Kim gets her own dragon sleeper, but Trish walks the ropes to escape. Molly yanks Lita off the apron to prevent the tag, and busting her lip open in the process. Molly cranks on a facelock on Trish, and it’s a false tag to Lita, allowing a double-team from the heels. That gets two. Molly gets a backbreaker for two. Trish escapes a suplex and takes both down with a headscissors, but Molly cuts off another tag. Kim misses a flying legdrop and Trish makes the hot tag to Lita, who clotheslines everyone and monkey-flips Molly into her lame punches. Lita should NOT punch people. Sloppy headscissors for Molly and Lita powerbombs Kim, but Molly lays her out. Molly goes up and gets caught with a handstand rana from Trish, and the Litasault finishes her at 6:41. Best women’s match since the heyday of Victoria & Trish. **1/2

Last Man Standing: Kane v. Shane McMahon
Kane is now going with the bare-chested look, to really emphasize that being burned alive multiple times have had no cosmetic effect on him. Shane attacks with a chair to start and gets a flying chairshot, but Kane is up at 6. Shane puts him down again for 6. Another shot, to the knees, and he posts the knee. Kane bails, and Shane clips him. Shane sends him into the stairs a few times, and that gets a 6 count. Kane casually shoves Shane into the crowd, but dives in again, and gets caught with a powerslam. Didn’t look good. That gets 5 for Kane. Kane stomps away and tosses him into the stairs, as I believe we’ve exhausted the usefulness of that particular spot. Kane uses the STEEL stairs on Shane’s head, and that gets an 8. Back in, Kane chokeslams him, but Shane pulls himself up at 7. Kane charges and the ref is laid out as a result. Kane brings the stairs in and tries a tombstone on them, but Shane reverses to a theoretical bulldog, which completely fails to make contact with the stairs. Shane then puts the stairs over Kane in the corner and takes FOREVER setting them up on Kane for his Van Terminator spot. They have to rapidly change camera angles to give the illusion of something happening. So yeah, he finally goes up for the Van Terminator, which barely even moves the stairs and looked terrible on TV. Besides, physics would say that the stairs absorb all the impact the way they’re set up anyway. Everyone is out, including the ref. Kane sells having the aluminum stairs mildly jolted into his hands for an eternity, before shoving them over onto Shane, who then plays dead as well. SMELL THE EXCITEMENT! Both guys are up at 8, and Kane tosses him. They brawl up the aisle and Shane uses his devastating POWER OF NEPOTISM to slug Kane down. Kane uses the CLUBBING FOREARM~! to drop him, however, and sends Shane into the sign a few times. That gets 6, as JR reminds us how tough and gutsy Shane is. Kane tosses the Spanish table onto Shane, but proceeds down to the ground to find that Shane has moved out of the way. It’s a SWERVE. Shane hammers back with some random piece of plastic, and then hits Kane with the boom camera. That gets 9. Shane drags Kane up to the stage using a cable (wow, what a monster) and slugs away, then goes low and DDTs him on the stage. He kicks him down, as Kane is clearly down and out and the ref ignores this completely, and Shane does the big climb. He tries what appears to be a senton off the rigging, which wouldn’t even have done damage had it hit, and Kane moves to get the win at 19:54. So Kane can’t beat Shane, he has to wait for Shane to try a big move and Shane thus beats himself and steals all the glory AGAIN. Well, they’ve killed off Kane completely as a monster heel, so I guess it’s time for him to challenge for the title again. This wasn’t so much a match as it was a 20-minute setup for Shane’s stuntman bump and frankly it was incredibly dull and boring outside of the dive. *1/2

Meanwhile, the Jericho-Austin war of words continues. If they actually let Jericho get verbally over on Austin it’d make him a HUGE star without ever needing to have Austin do a job in the ring.

Intercontinental title: Christian v. Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam
The Cs lay out RVD to start, but he dropkicks them and dumps Christian. He follows to the apron, but Jericho brings him in with a suplex, which Rob reverses to put Jericho on the floor. He follows them both down with a quebrada. This was put on way too soon after Shane burned out the crowd – this is where the women’s match should have gone. Back in, Rob kicks away at Christian in the corner, and gets the monkey flip for two. Who even BUYS that as a near-fall? It’s a MONKEY FLIP. Spinkick, but Jericho comes in with a high cross for two. Jericho & RVD slug it out as Christian disappears, and RVD ducks a cross-body and moonsaults him for two. Rob kicks him down again, but gets tripped up by Christian, clearly checking outside for his cue. Jericho gets two. They double-team RVD in the corner and get a double-elbow and choke away, as JR declares that RVD is “tougher than a waffle-house steak.” What, are they having “Write JR’s Metaphors” contests on WWE.com now, too? They keep working RVD over, but miss a clothesline and Rob cleans house, only to get hit with an enzuigiri from Jericho for two. This match is terrible, as they wander around the ring with no purpose and comebacks arrive and go erratically. Case in point, Rob gets a double-DDT on the heels, and Christian disappears while Rob gets two on Jericho. Rob, clearly not giving a crap about his art anymore, sleepwalks through a reversal sequence with Jericho and gets a plancha on Christian, and it’s so uninspired that the crowd can’t even be bothered to clap. Jericho dropkicks him off the apron and sends him into the post, which gets two. He chokes him out with the tape as the crowd is fast asleep, not even popping for the easy heel heat. Christian has disappeared to the floor while Jericho works a chinlock. Yeah, that’s what we need. Remember, guys like Jericho and RVD need to slow it down and work the mat to reeducate fans, but Shane can jump off buildings because “the fans like him”. Jericho gets the ARROGANT COVER for two. Crowd doesn’t care. Jericho blocks a rana with the Walls of Jericho, which FINALLY gets a reaction out of the lethargic crowd, but RVD’s goofy selling kills it. He looks more like he’s getting a blowjob. Christian breaks it up, thankfully, and gets two. Jericho and Christian slug it out and hit the floor, where Christian pounds away, but gets sent into the stairs. Back in, a high cross gets two. Jericho kicks him down, but Christian gets the inverted DDT for two. JR, as usual, calls it the Unprettier. Christian goes up, but Jericho stops to get RVD off the apron, which crotches Christian. Jericho superplexes him, and everyone is out. Nick Patrick counts, which is totally pointless, as even JR points out. RVD gets two on Christian, and a high cross on Jericho gets two. Jericho bulldogs him but misses the Lionsault, and Rob spinkicks him and gets a lazy Rolling Thunder for two. Christian comes off the top, but misses and hits Jericho, as RVD gets two, and things are FINALLY picking up. RVD drops Christian on Jericho in a silly 69 position, and then hits a frog splash on both of them. Everyone is out, and Nick Patrick is counting again. RVD gets two on Jericho. Rob tosses Christian, and brings Jericho down from the top rope, setting up an electric chair from the middle, which Christian then turns into a stacked powerbomb. Gee, wonder where they stole that from? Christian gets two on RVD. Then two on Jericho. RVD spinkicks him out of the ring and then dumps Jericho, but Christian grabs the belt. RVD catapults him into Jericho and rolls him up for two. Spinkick and he goes up, but leaves the title with Christian like an idiot, and of course lands on it and gets pinned at 19:03. Normally I’m an advocate of long matches, but in this case I would have made an exception, as things never got going and giving them 20 minutes turned into Chinese water torture. *3/4

Coach & Al Snow v. JR & King
Speaking of cruel and unusual punishment, that massive flushing sound you hear is every viewer in America going for a piss as the match starts. This is without commentary. I’m tempted to follow suit and leave this match blank, but I fear that would go too far over the heads of the WWE braintrust. Lawler rolls up Snow for a pair of two-counts to start. Shoulderblock gets two, but Snow legsweeps him for two. Lawler gets a fist off the middle and a fistdrop for two. Snow cheapshots him to come back and stomps away, and an elbow gets two. Rolling cradle gets two. Snow goes to the eyes and clotheslines him for two. Snow goes to an armbar, which is basically the crowd’s breaking point as far as putting up with the match, and backdrops Lawler. Coach wants another one. Wow, another backdrop, that would KILL him. Lawler reverses to a piledriver, however. That gets two. Coach tags himself in and pounds on Lawler, but tries a broncobuster and misses. “Hot” tag to JR after Lawler pounds Coach down sufficiently with a slam and fistdrop that gets two. The ref totally misses the tag, by the way. Ross goes low on Snow and punches him out of the ring, and uses the CLUBBING FOREARM on Coach, who screams like he was Chyna and JR was X-Pac. One cute moment sees Coach yelling “Not in the face!” in an homage to the Tick, but Jericho runs in, dropkicks JR, and Coach gets the pin at 8:17. Yes, they gave this nearly 10 minutes and gave the chicks only 6. -** So tonight, it’s Coach & Snow on commentary until Deus Ex Austin overturns it again.

RAW World title: HHH v. Goldberg
Lockup battle to start goes nowhere, and HHH slugs away, but gets press-slammed. He bails and stalls, and comes back in to trade arm-wringers. They slug it out, but HHH goes to the eyes, only to get backdropped. HHH necksnaps him and tosses him, but Goldberg pops back in and clotheslines him. Butterfly suplex sets up the spear, but HHH USES THE KNEE to block it. Hey, Goldberg selling, that’ll get the crowd going. HHH works on the leg and posts the knee, as we hit the dead zone of the match. Back to the knee, and he gets a figure-four. That goes on for a while. Goldberg reverses, but HHH drops an elbow and a knee. Goldberg blocks another one and fights him off with more clotheslines, and a snap powerslam that gets two. Goldberg tosses him while selling an elbow injury and ignoring the knee injury. Not sure what that’s about. They brawl outside and HHH hits the stairs, drawing blood. Well that’s pretty gratuitous. Goldberg hiptosses him back in, but the ref is bumped and HHH goes low. DDT, which misses by a foot, puts Goldberg down. That was a REALLY bad camera angle. HHH goes for a Pedigree, but gets backdropped out. He finds his Trusty Sledgehammer and hits Goldberg in the shoulder, but Goldberg spears him and finishes with the jackhammer at 14:56 to win the title and give us at least a few weeks of HHH-free TV. I hope. The match totally exposed Goldberg, as you’d expect, and wasn’t particularly interesting. *1/2

The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, HHH finally does the job, to a part-time guy who’s leaving in a couple of months. Both of them can take a long walk off a short peer as far as I’m concerned, so it’s a push as far as me caring who won anyway.

As for the wrestling, nothing over *** and a bunch of guys accustomed to doing 2-minute matches in between skits asked to fill 20 in just about every match is a bad combination. A bad, dull show that did nothing for anyone.

Thumbs down.