The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2023 – 11.25.23

The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2023 – 11.25.23

God you guys are so weird about this stuff. As always, a reminder that I don’t watch the TV and barely follow the storylines at this point, so you’re getting what you’re getting.

I think the most astonishing revelation of the night was someone finally keeping one of these shows under three hours.

Live from Chicago, IL, host of famous minor league baseball player Michael Jordan.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves and two bags of chips. But will this show be all that AND a bag of chips?

Women’s WarGames: Bianca Belair, Shotzi, Charlotte Flair & Becky Lynch v. Asuka, Bayley, Kairi Sane & Iyo Sky

We start with Bayley and Becky, sponsored by RUFFLES. They actually have a different logo in Canada, but then we’re only interested in All Dressed flavor anyway. They slug it out and Becky gets the exploder out of the corner, but Bayley runs her into the cage to take over. Bayley with a suplex onto the ring connector, but Becky gets the armbar against the cage, and although it doesn’t mean anything to match, Dakota Kai still breaks it up with a kendo stick shot from the floor anyway. Shotzi is next in and brings chairs and a trash can with her. Shotzi with a dangerous looking Air Sabu off the chair, but Bayley catches her with a DDT to block a tope. Poor Bayley gets trapped between the rings while Becky and Shotzi attack her with weapons, so Bayley tries to run away and flee the cage. They haul her back in and double-team her, and Iyo thankfully is in next to save. Iyo tosses them around with a chain and hits them with double knees in the corners, and Bayley & Iyo hit Becky with a double superplex. Bianca is next in to save her teammates from the vicious 2-on-2 beatdown and surprisingly doesn’t bring any weapons into the ring with her! She runs Iyo into the trash can and slugs away in the corner and then hits them with a double suplex before the supposed babyfaces hit Bayley and Iyo with stereo top rope moves. Kairi is next and all she brings is a can lid, even though the crowd was CLEARLY asking for tables! Very rude. Shotzi gets buried in chairs and Kairi drops an elbow on them, and Damage Control do some damage until Charlotte saves and gives her team the advantage. She runs wild and powerbombs Sky into the cage, but Bayley and Kairi cut her off and the crowd REALLY REALLY wants tables for some reason. Becky and Charlotte tease some dissention and everyone gets piled up in the ring, while Iyo goes fishing for a garbage can with the help of Dakota. And then she jumps off the top of the cage with a trash can on her head in a very wacky spot. Asuka is last in and she finally brings the tables (whew, I was getting worried there!) and everyone is also armed with kendo sticks.

So Becky and Bianca get chained together and beaten up, and Shotzi gets misted by Asuka before a missile dropkick on Becky gets two. We get another pileup in the corner and Charlotte goes up the cage this time and moonsaults everyone, which gets two on Bayley. The table hasn’t been broken yet, however, so the match can’t end. Becky and Charlotte share an awkward hug, which gives you the feeling that Charlotte isn’t really a hugger, and we get stereo submission holds on Damage Control. But the table still isn’t broken so it doesn’t matter. Asuka saves and she gets double-teamed by Shotzi and Bianca as a result, and that gets two for Shotzi. Over to the other ring and everyone hits the big moves while BLATANTLY ignoring the table sitting right there in the ring. Shotzi with the senton on Bayley and Bianca with the KOD to follow, and now finally someone pays attention to the table and Bayley goes through via a Becky uranage to finish at 33:33. This was good for what it was, but the post-NXT version of WarGames isn’t WarGames. It’s an overly long cage match with weapons where everyone works hard and we get some dramatic cage dives leading to someone going through a table. And that’s fine. ****. It’s very, very formulaic but the formula works for them.

Meanwhile, the Alpha Academy enjoys some delicious Ruffles, but Pretty Deadly interrupts and spills the snacks, leading to the return of R-Truth to bring everyone together over their love of Ruffles.

Meanwhile, Sami Zayn and Jey Uso are getting worried about Randy Orton’s continued absence.

Intercontinental title: Gunther v. The Miz

I don’t like Miz’s chances here. Apparently Miz is going for the record number of IC titles held by some guy named “Chris Jericho”. Miz goes for the leg and gets chopped down right away, so Miz fights back in the corner and that feels like a tactical error. So Miz goes for the leg again with a ringpost figure-four, but Gunther wallops him down again and adds a slam. German suplex follows and he puts Miz down with a big boot, but Miz comes back with a hurricane DDT for two. Skull Crushing Finale, but Gunther escapes and powerbombs him for two. Gunther puts the boots to him and tries for the sleeper, but Miz pulls off the turnbuckle to escape and then goes low pretty blatantly to set up the Skull Crushing Finale for two. The crowd actually buys that one, and Miz runs him in the exposed turnbuckle for two. But then he gets all excited and slugs it out with Gunther, and gets bombed with a lariat as a result. Gunther goes up and adds a top rope splash, weakening the back, and then he finishes with the Walls of Jericho at 12:11 to retain. Watching Miz getting beaten up and submitting will never not be entertaining. ***1/2

Santos Escobar v. Dragon Lee

And we’re back after some internet troubles due to one of the 17 wifi extenders in my home suddenly failing. You probably didn’t notice, but that’s OK, I forgive you. Glad to see Escobar back where he belongs as a heel. Santos beats him down right away and puts the boots to him in the corner, and a backbreaker gets two. Lee fights back and takes him to the apron for a rana out to the floor, and he follows with a dive, and back in for a running knee that gets two. Lee goes up and Santos cuts him off with a top rope rana, which gets two. We get some quality mask ripping from Escobar and they head to the top again, but Lee brings him down with a double stomp for two. But then he charges and walks into a MAN SIZED superkick from Escobar for the double down. They trade knee strikes and Lee hurks him into a powerbomb for two, but Escobar counters with a destroyer and Fantom Driver to finish at 8:27. This was a very fun match! ***1/4. Dragon Lee is great, although I was curious to see what Carlito would have done in this spot.

Meanwhile, the New Day pulls up in their Slim Jims car and enjoys some beef sticks.

Women’s World title: Rhea Ripley v. Zoey Stark

Rhea beats on her right away and takes her to the apron, but Zoey faceplants her on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and back in with a senton that gets two. So that just annoys Rhea further and she beats on Zoey with headbutts and then deadlifts her into a suplex for two. They fight to the top and Rhea tries a chokeslam off the top, but Zoey kind of rotates out of it and lands on her feet for the most part, and gets a superkick for two. Rhea hits a head kick, however, and a northern lights suplex gets two. Zoey gets fired up again and hits a german suplex and knee strike for two off that. Another slugfest and Rhea finishes with the Riptide at 9:03. I still don’t really “get” what Zoey is supposed to be, but this was fine, just a showcase to put Rhea over. **1/2.

Meanwhile, the babyfaces continue to worry about the whereabouts of Randy Orton.

Men’s WarGames: Drew McIntyre, Finn Balor, JD McDonough, Dominick Mysterio & Damien Priest v. Cody Rhodes, Jey Uso, Sami Zayn, Seth Rollins & Randy Orton

And indeed, Randy Orton is absent to start. Balor and Rollins slug it out to start while the crowd chants for the Young Bucks, but Finn escapes a buckle bomb and puts him down with a clothesline. Finn slams him on the divider, but Seth dodges a double stomp and puts Finn down with a sling blade and follows with a running knee. Next in is JD, who brings a kendo stick with him. The Judgment Day double-teams Seth and chokes him out and we get some quality trash talk from Finn. You’ve gotta give it to Ireland, they know how to talk some shit. Jey Uso is next in to save with a chair and some YEETS. But he walks into a C4 from JD and it’s Yeetus Interruptus. The babyfaces rally, but Priest is the next guy in and the heels take over again thanks to a baton. Priest lays everyone out with slams and the Irish duo beat on Jey with a chair, until Sami Zayn is out to make the save. He slams the door on Finn on the way in and brings the table for the big babyface spot. I hear that table got fired by AEW with cause. Kind of a hypocrite if you ask me. Blue Thunder Bomb on Finn and Sami goes up, fighting off JD in the process, and then finds a pipe in the cage structure and nails him on the way down for good measure. The babyfaces get more shots on the heels, but Sami accidentally loses the kendo stick through the cage. Whoops. Drew McIntyre is in next and he’s a bigger grump than you-know-who. So he smashes some dudes and goes after Jey, cutting off Jey’s comeback with a neckbreaker and then running him into the cage. Jey and Sami manage to hit Drew with 3D, but the Judgment Day regroups again before Cody Rhodes comes out to save. Did you know Cody apparently invented another big event right here in this city? You learn something new every day. He cleans house and I just want to stop and say that’s nice that they’re changing up the formula by not having everyone stop and bring weapons into the ring with them. They’re just appearing as if by magic instead. Case in point, Cody finds a bullrope hidden in the ring and they go to work with that. I prefer more specific violence rather than the scattershot “throw a bunch of weapons in the ring” approach of the women’s match. But then Dom is the last guy in and OH SHIT THE BABYFACES ARE FUCKED NOW. He’s used to life in the cage! The ring is like 6 times bigger than the 4×3 cell that was his life for so long. But then he gets a bit too excited and tries the suplex on Cody, which results in a 4-on-1 beatdown from Cody’s team. Judgment Day regroups and we get CHOKESLAM CITY from Drew and Priest and then everyone hits their finishers, including the Razor’s Edge on Rollins through the table.

We get no Randy Orton, but Rhea Ripley brings out the briefcase and wants a cash-in, only to be foiled by Randy Orton’s music as he finally shows up. He powerslams everyone, leading to a showdown with Drew, but the heels beat him down in the corner, so the babyfaces rally and we get a 5 way draping DDT in the middle. RKO for Dom after some fence-mending with Jey, and the babyfaces all hit the finishers, leaving JD to run up the cage and attempt to escape. So Sami and Seth chase him up there, throw him into Orton’s RKO on the mat, and Crossroads finishes Priest at 34:15. I liked that this was a little less goofy than the women’s match and I was more entertained by it overall. ****1/4

Also Randy Orton is clearly the new smartest man in wrestling, entering last to a hero’s welcome, laying everyone out and taking no bumps in a WARGAMES MATCH. This is a man playing 4D chess while everyone else plays Uno.

Oh and then CM Punk comes out at the end. Can we talk about the haircut? It’s a pretty nice haircut. I hope it can bring him some happiness this time around.

Pretty easy thumbs up show. This WWE style of WarGames continues to not be my thing, but everyone worked hard and the matches were fun.

Anyone feel like Ruffles for some reason?