The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2025 (Night 1) – 08.02.25

The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2025 (Night 1) – 08.02.25

I don’t really see the need for a two night Summerslam extravaganza given the less than stellar undercard, aside from the obvious “TKO loves money”, but hey, I’m on vacation and the show is done at a reasonable time at least.

UPDATE: I had been having troubles with WWE PPVs on Netflix before when watching on my laptop, but as an experiment I switched from Chrome to Safari and HOLY COW it cleared it right up and it’s now smooth as butter. Also got through it in two hours without the commercials and video packages.

Live from East Rutherford, NJ

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Wade Barrett

Jey Uso & Roman Reigns v. Bron Breakker & Bronson Reed

Reed has stolen the shoes of Roman Reigns, which is certainly no sillier than any other motivating factor in wrestling. So despite all the Yeeting during the entrance, the heels stall for time and Jey decides to Yeet again, and then dives onto the pile after they have the temerity to interrupt his yeets. Reed beats on Jey in the ring while Bron takes out Roman with a spear on the floor, and Reed hits Jey with a senton to take over. Jey fights back on Bron but gets caught in a World’s Strongest Slam for two. Reed works him over with knees and Bron gets a backbreaker to set up an assisted splash from Reed. Bron even gifts us with a song about how Roman sucks and should have stayed away! He’s very multitalented. Bron with a lungblower for two, but Jey bails and Bron misses a dive and hits an announce table. Back in, Jey goes for the tag, but Reed takes out Roman to break it up and the heels go to work again. Jey with a DDT to escape Reed’s death valley driver, and it’s hot tag to Mr. Over the Counter! Reigns with clotheslines in the corner and he puts Bron on the floor for a tope con hilo that almost overshoots them completely. Back in the ring, Roman tries the superman punch and gets rolled up by Bron for two. Roman comes back with another superman punch on Bron, but Reed makes the blind tag and plows into Roman to put him down. Back to Jey, who hits Reed with kicks in the corner, but walks into a clothesline and death valley driver that gets two. The babyfaces regroup on the floor, but Reed hits them with a tope suicida and he nearly misses as well. Bron takes out Roman and they pull out the Steiner bulldog in the ring on Jey, for two. Back to the floor and Roman manages to take out Bron via a spear, but Reed wants to finish Jey. Roman saves with another superman punch and they hit Reed with a 3D for two. CAN WE STOP WITH ALL THE REPLAYS OF EVERYTHING, PLEASE? I know they’re trying for a sports-based presentation but we don’t need a recap of every single move. Bron gets a big pop for pulling his straps up so he can pull them down again for the spear, but Roman takes the bullet and that allows Jey to make the comeback. Uso splash finishes Reed at 21:08. This wasn’t, like, great or anything but it was fine for an opener despite running kind of long and never really getting out of second gear. I was kind of waiting for all the usual craziness of a Roman Reigns match and they just kind of had a normal match with a normal finish. ***

WWE Women’s tag team title: Raquel Rodriguez & Roxanne Perez v. Alexa Bliss & Charlotte Flair

Charlotte and Alexa have trouble figuring out who’s going to start, which allows the champs to attack them in the corner and go to work on Alexa. Charlotte quickly comes in and cleans house on the heels with big boots, but Raquel puts her down with a clothesline behind the ref’s back and the heels go to work. Perez with a handspring kneedrop for two and Raquel drops elbows and goes to a top wristlock. Back to Bliss and she runs wild and dropkicks Roxanne into a senton for two. Alexa takes out Raquel and Roxanne rolls her up for two, but misses a springboard moonsault. But then Twisted Bliss misses and Raquel gets two. Big boot from Raquel gets two. This gives me an opportunity to discuss the Papa John’s ad on the side of the ring, which is a pizza that I enjoy but the problem is that they continually leave advertisements in my mailbox, but my neighborhood is not actually in their delivery area. So I’m mostly just confused more than anything. Like they want me to KNOW that their pizza is delicious and they have it available, but they don’t specifically want me to be able to order it from them. Perez and Bliss have a double down meanwhile and Charlotte gets the hot tag and chops everyone, then hits a nicely unique handspring into a clothesline on Raquel and moonsaults both heels for two. Roxanne breaks up the figure-four with a moonsault, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, but Bliss accidentlly takes out Charlotte. Roxanne with Pop Rocks on Charlotte for two, but Alexa makes the save and comes back for Sister Abigail on Roxanne, while Charlotte takes out Raquel, and Alexa gets the pin and the titles at 13:45. Not much to the match but the crowd was hugely into the Charlotte-Alexa stuff so it had big heat despite the slow pace. **1/2

Sami Zayn v. Karrion Kross

They fight to the floor right away and Sami moonsaults him off the railing. Back in, Kross hits him with a death valley driver for two. Kross beats on him in the corner and hits an exploder for two. Sami tries to fight back and Kross cuts him off with a back suplex for two. Kross beats on him on the ropes, but Sami comes back again until Kross puts him down with a Saito suplex. Kross gets his pipe from Scarlett, but Sami hits him with a Blue Thunder bomb for two. Sami channels his evil side and beats Kross down before contemplating using the pipe himself, but he ponders too long and Kross rolls him up for two. Sami comes back with an exploder and finishes with the heluva kick at 8:22. This was OK. **1/4

WWE Women’s title: Tiffany Stratton v. Jade Cargill

Jade immediately hits Tiffy with a pump kick for two, sending her to the floor for a fight out there. Jade gets the best of that, but stops to pose and that allows Tiffany to hit a dive and back in for a swanton that gets two. Tiff tries a handspring and gets caught and slammed by Jade, and a powerbomb gets two. Tiffany with a Michinoku driver for two and they slug it out, as Tiffany comes back with the handspring elbow. Alabama slam and she goes up, but lands on Jade’s boot and Jaded gets two, as Tiff is in the ropes. Cargill with a chokeslam and they head to the middle rope, but Tiffany counters Jaded and finishes with the moonsault at 7:05. Sloppy as hell, but they were enthusiastic enough to keep it entertaining. **1/2

Logan Paul & Drew McIntyre v. Jelly Roll & Randy Orton

At the very least I am fully aware of who Jelly Roll is and hate his music because he’s talentless and bland, which means I actually have an opinion on him, and that’s a big step up over the other celebrities they’ve been using lately who I couldn’t pick out of a police lineup. Good to see that Drew made it back into the country. Logan starts with Jelly Roll, and Jelly gets a slam and drops an elbow for two. So Drew comes in and Orton gets Jelly all pumped up and motivated, only for Drew to drop him with a headbutt. Drew gleefully chops Jelly in the corner and stomps the arm (“I hear voices and they say you’re screwed!”) and it’s over to Logan with a suplex on Jelly. Logan with a legdrop for two and Drew pounds on Jelly with the clubbing forearms, but Jelly tosses him and makes the hot tag to Orton. Orton with the draping DDT on Drew, but Logan saves his partner and we get a brawl on the floor. So Orton drops them both on the table, but Drew hits Randy with a claymore kick and everyone is out. The heels are up first and they bully poor Jelly Roll, setting him up for a flying splash from Logan Paul through the announce table. Jelly Roll is destroyed even more than he destroyed “Country Roads” with that shitty remake! He is not OK! He’s barely getting by! Officials help him out of the ring so he can go do another shitty guest appearance while the heels double-team Orton with a blockbuster for two. But Jelly won’t roll over and die, and he fights his way back in and hits Paul with a chokeslam and Drew with a Black Hole slam. Paul goes up and Jelly slams him and it’s ridiculously obvious that Jelly is completely blown up, which makes it all the more impressive that Paul is able to literally work for both guys and take all the bumps. And the RKO hits Drew, but Paul tosses Orton, allowing Logan to squash the Jelly Roll with a frog splash to finish at 17:24. They used all the smoke and mirrors they had and it was about what I was expecting, and Jelly Roll did not embarrass himself, unlike his musical career. ***

Meanwhile, HHH, a man who took so many steroids that he ripped the quad clean off his bone and then suffered from congestive heart failure later in life, tells us all that kids need to be healthier or something. Hopefully sucking the orange mushroom tastes good for him.

World Heavyweight title: Gunther v. CM Punk

They fight for the takedown to start and Punk works the arm, so they do the test of strength and Punk escapes that and goes back to the arm again. Gunther just unloads on him with a chop, so Punk throws kicks and goes back to the arm again. So Gunther hangs him in the Tree of Woe and puts the boots to him, and then blasts him with a chop and goes to a chinlock. Gunther beats on him with knees and they trade cradles for two, but Gunther puts him down with a boot to the face and Punk is out again. They trade chops and Gunther hits another big boot and chops him all the way to the apron, where Gunther pulls him back in and then boots him in the face again. Punk tries to fight back with chops and Gunther LAUGHS at him and blasts him down again. Gunther with a chinlock and Punk tries to power out of it, but Gunther fights him off and chops him down again and then puts him in a Sharpshooter. Punk uses his technical prowess to reverse the hold to his own, but Gunther makes the ropes from nearly halfway across the ring because he’s gigantic. Gunther slams him down again and goes back to the chops, but old man Punk makes a comeback again with the heel kick and neckbreaker…and he tries the knee in the corner and gets powerbombed for two. Punk grabs the arm and tries a triangle, but Gunther counters him into a Boston crab and Punk powers out of that and makes another comeback. Bulldog out of the corner gets two. Punk goes up and Gunther chops him down and slams him to set up a frog splash for two. Gunther puts him down with a lariat, waits for Punk to get up, and then hits him with another one to be a dick. Punk tries a GTS and Gunther reverses him into a powerbomb and then dropkicks him into the corner to set up another powerbomb for two. Punk weakly fights up again, so Gunther beats on him with more chops and then just hangs him on the top rope and steps on his face like a deranged Ronnie Garvin. To the floor and he dumps Punk into the post like a sack of garbage, but Gunther stops to celebrate on the table and Punk trips him up and busts him open. That’s not gonna go well for Punk. Gunther calls for time and Punk slugs away in the corner and goes up with the flying elbow to set up the GTS, but Gunther slips out and sinks in the choke. Punk powers up and finally hits the GTS on Gunther’s bloody nose, but he won’t go down, so Punk hits a second one and wins the title at 30:10. CM Punk becoming the grizzled old gunslinger fighting from underneath to slay the monster one last time was a seamless career transition for him and he finally gets his belt. ****1/2

But then…

Seth Rollins joins us on crutches, and then it’s a MIRACLE and he runs down on his perfectly good knee to cash in the briefcase after beating the hell out of him with it.

CM Punk v. Seth Rollins

Curb stomp and Seth gets the title, as CM Punk continues to have the WORST luck at Summerslam. And Seth is the hot heel in the promotion and should be the champion and #1 guy, so that’s a great move. Punk gets his big win and title victory to pay off his chase, and then they put it on the real #1 guy and get the heat. Everybody wins.

Overall, the show was mostly forgettable on the undercard, with everything good and nothing bad, and the main event was excellent and had a great angle to end it, so it’s an easy to watch thumbs up show tonight.