The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2024 – 08.03.24

The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2024 – 08.03.24

Live from Cleveland, OH

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves & Pat McAfee

HHH joins us to start and we already get a Jelly Roll song that I can skip through, so that’s nice of him.

World Heavyweight Women’s title: Liv Morgan v. Rhea Ripley

I know people score off Def Rebel’s shitty entrance themes on Twitter all the time but HOLY GOD is Rhea’s new theme terrible. Also PLEASE STOP WITH THE 8K RING INTRO CAM. The technology is not there yet. Liv runs away to start to drive Rhea nuts, but then gets outsmarted and beat down as a result. Rhea with a suplex to put Liv on the floor for a further beatdown while Dom continues to get nuclear heat just by existing. Back in the ring, Rhea goes for the finish early and slams Liv on the top turnbuckle instead, but Liv escapes the Riptide and runs her into the post to take over. Apparently the shoulder is OUT, but Rhea fights on with help from the love of Dom, and Liv goes to work on it. Rollup gets two and a codebreaker follows, but Rhea hits her with a clothesline and goes for more advice from Dr. Dom. Liv accidentally dives onto Dom, however, and Rhea pulls a Martin Riggs and pops her shoulder back into the socket. Original Riggs, not the weird TV version where they killed him off after a couple of seasons for some reason. Back in the ring, Rhea makes a comeback and dropkicks Liv for two, but Liv reverses the Riptide into a DDT for two. Rhea with the scorpion hold, but Liv escapes from that and hits a crucifix bomb for two. Liv goes to an armbar, but Rhea slams out of it for two. Liv goes after the arm again and retrieves a chair, but Rhea hits her with the Riptide…only for Dom to stop her from using the chair. This allows Liv to hit the Oblivion for two. Dom takes the ref and tosses another chair into the ring, and Liv hits another Oblivion to retain at 15:57, and apparently Dirty Dom has made his choice and somehow has even more heat now. Man if only he could back it up in the ring. A really good opener, but it was pretty slow and never got to “great”. ***1/4. But the finish was the right one and shows HHH finally learned his lesson after 2000.

Meanwhile, CHAOS ERUPTS in the Judgment Day dressing room and Damian wants Dom dealt with.

Intercontinental title: Sami Zayn v. Bron Breakker

Brought to you by PRIME. I actually kinda really like Prime, both the Gatorade ripoff and the energy drink. The coconut water base is really pleasant and a nice change from the other drinks. Sami hits a dive right away, but Bron dodges the Helluva kick and wallops him with a clothesline. Bron takes Sami to the top and pops up with the rana for two. Bron should bring back the Frankensteiner in its original form off the irish whip, because he would probably make it look awesome. Bron slugs away on the ropes and talks some trash, but Sami makes a comeback and counters a bulldog into the Blue Thunder bomb for two. That whole sequence was a little off. Bron puts him down with a knee strike, but Sami gets the exploder, and then Bron hits him with a spear out of the corner. Another spear gets the pin at 5:42. Dunno why they didn’t just do this finish at the last show. Match was OK but a big step down from the last one. **

US title: Logan Paul v. LA Knight

There is SO MUCH FILLER between the matches tonight. Logan, who I really hope is made to do a job in 10 seconds tonight given his shitty conduct as of late, is joined by MGK, who is a pop star that I actually know from outside the wrestling bubble because “My Bloody Valentine” was a pretty good song. See, I understand some references! They brawl on the floor to start and clear the announce table while LA rams him into the table at a camera angle that shows Paul not even making contact. Knight with a neckbreaker drop to put Logan through the table, but the table doesn’t break, and they head into the ring to start the match for real. Knight with an atomic drop for two. Logan sends him into the post while the crowd gives him a well deserved “Fuck you Logan” chant. People have been fired for saying less ignorant garbage than Logan did this week about the Algerian boxer and they’re just pretending nothing happened and ignoring it. Logan with a legdrop for two and a gutwrench for two. Knight comes back with a powerslam and Side Effect, and then goes up with a flying elbow for two. Paul puts him on the floor again with a springboard clothesline and a moonsault to the floor. Back in the ring, Logan with a backslide for two and the knockout punch gets two. That was clearly a three count but the ref stopped counting. Logan goes up and Knight brings him down with a top rope brainbuster, which gets two. Back to the floor and LA goes after Logan’s crew of geeks, but that allows MGK to give Logan his brass knuckles. Back in, Logan with the knuckles, but LA hits the BFT and wins the US title at 12:00. I’d say they need to get Logan Paul off TV for a long while now, but he’s barely ever around anyway. This was way below the usual standard for Logan Paul’s matches and they both seemed really rattled for some reason. ***

WWE Women’s title: Bayley v. Nia Jax

Nia gets the samoan drop and drops an elbow, then goes to a sleeper. Bayley comes back with a flying forearm and they fight to the floor. Back in, Bayley goes up and Nia cuts her off and slams her to block a guillotine attempt. Nia with a legdrop for two. She goes up and misses the middle rope legdrop, and Bayley comes back with the belly to belly for two. Nia blocks the Rose Plant with the uranage and goes up for the Banzai drop, which gets two. Nia does the SHOCKED TWO COUNT FACE but the crowd doesn’t really seem to care that much. Nia with headbutts and she’s BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL by calling herself reckless and clumsy, and then she takes a clumsy bump into the post off a blind charge. It’s funny because it’s true. Bayley with a dive and Nia slams her on the floor to counter and they slowly head back into the ring. Nia with a hip attack in the corner, but Bayley counters another Banzai drop with a powerbomb to make the comeback. Flying elbow gets two. But then Tiffany Stratton runs out to cash in, but Bayley takes her out. Nia with the powerbomb on Bayley off the distraction to set up a third Banzai drop to finish and win the title at 12:34. Lucky us. Bad and heatless. *1/2

CM Punk v. Drew McIntyre

Realistically this is the true main event on the night. Seth Rollins is the special ref and they slug it out to start before Punk puts the boots to him in the corner. Drew fires back, but Punk clotheslines him over the top and they fight into the crowd. Punk slams Drew’s head into the stairs repeatedly while Rollins is preoccupied with tying his shoes, but Drew runs him into the table a few times to take over. Catapult under the ring apron as Seth decides to let it play out and see where it goes. Back in the ring, Drew with a snap suplex and Punk rolls away from the pin. So Seth points out that Drew was talking his shit about Punk and couldn’t even get a one count! Man’s got a point. So Drew takes it as a challenge and gets an overhead suplex, but Rollins ignores the count. Drew with a powerbomb for one this time, and then another one gets two. Seth: “Don’t get hot at me, do better!” Drew gets a chair and asks Seth to turn his back, but then Seth has a moment of conscience and takes it away, almost setting up the Summerslam 97 finish. Punk with a rollup for one but Drew puts him down again and pulls out Punk’s friendship bracelet, but Punk counters the Claymore and makes the comeback with a neckbreaker. Punk with the knees in the corner and he drops the flying elbow for two. Punk with the Anaconda Vice and he steals his bracelet back, but walks into a Claymore as a result. That gets two. Drew tries the Future Shock and Punk escapes to set up the GTS, but now Seth is wearing the bracelet and Punk gets all crazy. So Drew attacks and Punk hits the GTS, but Rollins is out of the ring and it only gets two. So Punk throws a tantrum over that and insults the SABU PANTS, and Rollins has had enough and tells Punk to just beat Drew. So Punk turns on Seth with a GTS, but Drew hits the Claymore and gets the pin at 17:00. This was very very very very very storyline heavy with not much going on in the actual match, but for what it was, it was really well done and clearly the best match of the night so far with by far the most heat thanks to the wacky self-referential stuff. ****. And thank god Drew finally gets some vindication for once.

World heavyweight title: Damian Priest v. Gunther

Priest goes for the chokeslam early, but Gunther takes him to the floor and slams him onto the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Gunther blasts him with a chop on the way back into the ring and goes to work on him with a suplex for two. They trade shots and Gunther puts him down with a big boot and goes up, only for Priest to cut him off. So Gunther pounds the ribs, but Priest takes him down with a rana and falcon arrow for two. Priest beats on him with kicks and actually wins that battle, so Gunther hits him back EVEN HARDER and they just let it all hang out. Gunther puts him down with a dropkick and powerbomb for two. Gunther sees his own blood and the crowd is really distracted by something out of the ring while Priest gets the chokeslam for two. They trade more hard shots and Gunther suplexes him and hits a pair of clotheslines for two. Gunther beats on him with chops and Priest demands more punishment, so Gunther obliges while Finn Balor joins us at ringside as they hit each other some more. Gunther keeps putting the boots to him while the crowd gets distracted again, but Gunther takes out Balor and Priest makes the comeback. Priest with a pair of clotheslines and the Razor’s Edge to set up the chokeslam, but Balor breaks up the pin at two. So they show the replay on the screen and Priest actualy sees it for once, but Gunther wraps him up in a sleeper and Priest reverses it into a cradle for two. But then Priest goes after Finn again, and Gunther powerbombs him and puts him out with the sleeper at 16:35 to win the title. About damn time they pulled the trigger on Gunther. They were hitting each other really goddamn hard but there’s been too much interference tonight, with every match but one having an interference finish thus far, and the finish fell kinda flat for me as a result. This was another banger, though. ****

The Awesome Truth joins us to do the attendance announcement, but Theory & Waller hit the ring to show their comedy stylings. But then they insult Jelly Roll and he comes in and beats them up.

WWE World title: Cody Rhodes v. Solo Sikoa

Cody bumps into Arn Anderson on the way to the ring, and Arn assures him that Cody has some friends who will be stopping by to help out if it’s needed. Gotta say again, this Solo main event run is not doing it for me and I’m not buying him in that role. It feels like a stopgap match for Cody while we wait for the real main eventers to get back. Cody tries the power game and doesn’t get anywhere with that, and Solo chases him to the floor to regroup. Back in, they slug it out and Solo wins that, but Cody hits him with a disaster kick to put him on the floor for a dive. Back in, Solo evades the powerslam and boots Cody down for two. Samoan drop gets two. Solo goes for the spike and Cody counters with the Cody cutter as they fight to the floor again. Back in, Cody slugs away with the Flip Flop and Fly, but Solo counters another cutter into a powerbomb for two. So the problem here, which is the same as Roman’s matches but more pronounced here, is that we all know that the match isn’t going to end until all the Bloodline guys run in and then all of Cody’s guys run in, so none of the near-falls mean anything until then. That’s why the Heyman booked matches with Brock were so good, because he just dispensed with the pretext of an actual match and just skipped right to the chorus. Solo with a hip attack in the corner and uranage gets two. Solo with the nerve pinch and a samoan drop gets two. Solo puts him in the Tree of Woe and follows with a headbutt. Cody fights back and Solo cuts him off again with a spinning slam for two. Solo goes up and Cody brings him down with a suplex as this is dragging badly after 15:00 of Cody selling. Cody finally comes back with a Crossroads and here comes the Bloodline as the GOD come in and destroy Cody. That gets two for Solo. So Kevin Owens is the first one to make the save, and then Randy Orton helps out and the turns have tabled. Crossroads on Solo gets two. Next up, Cody brings the stairs in and beats on Solo with that, but Sikoa spears him for two. But then he charges and hits the stairs with his ass, which allows Cody to hit the Crossroads again, before Jacob Fatu hits the ring as the next guy. So he lays out Cody and puts Solo on top for two. Next up, Fatu clears the announce table and puts Cody through with a flying splash, and back in that gets two for Solo. Cody fights back again with a Cody cutter, but we finally get the payoff with Roman Reigns making his return. So he takes like 5 minutes to make it to the ring, and hits Solo with the superman punch and spear before leaving again. And the Crossroads finishes at 28:44 to retain. FUCK THIS MATCH. **

To expand on my rating, I mostly hated this match and here’s why:

1. The main body of the match felt like they were trying to do a replay of a Cody Rhodes v. Roman Reigns match, but Solo Sikoa is not Roman Reigns, and this Bloodline 2.0 deal is nowhere near as over without the Usos involved as the heavies. The match was dull and plodding for 20 minutes until all the run-ins started.
2. The “run ins leading to near-falls” stuff would have been way more effective if EVERY OTHER MATCH ON THE SHOW already didn’t have interference in the finishes. And where the hell did the GOD and RKO/KO disappear to anyway? Anyway, by this time in the evening it was hardly special to have all the interference, and really the biggest point was…
3. Everyone was just waiting for Roman Reigns to come out and do stuff and there was no stakes to the match before that happened. There was no big near-falls or believable moments where it seemed like Solo might have a reasonable shot at winning the title.

Ultimately it was like when Foreigner was playing here a couple of months back at the arena, where there’s no actual original members left in the band so what you’re basically getting for your $100 ticket is a tribute act.

Overall, I thought most of the show was good enough for a slight thumbs up, but the main event was a big thumbs down for me. And as usual, I was able to cut a four hour show down to 2 and a little bit thanks to zipping through all the commercials and video packages. So that’s a thumbs in the middle overall.