The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 11.23.85

The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 11.23.85

What the hell, eh. People have asked me to take a look at these, and although I’ve already done a lot of them in the 24/7 days, that was almost 20 years ago now. Sheesh. Now I feel old again. But it’s unspeakably cool for the WCW Vault channel to put these on at 6:05 every Saturday and I want to encourage that sort of behavior moving forward. I did not in fact go back and reread my original rant first, but here’s an incredibly nerdy fun fact about that original rant: That was when I upgraded to Word 2007 for the first time after years of using OpenOffice, and marked the first document that was in .docx format instead of .doc as a result. NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY.

I’m actually not sure why the “official” WWE collection of these starts in November of 85 when the show itself goes back to April of 85. I’m sure there’s some kind of dumb legal reasoning.

Taped from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett, and it’s the COUNTDOWN TO STARRCADE!

NWA National champion Terry Taylor v. The Black Cat

Taylor takes the Cat down and works the arm, although the Black Cat is somewhat misnamed in that much of his gear is red and his mask doesn’t really have anything to do with cats. I mean, he does have dark skin, so I suppose that counts. Taylor fights off a headbutt and chops him in the corner, and then hits him with the move later dubbed the Five Arm, before taking him to the top for a superplex to finish at 2:15.

Tony and David discuss the SUPERPOWERS OF WRESTLING, which in this context refers to Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes in preparation for their Starrcade main event. David is like “WHY is Ric Flair doing all these terrible things despite World champion?” Then we take another glorious look at the Andersons turning on Dusty Rhodes and breaking his ankle in the cage match, which is something I would have made into my desktop background at the time if I had a home computer back in the 80s. But of course, Dusty overcame the broken foot and made his comeback with the BIONIC BOOT, as we get clips of Dusty beating Mike Davis at the Omni with a figure-four. Tony appeals to the conscience of Ric Flair because he’s the champion and the best, and doesn’t have to do the awful things that he does. Yeah but he kinda does, though.

Dusty Rhodes joins David over on Worldwide and he knows that the best way to hurt Ric Flair is to take away his World title. Really? Because he had like 25 of them. I’d say the #1 way is to take away his booze. THAT would hurt him, especially when goes into detox.

Don Kernodle v. Don Turner

Kernodle quickly finishes with the flying clothesline at 1:00, dubbed the “American Cannon” because he’s not currently being a traitor to his country.

The Barbarian v. Stoney Burke

Stoney attacks in the corner and that goes badly for him, as Barbarian puts the boots to him and hits him with a big boot and a sort of dropkick. He chokes Burke out with his studded collar deal (don’t kink shame the Barbarian!) and tosses Burke for a slam on the concrete and some abuse from Paul Jones. Back in, he hits Stoney with headbutts on the mat and rolls him to the floor with those but Burke foolishly fights back before missing a dropkick. Meanwhile David reads a letter from BILL WATTS, who wonders if Starrcade will be shown closed circuit in New Orleans? OF COURSE! And really, Bill had to send a letter? He couldn’t just call? Well Bill was certainly old school. Diving headbutt finishes at 4:20.

Ric Flair joins Tony and he’s amazed at how someone who’s such a paltry human being like Tony can even judge his actions. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS SUIT? He’s gonna be the World heavyweight champion forever and ever, WOO!

STARRCADE 85 UPDATE! Tony and David run down the card, although not in a different studio or anything. Starrcade 85 really was an underrated banger of a show, although I still hate the main event.

Superstar Billy Graham v. Tony Zane

Thankfully Graham is done with his Florida Man Karate phase and is back to tie-dye and looking eerily like 1998 Hollywood Hogan again. Graham takes him down with a test of strength and whips him into the corner before dropping some PYTHONS on him in the form of clubbing forearms and then finishing with the bearhug at 2:20.

Superstation Championship Challenge Series: Manny Fernandez v. Buddy Landel

Buddy: “A Mexican? You gotta be ribbing me!” And of course Manny hits him with a backfist and sends him running to the floor. Buddy saying something stupid and paying the price is like a metaphor for his career. Buddy hits him with chops in the corner and Manny quickly fires back with his own and chases him to the floor again. JJ Dillon offers some comfort, and the Bull cranks on a headlock in the ring, and they do an awkward sequence where Buddy hiptosses out and then tries for a stomp and somehow misses, leaving a pretty big red welt on Manny’s throat area in the process. Not sure what the hell that was about. Bull chases him to the floor with another backfist chop and Buddy continues mouthing off, looking like Manny popped him in the nose pretty good on that shot on the way out. Back in the ring, Buddy takes him down with an armbar and continues talking shit, but Bull takes him down with a double leg scissors and then goes to work on the leg until Buddy pulls him off. Bull goes back to the leg and JJ pulls Buddy away to the ropes to save. Manny goes back to the leg with a spinning toehold as we have to take a break. Back with Manny continuing on the leg until JJ rakes the face to break it up and Buddy tosses him to take over. Back in, Buddy puts him down with a forearm for two and Manny has some managed to get busted open. I guess this one is for the sickos. Were there even sickos in 1985? Buddy slugs away and gets two, but Manny chops him down again and makes a comeback, before missing a headbutt. Buddy gets two and goes to a chinlock. Buddy chops out, but Fernandez catches him with a leaping clothesline and makes the comeback. Flying backfist and he goes up, but misses a kneedrop, allowing Buddy to get the figure-four. Manny flips him over to reverse, but Buddy makes the ropes to break and time expires at 14:40 aired. But then Manny hits the Flying Burrito and Buddy retreats and hides behind JJ while talking more trash on the way out. They were working pretty snug here at points and it was a pretty tremendous TV match on the way out of the promotion for Buddy. ***1/4

National champion Terry Taylor joins Tony and he gives his predictions for Starrcade, but unfortunately couldn’t predict his own title loss to Buddy Landel.

Jim Crockett Jr. joins Tony, and next week’s main event is going to be the Road Warriors v. Thunderfoot & Black Bart. I don’t like JJ’s chances there.

Ric Flair joins us again, assuring us little people that Ric Flair is what’s happening and he’s gonna be the man for a long time.

Black Bart v. Rocky King

Of very minor note is Teddy Long, working as a ring attendant before he was even a regular as a referee. Unfortunately both Rocky and Bart passed away recently, and they were both good guys. Rocky works the arm and throws dropkicks to start, but Bart catches him with a stungun to take over. Man, poor Rocky was born 20 years too early. He had a great wrestling name, and a great look, but he was just too small for a push in 1985. Bring him up today and he’s a star. Bart with a lariat and he tosses King for some shots from JJ, and Bart suplexes him back in the ring and chokes him out. Rocky tries a monkey flip and Bart slams him down and finishes with the Texas Compactor legdrop at 4:30.

Cowboy Ron Bass and his favorite bullrope join us in advance of his match with Black Bart at Starrcade, and his cowbell has some use on it because he likes smashing it into the heads of people.

The Road Warriors join us and Hawk informs us that the Minnesota Wrecking Crew would have to wear DIAPERS in their neighborhood. And when they’re through with the Russians, their faces are gonna look like someone set them on fire and put them out with an axe. Duly noted.

Billy Jack Haynes v. Jim Jeffers

Billy Jack beats on Jeffers, who was later part of the Mod Squad. That’s probably why he’s delivering such a beating, since he hates cops so much. I should note that Billy has “NWA” on his boots, making him not only a conspiracy theory spouting nutcase, but also kind of a suckup. Full Nelson finishes at 1:45. But the real question is who is this Nelson guy and what does he have on Billy?

Billy Jack joins us and says hit to his family in Oregon and calls the NWA the absolute best shortly before jumping to the WWF for more money. He doesn’t mean to yell and scream but he’s gonna BREAK OLE’s NECK at Starrcade. Oh this was some cringy stuff.

We take a quick look at the Russians squashing some dudes, focusing on Nikita Koloff being this awesome specimen and just wrecking guys. There’s a clip of young Jimmy Del Rey doing a 360 sell off the Sickle in slow motion that’s just sick as fuck.

Ron Bass, Pez Whaley & The Italian Stallion v. Carl Styles, Kent Glover & Larry Clarke

That’s quite the dog’s breakfast on the babyface side. We quickly get a three-way brawl and the babyfaces go to work on the jobbers as the Stallion gets a press slam on Clarke. Over to Styles and Bass works the arm, and Pez finishes with a flying headbutt at 3:00.

Denny Brown, who is the holder of the ugliest fucking title belt I’ve ever seen as Junior champion, is like “Uh yeah there’s lots of stuff going on in this territory, man. Real exciting.” GET THE HOOK.

Sam Houston v. The Golden Terror

I was hoping it was the Golden Terrier and Houston would be wrestling a dog in a mask like it was a Scooby Doo episode, but no. Houston works the arm of the Golden Shower and Ric Flair joins us on commentary and he doesn’t like the Russians at all but he’s pretty sure Krusher Khruschev has the Mid-Atlantic title wrapped up at Starrcade because Sam is such a beanpole. Houston works the arm of the Golden Arches and hits him with the bulldog, as is the rule for anyone who wears cowboy boots , but Golden Grahams lands in the ropes and it only gets two. So Sam collides with him and bumps to the apron, but Flair goes over, yanks him to the floor, and hits him with a suplex on the concrete to murder him dead. WHERE’S DUSTY RHODES NOW? Man’s got a point. Clearly Dusty doesn’t give a shit about Houston and left him to die via suplex. That was probably his plan to get rid of Houston so he could steal Baby Doll.

Apologies if you read a review of this originally years ago and I inadvertently recycled any jokes.

Anyway Starrcade 85 is pretty boss and you should go watch it now.