The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide Wrestling – 03.09.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide Wrestling – 03.09.91

Originally written 12.14.25

Thankfully I finished writing this before the Rob Reiner news hit because it would have completely ruined my mood. But suffice it to say, RIP to the guy who made two of my favorite movies of all time, Spinal Tap and The Princess Bride, and only brought joy into people’s lives only to be met with such a horrible end. Obviously everyone probably knows how much Princess Bride means to me and especially Spinal Tap, and I am of the age to remember him as Meathead on TV every week as well. This year can just end now, thanks. Anyway, enjoy me making fun of 1991 WCW from earlier in the day, and RIP to a legend.

Continuing my mission to write about different things this week, we’re gonna swap out 1991 WWF for 1991 WCW!

Taped from Columbus, GA on 02.27.91

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Gordon Solie

Meanwhile, Missy Hyatt is in the hot tub and offers to go on a date with El Gigante in order to get an exclusive interview. So they go to dinner in Phoenix, but Gigante refuses to give her the interview because he already promised Paul E. Dangerously. So instead he wants to dance, as Missy pouts about his jukebox music choice.

Sting & El Gigante v. The State Patrol

Gigante finishes Buddy with the CLAWHOLD in 30 seconds, which is about as long as he should be doing.

Ric Flair joins Tony for a word at ringside, and he’s gonna be facing Sting in cage matches coming to a town near you! Didn’t we just see that at Starrcade?

Dangerous Dan Spivey v. Tim Parker

Parker tries slugging away to start, but Dan hits him with a lariat and a side slam before putting the chapped boots to him. Gut wrench and big boot follow. Spivey spikes him with a Bossman slam to finish at 1:45.

Meanwhile, Doom breaks up and it goes badly for Simmons, as Reed and Teddy whip him with a belt. Afterwards, Tony chats with Ron, who promises to give out a beating even worse than he got. So vicious that Butch Reed is never gonna want to see a belt for the rest of his life! Well how’s he gonna hold up his pants? This doesn’t seem well thought out.

The Young Pistols v. Jim Boss & Pat Rose

Together they’re the ROSE BOSS, a TLC reality show about a florist with a sassy attitude and crazy family. Steve Armstrong hits Boss with a sholderblock for two, but Rose saves, so they give him a double shoulder to get rid of him, and then Steve finishes Boss with a flying clothesline at 1:38.

Meanwhile, we hear from the new World Six Man champions, Ricky Morton & Tommy Rich & JYD, and they still don’t have any belts yet. Granted JYD wouldn’t have been able to fit it around his waist at that point anyway. Tommy Rich talks about the Four Horsemen but he was likely drunk and can safely be ignored.

Sid Vicious v. David Isley

Sid hits Isley with a short arm clothesline and then dumps him to the floor and beats on him with a chair while Tony notes that Sid “quote unquote gets his jollies from putting men out of WCW”. They should put that on his action figure card. Powerbomb finishes at 1:21. Hopefully he got his jollies from that one. And the incompetent EMTs put Isley on the gurney, face down, and Sid knocks it over. Well it couldn’t get any worse for him anyway.

Terrence Taylor v. Beautiful Bobby

So this is the official transition from Terry to Terrence and the debut of Mr. Hughes as the bodyguard. Taylor hits Bobby with a knee on the ropes and Bobby puts him down with a clothesline, so Taylor bails to think it over. Back in the ring, Bobby misses a blind charge and Terrence puts the boots to him and hits him with a jawbreaker to take over. They slug it out in the corner while Tony notes that Bobby was originally under consideration for the York Foundation but he was “too crude” for Alexandra York and thus not right for the position. Buddy Landel joins us and tries to interfere for Taylor, but screws it up as usual and Bobby rolls him up for the pin at 4:08. I had completely forgotten about the whole “Buddy Landel repeatedly auditions for the York Foundation but he’s too stupid” storyline that ended up going nowhere. Also Gordon Solie talks about people being too dependent on computers in a chillingly prescient look at our AI-overrun society today, showing that WCW was actually a microcosm of the societal issues that would soon overtake our lives.

Nah, I’m just fucking with ya.

Big Josh and Tommy Rich join Tony, which I believe is the introduction of Josh as we’re apparently supposed to just not know it’s Matt Borne with a flannel shirt.

Brad Armstrong v. Barry Windham

Barry works the arm to start, but Brad hits him with a nice flying forearm and then pops up and takes him down with an armdrag. That was a SMOOTH sequence that shows again why Brad Armstrong rules. That being said, 1991 wasn’t a great year for him, gimmick-wise. Windham catches him with a powerslam and a gut wrench as we get an inset promo from Brian Pillman that sets up one of the all time stupidest storylines in a year filled with all time stupid storylines. Windham finishes with a superplex at 2:52.

Meanwhile, at WrestleWar Nikita Koloff returns and awards Lex Luger with the new US title belt, but then turns on Lex and lays him out and cuts a bitter promo about how he’s been retired for two years and has to prove himself to earn a title shot and that PISSES HIM OFF. The Koloff heel run in 91 could have been good, but Nikita’s heart just wasn’t in it after the death of his wife and whatever charisma and connection with the fans that he had in the 80s was long gone. Three years doesn’t seem like a long time but sometimes the business moves fast and people just get left behind, and this was one of those cases.

Meanwhile, Lex (with the old belt) does a promo about being betrayed by Nikita (which by the way, never actually paid off and shifted to Sting instead for whatever reason), but if Koloff wants a shot, just come and find him. If Koloff still had it that would have actually been a good first feud for Lex as World champion, but nah. It was just so weird that they never even had a PPV or even a Clash match! Because WCW I guess.

Ric Flair v. Tim Horner

They slug it out and Horner gets a small package for two, but Flair backdrops him and Horner takes an awkward bump on his knee. So Flair goes to work on it. Horner gets some shots in the corner, but Flair takes out the knee again and goes to the figure-four, but Horner makes the ropes for some reason. So Flair gives him a knee crusher and goes back to the figure-four and Horner is about to give up, but now Sting pulls Horner out to break the hold and that’s a DQ at 3:50 I guess. What did Flair that was so wrong, exactly? If Horner was hurt he should have just submitted to the hold and ended the match! So Sting and Flair do a quick match and Sting hits him with the Stinger splash, with El Gigante now coming in to make the count as Sting “pins” Flair. And we are out of time for the week as they continue treading water between bookers at this point.

WCW is gonna continue getting stupider this year so buckle up I guess.