The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 11.30.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 11.30.91

Taped from…uh…somewhere. Hell if I know at this point.

One bit of interesting trivia from around this time, as Lex Luger actually quit the company in protest of Harley Race getting fired due to the front office trimming salaries. But then it got resolved and Lex came back, after missing a taping.

Your host is Tony Schiavone, who can now legally say the name “Ricky Steamboat” after WCW’s crack legal team resolved the contract dispute with the WWF.

Arachniman v. Mike Samples

I should point out that the teaser before the commercial advertised “SIX MAN ACTION” coming up next and had footage of Brian Pillman and Tom Zenk, but this is the actual first match on the show. “Arachniman is a combination of mystery and quickness” notes Tony. Well those are the two most important traits in a wrestler! Arachniman bounces around the ring, goes to the top (while saying RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA “I’m calling it right here”) and then hits a flying headbutt and finishes with a rollup at 1:56. I think it’s silly for Marvel to have sued over this character because there’s obvious legal distinctions between Arachniman and Spider-Man. First up, Spider-Man can actually draw money.

Meanwhile, Big Josh hypes up his SUBMIT OR SUSPENDERS match with Tommy Rich later in the show, and he points out that he’s never submitted in any pancake eating contests and he won’t submit tonight. He might wear suspenders, though. And then we get a rebuttal from Tommy Rich, who has completely dropped his Thomas Rich gimmick and is back to the redneck heel again.

Beautiful Bobby, Arn Anderson & Larry Zbyszko v. Tom Zenk, Brian Pillman & Mike Graham

Mike Graham running to the ring slapping hands with the screaming girls who are there throwing their panties at Pillman and Zenk is peak Mike Graham delulu. HE’S SO DREAMY! So the heels are now officially the Dangerous Alliance, although Paul E. is not at ringside for this, sending Madusa instead because he’s already too busy with more important people. Hot young babyface Graham gets some shine on the heels and does a CRISS CROSS with Larry, probably needing new orthopedic wrestling boots after all that running the ropes, and Pillman comes in to clean house while Mike grabs some Benefibre and rages about the young punks and their boogie woogie music. Everyone brawls on the floor, except for Mike, who is busy watching his stories, and the heels regroup while Larry randomly yells at people in the front row. Back in the ring, Arn beats on Zenk with forearms, but Zenk hits everyone with dropkicks until Arn rakes his eyes to take over. Larry with a suplex for two as Tony tries to get The Cruncher over as a nickname for Larry, although that one never caught on. Back to Graham for a FULL BODY LIFT AND SLAM on Bobby and he tries for the figure-four, but Larry drops an elbow on him to break it up. HE’S FALLEN AND HE CAN’T GET UP. Actually now I sound like a boomer for making that joke that you hip young kids reading this review of a 1991 wresting show won’t get. Because you’re young and vital and love the TikToks and whatnot. Larry with a slam and they continue beating on Graham in the corner and even Madusa gets some shots in, as Mike reminds us all how he invented selling. Back in the ring, Bobby backdrops him for two, but it’s hot tag Pillman and Graham has to leave to go change his colostomy bag. Pillman with a flying bodypress on Arn, but the ref is distracted and Bobby hits him with a double axehandle off the top and puts Arn on top for the pin at 7:35. ***1/4. Mike Graham also invented star ratings.

WCW World TV Title: Stunning Steve Austin v. Michael Hayes

Farewell Lady Blossom, hello Paul E. Dangerously! Tony recaps the Freebirds and their numerous tag team titles in order to build up his cred, but fails to mention his US title reign from 1989, which isn’t surprising because everyone forgets it. Hayes surprisingly starts with armdrags without even doing his full seven minutes of stalling. Hopefully he warmed up with plenty of stalling in the dressing room before the match so he doesn’t pull a muscle. Hayes with a headlock and he stops to strut, before working a hammerlock as they start doing the time calls to broadcast the upcoming 10 minute draw. Also they call 5:00 at 3:00 because WCW. Hayes keeps on working that hammerlock, just hammerlocking the shit out of him until he can take no more hammerlocks, booking a ticket to Hammerlock USA for a ride on the Hammerlock Express. But then Austin throws him out of the ring to take over and drops an elbow on him and the TRAIN DERAILS. Backdrop gets two with time running out although it’s actually only been 5:00 but really time is just an artificial construct with no meaning, especially in WCW where you can’t tell what day and city these shows were taped in. Like, what even is time, anyway, you know? Austin works a chinlock for a while as time dilates again, but Hayes makes the comeback with one minute left. In reality 3 minutes but go with it. Hayes gets the DDT and Hayes takes forever to cover, so it only gets two and time expires at 8:20 with a draw. Hell of a way to kick of Austin’s run in the Dangerous Alliance as a top heel.

WRESTLING NEWS NETWORK! WITH GORDON SOLIE!

Gordon would like to remind us that Starrcade 91 will be happening at the end of of December and THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Apparently it’ll feature some sort of bowling battle. Also we have new tag team champions, although Larry and Arn have filed a grievance. Larry, having a grievance? WHAT THE FUCK?

Let’s take a break while we process this shocking bit of information.

OK we’re back.

Now let’s hear from Eric Bischoff, as we go back to the Clash and Sting learns WHAT’S IN THE BOOOOOOOOOX. Is that a boomer reference too or am I good? Anyway we take a look at the stuff from the Clash where Rude won the US title.

SUBMIT OR SUSPENDERS: Thomas Rich v. Big Josh

Alexandra York is still with Rich here although they’ve already abandoned the Six-Man titles and it was basically over for the York Foundation in general. Josh clotheslines Rich to the floor and beats on him with hia axe handle, and then back into the ring where he charges and runs into Tommy’s boot. Rich with a Boston crab, but Josh powers out and hits him with a suplex before going to his own crab. Damn they’re working for submissions like it’s the UFC. Unwatchable Frustrating Crap. They fight to the floor for some Unnecessary Floor Crawling and back into the ring again, where Josh tosses Tommy back out for another Unending Fumbling Competition out there as they stumble around and this goes nowhere. So Richard Morton comes out and grabs the laptop, but hits Rich by mistake and knocks him out, and it’s a countout win for Big Josh at 4:22. That was an Unbearable Finish, Cuz.

And we finish with words from Rick Rude and learn that next week is VAN HAMMER v. CACTUS JACK as we’ve retired the Submit or Suspenders concept for good, apparently. Good timing, I was all out of fucks to give anyway.

See you next week!