The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 11.16.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 11.16.91

Well I was all excited about the Sting v. Cactus Jack match that was advertised last week, but then it turns out that episode is LOST MEDIA and no one has it. So we carry on. And I’m sure this episode will have a SUBMIT OR SURRENDER main event worthy of Sting v. Cactus Jack anyway. I mean, honestly, what’s the worst they could possibly come up with, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Taped from Columbus, GA on 10.21.91

Your host is Tony Schiavone, as they don’t even bother to have him record a green screen intro this week.

Heavy Metal Van Hammer v. John Peterson

BREAKING NEWS: Hammer apparently calls his fans “Hammerheads”, in case you’re still looking for tattoo ideas. Hammer with a dropkick and powerslam as the crowd of 18 goes CRAZY. To be fair, there’s an old lady in the front row who is pretty excited to see him, although that’s not the demo they were going for. The slingshot suplex finishes at 2:00. I feel like they missed an opportunity by not bringing in Hercules and teaming him up with Hammer as Hammer of the Gods.

WCW THIS WEEK! WITH ERIC BISCHOFF!

His guest this week is Mr. Hughes, as we learn that in fact our main event is Hughes taking on PN News in SUBMIT OR SURRENDER. Can I just surrender right now so I don’t have to watch the match?

El Gigante v. Mike Fever

I actually thought Gigante was gone by this point. Tony notes that negotiations are in place to have Gigante team with Van Hammer soon. My first offer would be PLEASE DON’T. My second offer would be FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. Gigante with some clubbing forearms and a big boot, really showing the skills he learned in Japan, and THEE CLAW finishes at 1:45.

Steve Austin & The Enforcers v. Bobby Eaton, Dustin Rhodes & Tom Zenk

Dustin is pretty upset at the Enforcers and he actually has a tag team title match coming up at the Clash to get revenge for Barry Windham. There’s speculation that Windham won’t be there and Dustin will need a new partner, but one thing we can all agree on: It’ll just be a man. Dustin hits Arn with a flying clothesline and it’s over to Bobby, who controls with headlocks and then slugs AA down. Austin comes in and Bobby trades takedowns with him and rolls him up for two, and then clotheslines him down for two. Tony reminds us that Z-Man won the TV Title at the beginning of the year, which feels like a LIFETIME ago to be honest, but then messes up and says he lost it to Bobby Eaton. That’s why he needs a color commentator! Now kids are gonna be going to school wondering when Bobby Eaton won the TV title from Tom Zenk and getting all flustered about it. Larry comes in and slaps Dustin before running away in terror, but that ruse was a RUSE and Arn tosses Dustin over the top rope in the chaos to take over. Back in the ring, Arn slugs away on Dustin as the name of Ravishing Rick Rude is spoken for the first time here, and Larry gets a neckbreaker for two. Austin with a neckbreaker for two. Backdrop gets two as Tony drops the name of Rude again. OK WE GET IT ALREADY. So sick of hearing about this Rude guy, shut up. Arn with a chinlock as the beating continues on Dustin and Tony drops more lore, with the York Foundation having won the Six-Man titles around this time. Although they were immediately vacated and never mentioned again, so there’s that. Dustin comes back with a sleeper and Larry breaks it up behind the ref’s back, and Austin gets a suplex for two. Arn with the spinebuster, but he doesn’t even want to pin Rhodes because he’s so confident that it’s done. So he tags in Austin, and Dustin cradles him for the pin at 9:00. And then the beatdown commences, but Bobby Eaton is notably slow to come into the ring and help before finally chasing the heels off. Almost as if….NAH. That’s crazy talk. ***

And then it’s immediately MORE SIX-MAN ACTION. What is this, AEW? That’s too much six-man action!

The York Foundation v. Larry Santo, Lynn Fields & Jumpin’ Joey Maggs

Morton slugs Maggs down and chokes him out on the ropes. Rich with a back suplex on Fields and Morton adds his own suplex before Taylor puts the boots to him in the corner. Taylor with the Five-Arm and Morton finishes with the falling kneedrop at 4:55. This was actually the only time I can recall seeing the Yorks with the actual Six-Man belts.

Meanwhile, Van Hammer joins Tony and he’s looking out for Cactus Jack. Apparently Jack will feel the HAMMER HYSTERIA. That sounds unpleasant.

SUBMIT OR SURRENDER: Mr. Hughes v. PN News

Hughes attacks in the corner to start, but News runs into him with his GIRTH and they get nowhere. Hughes beats him down and chokes him out on the ropes, but he misses an elbow and News goes to work on the arm. Hughes boots him down and points to his head to indicate intelligence, and then uses a FULL BODY LIFT AND SLAM. Hughes with a back elbow and he goes to a neck vice as neither guy is actually trying for a submission of any sort. Hughes boots him down and snaps his damn suspenders in the process and we actually take a commercial break from this hot action. Back with Hughes putting him down with a clothesline and once again pointing to his head, and of course this time it backfires on him spectacularly as News gets a clothesine to come back. Corner splash and Hughes is completely sucking wind, but News misses the Broken Record splash and Hughes puts the boots to him again. So they fight to the floor as the match continues to go nowhere slowly, and back in for the camel clutch on News. But then Steve of the Young Pistols runs out and he’s got a white towel, so Race attacks him and throws in the towel himself, giving Hughes the win at 7:40. What a stupid fucking finish. DUD

WCW THIS WEEK PART TWO! WITH ERIC BISCHOFF!

This week’s second special guests are the Patriots. And we learn that next week’s main event is Chip the Firebreaker (aka Firebreaker Chip) against Larry Zbyszko in SUBMIT OR SURRENDER 4! Also Chip tells a story about breaking a fire the other day, and he had to make the choice between saving a young child burning to death in the building or walking away. Must have been a tough choice for him.

And Madusa does a quick heel promo with Tony to wrap it up.

No WCW Top Ten this week? I sat through this whole episode for NOTHING.

Next time: CLASH 17 REDO!