The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 07.13.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 07.13.91

Originally written 05.13.26

Taped from somewhere, sometime, probably in June, according to History of WWE.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Magnum TA! Wouldn’t have guessed that one, actually, as the replacement for Gordon Solie.

BREAKING NEWS: The WCW World title is now VACANT. Because reasons.

Jim Herd joins us via taped statement, clarifying that Ric Flair was unable to sign a new contract with WCW, so the WCW Board has decided that the best course of action for WCW fans is to fire Flair and vacate the title, with the Bash main event now being Lex Luger v. Barry Windham, which fans have “been wanting to see for a long time”. This was PEAK WCW nonsense. Well, I’m sure this won’t backfire on them at all. Wrestling fans are notoriously understanding and patient with these kinds of decisions.

The Diamond Studd v. Rick Ryder

Studd is apparently “260 pounds chiseled stone and bad to the bone”. In this case it’s more like “chiseled stone and chemically overgrown” based on his bloated physique. Or maybe “chiseled stone via growth hormone”. Or “chiseled stone and muscle tearing off the bone”. Studd beats on Ryder with chops in the corner and hits him with a chokeslam. To the top for a samoan drop and he follows with a pump splash in the corner. And the Diamond Death Drop finishes at 3:00. The crowd was less than excited about this squash.

GREAT AMERICAN BASH CONTROL CENTER! WITH PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY!

So yeah, the main event is now Barry Windham v. Lex Luger in a cage match for the vacant World title, and so the other half of the main event is now Arn Anderson & Paul E. v. Rick Steiner & Missy Hyatt. So we get promos from Luger and Windham, which is apparently supposed to make us think that Barry has any kind of a shot at winning ONE DAY BEFORE THE SHOW. Yeah the guy who’s been feuding with the Yellow Dog at the bottom of the card might be World champion! That’s sure a possibility! Anyway order the show because WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? Anyway I had an idea: Quickly retool the show to make it a one night tournament for the title instead. Sting v. Koloff and then Luger v. Windham are semi-final matches, and the winners face off for the World title in the main event. Luger v. Sting is the finals and Lex screws over his best friend to win the title. There you go.

PN News v. John Peterson

I swear DDP had better flow with his “chiseled stone” rant at the beginning of the show. DOES THIS GUY EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC? Go watch Mr. Holland’s Opus or something and learn what the beat is. John’s jacket indicates that he’s part of a tag team called “The Jet Setters”, which I would be interested in learning more about. So we get an inset from Johnny B. Badd, who promises to unmask the Yellow Dog and prove that it’s Brian Pillman, thus collecting the bounty. But given Barry Windham has now been removed from the storyline completely and will be turning babyface at the Bash, the whole Dog storyline was rendered completely pointless, so I can see why they dropped it like a rock. News hits Peterson with a dropkick and follows with a suplex and then finishes with the big splash at 2:32.

Meanwhile, DDP and Diamond Studd talk with Magnum about the upcoming match with Tom Zenk at the Bash PPV.

Stunning Steve Austin v. Keno MacKenzie

MacKenzie was a tragic case, as he was inspired to get into wrestling by the death of his more talented older brother, Baccarat MacKenzie. I hear his son Slot Machine is working Vegas indies to this day. Austin blocks a couple of takedown attempts and slams him before wagging his finger at him and going “NO NO NO!” and then tosses him for some slaps from Lady Blossom. Keno looks pretty pissed at that, so Austin hauls him back in and beats on him some more before hitting a lariat and picking him up at two. And the Stungun looks to finish, but MacKenzie doesn’t know to sell it and wanders around for a bit, so Austin rams him into the mat and pins him at 3:33. What the fuck was this geek’s problem? Never trust someone named after a numbers game.

Meanwhile, El Gigante squashes some doofus, but Kevin Sullivan and One Man Gang hit the ring and lay him out for multiple 747 splashes and then Sullivan shaves some of his hair off. So we hear from Bald Gigante and he threatens revenge with THEE CLAW.

Mr. Hughes v. Scott Allen

Hey this Allen guy was on the Superstars 91 episode I reviewed last week! Hughes puts the boots to Allen and puts him down with a clothesline and follows with a slam. And eventually he finishes with a Bubba slam at 3:45 and this was pretty dull. But then Robert Gibson & Dustin Rhodes hit the ring and brawl with the Yorkies, pulling out a double dropkick to clear the ring. But the Yorks triple-team Dustin until Gibson makes the save with a chair and thankfully this was a pretty hot segment overall.

The Hardliners v. Sonny Trout & Chris Sullivan

The Hardliners take turns working on Trout’s arm and then it’s over to Sullivan and the heels work on his arm as well. Murdoch hits Sullivan with elbows to the throat on the apron and Slater gets a corner clothesline and puts the boots to him. The announcers point out that the Steiners are gonna have to defend the tag team titles against these days at some point, injured or not. PSYCH! They actually didn’t have to. I think actually 1991 was a record for title vacancies, with the US tag team title, WCW World title, US title and World tag team title all vacant within the span of a few months.

Meanwhile, we meet Firebreaker Chip and Todd Champion, the PATRIOTS, who warn all the kids out there not to play with matches. Hot take, bro.

NEXT WEEK: Barry Windham, Arn Anderson & Diamond Studd v. Yellow Dog, Dustin Rhodes & Beautiful Bobby! Really, NOW they decide to start announcing matches for the next week, with the company in complete turmoil?

A complete dogshit episode setting up a dogshit PPV.