The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 04.13.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 04.13.91

Originally written 01.29.26

Taped from Dothan, AL on 03.11.91. This is a pretty marathon-like taping by WCW standards, I gotta say. Usually they do 1 or 2 weeks at most and then start a fresh set.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Gordon Solie

LAST WEEK! El Gigante gets involved in the Horsemen’s business and claws them to death.

Sting & Lex Luger v. Joe Cazana & Marc Mero

Well holy crap. Sting beats on this Mero kid in the corner to start, and I gotta say he’s a pretty good looking fella. Almost pretty, you could say. We get an inset promo from the Steiners, as Rick notes that the only thing he likes better than beating people is watching his brother beat people up. Does….does he have a little chair that he sits in while he watches? Just asking questions. NO YOU’RE MAKING IT WEIRD. Lex works the arm, but Mero gives him a knee to the gut, so Lex suplexes him for two. It’s over to “Jumpin” Joe Cazana, and Lex quickly hits him with a press slam, setting up a flying splash from the Stinger for the pin at 3:33.

El Gigante v. Terry Bronson

Gigante quickly puts Terry down with a clothesline and finishes with THEE CLAW at 0:49. Hey, at least they’re smart enough to keep it short.

SUPERBRAWL CONTROL CENTER! WITH GORDON SOLIE!

It’s the biggest PPV show in WCW history! Bold claim. Let’s see if they stick the landing. First up, we learn that the Young Pistols will do battle with the Freebirds for the US tag team titles because they couldn’t be bothered to book a tournament. Plus Arn Anderson defends the TV title against Bobby Eaton and Big Josh faces Larry Zbyszko!

The One Man Gang v. Greg Sawyer

Gang still has his Akeem hairdo after leaving the WWF in 1990, and he pounds on Sawyer and chokes him out with the jacket. We get an odd combination of managers here, with Kevin Sullivan and Teddy Long representing him, and the corner splash and 747 finish at 1:50. Wasn’t the world just waiting for this debut? Afterwards, they do a promo to show Gang’s new gimmick of “crazy guy”, although he only stuck around for a few months and then got fired and left the business again. Also apparently the target for the Gang is Ron Simmons, although that went nowhere.

Dan Spivey v. Larry Santo

Spivey puts the boots to Santo and we get an inset from Spivey, who promises a big surprise that will shock WCW because he’s here to stay. Yeah none of that was true. I think he was supposed to be pushed as a tag team with Stan Hansen but refused to do a job and got fired right away. Spivey puts the boots to Santo a bunch of times, and finishes with a Bubba Slam at 2:30.

Big Josh v. Terrence Taylor

I’ve been kind of enjoying this early Big Josh run for Matt Borne, but I sure didn’t like the character back in 1991. Taylor tries for a takedown and Josh stuffs it with a double stomp, almost inventing the Pedigree in the process, and then hits Taylor with a series of FULL BODY LIFTS AND SLAMS to send Terry to the floor. He doesn’t even have time to check his Twitter on the computer before Josh attacks him out there, so Taylor beats him down in the ring. Terrence with a clothesline and he drops a knee for two. Josh comes back with the log roll as all Canadians sing the Log Driver’s Waltz in solidarity, but Taylor brings in the laptop and Josh steals it and uses it for the DQ at 5:50. * Gordon: “He thinks it’s a music box!” To be fair it might have had the 1991 equivalent of Spotify on it. I think we had streaming music back then, it’s all kind of a blur now. I mean, I have a bunch of shiny discs in my basement and I can’t remember what they used to be used for.

The Freebirds v. Ricky Nelson & Joe Barrett

I have been advised by my comedy advisory team that further Ricky Nelson jokes are a bad idea. What about jokes about Nelson the band, instead? Do kids still think “(I Just Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection” is a bop? Has science discovered the purpose of the parentheses after all these decades? My wrestling recap advisory team has also informed me that there’s a match going on that I should really be recapping. The Freebirds win with something. There you go. God bless the people of Dothan who had to sit through up to four different Freebird squashes with intros from DDP for each one.

World Six-Man titles: Tommy Rich, Junkyard Dog & Ricky Morton v. The State Patrol & Dutch Mantel

Still no belts for the champs. Look, I can tolerate the State Patrol as much as the next guy, but they’ve been on these shows WAY too much lately. Dog chases Dutch out of the ring with a headbutt, but Ricky comes in and gets caught by Dutch with a backbreaker. Over to Wright, as Gordon notes that he never realized “what a scrapper that Morton can be from a standpoint of fisticuffs”. I don’t think any of us did. I blame myself. The faces double-team Parker with headbutts, which is like a night in the bar for Tommy anyway. Morton comes in and can’t clear Parker on a leapfrog. He couldn’t get in the air high enough to clear BUDDY LEE PARKER, a guy so short that they made him a leprechan. That’s what we’re dealing with here at the end of this taping. Morton goes to a chinlock to cover up the botch and then Tommy comes in and the Patrol works him over and drops elbows. To be fair, Dutch would have worked well as a third man for the Patrol, playing a corrupt southern sheriff of some kind. Morton wins with a rollup at 5:24 as the crowd pretty much empties out. This was TERRIBLE, like most of the rest of this episode. DUD

Next time: They finally do a new taping a month after this one!