The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 03.30.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 03.30.91

Originally written 01.11.26

Taped from Dothan, AL on 03.13.91

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Gordon Solie

We take another look at Nikita Koloff nailing Lex Luger with the US title at WrestleWar 91 and then his promo afterwards about how Luger stole the US title from him 4 years before.

Meanwhile, we get more sex face workouts from Nikita, who is embracing his Russian heritage again and doing a shitload of steroids like all great Russian athletes. And he bites the head off a Luger action figure to show what happens when the Russian Sickle hits.

The Young Pistols & Dustin Rhodes v. Mark Kyle, Joe Cruz & Johnny Boyd

Dustin controls Kyle with an armdrag and dropkick, and it’s over to Steve Armstrong, who hits Kyle with a bodypress for two. Gordon talks about how Steve’s younger brother Brian is a corporal in the Marines and how proud everyone is. Maybe he’ll be a wrestler someday? Cruz comes in and gets armdragged to death by Dustin. Over to Tracy, who uses some redneck kung fu, and tosses Kyle. Over to Johnny Boyd, who looks like the classic pasty Crockett jobber with dorky tights, and sure enough the babyfaces quickly destroy him. Seriously, Joe Cruz looked like a GUY and he could have been something, and Kyle had a good look as well. This third guy is just a normal dork. Pistols with a double chop to put Boyd down, but Kyle gets some shots in, so Dustin elbows him down. Over to Hangman Joe Cruz, but Tracy gets a flying bodypress on him for two. And then the Pistols double backdrop Boyd and Dustin bulldogs him for the pin at 6:00. Disguising Dustin in six-man matches for a while would have been a good move at the time.

Lex Luger joins Tony to discuss the whole Nikita Koloff situation, and he’s STILL wearing the old US title belt! After Nikita so nicely presented him with that brand new version! No wonder Nikita was pissed off. Lex bitches that Nikita jumped the line over all the other contenders, and he FLEXES with anger to show how mad he is.

OWEN HART v. Pat Rose

Well goddamn. Owen is wearing a bright yellow set of Mr. Perfect tights here, looking way more built than his Blue Blazer era. Owen takes Rose down with armdrags and does his big wristlock reversal flip spot before taking Rose down with a hiptoss. Owen misses a charge, but backdrops Rose and follows with a gut wrench and legdrop. Owen with the OWENZUIGIRI and he goes up and hits Rose with a missile dropkick. Back up again with a moonsault crossbody to finish at 3:15. Owen looked really good here but he was better off in Japan instead of the three ring circus of WCW at this point. I think he had one more match on this show and then he was gone again.

Sid Vicious v. Jamie McKinnon

Sid beats Jamie down with boots and we get an inset from El Gigante, who I believe is threatening Sid with a clawhold. Sid with a slam and neck vice and I believe Sid is yelling GIVE IT UP MOTHERFUCKER but I could be wrong. Sid busts out the helicopter slam for the first time in a while, and the powerbomb finishes at 1:55. And as usual they try to put the jobber on the stretcher and Sid clotheslines the poor bastard off it, and then declares “I loved every second of it” on the way out. Sid is a man in touch with his feelings.

The Freebirds v. Brett Wayne & Tommy Angel

The Birds entourage was entirely out of control at this point, with Diamond Dallas Page getting his own entrance with the Diamond Doll, and then they do a promo on the redneck crowd and introduce Big Daddy Dink, and then finally the Freebirds make THEIR entrance. I thought Brett Wayne was clearly not the more famous Brett Wayne, but a quick check reveals that yes, he is, but just older and lumpier. Well, happens to the best of us. I mean, not me, I just keep getting better looking. Shockingly Gordon doesn’t even bring up his long history, and Jimmy Garvin finishes Angel with a DDT at 1:30. The entrance literally lasted longer than the match.

Stan Hansen v. Jumpin’ Joey Maggs

Stan doesn’t even bother spitting out his chew, putting the boots to Maggs and hanging him in the Tree of Woe while Tony talks about Stan “making a name for himself in WCW” like he wasn’t already US champion in a months long feud with Lex Luger last year. Lariat finishes at 0:45.

Stan Hansen talks with Tony afterwards, declaring that all the pretty little boys in WCW will have a day of reckoning with him because they’re all cowards in love with themselves. Including Dusty Rhodes Jr! Interesting we never got that match.

Alexandra York joins Tony to make some clarifications. Bobby Eaton and Tom Zenk were never considered for membership in the York Foundation, apparently. I actually remember this, and I think there must have been something that came out at the time that Bobby and Tom were getting added to the team, so they did the interview to get ahead of it and swerve people. I do distinctly remember this interview from watching the show at the time and I always was confused because I was like “When did anyone think they were part of the team?” Anyway Bobby comes out to attack and gets jumped by Mr. Hughes as a result, and thrown in the ring for…

Bobby Eaton v. Lou Fabiano

Lou gets a quick attack on the distracted Eaton, but Bobby slugs him down and finishes with an aggressive Alabama Jam at 0:40.

El Gigante v. Jim Boss

Gigante with a one-armed slam and a suplex, and he finishes with THEE CLAWHOLD at 1:11. Well we found out who’s NOT the boss, that’s for sure.

And Sid comes out to cut a promo on El Gigante, and we’re done.

Hey, remember last week when they did that whole show-long angle to set up Barry Windham & Sid v. Brian Pillman & Ricky Morton and advertised it for this very show? Well, screw you jerks, apparently, because it didn’t happen and it was never mentioned again.

Love, WCW.

Next week: Barry Windham & Ric Flair v. Ricky Morton & Tommy Rich, in a match that DOES happen because I checked the taping to make sure.