The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 01.12.97

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 01.12.97

Taped from Orlando, FL, some months before this.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Bobby Heenan

Rey Mysterio v. Psicosis

Sure, why not? Rey works the arm right away and Psi reverses him while the announcers discuss the impending disaster that is nWo Souled Out. They trade takedowns and Rey takes him down with a rana, but Psi legdrops him on the back of the neck for two. Rey charges and lands on the apron, and then pops up top with a flying headscissors for two. Psi takes him to the apron again and goes up with a guillotine legdrop out there, which gets two. Psi with the sleeper and they fight to the top, but Rey crotches him and hits him with a rana off the apron and to the floor while Bobby and Tony make jokes about Piper putting Hogan to sleep. And the ref stops the match at 4:35 since they’re apparently both injured and unable to continue. Well that’s dumb. They were having a hell of a match before the abrupt non-finish. ***

Jimmy Graffiti v. Bobby Eaton

This is like six degrees of Midnight Express. Bobby and Dennis were replaced by Bobby and Stan, and they were replaced by Stan and Dr. Tom, and they were replaced by Dr. Tom and Jimmy. They’re basically related by blood and Jim Cornette. Bobby takes him down with a hammerlock and Jimmy makes the ropes. They fight over a knucklelock and Jimmy gets a cheapshot to escape that, but Bobby hits him with a neckbreaker and goes up with the Alabama Jam to finish quick at 2:54. I don’t remember Bobby as a singles wrestler after the Bluebloods at all. It’s entirely possible I hallucinated this match, in fact. Do we have concrete proof that WCW even existed outside of the mind of Eric Bischoff?

Akira Hokuto v. Madusa

I know what you’re asking: “But isn’t Hokuto the WCW Women’s champion?” Indeed, she is, but this is NON-TITLE. Hokuto hits her with a hairtoss as Tony talks about a new WCW Women’s Cruiserweight title that’s coming soon. I believe Deep Cuts spoke about that short-lived championship last year. Madusa with the hair takedowns for two, but Hokuto chokes her out on the ropes, and Madusa hits her with a sunset flip for two. To the top and Hokuto brings her down with a snap suplex for two. Hokuto goes up again and Madusa dropkicks her to the floor and slams her out there, but then she goes after Sonny Onoo and gets attacked for the DQ at 2:49. Another one where they were having a fine scrap until they just abruptly ended the match.

Squire David Taylor v. Leroy Howard

While Bobby Eaton has reverted to blond redneck, Taylor is still repping the Bluebloods at this point. Howard takes Taylor down with a wristlock, so Dave beats on him with forearms and hits a fallaway slam for the pin at 1:44. Bobby’s rambling story about Eaton getting kicked out of the Bluebloods is funny stuff. Tony: “Do you eat hot dogs?” Bobby: “NOOOOOOOOO.” Those two just riffing on each other keeps these entertaining even when the matches aren’t.

Brad Armstrong v. Jerry Flynn

Ooooh this is a very WCW Worldwide match. Brad works the arm and takes him down, and then hits a hiptoss and dropkick before taking him down with a headlock. Apparently this is the WCW debut of Jerry Flynn, according to Tony! I can’t even imagine a world without Lightning Foot. Flynn hits him with a kick, living up to his name, and chops Brad in the throat before putting him down with a back elbow and spinkick. Flynn with LIGHTNING FEET in the corner and Brad is flummoxed and discombobulated, but he comes back with a sunset flip for two. Flynn chokes him out with a Nash choke in the corner while Bobby wonders about the beauty contest in Marietta that was alleged won by a hound dog. Huge if true. Flynn kicks Brad down again for two and slugs away, but Brad hits him with a kneelift, so Flynn puts him down with a lariat for two. Flynn with a chinlock, but he misses a spinkick and Brad taps him out with a dragon sleeper at 5:20. This gets FIVE DEANS~! OUT OF FIVE! What a show this week.

The Barbarian v. Lex Luger

Lex Luger in the main event of a WCW Worldwide show in 1997? Is it my birthday a month early? Bobby goes on a whole run about the world’s toughest island dentist, who is a member of Barbarian’s family, and doesn’t stop until he gets Tony to crack up on TV. “He uses his left foot as anesthetic” and Tony can’t take any more. Barbarian works a headlock and they trade hiptoss attempts and you know it’s awesome because Luger goes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! And Barbarian goes ARRRRRRRRRRRR! And they turn it into a backslide as Luger gets two and then sends Barbarian to the floor to think it over. Back in, Lex with the headlock, but he walks into the KICK OF FEAR and lands on the floor, likely more afraid than when he started the match. Barbarian runs him into the apron and chokes him out on the ropes in the ring. Lex with a sunset flip for two but he runs into a clothesline and Lex goes AAAAAAAAAAAGH! And Barbarian goes ARRRRRRRRRRR! Barbarian puts the boots to him while Bobby discusses working some scams to get free tickets to WCW shows. Besides living in the city and showing up in the vicinity of the arena on TV taping days? Barbarian beats on him with chops in the corner and Luger goes AAAAAAAAAAAGH and Barbarian goes AAAAAAAARRRRRR so know we’re watching a good ‘un. Barbarian misses a charge and goes ARRRRRRRRRRRRR in the corner, and Lex slugs away in the corner and then hits him with a clothesline and he goes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. But Barbarian goes ARRRRRRRR and gets his own before dropping Lex on the top rope and you KNOW Lex is gonna go AAAAAAAAAAAAGH to that. Barbarian with a backbreaker and he goes up for the flying headbutt, but that misses and Lex puts him away with the torture rack at 8:40, ending this show in the only way I would deem acceptable. Lex goes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH to celebrate his glorious win. 10/10 no notes.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. I still can’t believe Bischoff managed to kill this wonderful company despite shows like this one existing.