The SmarK Rant for WCW Thunder – 04.26.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Thunder – 04.26.00

I REALLY don’t want to review multiple WCW 2000 shows this week, and the main request seems to be reviewing this episode in particular, so this week it’s a THUNDER review and then we’ll go back to Nitro next week.

What we missed on Nitro: David Arquette challenges Eric Bischoff to a match where DDP gets a title shot at Jeff Jarrett in a steel cage if Arquette wins. So David beats Bischoff and then DDP goes on to win the World title from Jeff Jarrett in a cage match with the help of a babyface-turned Kanyon after Kimberly broke up with Page and demanded a divorce. THIS WAS ALL ONE EPISODE.

Taped from Syracuse, NY

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan & Mike Tenay

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff and Kimberly pull up with Jeff Jarrett apparently using their car to kidnap David Arquette. So they all head to the ring and Jarrett threatens continued torture of Arquette until DDP answers the challenge. The challenge? Jarrett and Bischoff v. Page and Arquette with the WCW title on the line. And we get Shane Douglas and Buff Bagwell standing in the aisle, supposedly looking tough, but Team Package attacks them right away. This leaves Kimberly and DDP in the ring, and Page threatens her with a Diamond Cutter, as you do in order to keep your estranged woman in line, but Kim goes low on him and leaves him laying. There was certainly a lot going on in that opening segment.

Meanwhile, Ernest Miller chats with Mean Gene about his ongoing issues with Bam Bam Bigelow, which I guess began on Nitro.

Meanwhile, the heels have Arquette locked up in a sewer somewhere.

Ernest Miller v. Bam Bam Bigelow

The Cat clarifies that it hurt him personally to have to kick Bigelow in the face, and he doesn’t want to fight tonight. He wants another chump instead! But then he insults Bigelow’s mom and that proves to be a bad idea. Bam Bam hits Cat with a faceplant and a backdrop suplex and then retrieves a chair, but Cat puts on a single red shoe and finishes with the kick at 1:12. “Bigelow’s not done with him!” notes Tony after he just lost to the guy in about 60 seconds with one kick.

Meanwhile, the torture of Arquette continues. Yeah that’s a shame. “You’re gonna be able to see it whether you want to or not!” Tony declares. Sounds like Russo’s TV booking in a nutshell.

Shawn Stasiak v. Kanyon

I just want to note that the canned heat for this show is BRUTAL, like on the level of the Thunderdome RAW shows. Stasiak overpowers Kanyon a few times, but gets rolled up for two. Kanyon comes back and slugs him down and follows with a neckbreaker. Meanwhile Curt Hennig is at ringside doing commentary and promises not to use the brass knuckles that he’s carrying around. But then Stasiak gains control and Hennig leaves, hits Stasiak, and the Flatliner finishes at 2:38. And then Mike Awesome comes out and brawls with Kanyon while Hennig beats the crap out of Stasiak, really getting Stasiak over as a hot young threat. Oh and then Awesome powerbombs Kanyon through the announce table because there’s not enough going on in this nothing segment, and then DDP comes out to confront Awesome and Stasiak and lays THEM out. Also why they didn’t team up Awesome and Perfect Stasiak as the Superlatives? Do I have to do everything for these clowns? Anyway for some reason all this is enough to convince DDP to accept the challenge of Jeff Jarrett tonight. For those keeping track, everyone looked like a geek by the end of this segment.

Billy Kidman joins us and declares Hulk Hogan to be DEAD after going through a table on Nitro. Also MARC MERO is sitting at ringside in a thing that I don’t think leads anywhere. Anyway Kidman does a rambling promo and issues an open challenge to anyone in the back.

Billy Kidman v. Horace Hogan

Horace is apparently avenging his uncle, complete with using Hulk’s music, and he attacks Kidman on the floor and puts the boots to him. Back in the ring, Horace clotheslines Kidman back to the floor as the announcers upgrade Hulk Hogan to SURROGATE FATHER for Horace, because god knows Hulk has been such an exemplary father to his other kids thus far. Kidman gains control again and stomps Horace down in the ring, but Horace clotheslines him. Kidman comes back with a rana and drops an elbow on Horace as we learn that the big match is Kidman v. Hogan at Slamboree, with Eric Bischoff as referee. That sounds dreadful. Kidman goes up and misses a splash, but now Bischoff comes out while Horace powerbombs Kidman and makes the comeback. So he grabs a chair (“The same type of chair that hit Hogan on Monday night!” notes Tony to really sell the stakes here) but then he changes his mind and retrieves a table instead. “We know when they duck their head under the ring they’re looking for a table!” notes Tony helpfully. So Horace tries to suplex Kidman, but Torrie goes low on him, Bischoff knocks out the ref with the chair, and Kidman puts Horace through the table instead as Bischoff counts the pin on the floor at 5:45. This was just insanely overbooked for a fucking Horace Hogan match. But at least not the worst Horace Hogan match I’ve ever seen, so there’s that. **

Tank Abbott joins us and he’s still looking for Goldberg, who isn’t here as usual. So Tank issues an open challenge, as everyone seems to be doing tonight, and then heads over to former WWF superstar Marc Mero and picks a fight with him! So Mero jumps the guardrail and gets into a weak boxing match with Tank in the ring, which is quickly broken up. Well that was quite the payoff.

Meanwhile, DDP rescues Arquette from the sewers where they’ve been keeping Jim Crockett Jr. locked up since the buyout in 1988.

Tables match: The Wall v. Sting

Sting is still covered in blood from Monday night, which seems unsanitary. A few more blood spatters and he’d be into Jon Moxley territory. Sting tries an apron powerbomb and lands on his ass after slipping, and powerbombs Wall through the table at 1:14 to win. That’s the whole match? OK then. DUD. And then Vampiro hits the ring for a double-team on Sting, but he fights them off and chases them to the back.

Meanwhile, Sting walks out the back door, hopefully to go find a shower somewhere.

Vince Russo and the tag team champions join us, as Tony calls him “the man who has turned around WCW”. Yeah the ratings don’t exactly back that up. Russo complains about Syracuse being terrible. Apparently at Slamboree we’re getting Buff Bagwell v. Lex Luger and Shane Douglas v. Ric Flair in singles matches after they took the trouble to put the tag team titles on these guys. Apparently Flair is gonna be FRANCHISED at the PPV. I think Flair has proven that franchising his name is a very bad financial move for everyone. So Team Package comes out to confront Douglas & Bagwell, but security steps in. So Flair does a promo and puts over Hulk Hogan, calling him “the white collar champion” and then goes into a ranting promo where he yells out random terms like Donald Trump in between going whoo. “Wargames!” he shouts randomly. Well hopefully they don’t try to bring THAT back. Flair calls the heels a bunch of MARKS and then names a bunch of people who he has wrestled and declares that he’s pissed away more money on bar tabs than they’ve ever made. So finally after 10 minutes of this, we get to the POINT, as Flair wants 5:00 in the ring with Russo if he beats Douglas at the PPV or if Russo interferes as well or something, I’m not 100% clear on what was decided there. But I’m pretty sure it’ll lead to Russo pinning Flair. And Russo immediately accepts because “he’s not a chickenshit heel”. And then the interview KEEPS GOING, as Russo tells Luger that he’s glad Lex survived “the fatal car crash known as the Lex Express” and then declares that Liz is “his property” because she has a WCW contract. So security goes to retrieve her, and the babyfaces chase them off and attack the heels, which allows Russo to kidnap Liz as they throw more and more shit into the same segment. Two kidnappings in the same episode?

Tammy Sytch (with Rick Rude ripoff music and probably a good fifth of vodka in her) joins us to talk shit about Paisley and I guess we’re getting a match. Lucky us.

Tammy Sytch v. Paisley

They do some rolling around and hairpulling to start but Tammy chokes her out to take over and then Candido gets his own choking. Paisley goes RIGHT TO THE LADY YAMBAGS, but Tammy hits a stunner, which is apropos because she’s had more beers than Steve Austin tonight, and then she goes up and dives onto the men outside for some reason. So Paisley goes after Candido in the ring and then “hits” Tammy with a handspring elbow for one. So Tammy goes up and Iaukea trips her up, allowing Paisley to get a DDT for the pin at 3:26. This was a TAPED SHOW and they couldn’t even edit this down to something halfway watchable? -***. Once again, if Candido was feuding with the Artist anyway, then what was the point of stripping the title and putting it on Candido?

Meanwhile, Booker T gets his promo interrupted by Tylene Buck and she asks stupid questions.

Meanwhile, David Arquette has injured ribs from his previous kidnapping but he’ll do the main event anyway. What a trooper.

Booker v. Mike Awesome

Oh look Mike Awesome in his 185^th segment of the show. That’ll get him over. Just keep throwing him out there, eventually people will care! Tony keeps calling him “Booker T” here on this taped show and I literally have no idea what the purpose of continuing the “Booker” stuff is supposed to be. Nobody cares about the stip, just call him Booker T again already. Scott Steiner joins us on commentary and now he has the police siren music that he kept for the next two decades after this. Awesome catches Booker with an overhead suplex while Steiner buries Hulk Hogan on commentary. Booker with the kicks to take over and he clotheslines Awesome to the floor while Tony talks about Steiner having a “personal vendetta that started last Monday”, which is Russo in a nutshell. Awesome with a flying clothesline in the ring which gets two and Awesome drops an elbow for two before going to the chinlock. The crowd is just dead and Awesome is Just A Guy two weeks after his big debut. Booker makes the comeback, but Steiner runs in and hits him with the US title, and Awesome powerbombs him for the pin at 5:14. *1/2 Great way to build up Booker for that US title shot. And then it gets WORSE, as Awesome and Steiner double-team Booker, but he’s saved by Lash LeRoux (“We haven’t seen him since last Monday!”), Chavo Guerrero, Hugh Morrus and Van Hammer. OH LORD NO. I somehow thought I had avoided that whole thing.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart sits down with Scott Hudson to discuss his vicious chair attack on Hulk Hogan on Monday. It seems that Bret is upset about Hulk Hogan holding him back over the years, despite the fact that Bret could out-wrestle him. He’s so upset that he can’t even write his Calgary Sun column (on yellow notepad!) without seeing Hulk Hogan’s face! Bret really wants one final quest to submit Hulk Hogan in the Sharpshooter before he leaves the business. Well this all ended up being a complete waste of time.

WCW World title: Diamond Dallas Page & David Arquette v. Jeff Jarrett & Eric Bischoff

They just casually mention “the one man who gets the pinfall will win the title” here without even stopping to ask how the fuck that’s supposed to work. Oh and Kimberly is the special guest referee because why not throw another dumb stipulation on the same show? Bischoff and Arquette brawl to the back while Page gets a neckbreaker on JJ and Kimberly refuses to count because she broke a nail. Page with a powerbomb and again no count. Jarrett with a sunset flip and Kim fast counts him, and Page reverses and she slows counts it. Jarrett puts the boots to Page as Eric returns from the back, having successfully beat up Arquette, and the heels double on DDP in the corner. Page comes back with a double clothesline as David Arquette makes his heroic return, here at the 2:00 mark of this match, and he spears Bischoff and pins him at 3:00 to win the World title. And Diamond Dallas Page, who just had his World title reign cut short after only one day as champion, celebrates with Arquette like a complete cuck. I don’t really understand how Arquette was even the legal man there, but of course that’s the LEAST of the problems with this title change.

First of all, it’s an actor. In a World title match. Where the title can change hands in a TAG TEAM MATCH and the champion doesn’t even have to be pinned!

OK that’s like three things but Russo is terrible at math anyway.

Second of all, they reset the titles on 4/10 and we’re already on our THIRD World champion of the new era and the belt is already meaningless with even worse treatment to come.

Third of all, it was barely even a match, it was 3:00 long and Arquette ran out from the back and did one spear for the win.

Like this wasn’t the bullet in WCW that the documentary portrays it to be, but I know for a fact that there were a lot of fans who absolutely stopped watching after it happened.

AND ANOTHER THING. Russo’s big bitching point against the WWF was that he was burned out from doing Smackdown in addition to RAW, but here he is doing Nitro, AND Thunder, AND appearing on both shows as a regular character in 18 segments a week. I guess having enough money to fuel your “energy” will help with that burnout.

A legendarily craptacular episode that more than lives up to the pedigree of its reputation.

Next week: Back to Nitro as we prepare ourselves for Slamboree!