The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 09.03.94

The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 09.03.94

The episode that WWE put up on the Vault channel was really fun to review and did some good engagement, so even though they don’t seem to be carrying on, I have them all anyway and I’ll keep going with this era.

Taped from Atlanta, GA, I think around August 10.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Bobby Heenan

Tex Slazenger, Shanghai Pierce & Big Bad John v. Dustin Rhodes & The Nasty Boys

Dustin takes Tex down with armdrags while Tony explains the basic concept of WarGames for newer fans. Probably smart given the audience Hulk was pulling in. Dustin clotheslines Tex to the floor and it’s wisely over to Big Bad John, who seems better equipped to deal with the situation. But then shockingly, he gets double-teamed by the Nasties and chased back to the corner again! NOT BIG BAD JOHN! Now I don’t believe in anything. Pierce comes in, as I just realize now that he’s lost the mask at some point in 1994 and he looks a lot like Henry Godwinn under it, but Big Bad John tags in again and Dustin quickly finishes him with a bulldog into the Sags Shitty Elbow at 4:54. Well I’d say they’re ready for WarGames if their handling of Big Bad John is any indication. Also the replay shows that Sags dropped that elbow right on the poor fucker’s abs, so that had to suck.

Afterwards, Tony chats with the Nasties and Rhodeseses, and Dusty has his baseball hat backwards so you know he’s ready for a fight. Dusty notes that Col Parker has now got Dusty started, like a young woman who has married an old man. I think he lost track of his own metaphor at some point but just did the 1994 version of tweeting through it.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. John Faulkner

Duggan puts Faulkner down with clotheslines and quickly slams him to set up the three point stance to finish at 1:00.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Kenny Kendall

Blacktop Bully puts the moves on the Diamond Doll at ringside but doesn’t have much game, apparently. Page was still in his weird limbo period where he wasn’t particularly good yet, but he at least looked like a legitimate wrestler now. A really bad wrestler most of the time, but at least not the cosplayer he frequently appeared to be before this period. He just needed something to make it all click, like a good finisher or something. Page stalls and jaws with the fans, so Kendall takes him down with a headlock and works on that. Page puts him down and chokes him out on the ropes, which the Doll gives an “8”, although it would be a “12” in the Tokyo Dome. Page with a hair slam for two. He goes to a chinlock and hits something like a Dominator for two. Back to the chinlock, but Kenny fights out of that with a suplex. Small package gets one, and a sunset flip follows, but Page clotheslines him down and then finishes the Diamond Cutter at 6:33. Didn’t really have the snap to it that he would later nail, but the bones were there. Also it’s actually good that he went back and forth with the jobber here, because history showed that getting reps on TV helped him improve drastically.

FALL BRAWL CONTROL CENTER! WITH MEAN GENE!

Cactus Jack faces Kevin Sullivan in a loser leaves WCW match. Why would want to threaten them with a good time? Also this card sounds pretty good and I might have to redo the show, actually.

Lord Steven Regal v. Brian Armstrong

What, another Armstrong kid? The announcers make fun of his weird hair while he works a headlock on Regal, but Regal beats on him in the corner and then blocks a rollup attempt for two. Armstrong takes him down with a drop toehold and dropkick to take over again and then goes up and misses a flying splash, allowing Regal to just pin him at 2:00. I hear he left the business and worked backstage at country music shows after this. Probably for the best.

Bad Attitude v. Stars & Stripes

One of my favorite Dusty stories is that WCW originally debuted the heels as the Fabulous Express, but Dusty quipped that it made them sound like a fast food restaurant and so they quickly changed the name. Chemistry is a funny thing, because you’d think switching out Stan Lane for Steve Keirn might give you something vaguely resembling the Midnight Express, but it sure did not. Bagwell and Patriot double-team Eaton and send him to the floor with hiptosses, so it’s over to Keirn and the babyfaces go to work on his arm. Keirn’s attempt at keeping his hair at this point was rather misguided and he would have been better off just shaving it like Austin did. Bagwell misses a charge and crotches himself on the ropes, allowing Bald Attitude to go to work on him in the corner. Bobby with a backbreaker and Keirn switches in for more abuse, but Bagwell fights them off and makes the hot tag to the Patriot. He runs wild with dropkicks and a sholderblock on Bobby and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Patriot tries the Uncle Slam on bobby, but Keirn kicks out the knee to break it up. So Bagwell trips up Keirn and Patriot pins Eaton with a sunset flip at 9:00. This was fine and although Stars & Stripes were one of the least interesting Bagwell teams, they were still good together. **

Mean Gene promises an update on Hulk Hogan’s injury on the WCW Hotline tonight, which is funny because last week Tony literally said on the show that Hulk wasn’t actually injured and he’d be fine.

Ricky Steamboat v. Jean Paul Levesque

This is a non-title match because no one would buy this Levesque kid as a contender. Jean Paul hides in the ropes, but Steamboat takes him down with a headlock and rolls him up for two. Levesque slugs away on the ropes, but Steamboat fires back with chops and then catapults him into the corner. Back suplex gets two off that. Steamboat tries another one, but Levesque rakes the eyes and dodges a blind charge to take over. Steamboat tries a clothesline and hurts his own arm as a result of the post bump, so he bails to the floor to recover. And then Levesque runs the arm into the post again, revealing himself to be some kind of, I dunno, really brainy killer of some kind let’s say. Back in the ring, he works the arm, but Steamboat fights back with one arm, so JP takes him down with a Fujiwara armbar and puts the boots to him. But then he tries a slam and Steamboat reverses into a cradle for the pin, with one arm no less, at 7:37. YOU CAN’T BODYSLAM STEAMBOAT. That’s just basic wrestling lore. This kid needs to study more history. Maybe see if he can marry Dusty’s daughter to improve his push. Also I thought this would have been Steamboat’s last televised match but he got a WHOLE bunch of them in the can before the Clash ended his career so it looks like he’s on TV for a couple of months after this still.

The Stud Stable joins Mean Gene, and Terry isn’t afraid of Dusty’s supposed surprise. “What, did he drop 25 pounds? So now he’s down to 382 or so?” And then he makes sure to laugh at his own joke to really sell it. Also Arn Anderson is now a cowboy of some kind. This was tremendous, I can’t even do it proper justice.

Alex Wright v. Brady Boone

This is Wright’s debut, as he backflips into the ring and then Boone does his own to be an asshole. They trade hammerlocks on the mat while Blacktop Bully tells Wright to go back to Germany. Harsh. Wright gets a headlock and Boone powers out of that and takes him down with a cross-armbreaker, honestly kind of gobbling Wright up here and making him look pretty bad. Wright fights back with a leg lariat and a snap suplex for two, but Boone gets his own leg lariat out of the corner and beats on Wright with kicks. Wright with a crossbody, but Boone rolls through that for two. So Wright hits a belly to belly and holds him down for the pin at 3:40. Kind of a weird match. It wasn’t like Boone was “shooting” on him but he sure wasn’t giving him much and kept cutting Wright off to do submission holds. Poor kid was a magnet for surly old WWF guys trying to get their shit in, I guess.

Kevin and Evad Sullivan join Mean Gene, and Dave has a Get Well card for Hulk, which prompts Kevin to smack him around. Kevin promises to beat Cactus Jack fair and square, and then tells his idiot brother to go get a tombstone and chisel Jack’s name on it. Also we’re gonna get a Jack v. Kevin match next week, in advance of Fall Brawl.

Vader v. Chris Michaels

Vader with a delayed suplex on Michaels, then quickly hits the Vaderbomb for two. Powerbomb finishes at 2:05.

Stunning Steve Austin v. Brian Pillman

They had quite a few matches after the breakup but nothing that ever achieved the potential they should have had. Austin offers a handshake, but trusting Steve Austin is probably a bad idea. So Austin immediately claims a hairpull in the corner and they trade headlocks on the mat while Austin complains about the hair. This is a very boring period for Austin’s presentation, with plain black trunks and boots, which as you know have never resulted in anyone getting over while wearing them. They trade sleepers and Brian puts him down with a jawbreaker and goes to the top. But Austin cuts him off and brings him down with a superplex for two. Pillman makes a comeback and slugs away in the corner, but he charges for a high knee and gets hung in the Tree of Woe. So Austin puts the boots to him, but Ricky Steamboat runs in for the DQ at 6:30. Another extremely underwhelming Austin-Pillman match. *. But Steamboat’s arm is all wrapped up, and Austin goes after it and injures the arm again apparently.

Steve Austin joins Mean Gene and claims that Steamboat is gonna go crying to the WCW board of directors to get out of the US title match at Fall Brawl.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Hulk Hogan is rehabbing his knee, brother, and all the kids are upset that Hulkamania might not live forever now. THEY GOT ME BOXED IN, BROTHER. He accuses Bischoff and Bockwinkel of conspiring against him with Ric Flair and just wants a fair fight with Ric Flair. And then he goes off on Gene for “throwing the microphone in his face when he wasn’t ready”. What a whiny crybaby this guy is. Luckily Jimmy Hart and Beefcake pull him away to end the interview and hopefully put him down for a nap.

The Guardian Angel v. some guy

The (WWF Prison Guard) slam ends it immediately, and we get a staredown with Sting and Vader all hitting the ring to wrap it up.

Crybaby Hulk ruining everyone’s good time again, as usual.