The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.30.96

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.30.96

Turns out that I’m missing a few episodes of Nitro from the month after Starrcade 96, probably because they weren’t uploaded to the Network back in 2017 when I was reviewing them. The only version I have done is the crappy one from the WWE 24/7 era when they mashed the shows together into the Monday Night Wars, and we don’t talk about those rants anymore.

Live from Knoxville, TN

HOUR #1! THE HOUR THAT SOLD THE COCAINE TO BILLY CORGAN AND THEN STOOGED THEM OUT TO THE CW NETWORK!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Larry Z

The nWo arrive backstage and Giant is immediately salty about losing at Starrcade. But Hulk points out that even though he dropped the ball, they’re still a family. And then Giant points out that he won World War III and still deserves a title shot, but Hulk blows him off and tells him to chill out. You have to like the heel touch of Hulk chastising him for “dropping the ball” when he lost the main event to Roddy Piper.

The Amazing French Canadians v. The Public Enemy

Off to a hot start with this episode I see. To this day I don’t understand why they didn’t just lie and pretend Carl Oulette was “Pierre Rougeau” and call them the Rougeaus. They brawl to start and Jacques takes a backdrop and bails to the floor, allowing PE to double-team Carl for a bit before chasing him out of the ring as well. Meanwhile Larry rails against wokeness in 1996, saying men should get the earrings out of their ears and grow moustaches. I bet they drink Bud Light like COMMIES too. The French take forever getting back in the ring, so PE chases them into the aisle and beats on them with their own flagpoles. But then they try to use a table and that backfires spectacularly, and the heels finish Rocco with the cannonball at 3:44, really kicking the show off with a banger. By which I mean the sound that a car makes when it backfires and won’t start again. -**. This started bad and somehow just kept getting worse.

Cruiserweight title: Ultimo Dragon v. Jushin Liger

Well this is a random choice for a Nitro in Tennessee. Dragon quickly beats on Liger with kicks, but Liger fights back with clotheslines and puts Dragon down with a backbreaker. Liger with the bow and arrow and a handspring for two. Somersault senton gets two. Powerbomb follows, but Dragon comes back with his own backbreaker to put Liger on the floor, and he follows with a tope suicida. To the top for a flying splash, but he lands on Liger’s foot and Liger comes back with a brainbuster for two. Liger’s brain was already busted enough as it is by that point. See I can joke about that because he’s still alive and doing fine. To the top and Liger brings him down with a superplex for two. Back to the top and Dragon brings him down with a rana this time, and follows with a tiger suplex to finish at 4:43. I mean, this was about as good as you were gonna squeeze into 4 minutes but man did this need more time. ***1/2. They should expand this show to 3 hours, that would solve all their time management issues. But on the bright side, having done a 4 minute TV job to Dragon, Liger is now prepared to challenge for the J-Crown a week later in the Tokyo Dome.

Strap match: Konnan v. Big Bubba

Sadly, Big Bubba is absent for this match and thus we are robbed of the match we all tuned in to see. So instead, Michael Wallstreet joins us and takes the match on behalf of the nWo.

Strap match: Konnan v. Michael Wallstreet

Wallstreet decides to go up top and gets yanked down and crotched by Konnan as a result. Konnan beats on him for a bit, but Wallstreet chokes him out with the strap and we do the stupid gimmick where the heel touches one corner and the babyface touches the corner behind him but the heel doesn’t realize it until the fourth one, at which point it’s too late and the babyface falls into it for the win at 2:30. Complete garbage. DUD

Hollywood Hogan joins us and mocks Roddy Piper for losing the match at Starrcade and then running away from WCW after his one match was a failure. He sure did pack a lot of lies into 3 minutes there.

Hugh Morrus v. Kensuke Sasaki

We get a hoss fight to start and neither guy goes down while Tony notes that the production crew is “feverishly trying to put the tape together” to show the actual Starrcade finish. They slug it out and Morrus finally wins that battle, but Sasaki gets a suplex for two. Tony recounts the story of friction between Sasaki and manager Sonny Onoo, which I don’t think actually went anywhere, and Morrus takes him down with a chinlock. And then we cut to the announce desk, as Eric Bischoff shows up with a copy of the Starrcade tape and declares that no one is gonna see it. But then Tony declares that they have STILLS, so there! Check and mate! Sasaki misses a flying elbow and Morrus hits a moonsault at 4:30, but Onoo takes too long and the ref has to do a super slow-mo count until he runs in with a flagpole for a DQ. NOBODY CARES.

Meanwhile, we get a STILL PHOTO of Piper with his hand raised, so that’s clearly proof that Hogan was lying about everything.

Harlem Heat v. The Faces of Fear

Stevie slugs away on Meng to start and hits a corner clothesline while Tony reads off hype for nWo Souled Out and notes that although they’re talking about because they HAVE to, they’re also talking about because they WANT to. Oh just wait. Over to Barbarian, but Booker hits a Harlem sidekick for two while this show has impressively managed to kill off a Tennessee crowd in record time. Booker goes up and gets slammed off, and Meng gets a backbreaker for two. Back to Stevie while Robert Parker comes out and gives Sherri a little lovetap on the ass, and they brawl on the floor while Jacques Rougeau throws powder in Stevie’s face and Meng gets a superkick behind the ref’s back. But then Booker hits Meng from the top while the referee continues to be distracted, and Stevie kind of rolls over on top for the pin at 3:20. This show is SO TERRIBLE. How the fuck are you supposed to get heat on the French Canadians if they can’t even help the heels win without fucking it up? DUD

Diamond Dallas Page joins Mean Gene to discuss his ongoing offers from the nWo, but Page tells him not to worry about it because he’s gonna fix it and move on.

HOUR #2! THE HOUR THAT SECRETLY FIRED CM PUNK FROM AEW!

Disco Inferno v. Glacier

They should have had Disco play the Glacier character because no one has less heat. Glacier interrupts Disco’s prematch promo with a wristlock and works the arm, while the announcers put over Disco by talking about his new leglock, which he is apparently unable to actually figure out how to apply as of yet. Disco goes for the leg a couple of times and Glacier puts him down with a legsweep and superkick before beating on him in the corner and following with a gut wrench. So then Disco hides behind the ref and hits a clothesline to take over. So then he promises the new leg hold, but grabs the wrong leg and Glacier makes a comeback. Disco cuts him off with a neckbreaker and goes to the top, but he dances instead of doing a move and walks into the Cryonic kick at 4:14. This was bad even by the low standards of this episode. -**

Chris Jericho v. Chris Benoit

Jericho quickly puts him on the floor with the springboard dropkick and then follows with a missile dropkick to the floor. That one didn’t leave a lot of room for error. Back in the ring, Jericho tries a leapfrog and Benoit drops him on the top rope to take over and then beats the hell out of him on the mat while the announcers hype the upcoming midget wrestler match. Wait, I thought THIS was…never mind. Benoit with a powerbomb and elbow drop for two. Another powerbomb is countered into a backslide for two, but Benoit just chops him down again for two. They slug it out with vicious chops and Jericho rolls him up for two, and then puts him down with a clothesline. So Benoit gets annoyed and chops Jericho in the corner again, but Jericho superkicks him, only to miss a Lionsault. Jericho goes up and gets a flying bodypress, but misses a charge and lands on the top rope. Benoit brings him down with a backdrop superplex and that finishes at 3:49. Well this was a tad rushed to say the least. ***1/4

Meanwhile, the Four Horsemen chat with Mean Gene about their internal strife, but Debra and Woman immediately get into a squabble and things go south in a hurry. But then Jeff Jarrett interrupts and he wants a spot in the Horsemen as promised by Flair. So Flair tries to deflect things and dances Woman away, but Debra thinks that Woman is just upset because of her holiday weight gain.

MEXICAN MINI MADNESS! Mascarita Sagrada & Octagoncito v. Piratita Morgan & Jerito Estrada

Sagrada of course jumped to the WWF as Max Mini later on. Estrada is actually tall enough that he’d be considered a standard wrestler these days. So they all fly around and trade moves with no real story and Sagrada rolls up Estrada for the pin at 2:20.

Dean Malenko v. Rey Mysterio Jr.

They trade some mat stuff for a few minutes and the crowd really doesn’t care about any of it, and Dean gets a backbreaker to take over. Rey reverses another one for two, but Dean runs him into the corner while the announcers mostly ignore the match and sell the Starrcade replay. Dean alley-oops Rey onto the top rope and Rey almost slips and crotches himself, but then recovers with a crossbody for a double down. Dean counters a rana into a powerbomb for two. Rey with a rollup for two. Sunset flip gets two. Dean goes up and Rey sends him to the floor and follows with a dive over the post, which is an incredible spot that gets no reaction from the crowd. Back in the ring, Dean counters another rana into a Boston crab, but Rey reverses into a series of pinfall reversals and the crowd finally starts to get into it. Dean blocks a headscissors with a sideslam and Rey goes up again with a flying headscissors this time, but it’s a 10:00 draw at 9:15. Rey wants five more minutes but NOT ON THIS EPISODE, PAL. Match was OK. **1/2

Greg Valentine v. Lex Luger

Washed up Valentine using Stunning Steve’s old music is some hilarious recycling. Valentine hits him with some elbows but Luger slugs back until Valentine hits him with a kneelift. But then Luger pounds him down again and Valentine tosses him and beats on him on the apron. But then Luger flips in and finishes with the rack at 2:40. For those keeping track, this was the main event of the episode.

Rowdy Roddy Piper joins us for the closing promo, and he claims that Starrcade was his “last fight.” Yeah just like KISS just finished their “last tour”. So Hogan interrupts and notes that he only went easy on Piper because Piper’s kids called him and asked him to go easy on their father, at which point Piper decides to un-retire and asks for another match. And then the nWo hits the ring and the beatdown is on, as they lay him out with a chair to the bad hip and then Hulk tells Giant to finish him off. But Giant refuses and won’t chokeslam him, so Hulk stops the beatdown and decides to talk things over with Giant while Piper gets medical attention and goes out on a stretcher. So Hulk is sick of Giant’s insubordination and slaps him around, at which point Giant snaps and chokes Hogan out until he gets his title shot. Hogan cowers and apologizes and grants the shot, and then tells the nWo to get him and Giant destroys them one by one until the big guns finally overwhelm him and Hogan is able to hit him with the World title while at a 12-on-1 advantage. And then Hogan is of course triumphant again as we end the show. Unfortunately the super-hot angle here didn’t lead to a super-hot buyrate for Souled Out, or even a decent match, and it ended up being a complete waste of Giant’s babyface turn. Honestly they should have gone with the Luger match there and let the Giant babyface turn simmer for more than one night, which was Hogan’s pitch according to the Observer.

Nitro was pumping out some entertaining TV at this point, but this was not one of them. Everything was rushed and some stuff like the strap match and minis match were both rushed and completely pointless in the first place.