The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.18.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.18.00

And we have reached the finale for the year 2000! I really don’t think I’m feeling motivated to continue into 2001 no matter how many times my man Lou asks for it.

It’s the night after Starrcade and Ric Flair welcomes us to the show, then immediately books Bagwell v. Goldberg for tonight and announces Scott Steiner will defend his title at WCW Sin next month. Well I should hope so.

OK so this show had some shit go down that resulted in them having to completely rebook the episode on the fly, namely Sid Vicious and the Insiders all walking off the set before the show due to booking complaints. Apparently Sid thought that Starrcade was going to a double countout finish against Steiner, but then it got changed to him doing the job and he wasn’t pleased about it. So he no-showed Nitro.

Live from Richmond, VA, drawing 2870.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson. This is Madden’s last appearance before getting fired for good, by the way.

Sugar Shane Helms v. Shannon Moore

So both members of Three Count won the contract at Starrcade to face Chavo for the Cruiserweight title, so now they face each other to determine the ultimate winner of the shot. Which would be fine if they had SAID THAT at Starrcade in the first place. Helms with a rollup for two and Shannon gets his own for two as they trade near-falls and battle to a stalemate. Shane tosses him out of the ring and they fight on the apron, with Moore getting a rana out there. Back in the ring, they trade tombstone attempts and fight to the top rope, where Helms brings him down with a powerslam for two. Straitjacket suplex for two. Helms misses a superkick and Moore goes up with a corkscrew senton for two. Moore with a fameasser for two. They’re doing state of the art stuff and timing here but the crowd isn’t buying into it at all. To the top and Helms blocks him and comes down with a sunset flip for two. Shane with the VERTEBREAKER to finish at 6:10 and win the title shot. They were having a match 10 years before its time out there but it just died a death. ***3/4. Chavo hits the ring to attack, but Helms and Moore team up again and take him out.

Meanwhile, Hugh Morrus keeps yelling at the MIA like they’re a bunch of WWE trainees.

Scott Steiner joins us and rages about Ric Flair, and then tells DDP to “get a sex change” and come out and face him, and then buries Page further and tells Flair to “send him back down to the bush leagues” and begs Flair to make Page the opponent for the PPV. So this brings out Flair, who announces that Steiner will face two winners of matches tonight in a three way match at the PPV. And Ric announces that he’s not going to tell us who the involved people, and he’s also hired a “Mystery Player” who will be here tonight. So we’ve got two mystery matches and a mystery man.

OK, so after this segment, Steiner went backstage (not on TV), and got confronted by DDP, who sucker punched Scott. And that went horrifically bad for DDP, because Steiner beat the shit out of him until security pulled them apart, resulting in Page and Kevin Nash walking out on the show and leaving them scrambling to rebook their parts.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews the new team of Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell, who are Totally Buff. And they’ve got plenty of surprises for Goldberg tonight.

WCW Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Meng

They meet backstage and Funk beats him down with a trash can, but Meng no-sells it and puts the boots to him until Funk begs for mercy because he’s got grandkids. Well Meng also has children, as we have learned many times over. They fight into the arena and Meng keeps beating on him with a trash can all the way into the ring. Funk gets the can and fights back with it while Meng sets up a table. He tries to put Funk onto the table and Funk goes dead weight and falls off, which is like a sad metaphor for WCW at this point. Meng goes up and misses a splash, putting himself through the table, but Meng just no-sells it and puts Funk in the TONGAN DEATH GRIP. And then Crowbar runs in, hits Meng with a wrench, and Funk falls on top to retain at 5:00. And also Crowbar is no longer a 70s guy, suddenly changing back to his original gimmick. And then he challenges Funk to a title match at Sin.

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner goes after Jeff Jarrett, demanding to know who the mystery man is, but Jeff claims innocence.

Meanwhile, Big Vito is torn apart because his brother Reno turned on him at Starrcade. I’m shocked he can even keep track of who he’s related to at this point.

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome is disgusted that Crowbar has ditched the 70s gear, even though he himself ditched the 70s gimmick and went back to being the Career Killer. But now he’s back to being 70s Guy again, I guess.

Lance Storm v. Rey Mysterio

This is a qualifying match to qualify for the qualifier or something, as Rey quickly hits the Broncobuster in the corner, but he misses a moonsault. Storm superkicks him for two as Tony clarifies that the winner of this one faces the winner of another qualifier in the main event tonight and the winner of that goes onto the main event of Sin in a three-way match with another opponent who we don’t know yet. By the way the actual match ended up being a four-way. They fight on the floor and Storm sends Rey into the railing, and back in for two. Rey with a bodypress for two. Clothesline gets two. Storm cuts him off with a jawbreaker and goes to an abdominal stretch while beating on the ribs, but Rey goes up and misses a splash. Storm gets two from that. And Storm blocks a rollup and reverses into the Maple Leaf, which finishes at 5:15, sending Storm to the finals. Just a match. **

Mike Awesome v. Jeff Jarrett

Jeff slugs away in the corner, but Awesome hits him with a german suplex. He goes to the apron and JJ necks him on the top rope before taking him to the floor for a brawl out there. Awesome runs him into the railing and beats on him on the announce table as Tony is like “The Career Killer has re-emerged!” Yes we know, we already did that storyline. Are they even watching their own show? Back in the ring, Jarrett comes back with a dropkick for two. Awesome with a powerbomb for two. Awesome to the top with the flying clothesline and a Slapjack for two. Jarrett grabs the guitar and Awesome takes him out and grabs it, but the ref prevents any shenanigans by stealing it back, which allows Jarrett to find a backup guitar and hit Awesome for the pin at 4:52 to advance. Not great. *1/2

Meanwhile, Steiner is pissed off about Jeff Jarrett entering the tournament behind his back, but Jeff promises that he’s there to protect Scott.

Meanwhile, Glacier is still coming back at some indeterminate point in the future. So Norman Smiley is watching that promo in the back and he’s pretty excited about it.

Meanwhile, Shane Douglas is still not done with General Rection, and Kronik is going to help him on Thunder.

Meanwhile, Flair talks with the Mystery Man on the phone.

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome freaks out on the Filthy Animals and I guess he’s a heel again.

Alex Wright v. Ernest Miller

The Cat is offended by Wright’s dancing, and demands to see Mark Madden get in the ring and dance instead, which goes nowhere. So Cat attacks and backdrops Alex, who hides behind the ref in the corner. Wright with a clothesline and he puts the boots to the Cat and follows with a snap suplex for two. They fight to the floor and Cat throws a drink in his face and they do a lazy brawl on the floor to kill time. Back in the ring, Wright works the arm. And works the arm. And works the arm. And the Cat hits the Feliner kick out of nowhere and pins him at 5:53. *. This was the definition of completely pointless time filler.

Meanwhile, Mike Sanders arrives in a limo, and then Scott Steiner attacks more people backstage.

Mike Sanders and the Thrillers join us as the announcers try to convince us that Reno paid off Kronik to have HIMSELF beat up in order to fool Big Vito. Well that’s dedication I guess. Anyway, this was supposed to be Sanders doing a promo on Nash and DDP to set up a rematch for the PPV, but they had already left the show so instead we get Mike out there rambling about nothing in an effort to kill more airtime. So Ric Flair interrupts and brags about bagging women in Richmond in 1981 and then announces a tag team battle royal for Thunder, with the winning team getting the tag team title shot at the PPV.

THIS SHOW IS SO BORING. That’s the only thing worse than the complete car wreck of Russo episodes.

Goldberg v. Buff Bagwell

No match, as Lex Luger comes in for the DQ immediately, and they beat him down until Sarge runs in to make the save. This actually set up a PPV tag team match, where Goldberg lost and was retired to end his WCW career.

Jeff Jarrett v. Lance Storm

Winner of this advances to the PPV three way match with four people in it. They fight for the lockup and Storm tosses JJ out of the ring and then misses a dive. Back in the ring, Jarrett with the figure-four as the crowd is completely dead, but Storm reverses the move and Jeff has to make the ropes. Storm with a crucifix for two. Small package for two. Jeff rolls him up for two. Storm with a dropkick for two. Lance goes up and Jeff crotches him to bring him down and slugs away in the corner, setting up a superplex for a double down. Jarrett gets two from that, but Storm fights back and takes him into the Maple Leaf. And Jarrett quickly makes the ropes to escape that. Jarrett with the Stroke to finish out of nowhere at 4:38 to advance to the title match. Bad match with no heat. *1/2. This brings out Scott Steiner to confront Jarrett, and then he leaves and heads backstage looking for the Mystery Man. And indeed he finds him, as it’s a masked man in black who attacks Scott to end the show. It was intended to be Rick Steiner, but they forgot to call Rick and tell him, so instead the put Robbie Rage under the mask for this and used him instead. But then by the time they got to the PPV, the actual guy under the mask turned out to be Road Warrior Animal. Because WCW.

And with the show pre-empted on 12/25 and then again on 1/1, that means I HAVE COME TO THE END OF WCW 2000! Thank you for joining me on this journey and supporting me on the way, and I’m glad to never have to watch it again. THERE WILL BE NO ENCORE.