The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.16.96

WCW Monday Nitro

HOUR #1! Not quite the most exciting hour on TV, but darn close!

– Live from Pensacola, FL

– Hosted by Tony & Larry, although as part of the upcoming nWo Nitro experiment, Bischoff and Dibiase immediately boot them out of the booth to continue seeing if fans will buy an all-nWo show. (Spoiler: They wouldn’t)

– World TV title: Psychosis v. Lord Steven Regal.

(Whoa, that’s weird. I’m pretty obsessive about always putting the champion first for title matches, and have been since I started.) They trade wristlocks to start and Regal stretches him on the mat, using a couple of rather nasty armbar variations. We take a break as Bischoff and Dibiase totally ignore the match and drone on about how they’re taking over and 4 Life and stuff. Psychosis comes back as we return, hitting a spin kick and a kapo kick to send Regal to the floor, and follows with a tope con hilo. Back in, sunset flip gets two. He waits for Regal to stagger up, and then dropkicks him down again, before putting him on top and bringing him down with a rana for two. Man, this crowd is on coke or something, because they’re just popping for everything. (Considering it’s in Florida and I just finished watching Narcos on Netflix, it might not be hard to believe…) Small package gets two. Top rope legdrop gets two. Bischoff going on about Hogan and Piper and how Hogan was talking to Spielberg and how Piper can’t be the bigger icon because of his movie choices makes me want to reach through the screen and strangle someone. Regal comes back with a german suplex and pounds him on the mat, then locks in a rear naked choke, which is sold as a chinlock because Ken Shamrock didn’t debut until 1997. This one’s really hit the wall. Regal slugs away in the corner and gets a butterfly suplex for two. They fight on the top and Regal goes down first, and Psychosis comes down with a flying splash for two. Regal cradles for two. Psychosis with the backslide for two. Enzuigiri follows, but Regal blocks a flying headscissors and locks in the Regal Stretch for the submission at 10:29. Bit of a style clash, but they worked it out, as Randy Jackson would say. *** (Yo dog, that’s a pretty dated reference. And I mean, AS IF I would be watching American Idol…)

– Big Bubba v. Chavo Guerrero.

Chavito was little more than a jobber at this point. Chavo misses a bodypress out of the corner, but dropkicks Bubba and they do the rocking horse spot on the ropes, which puts Bubba on the floor. Chavo tries to follow with a dive, but Bubba catches him and slams him on the floor. Back in, Bubba pounds away but Chavo blocks a powerbomb by punching him down for two. Butt-butt and senton get two. However, he walks into the Bossman Slam and gets pinned at 2:52.

– Masa Chono and Sonny Onoo join us for an interview, but in a SHOCKING SWERVE, Chono reveals an nWo shirt, which Bischoff and Dibiase actually give away beforehand.

– Masa Chono v. Chris Jericho.

Jericho throws the spinkicks to put Chono down, but walks into a Yakuza kick, and Chono headbutts him down. Jericho comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Chono tosses him and they slug it out on the floor, with Chono not even flinching at the punches. Back in, Jericho keeps trying for a comeback but Chono won’t even sell for him, and Chono hits him with an atomic drop. Chono pounds away in the corner and blocks a blind charge from Jericho with a big boot, and goes up. Jericho brings him down with a superplex, which FINALLY gets Chono to sell something, and the spinkick gets two. Jericho misses a bodypress off the top but smacks Chono on the back on the way down for some reason, then charges and lands on the floor. I guess Chono is done selling for this match. Chono boots him as he gets back to the apron, which results in Jericho being hung by his foot in the ropes, and it’s a DQ at 5:48 as Chono won’t let him out of the ropes. There’s making someone look strong and there’s selfishly gobbling up someone’s offense, and this was the latter. *1/4

– And as if we haven’t heard enough about Piper v. Hogan this week already, let’s take you back to LAST week, as Piper fights off the nWo with the help of Kevin Greene.

– The Horsemen, minus Benoit, join us for an interview, and it’s another one of those weird ones where they spend the whole time bashing Benoit and Woman.

– WCW Cruiserweight title: Dean Malenko v. David Sammartino.

(See, champion listed first, AS IT SHOULD BE.) Didn’t even know that David showed up in WCW at this point. He definitely didn’t get his father’s size. They trade hammerlocks to start and take it to the mat for a bit, with not much going on. They trade small packages and David gets a backslide for two, but Dean rolls him over with a double chickenwing for the pin at 2:55. Never got going. 1/2*

HOUR #2!

– Hosted by Tony, Mike and Bobby, so they’ll be talking about how great Piper is while ignoring the matches, instead of talking about how great Hogan is while ignoring the matches.

– Juice Train v. Jerry Flynn.

LIGHTNING FOOT~! See, he had a career before becoming Goldberg’s personal jobber. His lightning feet don’t work against the Train, who powers Flynn down and dances around. Big splash and corner splash follow, but Flynn uses his LIGHTNING FOOT and a clothesline to come back. He tells fans at ringside to shut up, so you know he means business now. Ice Train slugs back as Tony begins hyping the infamous nWo Souled Out PPV in January. Double clothesline, but Train takes him down with an anklelock for the submission at 3:22. Truly this is the most exciting hour on TV. 1/2*

– Syxx fulfills the only purpose he’s good at, introducing the bigger stars, and brings out the Outsiders. They want the Faces of Fear TONIGHT. Don’t I get a vote, because I’d really rather not see that.

– A Sting video package tells us nothing.

– Rey Mysterio v. Bobby Eaton.

These are some oddball matches tonight. Eaton slugs him down to start and faceplants him, then follows with a backbreaker for two. Mysterio bails and Eaton follows with a dive off the apron, but he hits the railing and Rey hits him with a suicide dive. They fight to the apron and Rey brings him in with an awkward victory roll for two and follows with a spinkick. Springboard dropkick and springboard moonsault get two, as I half-expected the ref to springboard in between each count. Eaton comes back with a clothesline for two and we hit the chinlock. Eaton goes up with a flying knee, and that gets two. I don’t get why a flying knee only gets two, but a flying legdrop can finish. Wouldn’t it make more sense for the kneedrop to be the finisher? Bobby goes up to finish, but Rey catches him with the rana for the pin at 4:57. Another style clash, but decent for the little time given. **

– And now, the highlight of MY week, as Lee Marshall is on the road in Macon for the 1-800-COLLECT Road Report. I’m surprised he can remember the number.

– Kevin Sullivan v. Arn Anderson.

They immediately brawl on the floor and Arn swings and misses with a chair before they fight into the ring. Sullivan slugs him in the corner and tosses him out again, and they head into the crowd. Back to the ring and the ref gets bumped, and we get the nW…er, Dungeon of Doom run-in, with Hugh Morrus and Big Bubba distracting Arn long enough for Sullivan to hit Arn with a wooden chair for the pin at 3:48. Mongo makes the save long after he would have done some good. Thanks, man, way to earn your keep. * (You’ll note Arn’s involvement is becoming less and less, with only short matches now as he approaches the end of his career.)

– Rick Steiner v. Sting.

It’s the nWo Sting who comes to the ring (easily distinguished by being the one CHEWING GUM), but the real Sting follows him out and takes him down. What, you expected them to deliver on an advertised match? What show have you been watching?

– Hollywood Hogan joins us that Tony notes that “We’ve heard that music one time too many this week.” I shouldn’t need to remind you how I feel about shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. But I will: I love them. This is yet another ENDLESS Hogan promo about how he’s great and Piper and Savage are old and broken down and cowards.

– The Outsiders v. The Faces of Fear.

Hey, let’s hear that music ONE MORE TIME. Big brawl to start and Hall clotheslines Meng to set up the Edge, but Barbarian saves with a big boot. Nash gives him his own big boot, but Big Bubba runs in on behalf of the Faces…and turns nWo for another SHOCKING SWERVE. And it’s the nWo Finish, a subset of the Sportz Entertainment Finish, at 0:90 or so, which is where everyone runs into the ring for a big brawl when they don’t have any other way to finish things. Scott Norton comes out and turns nWo on Ice Train as an afterthought, which is pretty appropriate. Sting comes out and everyone stops fighting, but then he changes his mind and leaves. (You’ll note how quickly the awesome nWo angle has started going off the rails at this point.)

– You will note that out of three advertised matches (Sullivan v. Anderson, Outsiders v. Faces of Fear, and Rick Steiner v. Sting) the only one they actually delivered on was Sullivan v. Anderson, and even then it was only 3 minutes long. That’s why RAW started building an audience again. And speaking of which…