The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.11.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.11.00

Depending on how things go on Thursday with the move to Netflix, this is likely going to be the end of my Nitro journey through 2000.

Well at least I’m pretty sure this will be the worst thing to ever happen on 9/11.

Meanwhile, David Flair arrives for his wedding and mends fences with Crowbar and Daffney. Plus Jeff Jarrett calls the whole thing “outlandish vaudeville”, which is the pot calling the kettle outlandish vaudeville.

Live from Charlotte, NC, complete with a new seizure-inducing introduction. Oh and 1600 paid. IN CHARLOTTE. Holy shit. Shockingly, though, this show did one of the highest ratings of the year, with a 3.2 due to whatever crazy shit is going down on this one, plus RAW kind of going into the doldrums over the summer.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Jeremy Borash

WCW World tag team title: The Filthy Animals v. Kronik

We are graced by Konnan and Disqo on commentary, which makes my use of headphones all the more painful. This arena is EMPTY tonight. They can’t even make the hard cam side look halfway full. Kronik throws Juvy around and Adams hits him with an F5, but the Animals double-team Adams with a suplex to take over. “Godzilla just took a bump” notes K-Dawg. Also Madden asks him if we’re gonna see the “Faceful of Stuff” tonight, and Konnan notes that “No, because they’re not gonna sell it anyway”. Apparently he got yelled at backstage for that one afterwards. Clark comes in and smashes the luchadors as they bump all over the ring for these dweebs, but the Harris Brothers come out and attack Kronik to continue that god-awful feud, and Disqo hits Clark with a chairshot on the floor. Back in, Juvy hits a 450 on him for two. But then Clark basically fights them off by himself while Adams sells in the aisle, and the Animals finally hit him with the Wazzup for the pin at 4:28. Rey and Juvy are treated like such useless clowns even as World champions. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash retains the title in the Wargames cage match last week.

The Cat joins us, with Miss Jones. Seriously, the company is bleeding money at this point and losing millions, so what purpose does Miss Jones even serve and why bother keeping her on the payroll? First rule of saving money when business is down: Cut all the referees and valets. Meanwhile WCW does the opposite as usual. Anwyay, Cat announces that he has his commissioner powers back again as his role has completely jumped the shark now, and he’s making Kevin Nash v. Booker T into a cage match next week at Fall Brawl. WE JUST SAW HIM DEFEND THE TITLE IN A CAGE MATCH LAST WEEK. For fuck’s sake. Also Nash defends against Scott Steiner tonight for some reason. Also Miss Jones challenges Jeff Jarrett for some reason, so JJ comes out and promises to wrestle with his hands behind his back, trying to revive his moderately successful feud with Chyna from the year before in the other company, but then Cat kicks his ass until Scott Steiner saves Jarrett and the heels double-team Cat.

Meanwhile, Sting and Booker show up late, and the Rooster is freaking out because the nWBro is taking over the show! Maybe they’d book it better.

STICKBALL BAT ON A POLE: Big Vito v. Reno

We learn that not only is Kevin Nash defending against Scott Steiner, but Booker T is the referee and Goldberg is the other referee! Vito quickly hits the flying legdrop on Reno, but he goes after Chuck and the ref is bumped. Vito grabs the STICKBALL BAT, or as most call it, the stick, but Reno cuts him off and ROLLS THE DICE. So then Johnny the Bull returns from his groin injury, and shockingly turns on Big Vito, even though they were feuding when he left in the first place and so it makes perfect sense if you’re actually watching the shows, and Reno gets the pin at 2:20. Clearly your big mistake would be actually watching the shows and paying attention to what happens. But then Vito no-sells it and beats them all with the stick, so all the NBT runs in and beats him down 17 on 1 or whatever.

Meanwhile, Steiner and Jarrett celebrate with Kevin Nash and apparently they’re in charge tonight because they beat up the Cat, but the Cat returns with Booker as backup and threatens to fire all of them.

Meanwhile, Madusa is back and she’s got problems with Torrie Wilson! You know, because of the feud they’re apparently been having in the Power Plant that no one knows about.

Torrie Wilson v. Madusa

Madusa slugs away and gets a suplex, but Shane Douglas runs in for the DQ at 0:30. And then Shane suplexes her and puts her in an STF, calling her a bitch while choking her out until Billy Kidman makes the save and I guess these four are having a scaffold match at the PPV. This wasn’t just the usual brand of terrible for Russo WCW, it was actively icky to watch. Also Mark Madden noted that Lou Thesz invented the STF and “he was also known for beating up women”. Sure just burn all those bridges.

Meanwhile, a limo pulls up, but Mike Awesome also shows up in a Partridge Family bus, having moved from Fat Chick Thriller to That 70s Guy sometime in the last month. This poor fucker.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash proposes a Fingerpoke of Doom scenario to Scott Steiner, who is puzzled about why he has to lay down.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart delivers a letter to Stacy as she prepares for the wedding later tonight.

Jeff Jarrett v. Miss Jones

JJ rants about “broads competing with men” as I’m sensing a definite theme to this episode. Cat handcuffs Jarrett as promised and then attacks him, but Miss Jones calls him off and throws kicks on Jarrett herself. “She can wrestle!” declares the announce team while Jarrett basically wrestles himself while handcuffed. Ref gets bumped because we haven’t had enough of that already tonight, and Jones goes low, but Jarrett grabs the guitar and knocks her out for the pin at 1:18. But then That 70s Guy hits the ring and attacks Jarrett, who is HANDCUFFED I should point out, and chases him off like a real hero.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash actually draws the concept of the Fingerpoke on the white board so Scott Steiner can understand. “Wait a minute, why do you have three legs?”

Meanwhile, Nash tells Jeff Jarrett to “go talk to his retarded friend” Scott Steiner and explain the deal to him.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan joins us to talk about his cancer battle and finally beating it. But now he’s realize that no one can beat Father Time and he’s hanging it up and retiring. They’ve done so many swerves that mean nothing that no one even buys this nonsense for a second. Obviously we know where this ended up. Anyway, Duggan passes his flag to General Rection as they have to sell this stupid MIA gimmick as a serious patriotic deal. So then Lance Storm interrupts and demands a match tonight.

Lance Storm v. General Rection

Lance attacks and puts the boots to Rection before sending him to the floor and brawling with him out there. They fight over a suplex on the apron and Lance wins that battle, but Rection cradles for two while Major Gunns cheers on Storm, apparently no longer an unwilling participant. Rection counters a dropkick into a powerbomb and goes up to finish, but the moonsault misses and Storm gets the half crab. Duggan helps him to the ropes, so Storm attacks him, and Duggan hits him with the board in retaliation, putting Rection on top for the pin at 2:40. MiA all celebrates like he won the US title but it was non-title and they’re all a bunch of geeks. Match was fine for 2 minutes long.

Meanwhile, Stacy opens the letter and she’s shocked and horrified to read that David Arquette is booked to win the WCW title again! No wait, actually it said that she was being fired for repeated injuries. No wait that was Bret Hart’s letter.

The Marriage of David Flair & Stacy Keibler

Madden, snarking on the wedding beforehand, notes that wrestling weddings are always the best, just like Macho & Liz, Mongo & Debra, and Kevin & Nancy. Yeowch. So David calls out Arn Anderson on his big day, and Arn passes on his advice, which is that it is easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Also if he gets any money from the wedding, hide it in his pocket so she can’t see it. And finally when he goes out and gets drunk with his buddies after the wedding, take the money and run for his life after he gets home at 3am. So after that silliness, Ric Flair returns after being retired months earlier and puts over Stacy before joining the wedding party. But then the cops interrupt and arrest Ric for somehow violating a restraining order from Vince Russo, who isn’t even at the show tonight. And that’s all the fans in Charlotte get after waiting for the whole show to see Ric Flair. And then Stacy runs away and much like all the matches on the show, Vince Russo can’t even book a finish for a WEDDING. Anyway, since this is probably the end of the series for me anyway, Stacy was supposed to learn that Vince Russo was actually the father of the baby, because of course he was, but they just dropped the entire storyline cold before it ever paid off with anything.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo undergoes BRAIN SURGERY. The doctor notes that Vince was complaining of headaches, nausea and blackouts, which by a staggering coincidence is exactly how I feel after watching these shows. Anyway, he had a blood clot removed and he’ll be out for 2-5 months. Apparently this was done as a rib on Bret Hart for his complaints about blood clots in his brain after the Goldberg match. Ironically for Mr. Russo, he really did sustain a concussion in the post-PPV episode where he “won” the World title and had to leave our TV screens for good.

Sting v. The Harris Brothers

This was apparently booked by Vince Russo as revenge against Sting, because Russo is in charge except for when he’s not, and Sting holds off both Harriseseses until they hit him with a chain and choke him out. But then Kronik makes the save, as Sting moves from “brothers in paint” to “brothers in recreational drugs” and I guess this is supposed to make me want to see the Harris Bros v. Kronik in a chain match at the PPV. Anyway they put Sting on top after beating up a Harris and he gets the pin at 2:23. No one cares.

Speaking of no one caring, David Flair tries to restart the wedding, but Stacy isn’t into it. You and everyone else watching, sister.

So we head to the ring and try the wedding again, but Stacy objects to her wedding, reveals that David isn’t the father, and runs away.

Meanwhile, That 70s Guy tries to show the chicks his bus, but Jeff Jarrett and the Thrillers attack him as the poor guy doesn’t even get to get over a little bit with his stupid gimmick before they kill him off immediately.

WCW World title: Kevin Nash v. Scott Steiner

So Booker T is the special referee and Goldberg is the special outside enforcer. So Kevin Nash does the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM but Scott no-sells it, so Nash hits him with a sideslam for two. Steiner drops an elbow and Booker doesn’t count, so Scott attacks him and then the heels just drop the façade and double-team Booker. Is this swerve? I don’t even know anymore. Goldberg hits the ring but Steiner goes low on him and the heels beat him up as well. And they go on and ON and ON with the beating and there’s still 5 minutes left in the show, so the babyfaces make their own comeback with help from the Cat and you’d think we could just wrap it up there, but NOPE, instead we get Jeff Jarrett stealing the 70s bus and driving it into the arena with the NBT for another heel beatdown instead. And Booker gets put through the windshield, while Goldberg is handcuffed to the front grating and beaten with the pipe. “This is horrible!” notes Tony. You and me both, sister. And then Goldberg breaks the handcuffs to end the show as this entire thing went nearly 10 minutes and I think actually convinced a bunch of people to ask for a refund on the PPV before it even happened. And Fall Brawl ended up as a pretty decent show!

So we’ll see what happens in two days. If I can move to Germany and successfully retain my account, we’ll carry on. And if not and I can’t finish 2000 Nitro…well, I’m not losing a lot of sleep over that outcome either.