The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.21.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.21.00

Vince Russo is back in his office making decisions again, on the phone with someone who is presumably Scott Steiner, in the cold open.

Live from Wichita, KS, drawing 2294 paid.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

WCW Cruiserweight title: Elix Skipper v. Chavo Guerrero

Skipper’s CFL bonafides are already a joke after one week, with the announcers calling him a liar while Madden insists that he played for the “Roughriders”. Just to be totally accurate, it was the Saskatchewan Roughriders and the Ottawa Rough Riders, which are two totally different things. Chavo dropkicks Skipper into the corner and beats on him with forearms, and then hits him with a back suplex and goes up, which prompts a brawl between Lance Storm and General Rection on the floor. So Skipper grabs a chair to distract the ref, and then loads up the Grey Cup ring and knocks Chavo out to retain at 2:08. *

Meanwhile, we magically get both sides of a phone conversation between Russo and Scott Steiner.

Vince Russo joins us, complaining about being forced to be back on TV again, but Goldberg hits the ring and clears out the security geeks. But Russo threatens to fire him and then offers him a full release from WCW if he plays ball. Lot of those getting signed at this point. But Goldberg chooses to continue going after Russo instead, at which point Scott Steiner pops up on the screen and apparently has showed up at the hotel room of Goldberg’s girlfriend and is threatening to rape her. So Goldberg leaves to go deal with that. Next up, Booker T comes out and wants Vince to pass on a message to Kevin Nash for him, but Russo tells him to get lost, so Booker hits him with the axe kick. I’m kinda shocked Russo didn’t hulk up and make the comeback based on how he was booking himself at this point. This whole thing didn’t really make much sense.

Meanwhile, Goldberg runs out and rides off on his motorcycle, but he’s likely got a lot of time to save his woman because Scott Steiner tends to take a long time with his conquests.

Meanwhile, the newly formed team of the Natural Born Thrillers is offered a title match with Booker T, and Chuck Palumbo accepts.

Kwee Wee & Paisley v. Major Gunns & Corporal Cajun

So apparently “Papaya” has been fired and replaced with Paisley now. Cajun and Kwee Wee do some stuff to start and Gunns comes in with a terrible sunset flip on Kwee Wee. So Kwee Wee snaps and beats on Cajun until a catapult into Paisley turns the tide. So then Gunns comes in and Cajun whips her into Paisley for a hip attack that misses by a foot. Gunns gets a slam and goes up for a crossbody for the pin at 2:56. At least now we have women who not only look like Major Gunns, but can also work a match. DUD

Three Count is apparently doing a song with Tank Abbott, but the Network cuts out the song and we cut right to Tank freaking out about the poor quality of their singing. So ICP returns with Vampiro and clears the ring, apparently having joined the Dark Carolers, and Vamp announces that Juggalo Championship Wrestling is invading Nitro. Also Sting is just an actor played by a guy named “Steve Borden” and they’re coming after him. Again. Vampiro notes “Their ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about it!” Madden: “Why would anyone want to? JCW is cool!” Oh also Vampiro complains about getting held back by backstage politics, because we all care so much about that. So then Tank chases them off and challenges Vamp to a JCW World title match later tonight.

The Natural Born Thrillers join us and Mike Sanders does a boring promo where he lists off the vital stats of his friends and buries WCW and then complains about getting held down in the Power Plant. So then Konnan comes out and talks about how bad the promo was and calls them a bunch of rookies who have never drawn a dime, and we take a break.

The Filthy Animals v. Sean O’Haire, Mark Jindrak & Above Average Mike Sanders

Juvy gets double-teamed by the Thrillers, but he comes back with a bulldog and Rey comes in with a springboard legdrop for two. Konnan, on commentary, clarifies that the tag team titles are on the line here in this six-man match. Disco comes in with a neckbreaker on Jindrak and Madden notes that this is better than watching “a bunch of crippled old men on walkers doing legdrops” like we had earlier in the year. Only WCW would try to look rebellious by burying themselves. Oh also Tony clarifies the previous clarification by noting that the tag titles are NOT on the line here. Jindrak misses a charge and Disco hits a legsweep and brings Juvy back in with a springboard leg lariat before slugging away in the corner. Juvy with a top rope rana for two. Konnan: “Natural Born Thrillers? They had three weeks to come up with a name for six jabronis and this is the best they can do?” Also he calls the ginger ref “Conan O’Brien” to justify his payday this week. I think there’s a match going on, I dunno. Air Juvy on Sanders and Rey follows with the broncobuster, which Konnan calls “The stocking stuffer” and then Tigress does one on Jindrak, which Konnan calls “The face full of stuff” as this falls apart into the kind of wonderful silliness that AEW used to do. But then Sanders does something and pins Disco for the win at 8:11 and it’s TO THE PARKING LOT as Goldberg finds the hotel. This was fast paced and delightfully stupid and will probably stand as the highlight of the show. ***. Also Konnan clarifies once again that the tag titles were NOT on the line, just like he said the first time.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Chuck Palumbo

Unsurprisingly, Vince Russo inserts himself as special referee in case we haven’t seen enough of him for one week. Booker hits a powerslam, but Palumbo slugs back. Booker with a jackknife pin, but Russo refuses to count, allowing Chuck to attack from behind and put Booker down with a side kick for two. Chuck with a suplex for one. Booker with another rollup and Russo won’t count. Chuck with a powerslam for two and goes to a surfboard while Russo slaps Booker around. Booker comes back with a back suplex and spinarooni, but the NBT start running in and Booker fights them off. Reno ROLLS THE DICE and the beatdown commences, but Big Vito makes the save and cleans house. But this brings out Big Kev with a chair, and he turns on Booker and knocks him out, allowing Palumbo to pin Booker and win the title at 5:21. But then the Cat comes out and restarts the match, with himself as referee this time, and Booker gets a rollup for two right away. Axe kick and Bookend finishes at 0:52. The match was terrible but Russo had big heat as referee. If only it translated to ratings.

Meanwhile, Goldberg has finally arrived at the hotel room after like 15 minutes of TV time, but Steiner has left a note on the mirror and now Goldberg has to chase him back to the arena.

JCW World title: Vampiro v. Tank Abbott

ICP takes over on commentary in their announcer gimmicks, calling Tank “Pink Sandwich” and other such insulting names. Vamp kicks at the leg for a bit, but Tank just knocks Vamp out and then the ref as well, so ICP hits the ring and attacks, allowing Muta to blow green mist in Tank’s face. I generally enjoyed the Juggalo shows but this was pretty dumb.

Meanwhile, Russo and Vito trade NEW YAWK accents and Russo reveals that Vito tried to get a job “up north” and they didn’t want him, so now he has to face Kevin Nash.

WCW Hardcore title: Norman Smiley v. Kronik

The storyline of Norman wanting to lose the Hardcore title continues, as the Cat is forcing him to drop it in the ring rather than just forfeiting. But Clark works the match while Adams does commentary. Clark beats Norman down with a kendo stick and kicks a garbage can in his face. But Norman goes and slaps Brian Adams, which brings Adams into the match for a full nelson slam, and Clark follows with the Meltdown. But instead of pinning him, Adams goes under the ring like he’s in the War Games match, and pulls out a table. This allows the Harris Brothers to come out and put Clark through the table, putting Norman on top for the pin at 3:33 to retain. Apparently Kronik threw a fit about not wanting to lose here, but they’re Russo’s friends so nothing happened to them.

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner continues terrorizing Goldberg’s girlfriend.

Kevin Nash v. Big Vito

Nash turned heel earlier but no one seems to care and neither does he. Nash hits him with elbows in the corner and the Nash choke as everyone puts over Vito as this big threat and up and coming star. Really? Him? Vito gets a flying splash and drops legs on Nash, who is fine selling for him because all he has to do is lie on the mat and take it, and Vito does a big fired up comeback while ratings fall. And then Nash has had enough of that and hits Vito with the sideslam for two. Snake Eyes and the chokeslam gets two. And the big boot and Poochiebomb follow, although Booker runs in for the weak DQ finish at 4:10 before Kev can finish the job. Spoiler: This didn’t do shit for Big Vito.

US title: Lance Storm & Jeff Jarrett v. General Rection & Mike Awesome

Winner of the fall is the champion, so I guess it’s more accurately a four-way? Also we learn that Carl Oulette was unable to get his work visa, so he’s gone from WCW and last week’s cameo was a one-time thing. No wonder none of us remembered him being there. Rection beats on Storm in the corner and follows with a press slam, but Storm superkicks him for two. Dropkick gets two. Jarrett makes the save because he also wants the US title, even though he held it for months earlier in the year and never defended the damn thing. Storm gets the Maple Leaf on Rection but Awesome tags himself in to save and powerbombs Storm for two. Rection goes up with the moonsault, but the ref is distracted by Jarrett, and Elix Skipper comes in and takes out Rection. So Awesome tries the powerbomb, but Jarrett hits Awesome with the guitar and Storm gets the pin at 3:48. Are they seriously trying to build to a Lance Storm v. Jeff Jarrett feud? *1/2

Meanwhile, Steiner continues dragging the girlfriend around the backstage area and brings her out to the ring. He notes he’d “never be caught dead with a bitch this ugly” in general, but then we get Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash and Goldberg and Booker all running out for the brawl, which leads to Goldberg getting handcuffed while Scott puts his “girlfriend” in the Steiner Recliner to end the show. I have to say I don’t really understand why Kevin Nash turned heel and is suddenly friends with Scott Steiner again but a lot of stuff happened here so I’m sure Russo thought it was great for ratings.

Another garbage episode of this ongoing dumpster fire of a show, but I suppose it can always get worse.